Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Confessions of an Erotic Moonlighter

I just wanted to say that this is not the first job offer I've ever had while working at The  Business [and before anyone else says it, yes - I've been offered the "blow" job].  Erotic Masseuse is actually a pretty good way to network with local business leaders (and you wouldn't believe what you're promised by horny old business men when blood is rushing away from their brains).  

Business Opportunities
Apart from getting offered to run someone else's business, I've been offered:

Part ownership in other parlors
Part ownership in a strip club
Part ownership in a mushroom farm
FULL ownership in an energy drink franchise
Amway distributorship
My very own breeding pair of Lamas
A bachelors degree from the University of the State of New York (Not to be confused with the State University of New York)

Needless to say I didn't accept any of these offers.  Except for the mushroom farm - I really did investigate that and almost put in some of my own money.  Really.  A good mushroom farm is like having a license to print money around here.

Job Offers
You would be surprised at how many job offers I get on a regular basis.  Most of them are bullshit of course, but some are quite real.  In fact, I've taken lots of "side" jobs from customers.  The offers have included:

Fashion modeling
Porn movies
Bartending (lots of these)
Topless bartending (even more of these)
Dog watching
"Sexy" housekeeping
Babysitting (Really?!?! You want me around your wife?)
Car sales

I've been offered lots of opportunities to do "adult" modeling including pics and videos.  And the sad thing is that I've always said "no" to these paying jobs and "yes" to a convincing boyfriend or customer with a cell phone.  Go figure.

One job I have taken in the past is "sexy" housekeeping.  This is where you put on one of those french maid outfits and clean a guys house.  In fact, I've actually done this 3 times.  It pays pretty good, but it's kind of surreal.  I spend  a couple hours actually scrubbing toilets and vacuuming floors (usually in preparation for a party of some kind), then I give my generous employer a handjob.  

The car sales thing was an interesting offer.  The guy said that I was a natural at sales and selling cars wasn't much different than selling massage extras and options.  

And the number one most popular job offer I get around here?  Believe it or not, it's secretary/receptionist.  I guess a lot of guys would love to make my smiling face the first thing they see when the show up at work.   Not that I'd be bad at it mind you.  I could type 70 words per minute right out of high school.  Today... not so much... but at least I'm good at smiling at strangers who walk through the door.  

Since I've started the blog, I've been offered jobs as a "Consultant" for movies/TV shows about massage parlors.  The most interesting of them was hosting a show where I would travel the country visiting (and working in) different parlors.

Let me get this straight... you want to film me travelling all over the country committing misdemeanors and violating public decency laws?  Where do I sign up!


Monday, September 17, 2012

Job Offer

It's been a while and there's a reason.  Not a good one, but a reason nonetheless.  I got a job offer.  My girlfriend who owns her own place about 2 hours from here offered me a job running her place.

I'm pretty much running The Business as it is, but she's offering me enough so I could retire these much over-used hands.  Her place employs 8 girls and does way more business than we do.  They have a great location much closer to Philly, and their rates and door fee are higher than ours.  Basically I could make the same just managing the place, without having to get my hands dirty (pun totally intended).  

So why the change of heart now?  It's not like I don't care about The Business.  In fact, I probably care about this damn place way more than I should.  It's just that with all that's happened with Audrey and Derek and everything else, I've been considering wiping the slate clean.  And yes, I'm talking about a complete change including moving and everything.  

Don't worry - I'll probably keep blabbing about the business, it'll just be a new business.  

I haven't done anything yet, but I am seriously thinking about taking her up on the offer.  We go way back and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.  She's just been having trouble keeping an eye on her place due to some personal drama of her own.  My only concern is that once she gets her shit together, she'll want to come back and take over.  I mean, it's not like I can go over there for a year or so, then come back here and pick up my life where I left off.

So now I have a lot to think about.  What I really want to do is manage my own tanning place, but instead I've become this sort of massage parlor management consultant.  

I'm not saying I'm a great manager or anything, but I'm currently researching whether I can get a government bailout.