Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Confessions of an Erotic Cripple

I'm back! Thanks to Trina for helping me out for the last week. What happened to me was incredibly stupid and I'm really embarassed to even talk about it now. But here goes...

Early last week I volunteered to go pick up my nephew after school. As I was walking down the sidewalk toward the building, I wasn't paying attention and ended up tripping on an uneven part of the sidewalk. I guess the toe of my shoe caught the edge of the concrete just right because my right foot came to a complete stop and I fell forward.

As I was falling forward, I was twisting so that the right side of my body made FULL contact with the ground. And I mean HARD. Luckily I didn't hit my head, but my right shoulder took the full impact. I was lying there on the ground, stunned at first, but then I sat up and it didn't feel like anything was broken - just bruised. The crossing guard saw the whole thing and that bitch started laughing. Ya know, there's nothing funny about falling down - unless it's happening to someone else, and then it's hilarious.

But that wasn't the hilarious part. The hilarious part was when I finally tried to get back on my feet. I kinda stumbled for a second, then took my first step and THWACK!!! It happened again!!!! Only this time, as I started to fall forward, I put my right hand out in front of me. My hand took the full force this time, then my arm bent and I slammed on my elbow. NOW my right hand is all bruised and cut, and my right elbow is sore as shit!!!

At least my legs were OK, so I was still able to pick up my nephew and drive him home. I didn't think it was too bad at first. I mean, the bleeding in my hand had stopped and I was OK to drive with my left hand. Later that night I had a few beers with some friends and I just sort of nursed my right arm and shoulder. They were sore, but I was still able to move them around.

The Next Morning (dot dot dot)

I COULD NOT LIFT MY RIGHT ARM AT ALL. My body was sore from the top of my right shoulder blade, all the way down to my hip. I couldn't bend my elbow and my right hand was black and blue. I cried for a good part of the morning as I swallowed a handful of Advil and attempted to wash and dress myself for work.

Yes, I went to work. Here I am - a total cripple who relies on her skilled hands to make a living, and I'm going to work. I was working with Cindy that first morning, so I relied on her to fetch me pillows, answer the phone and cover the front desk. I was hoping that the Advil would kick in and I'd be able to at least do some light massage, but no such luck. And by the time the door bell started ringing, I knew I had to improvise.

I had 2 customers that shift. I was hoping for Regulars who would be understanding, but I got 2 newbies instead. Well boys, you're in for a treat because about all I was capable of doing was getting naked and giving happy endings (thank Gawd I jerk lefty).

By the time I got the first guy in the room, I knew I couldn't fake my way through the massage. I explained to him my dilemma and told him that all I could really offer was a Mutual Massage. At first he didn't know what to make of me and his first ever erotic massage, but when I explained to him that the Mutual is where we take turns massaging each other (except I won't be returning the favor this time), he readily accepted. Normally I only offer Mutuals to Regulars I'm comfortable with, but I was stuck! I was only afraid that I was gonna get screwed because I charge extra for those, but he didn't seem to mind.

He took the nude option with the Mutual, so I dropped my pants with some difficulty. But when it came to the shirt I realized I couldn't lift my right arm higher than my shoulders!!! I started making whimpering noises and asked him with big puppy dog eyes if he could help take my shirt and bra off.

Surprisingly he didn't complain. In fact, he was incredibly sweet and attentive for a new guy. He gave me a pretty good massage, and even worked the sore areas under my direction. And since I couldn't switch places with him, I let him have some extra time playing with The Girls instead. That seemed to make him happy, so when it was finally time for the happy ending, he was more than ready. My left hand was fine, so I had no problem with the hand release. He left happy and even tipped me an extra $10 for my "pain and suffering." LOL

The second guy was also a newbie. I gave him the same song and dance, but added that he'd have to undress me as well. He seemed way more than happy to help out. That's when I realized that I could play the pity card and use this injury to my advantage. I thought that customers would get pissed at me for being out of commission, or at least accuse me of trying to rip them off. But for the last couple of days, everyone's been more than happy to take the Mutual option and "help me out of these clothes."

A couple of my Regulars I didn't charge extra because they've always paid the same amount, and 1 guy actually cancelled his appointment "until you get better." But in the end, this past week has turned out to be quite lucrative for a masseuse who can't actually massage.

And thanks to you guys for being so understanding these last few days. Trina said she had fun telling her story, but is in no hurry to do it again. She said writing hurts her brain.


