Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Client List

Did any of you guys catch the "Client List" with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime? It was another poor attempt by Hollywood to show what a massage parlor is "truly" like on the inside. Makes me gag. Once again another example of someone screwing things up by not consulting an erotic masseuse.

I think most things in life would go easier if you consulted with an erotic masseuse first, don't you? (I'm STILL looking at you Al)

Anyway, I forced myself to sit through some of it in the name of professional development. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but then again I realized that the point of the movie was to make things sexy and scandalous so people would watch. If you want realism, check out those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch. Now those are some real whores.

So what was technically wrong with it you ask? Well for starters, all the workers were drop dead gorgeous. But they had to be - they were all Hollywood actresses and not teenage runaways, drug addicts, strippers, or morally challenged massage therapists. A real massage parlor worker has more of the "girl next door" look. And a full service bordello (like in the movie) is more like the kinda girls you see in Walmart at 2:30 in the morning.

Another thing that bugged me was all the women walking around in lingerie at work. There is no quicker way to get busted by the cops than by having your staff walking around half naked. At a real massage parlor, the staff lays low and dresses conservatively so anyone walking in off the street would never suspect anything. But once in the room, you can break out all the lingerie, stiletto heels, and rubber masks to your hearts content.

And finally, I LOVED the fact that this place catered to the rich and powerful. Boy, I wonder if they're still hiring! The fact of the matter is that you don't really get to choose your customers - especially in this economy. A Busboy's money is just as good as a Lawyers. Do you really think there's a woman at the front desk asking for customers resumes?

I mean, we've had our share of local politicians, cops, lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. But politicians tend to be REALLY discrete when they stop by. They do the whole dark glasses, fake name routine. You know who brags the most about who they are? - local TV/radio/sports guys. They're just famous enough to want you to kiss their ass, and not famous enough to worry about the scandal of being caught in a massage parlor.

Now if Steven Spielberg is out there reading this crap - give me a call and I'll give you the REAL inside story of a massage parlor. But then again, could you really show a handjob in a movie?


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Outcall Massage for Dummies

Hey Guys! I was thinking that if Al Gore was a fan of my blog, he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. Or he might be in worse trouble? Who knows. Anyway, I thought that maybe it's time for me to review some of the basics of getting your happy ending for some of the newbies out there. And if you're a high powered politician, then you especially better pay attention and take notes. You know who I'm talking to...

Today's lesson is entitled "Outcall Massage, or How To Get Your Happy Ending In The Privacy Of Your Own Home."

Outcall massage is a genuine form of massage therapy and is primarily meant for customers who are bedridden, or cannot travel to a massage therapists office (i.e. senior citizens, people with disabilities, etc.). Nowadays however, outcall is associated more with tired businessmen in airport hotels. I did outcall for a little bit when I was just out of massage school, but it's a tough line of work. You have to lug around your own massage table, and the customers are often in poor shape or even ill. The pay is good if you can find an agency that can keep you busy.

But we're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about the kind of outcall meant for tired businessmen at airport hotels. This is not the kind of outcall I did, but I know more than a few girls who do this. I guess you could say I have done erotic massage on outcall, but that was just a few times for very special customers.

So you wanna have some girl come over to your hotel and provide you with some manual stress relief? Go grab the phone book (it's next to the Gideon's Bible) and flip it open to Massage. If you're in a big city, chances are you'll find a few businesses that advertise outcall massage or "We Come To You!!" Stay away from any listings using the term LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) or "Chair Massage." If your hotel offers massage services, chances are they are legit (unless you're a vice president).

Now identifying a happy ending provider is tricky because they're just not gonna tell you over the phone. However, you can try to get an idea by asking some questions. For example, "What kind of massage do you provide?" The key words to look for are stress relief, soft or accupressure. If they use the term therapeutic you may as well hang up. Another good question is "Does the masseuse have her own table?" If the answer is "No" then you are 99% home. A legit massage therapist would insist on using a portable table.

[Of course you could just avoid all this secret code stuff and just open up the yellow pages to the Escort section. That pretty much guarantees you'll get laid, but does not guarantee a massage. However, I'm an erotic masseuse, so I'm going to assume that you're still looking for a massage first and foremost.]

