Thursday, August 27, 2009

So you wanna be an Erotic Masseuse?

I've gotten a number of letters recently from girls interested in becoming Erotic Massage Therapists. There's no easy answer to that, and I'm not going to pretend that this line of work is for everyone. So for those of you out there who are considering a job as an erotic masseuse - here are my thoughts on the subject.

Let me start off by saying that I actually like my job. The hours are decent and the work isn't that hard. And for all the time I spend bitching about my co-workers and boss, I really like them (more or less). And the pay goes from Bad to Incredible, depending on the economy.

With that said there are a number of issues you have to consider before taking the leap into the exotic world of the massage parlor.

Sex Work
The biggest issue to consider is whether you're comfortable with the whole "sex" part of the work. Personally, I don't consider anything I do as actual sex, so I don't have any ethical dilemmas with it. I have my own definitions, I draw my own lines and I'm always ready to say "No" to anything I'm not comfortable with - so I'm quite OK with what I do in session.

What it all boils down to is - are you OK with giving a handjob to a guy you just met? That is the fundamental point of the erotic massage. If the answer is "yes" then you can read on, but if not then don't try it to "make a few bucks." You'll make a lousy masseuse and you'll hate yourself for even doing it in the first place. And whatever money you do make you'll end up spending on therapy in a few years. Leave it to the pros.

Guilt and Stigma

Unfortunately, this job can come with a lot of both - depending on how much you bring with you. I had issues of guilt at first, but since I've established my own boundaries I'm totally cool with it. The stigma is still there, so that's why I just tell people I'm a shampooer. I just love that word "shampooer" and I don't know why. It sounds boring and exotic at the same time I think.

Anyway, be prepared to keep your mouth shut about what you do for a living. If you have a boyfriend then be prepared to keep your personal and your business lives separate. I've had an easy time at doing that since most guys really don't care where I disappear to for 8 hours a day.

Just Say "No"
If you're OK with giving handjobs, that's fine and dandy. But one day you're gonna be asked to do more, so you have to be prepared to answer that question when it finally comes. I'm not going to judge you if you're interested in a full service place - that's your business. But you have to mentally prepare yourself to be submerged into an environment of groping guys and unpleasant requests.

Set your boundaries and stick with them no matter what. Believe me - it will help you go home with a clear conscious every day.

Location Location Location
Do some research on the places you want to work at. Talk to the girls - not just the boss. Things to find out are:

Is this place HJ only?
How are you paid?
# of customers per week?

If you only plan on doing HJ's, then stay away from full service places. I did that for a short while and the pay was lousy since I was basically getting the leftover cheap ass customers that the other girls didn't want.

Stay away from places that take a cut of your tips. What you do in that room to earn your money is your own business. Bosses that take a cut basically turn into "pimps" who are constantly accusing you of taking "their" money. These kinds of places also encourage you to do things you're not comfortable with because it's money in their pocket.

Stick with places that take their money at the door. Also find out how you're compensated for therapeutic customers. They usually don't tip, but require the most actual massage work.

And finally, make sure the place is doing decent enough business and whether you'll get some of the "gravy" shifts. At The Business, we rotate through the best shifts (Friday-day and Saturday-night) so we can all get some of the gravy. Tuesday mornings are DEAD.

Stay away from places run by men. I can't repeat that enough. At every single place around here that I know of, male owners are usually slimy, disgusting guys who harass the girls. Sure - during the interview they'll be all nice to you, but once you start making some money, they'll start demanding their "piece" if you want to keep your job. Female bosses will only try to screw you on money - at least you know where you stand with them.

Once again I'm making a generalization, but this is why it's so important to actually talk to some of the girls who work there first.

Work Work

And lastly - this is a real job just like any other. 95% of your time will be spent MASSAGING. If all you're capable of is a decent "girlfriend" quality massage, then you'll be fine. But if you're not even good at that, then please don't work in a parlor. I don't know how many times I've heard a customer complain (or even lost a customer) because they had a bad experience with some girl who poked at his shoulders for a few minutes before grabbing his dick and sending him home WELL before the session was over.

And just like any other job, you'll be expected to be on time, put in a full day's work and help clean up around the place. A parlor is not the kind of place where you can just show up, jerk a few dicks and pocket a couple hundred bucks before you go clubbing. If you're interested in free lance work, consider a career in street walking.

As for The Business, we just hired a new girl to help us out now that things are picking up. Funny - she's a college student so I'm sure there will be some interesting things to tell about her later.