Friday, March 27, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Narc

Hi - this is "Trina" and I am todays guest host.

"CJ" had a little accident this week and she cant use her right hand. It hasnt stopped her from working. In fact shes sitting next to me right now making jerking motions with her good left hand and laughing hysterically. She told me to write a story.

I can write whatever I want she said. CJ IS A LYING SKANK WHORE WHO BLOWS OLD MEN FOR NICKELS!!!!!

"CJ" just tried to take her computer away from me but shes a gimp right now. So HAHAHA. So here is todays story which happend to all of us here.

I am going to talk about the new "freak of the week." Not all the freaks are fun and games. Take this new guy. Hes not exactly new since hes been coming here and seeing everyone at least once. In fact he just saw "Cindy" this past week (with her giant 7 month pregnant belly). After he left we all compared notes and hes still saying the same story.

Hes a corrections officer but we all just call him "The Narc" for short. How do we know hes a corrections officer? He keeps saying it every 2 seconds. Thats all. Also Cindys seen him down at the courthouse so we know its true.

But why tell us this then expect to get your dick rubbed? There are 2 reasons why cops say this up front. The first is that its their way of saying their cool or their not trying to hide anything and we can relax around them. We get customers who say things like "I work with Officer Jones and he told me to come here". The local cops who come in and even the state cops are pretty cool and they get treated just like everyone else.

The second reason is that guys say their cops to intimidate us in the hopes that we will do whatever they say like cut our prices and do extras. The thing with this second group of guys is that it NEVER works on us. It may work on the new girls but the rest of us know that these guys are usually just really bad liars. I get one of these assholes every now and then and when I do I give them a therapeutic only.

The Narc is from the first group of guys but not in a good way. Hes been tellinge every one hes a cop in the hopes that someone will offer him full service. And it gets weirder. Hes asked everyone (including ME) to see him outside of work.

This is what happens. Hes told each of us the same story: Hes a married guy. Never cheated on his wife before. But he wants a little something on the side. Hes made the exact same offer to every one - $1000 for 6 hours of our time.

Is this the fishyest thing youve ever heard or what????!!!????!! What are you gonna do for 6 hours? And $1000? Sounds like he just pulled that number out of his ass. The whole thing just stinks. at first we all thought that this guy is some kind of serial killer but he is a corrections officer. Or maybe he does want to cheat on his wife but hes just really really bad at figuring out how to do it.

What do you people out there think? We all think hes a fucking nutjob but hes good for $150 per session so were not ready to ban him just yet. I mean he doesnt give off the serial killer vibe (as if Id know the difference). But if anyone out there has seen this scam before write "CJ" and let her know.


ps..... what ever "CJ" writes about me is not true!!!!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Marlboro Man

Well, I've got a good one for you this week. 2 months of basic rub and tugs, and now it's like they're coming out of the woodwork. Well, they say it never rains, but it pours...

So anyway, this story starts about 4 months ago when this guy first came in. Nothing to remember really, except that he asked me if I smoked and could he light one up in the room. Personally, I wouldn't give a shit if a customer wanted to smoke in the room, but Audrey was working with me at the time so I gave him a song and dance about how we're a "non-smoking" facility, blah blah blah.

Cut to this week. The Marlboro Man comes back and asks if I remember him. I said "kinda" so he refreshed my memory.

"Is it OK if I smoke now?" he asks with a big grin. I was like "whatever" since I was alone that shift and we were at the front desk. But instead of lighting up he just asks if we could go in session.
Once in the room, he sits me down and asks if I have any cigs. I said sure, so I told him to get comfortable and I'll be right back. I find my purse and grab 2 since I figure I'll burn one as well (The Bitch ain't here, so who cares, right?). I walk back in the room and he's sitting naked on the table. I offer him one.

"Not me... you. I'll pay you extra if you smoke in front of me." Now that's a first! I must have given him a weird look because he said "I love to watch women smoke. It's like a major turn on for me." I told him that's cool, but could we do the massage first because I felt uncomfortable dangling a lit cigarette over a naked body while I'm working.

Let me explain something here. I had a pack of the new FSC's (Fire Safety Cigarettes). These things are wild - if you stop puffing on it for whatever reason, it extinguishes itself automatically after a minute or so! So even if I just wanted to keep a lit one in the room (as an aphrodisiac for Marlboro Man), I didn't have the option.

