Tuesday, November 24, 2009


One of you guys just asked me if I hug my Regulars after session. I thought that was an interesting comment and I just wanted to talk more about it out here. Some of my best friends are customers. Most of you probably don't believe that, since coming from me it probably sounds as convincing as a stripper saying "you should come here tomorrow and just hang out!"

But think about it. There are half a dozen Businesses here in town, and several girls working in each one. That means there are quite a few girls to choose from. So for a guy to settle on me and decide to visit here on a regular basis, there has to be chemistry of some kind. It might be my sense of humor, or my professional massage techniques, or maybe just the particular way The Girls bounce when I'm performing my infamous "double-handed criss-cross" technique. In any case, we get along in some way so it's always comfortable during session.

It's not uncommon for a guy to stop in and just say "hi." Heck - we appreciate someone breaking up the boredom between customers. Occasionally someone might even stop by to take us out to lunch (or in some cases I take them out if I just came out of a lucrative session).

What I'm trying to say here is that I treat my Regulars like anyone else I know. If we get along, then I look forward to seeing you. A lot of guys ask me to "hang out" outside of work. And if we're actually friends at work, then I'll gladly say yes. Mind you - I have gotten pretty good at spotting psychos and stalkers, so I'll quickly avoid anyone who gives me a weird vibe. But I enjoy spending time with people I like whether I've jerked them off or not.

Most of my customer/friends are single (of course). For some reason, the married guys just don't want to be caught at The Olive Garden having a salad with me. What's really fun is when I run into a married customer at the mall who's with the wife. They get that deer-in-the-headlights look. I know the routine, so it's easy for me to just ignore them. But Regulars will often come up and give me a big "hi" and occasional hug in public (especially if they're with a buddy they want to show off in front of).

Now what's creepy is when I run into a customer I don't like out in public, especially in a bar. Then there's that awkward stare, or the unwanted drinks. And if I'm there with friends, it's hard to convince everyone to go somewhere else.

But for the most part I like my Regulars and consider a lot of them as friends.

Friends who see each other naked or occasionally in lingerie that is.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Mother Of All Massage Weekends - Thanksgiving

Well it's that time of year again. Time to enjoy that last little bit of spending cash you still have. It's your last chance to do something for yourself for the next 6 weeks. And it's that desperately needed bit of stress relief that you're gonna need to survive the Holiday Season.

Yes, I'm talking about your annual Thanksgiving Erotic Massage.

This is THE biggest massage weekend of the year. I hope all of you guys out there have been taking notes and are ready to go see your local masseuse sometime this week. And you know you can - When else will you have a wallet full of money and an excuse to drive cross country by yourself? Come on... You know you wanna!

We're all ready here at The Business. The schedule for this weekend is up and we're all planning on doing double shifts at least once this week. I'm giving up part of my traditional Black Friday spending frenzy, but it's worth it. It's all about being there to support my loyal customers - right?

Anyway, I see that my lazy-shit Techno Nerd hasn't put up those links on this website like she said he was going to. So let me try to do it here.

For all you newbies out there, here is a cheat sheet on what you need to know to get your first erotic massage. Just click on the link.

1) How to find a massage parlor.

2) What to expect during a typical erotic massage.

3) Massage parlor codes and lingo.

4) How to ask for a Happy Ending.

5) Why you should avoid Asian massage parlors.

6) Massage Parlor Etiquette.

I think next week I'll do a poll to see how many of you guys actually went this weekend. I know here at the Business we see a bunch of newbies at this time of year. And with the economy getting better I hope this is way better than last year.

Since I was so lame last week, I'll try to make it up to you guys by doing more updates and answering more questions this week.

Good luck!!!


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Questions and Answers #3

I've been scarce lately and I just need to catch up on things now. A friend of mine recently had her grandmother pass away, so I was kinda pre-occupied with the funeral and wake for the last several days. Plus I just didn't feel like playing on the computer.

