Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Snow Day

Well I hope all you guys out there had a very merry Christmas. The Business was closed for 3 days, and then we got a bonus snow day. We thought Monday was going to be a blizzard, so we stayed closed. Then it turned out to be a giant bust, so I spent the day shopping for post Christmas bargains. Yeah me!

Yesterday was the first return to normal. Audrey did not come in, which only confirms our suspicions that the only reason she did show up last week was to pocket some spending cash (at our expense). I talked to Cindy and Trina and we figure that she probably took almost a third of our total customers for the week.

One of you guys asked what tricks she was pulling to get away with it. Well, she pretty much tried all of them in the book. Her favorite was just taking the next guy through the door, regardless of which girl was up in the rotation. Trina said on Wednesday day shift she took 3 guys in a row by just taking over the front desk and telling Trina she would call her when the next guy came in. She said after the 3rd customer she was ready to just put on her jacket and leave she was so pissed.

Another trick of Audrey's is to just tell customers that she's the only girl there. That one works best on the phone. Then she just makes sure that when he shows up, he doesn't see any of us. I used to fall for the old "Could you go out and get me a pack of smokes?" routine. Then I'd get back just in time to see one of my Regulars coming out of HER session room. Then to add insult to injury, he would sometimes think I blew him off!!

The best thing to do to keep anyone from stealing customers is to just sit and stay at the front desk. I did that last week and even so, Audrey would pull rank with "I got this one..." I was seeing red at the end of each shift. I swear, we were all ready to walk.

And poor Maude... The front desk is usually her domain during the working day. But ever since that blow out over the Christmas decorations, she would just hide in the back office. Talk about uncomfortable. You could just feel the tension whether you were in the front or back of the building. Ugh.

But apart from the fact that work totally sucked all last week, my holiday was good. A long weekend of family and friends. And let me tell ya - all my nieces and nephews were LOVING their Aunty CJ. Thank Gawd I took care of most of the shopping BEFORE Audrey got there and cut our tips in half.

This week before New Years is usually dead. We've gone back to a 1 girl per shift schedule, and will probably stay this way till the end of January. So now we spend our time eating Christmas cookies and fruitcake all day. The one and only good thing about having Audrey around is that she would bring in treats she made herself. If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that even though we all hate Audrey's guts, that bitch can cook.


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you guys all have a great holiday!

From The Business -


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Grinch That Stole Christmas

This has turned out to be a really awful week. What started off as the most fun holiday season in a long time has now taken an ugly twist - not just for me but everyone here at The Business.

This past Saturday, I was covering the day shift with Maude. The morning was going just fine when guess who walks in the door...

Audrey. Back from the dead after 9 months. I speak to her on the phone about once a week, but this was a total surprise. I could tell by Maude's reaction that she was expecting this little visit but didn't bother to warn me.

At first it was all a kissy-kissy lovefest. But when things settled down and Audrey got down to business, she went into total bitch mode. First she explained that she was here to "help" us out during the busy Christmas weeks. "Help?" I asked. Last time I spoke to her, I said the workload was just fine and that the 3 of us were handling it just fine. But I guess she saw the numbers from Maude and that greedy little bitch thought she could drum up a little bit of extra spending cash at our expense.

Now I know that Audrey still owns The Business and I have absolutely no right to complain about her wanting to work. But come on - to just show up unannounced when we have a full schedule and basically take away HALF our customers each shift? That's bullshit. And when I say that I'm being generous. That motherfucking cunt has pulled out ever trick in the book to take all the good customers this week and stiff us with all the therapeutics and cheapskates. It's almost like she came out of retirement with a vengence just to remind us who's really the boss around here.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. From the moment she set foot inside the door, she wanted all the decorations to be torn down. She started by telling Maude to "get rid of all this crap" on the front desk. I winced when I heard that because I know how much the decorations mean to her. Heck - it was all I could do get her to take down the lights and move the tree.

Audrey tore into her sister. And let me tell you, the got into it right then and there. I've never seen Audrey yell that much before (not including some of our fights of course). But when sisters fight it can get ugly and personal.