He paid for a nude, and asked that the Happy Ending last for at least 1 entire cigarette. I agreed and got undressed. The session was pretty plain. We talked about the economy and gas prices - nothing exciting.

After I asked him to roll over onto his back, I worked his legs pretty good and noticed his dick was limp the entire time. But when I finally stopped and reached for that cigarette and lighter, I saw a definite twitch. As I fumbled with the lighter and made a big production of lighting up, his cock went from 0 to 60 - I am not kidding you. He wasn't even touching himself either!

"So how does this work?" I said since I was genuinely curious. I'm always looking for ways to improve my craft - LOL

He motioned for me to come over and stand right next to him. "Can you talk and smoke at the same time?" he asked. I nodded. "In my opinion, this is the hottest thing a woman can do."

That had me wondering. "How do you do in bars? I mean, all the women smoking in public must be a big turn on for you, right?"

He nodded a big yes. Turns out that smoking women are his fetish. There are even websites dedicated to this (guys are so weird). "Just keep talking and do your thing. All I want is to just watch you smoke. And try not to remove it from your mouth while you're talking."

There I was, puffing away while he sat up on his elbows watching me smoke. I leaned right into him and blew a big cloud right in his grinning face. I swear - he moaned just like I was blowing him! So instead of grabbing his cock, I started tugging on his balls while blowing the smoke directly at him. Now he was really getting into it. After a minute of ball play and smoke he says "Pinch my nipples with your other hand... Ohhhhhhhh... that's it..."

Now picture this - right hand pinching his nipple, left hand rubbing his cock, and my lips blowing smoke into his face. Am I good or what?

"Mmmmmmm baby, how do you like that?" I managed to say with the cigarette dangling from my lips. At that he gave out a big sigh. I figured that watching the cigarette bounce up and down while I talked was the mental equivalent of shoving a finger up his ass. This guy was totally in heaven.

I realized that he was getting off more on the smoking than on the tugging. "Fuck! you are so sexy when you do that" he practically yelled. "Uhhhh... Could you do one more thing?" Geez - my 2 hands are busy, and my mouth is already wrapped around a cigarette, so what else could he possibly want me to do? "I want you to look deep into my eyes and talk dirty while you smoke. Just whatever you do, don't stop smoking." So I slowed down the handjob and concentrated more on the talking.

"You're a dirty little boy aren't you?.. (puff puff)... And you like dirty girls who smoke... (puff puff)... You like it in your face, don't you?... (puff puff)"

Well, I managed to keep this up until I smoked that thing down to the butt. Smoking and talking at the same time is hard! I swear to you guys - I didn't realize how much I was getting into this session, because I NEVER smoke a full cigarette. Look at the coffee can outside our door - it's full of half burnt ones. When I got to the butt, I kicked the handjob into high gear and begged him to cum for me.

Even though I was losing smoke, he was still fixated on what was left of the cigarette dangling from my lips. So I gave him one last final round of dirty talk just inches from his face so he could enjoy every last little bounce of that filter. He came very loudly (luckily I was alone that night). Once it was over, I realized how light-headed I was from sucking down a while cigarette. I had to sit down, so I just kinda tossed the towel at him to clean himself up.

He thanked me something like 20 times. I guess he can't find a girlfriend to enjoy his fetish with. He asked what he owed for the "extra" and I told him "whatever" since I was still a little woozy and too embarassed to admit that I had fun too. He tipped me an extra $40.

And the funny thing is that when it was all over and I came down off my nicotine high, I knew this was going to be a great story. So I grabbed my laptop and starting writing everything down before I forgot any details. I think this blog thing is helping me to appreciate some of our "unique" customers more. When I was right in the middle of my nipple-pinching, cock-jerking, smoke-talking happy ending, I was thinking this was gonna make for a great Freak of the Week.

I guess I can only thank you guys for making me look at my job in a new light. LOL. Thanks for the encouragement! And to all you guys out there with a weird little kink - come on in so I don't run out of ideas.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Job Satisfaction, Employee Benefits, And Other Bad Puns About Getting Off On The Job - Part 2: And the Award for Best Actress Goes To...

OK... last time I talked about what secretly turns me on at work. Now today I'm gonna give away a few more secrets - but not the kind you wanna hear. Sorry guys, but today's topic is about what I secretely DON'T get off on at work.

Ya see, a lot of what I do is called ACTING. Sometimes we get these customers who want to role play, or do some minor discipline stuff, or just want to see me get off. It's all just an act. Over the years I've learned how to:

Act like a cheerleader who's been naughty
Tie bondage knots
Pretend masterbate
Make "no" sound like "yes."

