Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Grandma Test or How To Spot A Massage Parlor

The other day one of you guys asked if I've ever heard of a "four hands" massage and whether that's legit or not.

Think about it - 2 girls rubbing you down and you're wondering if it's legit? Questions like this made me think it's a good time to refresh your memories on the finer points of finding a massage parlor.

But first in answer to your question, yes - we call that a "double" here at The Business. When 2 girls are working you at the same time, one usually massages the legs while the other does the upper body. This way we don't keep bumping into each other while working.

When it comes to the happy ending, usually 1 girl takes over while the other girl teases the guy. I know most guys have this fantasy about 4 hands working their cock at the same time. BUT - the reality is that most guys don't have enough cock to make it happen. And there are the problems of getting the timing perfect during the jerking motion. If the 2 of you are not synchronized just right, it's basically torture for the guy (picture 4 hands colliding all over your dick - not a pretty picture).

One girl handles the dick while the other girl teases the guy to speed things up. If teasing's my job, I'll usually rub his chest or thighs, or maybe rake my fingernails over them. If the customer asks, I'll stand by his head and rub The Girls in has face, or let him fondle them. Either way, the 2-girl happy ending is usually pretty quick.

Now back to the problem of identifying a massage parlor. Let's use the 4-hand massage as an example, shall we?

The Grandma Test
Therapeutic massage is essentially about pain relief and/or relaxation. Most legit massage providers go out of their way to stress this. So When a place advertises in such a way to imply a sensual or erotic experience, it's probably a massage parlor. Advertising 2 girls rubbing you down is obviously meant to titilate (pun fully intended). Legit places will actually go out of their way to let you know they are NOT a massage parlor too. So in a way, they're making the search easier for you!

Here's another way to think about it - would the advertisement appeal to your grandmother? We'll call it the "Grandma Test." Words and phrases that may interest your grandma include:


Essential Oils and Moisturizers
Hot Stones/Mud/Seaweed/etc.
References to male staff

On the flip side, here are some words and phrases that might not interest grandma, but may be of interest to her horny grandson...


24 Hour
Secure Parking
"European" or "Asian" staff
Health Spa
References to ALL female staff

"Accupressure" is the biggest crock-o-shit of all. It basically means pressure accurately applied to your dick. Any place that advertises an all European or Asian staff is definitely a massage parlor where the "European" and "Asian" merely refers to which mafia runs it.

Now "spa" can go either way. But when coupled with the word "health," it usually means parlor. And finally - any place that makes it a point of referring to their all female staff is probably a massage parlor. Look for things like "... let our girls take care of you..." etc. Like I said before, if it sounds sexy - it's probably not legit.

Here's another example... Recently a reader sent me a link to a massage provider and asked if it was legit. he was confused because it looked like they were trying too hard to claim they were. To me it was obvious in 2 seconds - they had men on their staff.

So that's your lesson for today. Any questions about specific locations, feel free to send me the link. Happy hunting!


Friday, March 26, 2010

The Coup

Trina and Cindy know about this blog, and even occasionally read it. Well this week they got a big kick over all the talk about me taking over The Business.

And I mean a REALLY big kick. In fact, it was all they talked about for a couple of days. Yeah - we've all had fantasies about ditching Audrey and doing our own thing. Hell, Cindy and I once talked about leaving everything behind for Vegas and becoming high-priced call girls.

Ahhhhhh... good times... good times.

Anyway, this time the idle chit-chat wasn't so idle. They both approached me and said they would back me 100% if I decided to jump ship and start up a new place. They didn't care much for this location and insisted we move across town to a more central spot with better access to the freeway.

Of course they would suggest that - it's MY money they're spending on this move. But they do have a point. In fact, it was Cindy of all people who pointed out that this would be the perfect time to start fresh because:

1) Commercial rents are cheap
2) Audrey has no interest in coming back
3) Recent parlor crackdown has other girls ready to join us
4) Half our competition has been shut down, so all their customers are free for the taking

And this was Cindy who had this sudden insight. The same Cindy who has trouble spelling her own name. The same Cindy that once insisted a sweater on sale for 50% off with a coupon for 50% off was 100% off. The same Cindy who thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. You get the picture.