Since I'm still feeling lazy and don't really have any fun stories to tell, I thought I'd do a new Q&A instead. So here goes Q&A #3 (I think).

How much could you make if you went full service?

If I went to the Other Business, I could probably expect up to $200 for mutuals, but down to $60 for strictly therapeutics. Now if I were to go FS, prices START at $200, and go up depending on the level of kink you want to pay for.

I am in Portland Oregon, and am having a hard time finding an establishment like yours. I have a feeling they are here, but I don't know where to start.

I've written about this in detail before. But the quick answer for those of you are are incredibly lazy is:

1) Check your local weekly entertainment newsrag. In the back are the adult ads, and parlors are easy to be found there.
2) Try the internet. Craigslist is good for solo masseuses. The adult forums are good for businesses.
3) Look in the phone book under "massage." Ignore all the ads that say LMT, Therapeutic, or Hair and Nails. What's left may or may not be a parlor.

can you move so you live halfway between the two, so it's say 45 minute drive to either?

No can do. I love where I live now and moving that much closer to the city would put me in some pretty shitty towns. No thanks!

CJ, I realize that the "happy ending" is intended to result in a manual release. However, do the exotic masseuses prefer to just blow the guy? The reason for this question is that some women just love to blow men and receive tremendous satisfaction from it. Also, do they fear repetitive stress injuries in their wrists and forearms? That could result in an end to their tradework.

Now THAT is what I call an intelligent and thoughtful question. Thank you for paying attention in class!

Anyway, let me start off by saying that NO masseuse ever wants to "just blow the guy." Sure, some women enjoy going down on their boyfriends, but when you do it as part of your job, there's nothing sexy about some anonymous dude shoving a couple bucks at you in exchange for putting the dirtiest part of his body in your mouth. This is why FS girls charge way more for a blowjob than a handjob.

As for repetitive stress injuries - yes, we are prone to those. My particular technique uses mostly my left hand, so the muscles have been built up over the years. However, I am right handed, so when I tire out on the left, I just switch over. That little trick effectively doubles the amount of HJ time I am capable of.

Typically a happy ending is finished within 2 minutes, but for the problematic customers, you start to strain your wrists at 3-4 minutes. This is why I have a set-in-stone rule of only 5 minutes for the happy ending.

are you afraid of giving in and blowing a guy?

I've had to deal with this before. Short answer is "no". Long answer is "yes, but..." I've had guys offer me wads of cash just to go down on them during session. But I've always had the moral fiber to decline (see - there are times when a "sex worker" actually uses her 2 remaining strands of moral fiber for something).

The problem is when you get into the situation where the car payment is due, the landlord has called the sheriff, and the electricity has been turned off - that a stranger's dick in the mouth doesn't seem so repugnant after all. Hopefully (knock on wood) I will never be in that situation. And staying away from a FS parlor keeps me as far from that sitation as possible (let me rephrase that - becoming a nun would keep me as far from that situation as possible. Working in a HJ only parlor kinda keeps me down-the-block-and-around-the-corner to that situation at best).

there's this legit place that i go to, and the masseuse seems to like me since she would give me a hj for free. my question is, how do i ask her to give me my "massage" privately at my place. i bet lotsa guys have asked you for the same.

What you are asking for is called "outcall" and yes, I get requests for it often. Believe me, we don't get offended if you ask since we're used to it. Just flat out ask her "do you do outcall."

However, this only works if she's already giving you happy endings. For the rest of you guys out there - DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. A therapeutic masseuse would throw your ass out.

One last thing - I hope you are tipping her extra for that happy ending!

Would you consider doing more if you change?

No. In fact, there's even a chance I would do better in a FS place since I would automatically get all the customers who don't want to pay for FS.