Now that you've figured it all out and she's on her way over, you need to seal the deal. Make sure you have cash. Chances are she's not gonna have a credit card reader in her purse, and do you really want her reading your credit card number to some guy named Rocco on her cell phone? Outcall tends to cost more than Incall because you're paying for her travel expenses etc., so try to have the cost of the session as discussed on the phone, plus an extra $100 for a hand release. If you want full services, better make it at least $200 additional. Now if you're wearing an adult diaper with a Batman mask, and you want her to bend you over her knee because "... I've been a very bad boy..." - you better empty out the ATM.

When I was listening to them discuss the Al Gore thing on the Howard Stern Show, they said it was a code sign to hug the masseuse when she arrives. I've never heard of that before - but maybe some girls do that. At The Business, I don't hug anybody I just met. I'll jerk them off, but I won't hug them. Oddly enough, my personal space doesn't include my left hand.

Anyway, the next code sign is the towel. When the masseuse asks you to "get comfortable" or "would you like a towel?" the correct response is to get naked and decline the towel. If you keep the underwear or towel - you're getting a therapeutic massage only. By the same token, if she tells you to keep on your underwear and use a towel, you may be screwed (in the bad way). Your last chance is to say "I'd prefer without" and see what she says. If she insists, then you're getting a therapeutic and you better like it.

Assuming you've successfully gotten this far and you're lying there naked on the hotel bed without a towel, the happy ending is pretty much guaranteed. At this point, she may start the massage or negotiate her tip. If she starts immediately, then she'll either offer you her options at the end of the massage, or she has no options and you're getting a hand release only. You can politely bring up the topic of "extras" at this point if you want something specific. If she offers you options up front, then the door has now been opened and you can ask about whatever perversions float your boat.

This conversation probably did not take place in Al Gores hotel room.

Remember - the masseuse sets the tone of your session and you have to follow her rules. Don't get pushy. If she's a fully clothed, handjob only kinda girl, then accept it (I'm looking at you Al). If she's a full service escort, then you may not even get to the massage. The point is that you probably won't know until after she walks through the door and explains her services to you.

There - that should be just enough information to get you guys started on your own tabloid scandals. Good luck! And if there are any guys out there with more secret tips or code signs, please feel free to weigh in.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An Inconvenient Handjob

Have you guys been following this whole Al Gore sexual assault thing? I usually don't give a shit about politics, but I took an interest to this story out of professional curiosity. I mean, masseuse accusing customer of assault - right up my alley.

Has it happened to me - oh yeah. More times than I care to think about. Luckily I've gotten out of it each time and lived to tell the tale. But I've been following this story, and I heard a discussion about it on the Howard Stern Show last week, and I wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

This story stinks.

I don't want to side against one of my fellow masseuse sisters, but I'll try to be objective. I read her statement on what happened, and what the tabloids think happened. And there are soooo many holes in the story that you guys wouldn't believe it if I said it happened to me. Funny how no one bothered to interview a masseuse to get their take on what might have happened. I know erotic massage, and I know outcall (having done it few times back in my old legit days). So here's my take...

It sounds like a happy ending massage going badly.

From what I've read, it sounds like Mr. Gore had a thing for outcall massage. So much that it might have played a part in his divorce. Now outcall has a bad reputation for being a thinly veiled front for prostitution - mostly because escort services often call themselves "outcall massage." By the way, this practice really pisses off the therapeutic community - but I digress...

Based on what was said and certain code words used, I'm guessing that Al wanted a full service massage, but ended up with a masseuse that only does hand release (like me). When she arrived in the room, apparently Al was all touchy feely - which pretty much indicated he wanted full service. She ended up giving him an "abdominal" massage, which is complete BS, since no one ever says "I've been overdoing it on my stomach crunches - so could you please work my abs? Thanks!"

Now what really clued me in is that during the massage she asked Al if there was "...any area on your body you want massaged..." That line right there is directly out of the speech we give here at The Business. Right before the happy ending, we give newbies the speech, "At this time please indicate any areas on your body that you wish to be massaged." This is the customers cue to point to his crotch. This way it's the customer soliciting us, and there's no miscommunication on what's about to happen next.

There is no need to use that line in a therapeutic massage since we traditionally just start at the shoulders and follow a routine. During the massage, I may ask how it feels and if there's a particular muscle group or spot that's sore, but that's about it. But you would never use those exact words unless you were prepared to wrap your hand around the customers prick.

Sounds like she was trying to focus the story on Al's insistence on full service, and not give away the fact that she gives handjobs. I can't blame her for that. I mean, I wouldn't want to tell the cops that I was in the middle of jerking off the former vice-president of the United States when he asked me to go down on him, and wouldn't take no for an answer. That's the big dilemma working in the sex industry - what protections do you have when you're in the middle of doing something not quite legal?