Of course after Cindy made this intelligent and well thought out argument, I had to turn to Trina to verify I wasn't hearing things. "She's right you know" was all she had to add. This is the problem when you work with your friends - it's hard to just dismiss them.

So I caught myself the other day looking at the phone numbers of the 3 girls who recently applied for work here. They were all experienced erotic masseuses. They were ready for something new. Heck - a brand new Business with 6 girls ready to absorb the customers from FOUR other parlors plus all our current Regulars? Shit - that's tempting. I mean really really tempting.

And that's what's going through my mind this weekend. A LOT to think about.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Another One Bites The Dust

Well another AMP (Asian Massage Parlor) got taken down last week. No crackdown my ass (no pun intended). Anyway, I say good riddance. You guys out there know how I feel about the AMPs.

The bad thing is that our business took a dive after they got shut down, but that's typical. But by this weekend, everything should be back to normal. And the good thing is that with another competitor gone, we'll eventually see that bump of customers looking for a new place to call home.

But one thing I wasn't expecting to see was a bump in girls looking for work. Remember last week I mentioned that Audrey found someone to help out? Well ever since then, it's like we've had a "we're hiring" sign in our window. Of course it never rains but it pours.

What's interesting though is that I've since spoken with 3 girls FROM OTHER PARLORS. Turns out that with the recent crackdown, all the local full service places are scared shitless. These girls just wanted to lay low for a while and give the full service thing a rest until things blow over.

My guess is that things will finally blow over by the next election. Crackdowns almost always coincide with someone's political campaign. Ever notice how all the potholes on your street get fixed before election day?

Anyway, it's probably best that I'm not hiring anyone now. Full service girls sometimes have problems stepping down to hand-release only - especially when their Regulars start showing up from the old business. Old habits are hard to die.

As for us here at The Business, I actually had what you could call my first ever "Employee Meeting." In light of recent events, the 3 of us sat down the other day and went over ways we can protect ourselves from getting in trouble.

Meeting Agenda: Official Procedures For Offering A Happy Ending

Topics of Discussion:
1) Newbies - no options offered on 1st visit until further notice. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2) ALWAYS give the speech - "If there is any additional area of your body you wish to be massaged, please indicate by placing my hand there..."
3) No references to tipping on phone calls.
4) Conservative dress code re-established until further notice (Gawd - I'm starting to even sound like Audrey)

So we basically just went over everything we should be doing anyway to throw off anyone who's snooping around. The biggest thing we can do to protect ourselves really is to just be extra careful with the newbies. Anyone whatsoever who gives us a weird vibe will get therapeutic only - even after a 2nd or 3rd visit. We all know the drill and I trust Trina and Cindy to be well behaved for the time being. This isn't the first time The Business has gone into "Double Super Secret" mode.

So don't go expecting to see me on the 9 o'clock news with a towel thrown over my head as I'm being lead into a patrol car any time soon...........


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I swear I can't even see straight right now... WAAAAAAY over did last night. And in my inexperienced managerial role, I made the mistake of scheduling myself off yesterday, but on today. BIG mistake - should have done it the other way around. So instead of drinking all day followed by working all day, I should have drank all NIGHT followed by sleeping all day.

Is this the kind of stuff they teach you in business school?

Anyway, let me make this short so I can go back to drinking my 7up and eating my plain crackers...

Audrey told me to stop looking for a new girl because she thinks she found someone. At this point, I don't really care either way. I mean, I've been looking (kinda) but without much luck. But the last time Audrey brought in a "friend" it turned out to be her slutty younger sister. She was sooooo bad that she was offering full service within her first month with us.

It took A LOT of complaining before Audrey finally had the guts to fire her. I think it finally happened with Audrey realized her own customers were abandoning her for Slutty Sis.

Whatever. I don't care. I just work here, right?