Newsflash – Sheila’s place is a dirty whore house and if you went to work there you would be offering full service within a couple of weeks because of the lure of $. Pls. don’t bullshit us that Sheila’s brothel has an opening for a professional LMT! She wants you because you would appeal to her horny customers as you’re kind of cute and have big fake tits. But, your appeal is declining as you have a lot of miles on the odometer. Guys like girls who are young, innocent-looking, fit and you are unfortunately about to "Jump the Shark”.

I know this isn't a question, but I have to respond anyway. It's obvious you don't know the world of massage parlors because you've gotten quite a bit of it wrong.

Let me start where you do have it right. Yes - Sheila's place is a dirty whorehouse. However, I've been solicited to go FS almost every day of my working life. Just changing the address will not change my ability to say "no thanks." Telling guys "no" is just second nature at this point.

Now all the parts where you are mistaken...

Sheila does need a LMT. Next year, the state of PA will probably pass a law that requires ANY business advertising massage services to employ LMTs. They've been kicking it around for a couple of years now, and it looks like it's really gonna happen soon. When it does, most parlors will be scrambling to get an LMT on staff. In particular it will be a blow to the Asian places, because it pretty much allows the cops to just show up unannounced and ask to see LMT licenses.

As for what guys want in massage parlors - you are sorely mistaken that they all want little 20-somethings. In fact, most new customers usually want someone who looks like their wife/girlfriend. Weird but true fact.

Secondly, since customers get to touch us (within reason), masseuses don't have to look like strippers. Young girls don't tend to last long in this business because the customers tend to think that she may be fun to look at, but she'll give a lousy massage. And most of the time they'd be right. The only reason why I managed to stay in for so long is because I have always given a good quality massage - not because I was younger than the other girls.

And lastly, I do not have "big fake tits." That's 100% CJ baby!

Hope this little chat keeps you guys happy for the weekend!


Friday, November 13, 2009

Decisions, decisions...

I've been in a weird mood lately (in case you haven't noticed). Things at work are stressful as usual. And to make matters worse, Audrey has gotten bitchier and bitchier.

It got so bad that we actually had it out a couple weeks ago. On this particular day, she managed to steal 2 customers from me just by walking up to the front desk and saying "I got this one" as I'm booking them in. The first time she did it, I chalked it up to her just being an asshole as usual and taking the first customer of the day. But the SECOND time she did it, my jaw dropped open in disbelief. She couldn't have offended me more if she had just slapped me in the face.

I was seeing red for half an hour while she was in session. When she came out I waited for her in the office and practically took her head off, I was so mad. We literally screamed at each other for about 10 minutes. Afterwards, she took off for lunch by herself - her way of saying "you can go next." What a sweet lady, huh?

Anyway, I was bitching about this (as usual) to a friend of mine who owns a Business, and "Sheila" said I should come work for her. This is nothing unusual. She offers me work all the time, and over the last couple of years I've actually worked a couple shifts with her - just as a favor.

But this time it was different. Sheila said she could really use an LMT on staff, and their business has been booming over the last 3 months. The problem though, is that her place is full service. She insists that's not a problem since about half their clients are handjob only. Also, her place is about 90 minutes from home, and my current commute is less than 30.

I told her I'd have to think about it, but I would definitely give it a real consideration this time. What I didn't say to her is that personally I think her Business is filthy, and the girls are all trashy. I know that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black - BUT, The Business is spotless and the girls don't look like they walked in off the streets (except for Cindy - LOL).

To be honest, Sheila's place looks and smells and feels like a brothel. Look - I love her to death, don't get me wrong. I would even help her out in a pinch if she needed some extra help covering shifts. But I don't know how I'd feel driving to that dump every day.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I'm only good in a car for an hour TOPS. My definition of "outer space" is anything more than 60 minutes from my house.

We talked numbers for a few minutes, and it may or may not be better than what I'm doing here. I don't know. Not being FS in a FS place has it's good and bad points - the worst one being the pressure to go FS for better money. However, the good thing is that you get an instant clientele - guys who don't want FS. So it's a toss up (no pun intended).