The 2nd big giveaway is that she charged $540 for a 90 minute session. NO outcall massage costs that much!! More like $140 for the massage and $400 for wearing a rubber nurses outfit while she straps a gag ball in Al's mouth and spanks his ass with a ping-pong paddle. When I read that I was like "Dang!!! I gotta go back to outcall 'cause that's Rent Money."

So that's my take on this whole scandal. Nothing more than a client disappointed for getting only a handjob. Now I've had customers disappointed that I don't do full service. But let me tell ya - they weren't complaining after one of my happy endings!


Thursday, July 15, 2010

No Longer Calling Any Wives...

Wow - this topic took a turn I didn't expect.

What I was hoping would be a series of inspirational, heart-warming stories of husbands getting busted by their wives, turned very serious very quickly. Go check out the comments.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Calling All Wives!

I just got an interesting idea from one of the comments this week (see - I am reading them!)..... Are there any wives out there who either know or suspect their husbands of visiting massage parlors? I wanna hear from you!

So far my encounters with spouses have been over the phone ("who are you and what is this number for?"); at the front desk ("explain to me these charges on my husbands credit card"); and anonymous comments on local business reviews ("those girls are all dirty husband stealers!").

Well, there have been a couple of times I've seen wives on the arms of their husbands as we've passed each other in the aisles of the grocery store. The term "Deer in the headlights" doesn't begin to describe those guys expressions.

Anyway, I would actually like to hear from any spouses out there who are mad at their husbands or masseuses. Feel free to post your comments or send me an email.

In the meanwhile let me leave you with this story...

I once had this customer who actually got off on the thought of getting caught by his wife. We didn't do too many sessions (he must have actually gotten caught!) but the few we did were pretty memorable.

The first time I had "Phil" in session, he told me his little fantasy of having his wife catch him with another woman, so I arranged to have Trina barge into the room and yell something like "how could you do this to me!" then rush back out. It was corny as hell, but it worked. It put Phil in the mood for his happy ending almost immediately.

Another time was even stranger. As we approached the end of a normal session, he paused and asked if it was OK if he made a phone call. I told him his session was almost over, but he insisted I proceed while on the phone. Turns out he had called HIS WIFE. They chatted about mundane crap like whats for dinner; meanwhile he was signalling me to do the hand release. So I kept going and it didn't take long for him to cum quietly while still talking on the phone. As I was cleaning him up, he wrapped up the call. It was totally surreal.

There - that should get all you wives out there started!


It doesn't have to be just wives - any stories about getting caught are welcome. So all you guys out there that got busted (Al Gore... I'm looking at you) please send stories.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Comments at Last!!!

Hey guys! In case you haven't noticed I FINALLY got caught up on the last 3 weeks worth of comments and questions. Sorry about that, but I promise to try to keep up from now on. In fact, I may ask my techno-nerd to try that "comment review" thing so I'm forced to review all of them when they come in. Plus, she can weed out the weirdos and the Russian porno spam for me.

So what do you guys think? Do you really care if my techno-nerd reviews and edits the comments or not? I know that we get a lot of good questions that way, so I don't want to turn anybody off.

One last thing before I say goodbye for the weekend... Maude pretty much leaves us alone, but there's one thing she nags us about - our clothes.

I mean, between the heatwave and our naturally slutty fashion tastes, we would pretty much be coming to work naked if we could . Maude put her foot down yesterday when Cindy came in wearing a wifebeater and no bra. Even I had to agree with her on that one. That shit may be fine for meeting your parole officer, but keeping undercover cops out of our parking lot - that's another story.

One trick I've been getting away with at work is wearing a baggy hoody around The Business, but with only a bra (or nothing) underneath. That way I'm only a quick zip away from a topless option. What can I say, I'm all about work.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Hangover

Hi guys. Sorry for not checking in yesterday but I'm still recovering from the weekend. Between the heat and the booze, I was a mess.

The Business was closed Sunday, so all of us were out partying our asses off. But boy did we pay for it the next day. I was working by myself (if you can ignore Maude - she's like wallpaper). Probably a good thing too because I spent the day working off my hangover. And the oven-baking heat wave didn't help things either.

Did you ever notice that when it's really hot outside, you really don't feel like doing anything inside either? Well it's especially true when you're hung-over. Luckily I only had 1 customer all day.