Anyway - I hope you guys all had fun yesterday drinking green beer and singing songs.


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

HappyEndingz - Under New Management

Well yes and no. It's official and it's unofficial. Last night Audrey offered to sell me The Business.

It's really not that big of a deal - she's done it before. And each time I've taken it with a grain of salt. The only true difference this time is that she hasn't set foot in here in what - 2 months now? And as of our last talk, she's not planning on setting foot again anytime in the near future.

So what should I do THIS time? Business is crap. In fact, I've been seriously thinking of taking a friend up on her offer to bartend a couple nights a week. I've tended bar before, so I wouldn't mind doing it again. Heck - the pay would be more stable than around here (and easier on my left hand).

Audrey threw some numbers around and I kinda half listened. Like I've said - she's done this before. So here is a list of pros and cons that I need to consider this time around:

ProsRecently renovated
Easily converted to tanning salon
Already includes a tanning booth
Location (great for a massage parlor)
Run with 3 person staff

Location (bad for a tanning salon)
$$ to buy extra tanning booths
Not starting "fresh"

I've always wanted my own tanning salon, and somehow this wouldn't be the same. And Audrey is still delusional over what the worth of this place is. But if she came down in price, I would definitely reconsider. In this business, what you're paying for isn't just a couple of rooms and massage tables.

Since advertising is so hard to do and clientile are difficult to establish what you're paying for is the name and reputation. Our customers know that this business at this location provides happy endings. That's why massage parlors often start up at the exact same location of old parlors - reputation. It's like built in advertising. I could even pack up and move, but as long as I take the same name with me the customers will be able to find us (eventually). Sucks not being able to advertise like everyone else.

If I didn't want this place, I could start my own, but then I face the problem of trying to rebuild the customer base. You can't exactly open up the books and start calling customers at home ("Hello? Mrs. Johnson? Could you tell Harvey that Fantasia, Candy, and Paradise have moved and would love to see him at our new location in the K-mart plaza behind Joe's Welding Supply?").

While I had Audrey on the phone, we also talked about the fate of our competitor that got busted. Turns out she knows some history about the owners of that place and she was only surprised this didn't happen earlier.

So there you have it - the news is out there and I would really appreciate your input. I mean, I've been seriously thinking of my escape plan for a couple years now, and then this happens. It's like Karma keeps me tied to the massage table. Or am I just making excuses not to make the tough decision and just leave?

What do you guys think? You've been following this drama for a couple years now so you probably know as much about it as I do!


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Crackdown

One of the biggest topics of conversation around here lately is the recent crackdown on local parlors. At least we use the word "crackdown" but the local police chief denies it.

You see, it works like this... The local authorities really don't give a rats ass about the parlors around here. In fact, some of our nicest Regulars are local cops. And the town doesn't really care because we pay our taxes just like everyone else and we take up retail rental space that no one else wants.

Well last year the authorities raided a couple of the local Asian places because of concerns of human trafficking. Now for those of you "hobbyists" out there who still insist that there's no such thing, and all their girls are happy-go-lucky workers following time-honored Asian traditions of pleasing men - none of the girls were local. In fact, it turns out they were all trucked in from NYC and the Businesses were little more than fronts for the Asian mob. The girls were hauled off to jail and the parlors were shut down. Then a couple months later, the "Mama-san" of one of the places was found murdered.

Do I still need to convince you guys to buy American?

The place that was busted recently was not Asian, but employed all local girls. It's familiar to us, but none of us personally know any of the girls who were arrested; which is not unusual since there's a high turnover of girls in this business - especially in the full service places. That particular business is, for lack of a better word, a shithole. It's a dirty full service parlor and the girls there are known for being skanks.

We know this from the gossip we get from friends at other Businesses and customers who've been there. The guys have said that over the last year it went downhill and it was pretty much just sex only with no massage. And when a place turns from massage parlor to brothel, masseuses are replaced by drug addicts, dealers are setting up shop in the parking lots, crime goes up in the neighborhood, the locals finally complain, and BANG - you're busted.