I could write tons of stuff about all the weird role playing stuff I've been asked to do, but I'll save that for more Freak of the Week stories. What I want to explain to you today is how I fake it.

I won't finger myself for a customer, but I've mastered the art of faking it. This is a rather expensive extra that I don't mind doing. I have my whole technique down to a science. I fold my index finger in just the right way to make it look like it's been inserted. Then if I move it around fast enough (in a dark room), the customer won't be able to tell the difference.

Dildoes and Vibrators
Customers can bring in sex toys as long as they're still sealed in the original packaging. I will NOT stick anything inside me, but I'll play with them and rub them around my pussy and stuff. This is one of my most expensive extras, so please don't start dragging bags of toys to your next massage appointment. My trick with vibrators is to hold them in just such a way that they don't actually touch my clit. But I'll moan and squirm on the table like a dirty little whore all the same. I wish you could see it - my performance is worthy of an Oscar. Fuck Meryl Streep - getting a guy to believe that you're fucking yourself silly with a vibrator while he's standing just 2 feet away - THAT takes talent.

In all my time here in The Business, I’ve only seen a strap-on once. It was brought in by this quiet little guy (it’s always the quiet ones, right?) who only came in once. When he first showed it to me, I thought it was just another dildo that I would have to pretend-fuck. Then he explained to me what it was really for…

“Holy shit! You want me to do WHAT?” I couldn’t believe that this guy had just walked in off the street and asked ME to fuck HIM up the ass. I swear to you I had never heard of this before. I was amazed that a device actually existed for women to do this sort of thing. Where do you guys come up with this stuff???

Anyway, we talked for a while and he discussed the mechanics of how it all worked. After the shock wore off, he asked me (more like pleaded) if I’d do it. Now normally I don’t offer to do extras for new customers, but I was intrigued by the whole idea. So a couple hundred dollars of “intrigue” later, I found myself strapping that sucker on.

I find it hard to describe. But I think the closest thing to compare it to is a power trip. I just felt this rush of being in charge because I was doing the fucking. He was on all fours and I was kneeling behind him just ramming away. Thank Gawd he couldn’t see me because I was starting to make my fuck faces – that is how much I was getting into it.

After a while he asked to change positions. That’s when I discovered that I was soaking wet! I began to panic, but luckily he was too much in his own world to notice me trying to casually clean myself. We ended the session with him on his back and me fucking him missionary style. From this position he was able to take care of himself at the same time, while I did my best not to let him know how much this was turning me on. I don’t know how you guys do it, but missionary fucking is HARD on the legs!

When it was all done, I had this weird feeling of confusion because this total stranger had just managed to get me all hot and bothered in a way I had never experienced before. I had absolutely no interest in having sex with the guy, it was just this act of pretend-fucking really turned me on. And that was the one and only time I had ever used a strap-on. I don’t think I could do that with a guy I was dating because I think part of the power trip for me was that whole humiliation thing going on. After you fuck a guy in the ass, I doubt you could look at him the same ever again. I hope that makes some sense.

............. wow.... I even felt a little funny remembering all that just now. I never saw that guy again, which may or not be a bad thing. The problem for me with getting aroused at work is that I feel like it's a loss of control. Inside that room I am in charge and nothing happens without my consent. So when something like that happens where I let myself go, I feel that loss of control which makes me feel very uncomfortable. But that's just me.

I hope I didn't burst too many bubbles today. And to all the guys who've asked about seeing me in session - ya still wanna see me now? LOL


Friday, March 13, 2009

Everything You Wanted To Know About Erotic Massage But Were Afraid To Ask

I've been getting a lot of messages lately from guys who are new to the world of erotic massage. Well, welcome to my corner of the internet where I've been talking about all the secrets, tips, code words, and tricks of the trade!

A lot of you out there tell me you enjoy reading about my adventures, but haven't tried it themselves. Some guys are scared because they've never been around masseuses before while others are worried about getting arrested. And then there's the occasional guy worried about catching something. I can assure you guys that we are harmless, there's nothing to worry about, and you should JUST DO IT. I've been getting a lot of the same questions over and over, so maybe this is a good time to go over what I've taught you guys over the past year.