When it was all over, I had never seen Maude that upset before. And that's when it occurred to me - Maude takes this job seriously. Sure - to some people she's just the lady that schedules handjobs and cleans the toilets. But to Maude - she's The Office Manager. And this job didn't just give her a steady paycheck, it gave her a purpose.

I know that sounds funny, because most people would say Mother Theresa had a "purpose." But I guess when you've spent most of your adult life sitting in a trailer staring at a TV, then it's a lot easier to find a purpose. And The Business became Maude's.

I'm not gonna fault her for it. In fact, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet if I did (instead of the top 100), since I've made a career out of this place (and a decent one at that). I guess I just never figured the front desk to be important since that's not where the money is.

So I've been trying to cheer Maude up this past week, which is not easy considering it feels like death around here - what with most of the decorations being taken down and Audrey here almost every shift. We're all stressed out with all the tension in the air - and Christmas almost here. Luckily, we're closed for the 3 day weekend. I don't expect Audrey to come back since it's usually dead until the end of January. So we'll just have to suck it up till then.

But if it makes Maude feel better, maybe I'll encourage her to decorate for Martin Luther King Day.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Christmas Spirit

I mentioned last time that things around here were pretty glum before Maude showed up. Typically Christmas here at The Business was just that - all business. We're usually pretty busy because of Thanksgiving, hunting season, and Christmas. And Audrey was never really one to decorate for holidays since she considered it in poor taste. I mean, come on - just because a guy is sitting in the lobby waiting to get his dick rubbed, doesn't mean a ceramic Easter Bunny on the counter is going to kill him.

Another reason why things get down is because the customers are all pretty moody. Most of them are grumpy because they've been on a 3 week spending spree and they're broke by the time they get to us. Around Thanksgiving and hunting season, everyone is still in a good mood because they've still got money. But by mid December, customers start turning into the Grinch. And now every session all I hear about is how expensive everything including THIS massage. Hey - I gotta buy presents too buddy.

So this year the mood is different because the place is decked out and we actually get to feel like we're doing something festive. And you wanna know what the biggest hit has been? Our holiday getups! Turns out the guys appreciate our little festive atmosphere. I don't know how many times I've been asked to keep the Santa hat on (and nothing else) during session.

But what's really been interesting has been the holiday lights. Trina got all of us these battery powered necklaces made up of Xmas lights. So this new trick we do in the room is to turn the lights down and wear just the necklaces.

For a topless, I'll drape the lights around my neck and across The Girls. For the most part, the guys love it because in the dark the only thing they can pretty much see are these multi-colored breasts moving around the room. Another thing I've tried is tying the lights around my waist during a nude massage so my butt is lit from above and my breasts from below. One customer called it "sexy as shit" because the way the lights and shadows move made it very teasing.

On another good note, 2 customers have commissioned me as their personal holiday shopper. I spend my down time at work on the laptop digging up gift ideas and placing orders. So ladies - you may have to thank me for that "perfect" holiday gift from your spouse this year.

I'm actually gonna miss it when we have to take everything down next month. Between that and business going dead (it usually does in January) it's gonna get depressing around here really quick.


Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like... Maude

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a fucking Christmas tree in our lobby."

That's the voicemail I got from Cindy the other day. When I first heard it, I didn't know what I found more shocking - the fact that there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Business, or that Cindy managed to use the F-word and "Christmas tree" in the same sentence.

First off, our lobby isn't that big, so I really couldn't picture where a tree would fit. And second, why on Earth would we need a tree there? It's awkward enough for our customers to have to wait between sessions, but to make them sit and stare at a Christmas tree too? Our customers are usually here at this time of year to escape the holiday season, not wallow in it.

When I came in to work yesterday, I discovered that Maude, our resident Martha Stewart, kinda went overboard with the decorations. I explained to her that the little plastic snowmen on the desk were one thing, but this giant tree dominating the front entrance is something else. She was hurt at first, but after some negotiating she agreed to move it to our break room. We had to remove the table to squeeze it in there, but it fit, and Maude even had fun redecorating it.