You really have to be making waves before the cops are willing to put down the donuts long enough to do an investigation. So when 3 customers with cropped hair come in, take full sessions from 3 different girls, and then REFUSE their happy endings - it's time to clock out and not come back to work for a few days.

Oh - and that bullshit about a cop has to tell you he's a cop if you ask? That's pure Hollywood fiction. What they can't do is take the happy ending. Testifying in court how you let the "suspect" go down on you while undercover doesn't fly with too many cop-wives.

But it's not like we don't get hassled every now and then. Once in a while someone will call the cops and say they "suspect" something, and then a cruiser ends up parked in our front lot for 2 days. It slows down business for a bit, but then it all blows over and everything is back to normal in a few days.

The last time someone called the cops on us, it was a customer. He was one of those nuts that comes in and DEMANDS full service when he knows nothing about us. Well, Trina ended up throwing him out and he threatened to call the cops if we didn't service him.

We told him to go right ahead - and he did.

The local cops showed up and asked us what the problem was. He said he was reporting us for forcing ourselves on him - a good law-abiding citizen. We told them exactly what happened - this perv demanded full service and we said "no." The cops hauled him away in handcuffs for harassment.

Of course it helps when one of the guys who shows up is a friend of a friend. And I swear that Audrey knows every cop within a 3 town radius.

And that's my take on the "crackdown." Don't worry - I'm pretty sure we'll still be open tomorrow.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

Questions and Answers...

THIS is why I didn't want to say anything about a guy I'm dating. I was afraid I'd start getting a ton of crap and lots and lots of questions that I probably don't want to deal with. But I kinda knew I was opening a Pandora's box by finally mentioning him, so I'll be a big girl and try to respond with maturity.

First off, let me clarify some things regarding the Playboy interview. Apparently this damn show is more popular than I could have imagined. The guys in Jason's shop listen to Howard Stern in the mornings, followed by the Playboy show, and finally Bubba in the afternoons. He said he was working and had tuned out the show when he thought he heard my voice. He started paying attention and just thought it was funny that some girl on the radio kinda sounded like me. He later told me this story because he thought it was funny.

I did not.

After the interview, I had like 3 or 4 people ask if it was me (including 1 close friend and 1 customer). I had no clue ANYONE listened to this damn show. And that's why I made the decision then and there I couldn't do it anymore. They wanted me on the next week since my call was cut so short, but I had to tell them no. Which is a shame because I had fun and it would have gotten me lots of new readers. Believe me, it wasn't easy to drop it, but I was scared shitless for a couple of days until it all blew over.

Now another thing I want to point out is that he's not my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other but it's not to the point where we're using those kinds of terms yet. And when it does, I have no reason to confess anything to him since I've never confessed anything to anyone I've ever dated. Hell, I've lived with guys who had no idea what I really did for a living!

So don't expect any heart wrenching "confessions" from me to him any time soon. Of course if he were to discover the truth on his own - won't that make for a great story?

Now on to your questions...

Very few guys I've dated have known I'm a masseuse - and those that did just assumed I was therapeutic. And no, I don't avoid HJ's or try to give more - it's pretty much just whatever fits for us at the time. And none of them have ever said to me "Gee... you're so good at that you should do it for a living!"

Have I ever met a friend of a friend who was a customer? Believe it or not, that had never happened. I have run into customers while out at the bar, and most of the time they just ignore me, or slink quietly away. I think they're definitely more nervous to be around me than I around them.

As for VD... If a guy looks particularly dirty to me, I'll usually just tell him therapeutic only.

Newbie question... It's not inappropriate to ask for glutes. Shit - I'm supposed to massage your dick at the end, so glutes are fine. Not requested often. In fact, if a customer wants some serious body work, all you have to do is ask. Truckers in particular have special requests regarding lower back and legs, and I do my best to help them out.

G-Dragon... We have strict rules about age at the Business. 21 and over. Catering to younger guys is just trouble, so it's not worth it.