So let's review:

About Me
My name is CJ and I'm an Erotic Masseuse. I provide relaxing massages with a "Happy Ending" at my Business. I started this blog because it's fun to share all these wacky stories with everyone. And in order to do this, I have to remain anonymous and can't make appointments with any of you. Sorry! This hurts me more than it hurts you since I could really really really use the business right now.

The Index
The best thing you can do is to just start reading all this crap from the beginning. But for those of you who are lazy, or just in a hurry, you can quickly catch up on all the required reading. I guess you can treat this as an index of all the good stuff.

1) For those of you completely new to the world of the "Happy Ending" the best place to start is to click here to see what happens in a typical massage session.

2) For Massage Parlor lingo and terms, click here.

3) If you want to know how to identify a massage parlor in your area, click here.

4) Once you've found a place you want to visit, click here to learn proper massage parlor etiquette.

5) For those of you who are too afraid to visit a massage parlor, click Here, Here and Here.

6) Anyone who reads this mess regularly knows that I'm totally against the Asian Massage Parlors (AMPs). It's not because I'm a racist or anything, or that I just want to trash the competition. It's just that most of the asian places around here are tied to organized crime and the girls who work there are pretty much trapped there. Click here for the full story.

7) If I still haven't convinced you yet to try an erotic massage, but would like to work your way up starting with a regular therapeutic massage, click here.

8) Now for the rest of you who ended up here by accident, Click here if you want to escape quickly before your company figures out what you're doing and fire your perverted ass.

So far the funniest case of being in the wrong place is the girl who wrote me asking if she could "contribute" something to this blog. I figured she's a colleague out there just wanting to share a couple kinky stories. Nope - turns out she's a sports massage therapist looking to practice her writing skills. I guess she did a google search for "massage therapy" and wrote to everyone who popped up. I said "Honey, unless you're jerking off the lacrosse team, I think you're in the wrong place." I haven't heard back from her since.

OK, start your reading - I'll wait.

Done? To all the newbies out there - feel free to leave comments on the old stuff. I get to see all of them and will gladly answer your questions.

Welcome everyone! So get comfortable, lie back and relax. Your CJ will take care of you. And remember - I work for tips.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Job Satisfaction, Employee Benefits, Dippin The Pen In The Company Ink, And Other Bad Puns About Getting Off On The Job - Part 1: Pushing My Buttons

I've decided to try something different. Now I'm going to share with you some real secrets that I've never shared with anyone outside of work. In fact, I'm already squirming as I write this since some of it will be news even to Trina (I'm sorry!). When I first got asked the question about whether I've ever gotten off at work, I thought I could answer that in 2 sentences. After I started writing I realized that I had enough stories to make this a multi-part series, so welcome to Part 1.

Today I'll talk about all the stuff that REALLY works on me. First of all, let me start off by saying that it is possible to turn me on during a massage. Hey - I'm only human, and when your working conditions consist of naked flesh, baby oil, moodlighting, scented candles, soft music, and lots and lots of bodily touch, it's inevitable. But for me to get turned on at work, it's more of a mental thing than a physical one. Let me explain.

The Cumshot
I love to watch men cum. The act of cum shooting from a guys penis is actually a little thrill for me. I guess part of it is knowledge of a job well done, but I'm also fascinated by the visual of the stuff just shooting out. Most guys don't believe me when I tell them this, but it's true. I would definitely consider this a job benefit.

Sexy Talk
Now this is a real secret that I've never shared with anyone outside of work. I LOVE it when a guy talks sexy to me during session. BUT ONLY IF HE’S GOOD AT IT. Now I'm not talking about dirty talk - that's a whole different thing. In fact, I consider dirty talk as an extra and sometimes charge for it. Examples of dirty talk from a customer would be:

"You fucking whore" slut, tramp, bitch, ho, skank, cunt, etc.
"You like it rough, don't ya?" or other roll playing stuff
"Jerk that cock" prick, dick, rod, pole, man meat, love stick, etc.

I'll allow a little bit of dirty talk during the happy ending if it'll help the guy finish quicker, but if he wants to focus on it and do it during the entire session, I'll charge him extra. If you think that's unfair on my part, you try listening to a guy call you a dirty cunt for an hour and see how you like it.
Now if he wants me to talk dirty to him, I'll charge even more since I don't like doing it. My typical dirty material is stuff like:

"Wanna fuck my tight little ass?"
"Fuck me! Fuck me hard!" This one's a real crowd pleaser and works well at getting a guy hard
"Cum baby... Cum on my face" mouth, pussy, tits, ass, hands, elbows, pinky toe, etc.