So that's the dilemma I'm facing now. Of course it doesn't help any that business has been building up towards the Mother Of All Massage Weekends - Thanksgiving. That week alone is worth sticking around this hell hole.

I think next week I'll go over all the things you guys need to know to get around a massage parlor. I need all of you out there to help our economy and go support your local masseuses over Thanksgiving weekend.

Who knows - the job you end up saving may be mine!


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

I had a client last week who made a comment about how I should write a book about all the wacky stuff that happens around here. This guy, Ken, thinks he's a super freak because he asked me to spank him.

Not while he had a dildo shoved up his ass.
Not while choking on a used G-string.
Not while calling me "mommy."
And I wasn't even wearing a rubber nazi officer uniform.

He just wanted to be spanked before the happy ending. That was it. Just a spanking.
And yet the way he was carrying on, he thought he was a bona fide porn star. "Oh yeah... I like it kinky. I bet you don't get requests like THIS every day."

Dude - you don't even know the half of it.

I didn't say anything because I really didn't want to burst his bubble. If it will make him happy, I'll let him think he rocked my world. "No Ken... You are a WILD MAN!"

I guess this is the sort of thing that happens when you have a midlife crisis. I can only assume that the missionary position is all he gets at home. If that's the case, then a little spanking is pretty crazy for him. Oh well.

I'm not knocking Ken. I'm just saying that I've seen some pretty strange things in my time. Some things around here are just so odd that I doubt that many of you guys out there would even believe them.

Now I have what I call my "A material." Most of that stuff I've shared with you guys here. Stories of sugar daddies, guys in womens underwear, unusual happy endings - stuff like that. Things have been so boring around here lately, that I usually try to share a funny tidbit as soon as I've wiped the cum up and shown the guy to the door.

Then there's the really weird stuff. Stories that are so strange that I've only shared them with other masseuses. And when I do, I get only 2 responses. Either "yeah right." or "Holy Shit - I heard about that guy." So I find it funny when someone says I made something up. All I can say to them is if you can't believe any of this shit, then you ain't seen nothing yet.

I'm sure one of these days I'll get daring enough to try to do these stories justice, but until then you'll have to put up with the boring day-to-day crap going on around here.

Take yesterday for example. No one came in. Well, one guy did and he wanted to see Trina. Since I was working with Audrey, he was outta luck. So he went out and came back with a box of donuts and one of those cardboard containers filled with coffee! We may not have had a single customer that shift, but we went home happy - buzzing on caffeine and sugar.

Now THAT is a true tale from the massage parlor.


Thursday, November 5, 2009

The Search For CJ

I get about half a dozen e-mails each week from guys claiming they've "found" me - or at least asking if I was the masseuse they had 3 years ago ("Remember me - I was the tall thin guy wearing a Yankee's ball cap?"). As you all know by now, I need my privacy in order to write anything interesting so I can't afford to see anyone who reads this. It's a catch 22.

Which is a shame because I would absolutely LOVE the business right now. Plus we'd have plenty to talk about!

Anyway, before I started sharing lurid stories online, I would periodically surf the internet for any references to myself and the Business. It's always interesting to see things from the customers perspective. So for all you "hobbyists" out there - don't think that we don't know what you guys are saying about us.

Mostly I'm talking about those adult review websites. Both Audrey and I are members of several of them, just so we can catch up on all the latest gossip about us and our competitors. Yes - we use the internet to spy on other Businesses and each other (I don't know how many times I've read a bad review about a "skank" named Audrey). We need to work for customers just like any other business, so we keep an eye on our competition.

But what's really fun is when you find something on a local business forum posted by a very unhappy housewife who just discovered her husbands credit card statements. Guess which of the following reviews was written by a woman?

A) "I got a blowjob from the blonde slut and ended up with a rash"
B) "They're all a bunch of dick sucking whores."
C) "Those skanks stole my wallet!"

