Friday, January 28, 2011

Freak of the Week - Todd Palin

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've had a bad cold for a week now. I haven't been to work in 3 whole days! And when I'm stuck home, I really don't feel like writing anything, so I read instead.

Now I'm not for or against Sarah Palin, but I have been following this so called "sex scandal" with Todd (this is what happens when you're sick at home and there's nothing new on TV).

You can read the article HERE.

Turns out he's been seen frequenting a local massage parlor. Then the owner gets busted for prostitution. Put 2 and 2 together and you get a good old fashioned sex scandal!

At first they reported that there was "physical evidence" linking him to the owner, then they dropped it. Now they're saying she's being charged with protitution and there is no association with Todd. Let me give you my take on it.

We have our Regulars here at The Business, and it sounds like Todd was definitely a Regular. The parlor was located in an office building and apparently the tenants kept track of who was coming and going (or going and coming in his case). And as a local celebrity, he should have known better than to be seen coming in and out of a massage parlor.

OK, maybe the owner just gave really really good massages, and Todd was just an innocent therapeutic client. Heck, I have my own set of therapeutic Regulars. Never got a happy ending. Never seen me topless. Just purely therapeutic massage. Of course they're all little old ladies and not the "First Dude" of Alaska...

So for all you aspiring politicians out there reading this you're probably wondering what this "physical evidence" is - for purely academic reasons of course. Well I sincerely doubt the cops were pulling used condoms out of the trash and doing DNA analysis on them. But if she was a typical parlor owner, she was probably keeping a detailed logbook of customers and appointments. And if a mysterious "TP" was penciled in at the exact same time Todd was seen entering the building, then... busted!

Or even better, an autographed pic of the 2 of them hanging in the office! Don't laugh - it happens more often than you think. I've seen more than a few celebrities in here who have no problem flaunting it. I have autographs to prove it! Audrey even has a picture of herself with a pro athlete - taken at her old business.

And lastly, it could have just been the phone records. This would be obvious - especially if the cops had been monitoring the place as they say.

So how can you politicians and celebrities out there protect yourselves? Well here's my list of...

CJ's Tips to Keep You out of the Enquirer:
1) DON'T BE SEEN ENTERING THE BUILDING. Duh. Use the back entrance, wear dark glasses, park across the street, etc.

2) Don't use your personal phone to call. Use one of those pre-pay phones.

3) Use an alias for making the appointment (don't worry about sounding silly with "John" - we expect it).

4) Don't leave behind an autographed head shot - no matter how much she's willing to knock off the price. I had 1 guy try to pull this on me. In the end, I got the autograph AND my tip.

5) And lastly - USE CASH. Famous people are weird - they either carry tons of cash, or none at all. Pro athletes - WADS of cash as if they've never heard of a bank. Politicians - no cash. Your Honor, do you really want this on the Amex?
If Todd had been a regular reader here, he might not have gotten in trouble. Now if any of my poor under appreciated Eagles are listening, please feel free to come in and let me take care of you (we were robbed!) and I promise to be very discreet.

And if Ben Worthlessburger were to show his sorry ass in here, I guarantee I would have pictures of him being spanked in womens underwear posted on the internet before he made it back to the parking lot.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Confessions of a Masseuse

Hey guys. Sorry I've been gone so long, but with the slow days at work I've just been doing other things. So imagine my surprise when I finally checked back in and found such interesting comments on the whole Brett Favre thing.

Well let me start off by apologizing to any Cheese Heads I may have offended. I was in no such way implying that your crack-ho's are any worse than our crack-ho's. Let's just put it to rest and say that we all agree that it's time Brett finally retired. There.

My real intent in that post was to defend the poor massage therapists who were fired from the team. I've been following the story, and I don't think they were looking to cash in on any "story." They complained to management when Brett started harassing them. Management said they were aware of what was going on and would take care of it. And in the end they were still fired. That's when their story went public. And for the record I will ALWAYS take the side of the massage therapists!

And that brings me to another thing. One of the comments I got last week really bugged me. A fellow therapist said something along the lines of how she's always tried to distance herself from the term "masseuse."

So go ahead and google the word "masseuse" - I'll wait. Hmmmmmmmm... Hmmmmmmmmm.... Hum Hum Hum...

Done? What did you see? The first definition that pops up is "A woman who practices massage." And that's it. So we're really all sisters! All the way from that woman at the airport who does the chair massages, to sports massage therapists, to me - CJ. We're all technically masseuses whether you like it or not.

It's ironic, when I first started this blog it took a long time for me to accept the fact that I was considered a "sex worker" by my colleagues on the Dark Side. I mean heck - the "sex" part was only the 5 minutes at the end. The previous 40 minutes was all massage therapy, so I always considered myself more masseuse than sex worker.