No - What turns me on is sexy talk, the kind that you'd do with a girlfriend. I like it when the guy says things like "...You're so beautiful... I love it when you touch me...That feels soooo good..." I know that may sound kinda corny, but I gobble that up. I guess it’s just the romantic in me. If it helps you to understand it any, think of it as a mental form of lubricant.

Now it doesn't work every time. For me to get turned on during session, I have to be really comfortable with the guy, and there has to be some kind of connection. Just being good looking doesn’t cut it. If he can make me laugh, or relax, or even just be good conversation, I'm way more likely to enjoy it. AND he has to be good at it. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell customers to shut the hell up because they were just creeping me out with shit like:

"Who's your daddy?" What is this, 1998?
"Oh Carla..." Sheila, Tiffany, Penny, Marge, Fred, Agnes, etc. I am NOT your ex
"You're a good little girl" or any variation of the little girl theme just creeps me out
"I like your vagina" Vagina? Come on, that's just weird

The sad thing is that I can't and won't tell a guy if it's working or not. I just consider myself lucky if it's not creepy. In fact, when it does work I've found myself getting wet unintentionlly during a session. In these situations, I try to casually clean myself up without him noticing. And if I do end up getting aroused at work, I won't finish myself off - I save that for after I get home.

I don't know why I refuse to let myself go at work. Maybe it's the professional detachment that protects me from the wackos (and keeps me sane) that prevents me from doing it. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm losing an opportunity to enjoy myself, since a really stimulating session is pretty rare. But I think this is just a case of where boys are different from girls. If you told a guy it's OK to "get off" at work, he'd probably whip it out right there and blow a load all over his desk.

So those are the secrets to pushing my buttons. Too bad none of you know where I am. LOL


Thursday, March 5, 2009



Its fucking 12 midnight on Monday. I got home about 10 minutes ago. What's normally a 30 minute drive to work took 2 FUCKING HOURS there and another 2 FUCKING HOURS back. And you wanna know why I drove 2 FUCKING HOURS to work and 2 FUCKING HOURS back? Because Audrey is a FUCKING GREEDY BITCH. That's why.

I called her up and told her it was gonna be a bad one today, but that bitch cunt asshole told us to go to work anyway. Monday is only 1 shift - the night shift, and I got stuck with it during the snow storm. And to make things more interesting, I had offered (for the first time) to drive Cindy to work.

So there we were - stuck in traffic and snow for 2 hours on the way in. Well, at least we had plenty of time to catch up on the last couple of years! Nothing breaks the ice better than to be locked inside of a little metal box traveling 10 miles per hour behind assholes who don't know how to drive in the snow.


Like I was saying, Cindy and I had more than a few minutes to kill on Monday afternoon, so I got her life story. Turns out that the money she stole from me only lasted her a few days. She had pretty much burned all her bridges over the course of a week, so she ended up doing all sorts of things to make a living. She tried her hand at bartending, waitressing, and even hooking.

I know what you're thinking and I'm just as shocked as you are. Cindy does not have the organizational skills needed to waitress. She confirmed this and added that nothing she did lasted very long. Even the hooking, she said, she wasn't very good at.

Cindy explained that she was practicing a particular kind of hooking she called "dating." This involves seeing only guys she knew: friends, ex-boyfriends, boyfriends of her girlfriends, guys from the bar, her drug dealers, and even her old probation officer! The deal was that they'd call her up and she'd come over to their place, hang out for a bit, fuck them, hang out a bit more, then leave with the cash.

But that's not the weird part about "dating." The weird part was that if she needed, say fifty bucks, to score, she would feel perfectly free to call up these guys and make "dates" with them! I was amazed by the balls it must take to call up a guy you know and just say, "Hey... If you're not busy, can I come over and blow you for $50?"

I asked her what's the cheapest thing she ever did. She said a guy once talked her down to $20 to fuck. But the one thing that made her feel the cheapest was when she blew 2 friends in a mens room for $40. This is when she realized she had a drug problem and needed help. Well Duh. Too bad she didn't realize that the day before she ripped me off.

Funny story - Apparently Cindy tried an escort service but it didn't work out. Called up one of those places in the phone book and asked if they were hiring. She talked to some guy who set her up on her first "deal" (as they in the professional prostitution industry called them). As she stood in front of a motel door, she realized that she didn't have what it takes to fuck a complete stranger.