The correct answer is "D" - all of the above. It's kinda obvious when it's not a customer because the stuff they say is just way off in left field. Well, if they're talking about Audrey, then the rash thing might be true.

Anyway, guys tend to share different info. Like some of these gems:

"Gave a less than enthusiastic hand release"
"Awesome tits"
"No FS. HJ only. Clothing options"
"Will let you finger her"

Needless to say, I've never had a customer who said he came in because we had good "reviews." Guys don't tend to share their secrets with us, which is a shame because I could probably give more accurate reviews of the local girls than most of that crap they post on the websites. Honestly - if a customer wanted to know where to get a decent BJ, I could recommend girls I know at other Businesses.

Now recently I've been following the internet chat on "CJ." Personally I think it's funny and flattering to see how much some of you guys have to say about me. To be safe, I will neither confirm nor deny how accurate any of your info is, but let me just say that I'm not too worried about being discovered any time soon.

And remember - this isn't a contest. So whoever does their homework and actually finds me - I've decided that you're not getting a freebie! LOL. Actually, I don't know what I'd do if a customer ever said "you're CJ, aren't you!" I think I'd totally freak out.

To be honest, the idea really does make me nervous. I mean, if that were to ever happen, then our real address and names could be posted all over the internet, and that scares the shit out of me. Most of you guys who have written to me seem normal and nice, but I have had more than my share of assholes and stalkers.

So those of you who still insist on finding me, good luck and just be cool about it. I wonder how many masseuses out here have been asked if they know a "CJ?"


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The "Reverse" Parlor - A Massage Parlor for Women

When I did the QA a couple weeks ago, some of you asked if there was a female version of the massage parlor. Well, the female version of a happy ending does exist, but it's probably not exactly the party you think it is.

I have a guy friend from massage school who I'm still in contact with. You all got me thinking about the whole reverse parlor thing, so I gave "Rob" a call. I know he spent a couple years in a day spa located in a ritzy ski resort up in Canada and some of the stories he tells are hilarious. He always claimed that he rarely "dipped into the cookie jar" as he put it, but knew the guys who did it for a living. Yeah right.

I'll try to describe what they did using terms that I use for The Business. Basically, there were no clothing options since it was all under the table. What they did have the option of was a "clit massage" by either hand or tongue. Meanwhile, women who wanted to fuck would see the guys in their hotel rooms after work.

Now keep in mind that these services were not offered to anyone, and were only advertised by word of mouth (no pun intended). The way Rob describes it, the clients were basically very wealthy and very bored housewives who could do whatever they wanted while the husbands were out skiing. And unfortunately, he said that these women weren't exactly the Housewives of Atlanta, if you know what I mean.

I guess it wasn't uncommon for Rob to see one of his fellow masseurs out for drinks with some of the clients - after all, it was a ski resort and there was no where else to go. But every now and then he'd catch a coworker cozying up to some rich bitch, and he knew something was up. Those of you who have been to fancy restaurants and clubs have all seen them - the young guy getting mauled by the older couger.

Rob said you NEVER offered "services" to anyone. The customer had to initiate it first, and she HAD to have a referral before the masseur would even discuss it. So if a woman casually said "Darla said you'd take care of me" then he knew it was OK to start negotiating. However, if she said "I heard I could get taken care of here" then they would play dumb and deny eveything.

Now before you all start enrolling in massage school and moving up to Canada, let me tell ya that it wasn't all fun and games. Since they had worked up this secret referral system, the guys pretty much had to cater to anyone who used it - else they risked being exposed to the management and losing their jobs. This meant that any woman with the proper "referrals" had to be serviced - no matter what she looked like. Ewww.

I asked about the money and he said that they were "taken care of" - whatever that means. Well, it was enough for him to keep doing it for a couple of years! It couldn't have been too bad because it turns out that he saved enough to quit the business and go back to school for nursing.

When Rob asked about me, I told him I was working at a Day Spa downtown, but Trina ended up at a massage parlor! Am I a bitch or what?