Good luck girls!!!!


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Peer Pressure

OK guys, you nagged me enough so I decided to give in. Well, not so much give in as finally get off my ass and come up with some new pics. So now up in "About Me" part of the screen is my new profile.

For now.

To make this more fun (for me) I've decided to do for a limited time only a "pic of the week." What I'll do is post a new pic as my profile and I'll keep it up for a week or 2 (or 7) before moving on to the next one.

I went to Velma and asked her to edit (heavily) some of my old internet pics that I used back when I was trolling for a Sugar Daddy, plus the now infamous "Drunken Titty Fighting" photo shoot. I told her to do whatever she could to hide me, but still make them fun to look at. Remember - these are pics that very few people have ever seen (except for all those 12 year old boys pretending to be rich business men on the internet).

I'm starting with this one that's innocent enough. Then I'll work my way through a couple more pics and end with the "Titty Fight." Then it'll probably be back to the green T-shirt. I love that pic!

And for those of you who still don't believe me... you can search all you want. I promise you won't find it there.


Friday, August 21, 2009


I really don't know what to say to you guys today. I had a whole thing I was gonna talk about yesterday, but I started to feel guilty about what I said the other day about bringing up the pictures.

I swear to Gawd that I didn't mean to lead you guys on and just thought it was a funny story about how I can't even come up with a simple picture suitable for the internet. Then you guys started to tease me about how it must be a joke or just another story.

Well I went through the pics on my phone today and took the first look at them in months. I'm sorry guys, but I am waaaaay to embarassed to put that shit up on my blog for the world to see. It's bad enough that some of you guys are still trying to find The Business, but topless pics of myself just kinda freak me out.

However, as a consolation there are the old pics I once used in my old Internet/Sugardaddy days. I'm going to give them to Velma the Techno-Nerd to see what she can do. These are much more innocent and I wouldn't mind seeing Britney Spears head attached to my body

Have a good weekend!


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Poll Results So Far

First of all I would like to say Thanks to everyone who dropped by and said "Hi." Now I have a much better idea of who reads this crap and why.

Well it looks like the boys still outnumber the girls exactly 2 to 1. That's kinda funny considering it was the same a year ago. Oh well.

Now what you guys would like to see more of is interesting. To sum things up, the girls would like more stories and "secrets" while the boys want pictures. Well girls, you're in luck because secrets and stories are easy. Boys - it's tough to deliver because you know I guard my privacy.

I know this is gonna sound totally made up, but it's the Gawd's honest truth. I actually tried to come up with a new profile pic about 3 or 4 months ago. Remember what I said before about girls and cameras and alcohol don't mix?

Well Cindy and I went over to Trina's after work to have a few drinks. The subject of the blog came up and after a couple of beers I asked the girls to help me come up with a suitably anonymous picture. I tried a few poses wearing dark glasses, then Cindy and Trina wanted to pose with sunglasses too. To make a long story short, after SEVERAL more beers and a few dares, tops came off, breasts were everywhere, and Cindy and I even ended up having a "Titty Fight."

Needless to say, we all agreed the next day that NONE of the pics were suitable for publication. Sorry guys!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Never EVER Tell A Lie - Unless It's Absolutely Convenient

Since we're on the subject of lying, I thought I'd talk about some of the more common ones I use on a regular basis. Yes, CJ is not as pure and innocent as I portray myself. I believe that little white lies are a form of social "lubricant" that just keeps things moving along smoothly.

As you all know by now, my favorite little white lie is telling people I'm a shampooer (there's that word again!). It's the perfect lie for the question of "So what do you do?" Let's face it - 9 times out of 10 that question is meaningless and is used by guys in bars to buy an extra minute of staring at my shirt. When I respond with "shampooer" their eyes kinda glaze over and I'll get a polite "uh huh." NO ONE has ever asked me what that's like and whether I enjoy it or not - EVER.

My next little white lie I use at work is "I'm single." In fact, it's not so much a lie as it is part of the script that all of us follow in this business:

Erotic Massage Rule #7 - ALWAYS make the customer think that you're available.

It plays into the whole seduction fantasy that most guys have. Most customers (especially newbies) do not want to hear the honest truth about our boyfriends/husbands/baby-daddies. They want stories of how we're on the prowl and looking for "Mr. Right." If guys think they even have a tiny microscopic bit of chance with us, they're more attentive and easier to arouse.