Then there's my official job title - Erotic Masseuse. That pretty much covers both bases. My top coming off is the erotic part, and the massage is the masseuse part. Erotic - Masseuse.

So now I'm bothered by the fact that my sister masseuses (on the Light Side) would try to distance themselves from me! A sports massage therapist is a world away from erotic masseuse, I agree. Now your job is TOUGH. I don't have the stamina (or the patience) to do what you do. But by definition, you're still a "masseuse." Don't distance yourself from it - embrace it! But if it makes you sleep better at night, then just preface it with the word "sports."

I'm sorry if a lot of people still tend to think of the erotic side of massage when they hear the word "masseuse." But part of the purpose of this blog is to inform people EXACTLY what an erotic masseuse does, and that it's NOT the same as a therapeutic masseuse. I don't know how many times I've had to explain to some guys that most masseuses do not give happy endings!

Now there's one more thing I want you guys to think about. What else did you learn after you googled the word "masseuse?" Did you notice the 5th entry? Why that's... that's... ME! I'm one of the top 10 results to pop up!

And do you realize what that means? Basically, it means that your humble CJ is slowly re-defining the term "masseuse." Think about that... my humble little piece of the internet is now an authority on what it means to be a masseuse! Scary, huh?

So you better be nice to me.


Monday, January 10, 2011

Brett Favre Is A Dirty Pig

And I'm not just saying that because my beloved Eagles crumbled to one of his former teams. Or even that the Jets are still alive. I'm saying that because I've been following this story about him propositioning the Jet's team masseuses.

Forget the fact that this perv sexted another Jets worker and sent her pics of his tiny little sad junk. No, this asshole was actually trying to drag 2 of the team masseuses into some kind of sex romp. Would this be the first time the girls were propositioned by a multi-millionaire athlete? Yeah right - even I won't defend that one. But in an environment like that, you have to be more discrete.

I can only assume that the masseuses in question are attractive women. And why keep attractive women on staff? Because they can - that's why. But we also have to assume that they can give a wicked sports massage, else they would never have been hired. And you can bet money they also have several masseurs on staff for the same reason.

Does this mean that there's never any funny business in that kind of environment? Well, when I heard that the girls did some work at the players homes, I got suspicious. Honestly - do you really think the massages get better when done on a portable massage table in your living room? Yeah right. I'm sure the girls were making a couple extra bucks on the side by "taking care of" the players at home. And it was probably all very hush-hush. It's understood that it's there if you want, but they just don't talk about it.

But then this pig Brett breaks proper massage ettiquete and just calls them up and begs for a threesome?!?! They're not the fat crack-ho's he's probably used to back up in Wisconsin. They're women who worked hard to establish themselves as sports massage therapists for a professional sports team - a dream job. And if they give the occasional happyending outside of work, hey - more power to ya. But you had to be the pig that you are and try to wreck this good thing they had going, didn't you?

To make matters worse, the girls were basically fired when it all came to light. I'm guessing it's because everyone knew about the happy endings, so they had to distance themselves. But come on - that didn't mean that they weren't doing their jobs professionally at work! Sports massage is HARD work (no pun intended). It's probably the most intense and physically demanding form of massage in my opinion. So why would you want to lose that resource for the team?

Then this asshole had to go and spoil it for everyone. Thanks Brett - you're a real piece of shit. Now will you fucking just retire all ready?


Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Happy 2011 !!!!!

Now where are the flying cars and personal robots they promised us?

Anyway, I FINALLY got around to responding to comments from the last 3 weeks. Funny how the slower work is, the lazier I get. I think I'm just happy to take a break after a hectic holiday season. Not much to report here other than Audrey is gone!!! Yeah!!!! We're all so happy about that - especially Maude who's now talking about decorating for Valentines Day. Oh brother.

This picture right here - This is what I'm gonna name my own business when I take the plunge later this year. Whadya think - too obvious? I figure the best way to hide a tree is to put it in a forest.

Now that it's 2011, I can look back on 2010 and be thankful that it's over. For me, this years highlights include:

Audrey leaving The Business
Me running The Business
I got a boyfriend!
NOT getting raided (told you it would end after election day)

"Chicken Fucker" - my favorite Freak of the Week
Bartering for half my Christmas List
I went on vacation! (finally)
Business returning to pre-recession days

I don't know about you guys, but I do New Years resolutions. It's fun to see what you want to do, and then compare notes on how miserably you failed later on. Some of mine include:

1) Keeping a boyfriend for more than a year
2) Seriously thinking about starting my own business
3) Saving money (to do #2)
4) Telling the boyfriend EVERYTHING (in direct conflict with #1)
5) Going legit (in direct conflict with #2 AND #3)

I know that half of them don't make any sense, but I figure with half of them cancelling the other half out, I may actually get something done this year.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and wishing you a fantastic 2011.