Personally, I love Christmas and don't mind the over-indulgence here at work. It's in stark comparison to Audrey's bare-bones, sterile, bah humbug attitude of last year (and the year before and the year before...). I mean she never really did anything festive around here. And when you're stuck here 40 hours a week, you welcome anything that cheers things up.

So having her sister here managing the place is sort of a breath of fresh air. She keeps the place super clean and she takes care of all the mundane chores. And now as we've discovered, she takes her holidays very very seriously. Thanksgiving for example - she decked out the lobby in fall decorations and even taped a giant cardboard turkey on the refrigerator. It looked like a kindergarten class around here. But when the woman vacuums the floors and cleans out the fridge - you really can't complain.

Then Christmas rolled around. Maude brought in 4 plastic crates filled with Christmas decorations. When I asked her how she could afford all this she said not to worry - these are all her "extra" decorations from home. Let me tell ya - that must be some decked out trailer. I bet you could see it from space.

Not only did she stick an 8 foot tall tree in the lobby, she also put up garland around the desk and lights in the window. I'm not exactly a grinch, but I did make her take down the lights. I had to remind her we're a massage a parlor, not a Hallmark store. But overall, she's definitely lifted the holiday mood around here - which is usually depressing. I bought a necklace made of Christmas lights that runs by battery. And we've all been taking turns wearing a Santa hat when we're on the front desk.

Heck - we're even thinking of doing a secret santa this year! Of course it can't be that secret when you only have 4 people in The Business.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Hustler

I had an interesting mix of customers over the past week. Some newbies, some Regulars I haven't seen in a while, and even some local grannies in for their yearly therapeutic. We get this weird bump in Little-Old-Lady traffic about this time of year as they dust off the gift certificates their sons bought them LAST Christmas and forgot to use.

It's the perfect gift when you think about it. A guy can come in, pick up a gift for his mom, get his own holly jollies, and cross 2 things off his Xmas list. Then when his wife asks him later if he took care of his mother, he can look her square in the eye and say quite honestly "Oh yeah, I took care of her."

But that's not the most interesting thing to happen around here this week. The other day I had a customer come in carrying a large shopping bag full of boxes. I asked him what the deal was, and he said he was there to barter. He opens up the bag and pulls out boxes of cool stuff including:

Cell phone accessories

Apparently this guy runs kiosks at several malls and he was doing a supply run. He explained that they specialize in high profit/high turnover stuff just for the holidays. And let me tell ya - even I was thinking "I could use 2 of those, and 3 of those..." Sure, the stuff is mostly crap made in China, but there isn't anyone on my list who couldn't use a snuggy or a remote control car.

So I asked him what he had in mind, and he asked "so whadya do around here?" And I have to admit that I was sooooo blinded by all the shiny goodies that I broke erotic massage protocol and discussed options and extras at the front desk! Let me tell ya, if this guy had been an undercover cop - just lock me up because I pretty much gave up the entire store.

"I'll take my top off for one of those monster trucks and 3 snuggies."

"Are you kidding me? I can't keep these trucks in stock. They're like gold. How about you also waive the door fee and I'll make it 4 snuggies instead?"

"I can't waive the fee - my boss would fire me! But let's say I did.... that's gotta be worth what, 2 robot dinosaurs?"

"2 dinosaurs? You're killing me! OK, for that I want the door fee waived, full body massage, you totally naked, and a blowjob."

"Nice try baby, but I don't think you have enough snuggies and dinosaurs in that truck to get a blowjob. However, I might give you a breast release if you throw in the monster truck, the dinosaurs AND one of those helicopters..."

He gave me a confused look and that's when I knew I had him. I explained to him in VIVID detail what a breast release consisted of. And to seal the deal, I made sure to stand up and slowly unzip my hoodie. The visuals worked, and he finally just said in a defeated tone "follow me." We went to his truck and inside was a motherlode of gifts for Christmas. We settled on our final exchange of goods for services. Basically, it turned out to be enough stuff to cross off a significant portion of this years gift list. Heck - he even helped me carry it to my truck!

I can't wait to see my nephew's expression when he opens up that giant remote controlled helicopter on Christmas. I only hope my sister doesn't ask "So how much did THAT cost?"

2 ounces of baby oil and 5 minutes of my time?