"Ed" is a Regular who I don't see very often, but he's been around for a few years now. He's one of my traveling salesmen customers. With those guys it's either feast or famine - they've got money to burn and I see them often or they're broke and they disappear for months on end. Well I guess Ed was finally making money again because he came in all happy and wanting "The Works." Well I told him that he could do whatever he wanted - as long as I didn't have to move.

Some guys aren't into roleplay, but a number of times now I've been asked to play "Drunk Girlfriend." I pretty much just have to lie there and let the guys dry hump me in various positions while I say things like "I am soooooooo drunk" and "Wheeeee!" I figured the game of "Hung-over CJ" wasn't much different.

Ed was eager to play but didn't know where to begin, so I suggested he start by massaging me. Was that selfish? - sure, but I don't think he minded. So I flipped over and he did a damn good job on my back (of course the way I was feeling, he could have walked on my back with golf shoes and I wouldn't have cared). But when he was finished, he skipped my legs completely and just focused on my ass.

I don't mind some good glute work every now and then, but he was pretty much just fondling and squeezing. I mean you would think he was trying to figure out if each cheek was ripe enough to pick the way he was working. First he'd rub one cheek, then the other. Then he'd give both a good squeeze. Finally he'd spread them both and just stare for a minute before starting all over again.

In "Drunk Girlfriend" it's common to do a butt release, so I offered that to Ed - partly because I'm all about making the customer happy, but mostly because I didn't feel like rolling over. He stammered a "yes" and then didn't really know what to do. I had to walk him through it because he was more of a standard roll-over-for-your-happy-ending kinda guy.

Ed climbed up on the table and I told him to take the oil bottle and get himself well lubed. Then for good measure I suggested he oil up my ass crack which made him really happy.

"Now what?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Go to town," I said. "Just slide it between my cheeks and sort of dry hump me. And when you're ready to cum, just shoot it on my back."

So I put my head down and relaxed for a few minutes until he was done. Anyway, I relaxed as much as possible with a sweaty 200 pound guy on top of me rubbing against my ass. I was THAT hung-over.

I knew he was done when he gave out a few grunts, then stopped moving. I was praying that he's not a flopper when I started to feel him peel himself off of me. Between all the oil, the sweat and the semen, we were both a sticky mess. I ended up taking a shower afterwards and the cool water felt good and even woke me up a little. Ed left me a generous tip and promised not to be so scarce from now on. It was his first butt release and now I think he's hooked.

I spent the rest of the day parked in front of the AC vent and popping aspirin. Normally I would have caught up on the blog comments, but I was not in the mood. Sorry I've been so bad lately, but I promise to catch up and comment on the last 2 weeks worth.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Cumming to a Theater Near You...

This week, Audrey finally introduced her sister Maude to us. I'm not sure what was more shocking - the fact that this is the first time in months that we've actually seen Audrey at work, or that her sister looks absolutely nothing like here.

Let me put it to you this way... anyone wandering in off the street and seeing that sour puss at the front desk would not think for a second that we're a massage parlor. Putting Maude and handjobs in the same thought would leave your head spinning. In a way it's kinda good that we're relying on Regulars for business right now, because newbies would probably run for the hills.

Trina and I were trying to figure out who would play us in "Happyendingz - The Movie" when it occurred to us that Kathy Bates would be perfect to play Maude. Originally I wanted to be played by Lindsey Lohan, but now that she's a hot mess I think she would be a much better Cindy. Partly because they both have that devil-may-care attitude, but mostly because they both look hot wearing an alcohol bracelet.

Trina now wants to be played by Sarah Jessica Parker - probably because she just saw that Sex in the City movie. I argued that no one would want to look at her face while getting jerked off. I mean I guess you could try to cover her face with the semen, but that's just my opinion.

Meanwhile I have changed my mind as to who will play me. I want Anna Faris from the Scary Movie series. She would need implants to get the look down, but I think she would give me that girl-next-door vibe. And I think the movie should be more a sexy comedy instead of a serious drama. If you’re thinking it would make a great porno, it’s been done. Check out Jenna Jameson in ‘The Masseuse.’ That first scene pretty much sums it up what it’s like to be in The Business.

Now there was one actress that both Trina and I agreed on. Audrey would be played by Andy Dick in a wig.

Everyone have a good 4th of July weekend! We are closed and I'm getting my drink-on!!!!