I don't know what's worse - fucking a guy you don't know in a motel room, or blowing 2 guys you do know in a filthy mens room. I'll leave that one up to the philosophers.

I asked what it's like to fuck guys for money, and she said it's not actually that horrible. She would just turn herself to face the wall and just try to tune out till they were done. Said as long as you don't make eye contact, it's easier. Knowing the guys gave her a false sense of security - like she was somehow safer with a familiar face. I guess that kinda makes sense.

And the sessions were all pretty much the same. She'd start by blowing them. While they fucked they'd either say something along the lines of "Oh my Gawd you're so hot..." or "Take it ya fuckin' whore!" Then they'd cum and she would have to push them off her and make small talk for a little bit before heading over to her dealer. It was a routine she lived with for almost a year.

What changed it all was one day she crashed a friends car while driving high as a kite. DUI was the least of her problems, and she ended up in jail for 5 months. It was rough, she said, but at least it cleaned her up.

I managed to get all that out of her during our 2 hours to work and 2 hours back (did I mention that I spent 2 FUCKING HOURS driving to and 2 FUCKING HOURS driving from work?). I don't know if I feel any differently about her, but at least I know what to replace the "......" with when I talk about what happened to the girl who used to be my BFF.

Oh, and no customers came in on Monday.


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Confessions of a Hustler Honey

We get a lot of guys in here claiming to be "photographers," but believe it or not, I've actually had a few real ones from Playboy, fashion mags and stuff. How do I know they were real? Well, the phony guys are the ones who are always "scouting" for talent, and want you to come to their room at the Best Western for some "test shots." The real McCoys tell you upfront that they only work with agencies.

Now the Playboy guy was interesting. He said that I'm probably better looking than most of the models he has to work with (mind you - this was a couple years ago). He confessed that most of the women you see in the magazine require hours of makeup, are too short to be fashion models, are a total nightmare to work with, and end up getting airbrushed anyway. He asked me if I had done any modeling before and I said no (unless you consider those pictures taken last summer at a wet T-shirt contest as "modeling"). Back then I was this young, naive girl who had a jealous boyfriend and never dreamed of leaving town, so I ended up telling him that I'd be too embarassed to do anything like that. This is one of the few opportunities in my life that I now regret not taking advantage of.

I told the guy that I could never show my face, but he said that's not a problem. This is when I learned that Playboy and other magazines use something called "body" models. Let's say that a model has a kickin' body and a butter-face. They could do photoshoots of just the body parts they like (breasts, ass, etc.) and then use them by themselves in ads and stuff. The other thing they can do (and this is the freaky thing) is that they can also digitally put my breasts on another womans body! The Playboy guy said they don't do that for the pictorials, but it's done all the time for advertisements in magazines and catalogs. If I was interested I could probably get $500 per photo session. I had to tell him "no" since I knew my boyfriend at the time would be totally against it.

Then there was the time I was contacted by a guy from Hustler magazine. Apparently a male friend of mine sent in a pic for their "Beaver Hunt" without telling me. Well LUCKILY they couldn't print anything without my permission, but I guess they found the pic interesting enough for them to try to find me. This "friend" of mine had some pics of me and a girlfriend washing our cars one hot summer day. Well, when you mix enough beer, water, suds, and bikini clad girls together, it quickly degenerates into the kind of soft porn you see on Cinemax late at night.

So out of the blue, this "friend" called me up and explained what he had done with the pics. After I finished screaming and yelling at him for an hour, I finally settled down and agreed to call the guy from Hustler. The person I ended up talking to was an editor from the magazine who wanted to put me in contact with a professional photographer.

We chatted for a bit and he said that my pics more than guaranteed me a spot in the Beaver Hunt (wow - what an honor!), but he wanted to know if I'd be interested in doing some nude modeling for ads or pictorials (apparently the actual "Honeys" are professional adult models and I would have to work my way up to that). We talked money and it turned out not to be great. But what really killed the deal was (once again) an overly jealous boyfriend.

I sat down with him afterwards to explain what happened. I had to be careful because I knew he would want to murder my "friend," so I played it up as a joke that we were both in on. He bought my story, but still gave a big "No fucking way" to the idea of me modeling nude.

Now this decision is NOT one of the ones that I regret as I look back! But every now and then when I feel like my life is a total train wreck, I think back to that phone conversation and what might have been if I had said "sure!" Who knows, maybe this blog woulda been called "Confessions Of An Aging Porn Star."