And finally, to all of you wondering if I'll ever come clean to Jason. Who knows? But from my experience - it always ends badly.


Monday, March 1, 2010

Happy VD

You know I don't like talking about my personal life, but recently it crossed over to my business life. I didn't want to say anything, but it's been festering away for a couple weeks now so I feel like I need to tell someone about it.

As you don't know, I've been seeing a guy on and off for a couple months now. He's the one I mentioned earlier who actually recognized my voice from the Playboy interview. I didn't want to do this and I've been dreading it but here goes... I'm going to give him a name (*GASP*). Let's call him "Jason."

I just got a shiver as I typed that. It's like I'm making it official by actually naming him here on the blog. Wow.

Anway, about a month ago, "Jason" started asking me questions about work. At first I was able to deflect them easily ("I'm a shampooist"... Honestly - where do you go from there?), but then he started to get more persistent. I figured he was trying to dig up enough info to send me flowers for Valentines Day - or worse - surprise me at work!

I kept throwing road blocks at him like "I'm not working that day" and "don't embarass me like that" but I knew I wasn't getting through to him. I could have told Jason I don't like flowers, but he already knows that's a lie. I could have told him I don't like lunch, but he REALLY knows that's a lie. So here he is, trying to combine the 2 in the worst possible way.

I know he meant well, but it was really starting to piss me off the closer it got to VD. It finally got to the point where the Thursday before, I actually picked a fight with him just to make an excuse to avoid him for a few days. I figured this would give me a window big enough to prevent him from arranging any flower deliveries or surprise lunches. THEN I made up with him Sunday morning (since I wasn't working) and INSISTED we go out. This way, he still gets to feel like he did some romantic stuff for Valentines Day, and The Business is removed from the equation. Situation difused. Go me!

Well once again, my lack of understanding of the male mind has gotten me in trouble again. I figured seeing Jason on VD had ended the issue of where I work. Boy was I wrong. Apparently, my little hissy fit only made him even more determined to surprise me.

What is it with guys and surprises???? Scaring the shit outta me at work is not going to make lunch taste any sweeter. He knows I work Thursday morning shift, so the devious little shit made it a point to call my cell phone at noon to verify I was there. I think I said something stupid like "yeah... it's dead here... think I'll take my break soon..." Well guess who's ringing the bell a few minutes later?

My cousin "Agnes" turned out to be the weakest link. I guess he managed to sweet talk her into giving up directions on where to find me. He wasn't given the name of The Business, so this may have worked out to my advantage. Don't get me wrong - I still plan on murdering Agnes and disposing of the body using an elaborate scheme of 10 dozen hermetically sealed mayonaise jars, BUT I credit her with only giving out enough info to direct him to our door.

By the way he came in he wouldn't have seen our sign up front and realized it's not "...... Hair and Nails" like I've told him a hundred times. And from where he parked (and waited) he wouldn't have seen a line of men coming in and out of our front door. Luckily he was directed to the back entrance where there's nothing to see.

My jaw dropped when I saw Jason standing outside with that dumb smile of his. Having gone through this situation before, I immediately went into crisis mode and whisked him back to his car before any of our "nooners" came in looking for a quick session. I made an excuse of not wanting the boss to see him so I could spend "more time" at lunch. The real reason of course is what hair and nails salon only employs 1 woman and has no actual appliances for doing hair and nails? So I couldn't possibly let him in the front door. I literally jumped in the car and barked "Let's go!"

I think we were pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant before I realized I was sitting on a bouquet of flowers.

I wolfed my food down and kept the conversation focused on him. Then I made sure he brought me round back so he wouldn't see the front door. I told Jason I had a lovely lunch, but please never ever do that again. And unlike all my other stories, there was no happy ending to this one - I think I shook his hand.

So what did we learn today boys and girls?

Bring me pizza = handjob
Surprise me at work = handshake

Meanwhile, I have asked Agnes to meet me tomorrow night behind an abandoned gas station. And to "... bring a shovel."