One of my favorite variations of the "I'm single" lie is "I just broke up with my boyfriend." It's like taking the "I'm single" line and bathing it in vulnerability. And if you say it with a little sigh at the end, you can add a tiny hint of desperation. It's almost guaranteed to increase your tips!

I was debating whether to include "I'd love to see you again" as one of my favorite lines. Usually it means, "I'd love to see your wallet again" but when I thought about it I realized it's my way of saying "Thank you for not being an asshole." So when I say it, I really would like you to come back.

Now the most common thing I say at work that's usually a total lie is "No, that's fine." It's a sort of coverall for all kinds of things that are offensive or problematic.

For example, I may say "No, that's fine" when a customer apoligizes for farting or something. But to give you an example of how often I rely on this particular white lie, here is a list of the times I'll use it:

Premature ejaculation
Body odor
Limp dick
Cleanliness, etc.

I mean, when it's bad I'll say something but for the most part I'll just say "it's fine" if it'll keep the session going and hurry things up. Meanwhile, I'm saying to myself "You pig!!"

And those are the most common lies I use on a regular basis. But I don't use them all the time. With Regulars who I get to know and trust I'll tell it like it is. Some guys really do want to hear about the boyfriends, or whether they should jump in the shower before we begin.

I've learned over the years to be REALLY REALLY careful about who I can reveal a boyfriend to. A couple of times, I've opened up to customers about my real social life - only to discover later that they used the info to stalk me. Ugh... the stories I could tell you. But that's for another time.

Still trust me? No? It's fine.

(Look! Another lie right there!)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Girls Are All Lying Liars

I am fucking pissed right now. Every one of these fucking bitches I work with is a lying piece of shit.

Or as I will refer to her from now on - Queen Lying Mega Bitch. Anyway, the other day she was going on and on about how she wasn't making any money and the rent was due and she had no cash for lunch and blah blah blah.

Being the gold hearted saint that I am, I passed a couple customers her way (a newbie and a Regular who didn't mind getting pawned off). She makes an extra $250 that day, which basically means I lost $250. Not a big deal since we're all friends here and business has been decent.

Well this morning I get a phone call from Trina. "Hey CJ! Guess what? I'm calling you from my new iPhone!"

My jaw dropped. I was like "What the fuck!? I thought you were broke and had to pay rent!" Let me tell ya - we got into it right then and there. It was so bad that I ended up calling her a bitch and hanging up on her. She's called back a couple of times so far, but I've just let it kick to voicemail. Fuck her. I'm still mad. Partly because she now has an iPhone and I don't.

Then there's the retarded liar Cindy. We went out shoe shopping the other day and she got a bunch of good stuff for herself. When it was time to go home, she asked if I could carry the bags in and claim that these were all b-day gifts for her. When I asked why, she said she doesn't want her baby-daddy to know she has money to spend on shoes.

That got me going. The jobless pothead just sits around the house all day playing Xbox. What she does with her money is none of his Gawd-darn business - and I told her so. We argued about it the entire way home, but in the end I just carried the bags in and didn't say anything. I was still angry so I didn't say two words to him while I was there.

And last there's Lying McBitchmaster. Once again, she's started up with the whole "I'm shutting this place down" crap. Last time it happened I was concerned because the landlord was involved. This time it's because of her new boyfriend.

This shit happens EVERY time she dates a customer. They met her on the job. They fucked her on the job. And then after 2 dates, they're all like "You need to close that place..." and "You're better than this..." Happens every fucking time. At first I used to panic that I needed to find a new job. Now I just get pissy when she pulls that shit. Then she lies about it and says "I'm not seeing anyone..." and "It's all my idea..."

At least with guys the lies are more obvious like "My name is John Smith..." or "I'm not married..." But a woman can lie to your face one minute then tell you the Gawd-awful truth the next - and expect you to be forgiving.

OK enough bitching for today! I feel better now.


Friday, August 7, 2009

Living A Lie

I got a comment the other week that's really been annoying me. The guy who left it thinks it's sad that only 4 people in the whole world know what I do for a living and it's a shame I can't "share" with everyone.

I have since spoken with the commentor and he explained himself better, but still, I don't see the shame in any of it. I mean, all my family and friends already know that I'm a massage therapist. So what more is there to say? I spend 90 percent of my work day massaging tired, aching muscles, and only 10 percent massaging something else. How does "confessing" that extra 10% to eveyone improve my quality of life?

Does my mother need to know how I spend every second of my work day?

MOM: "So how was your day at work dear?"
ME: "Business is slow and Audrey wants us all to help paint the front lobby, but apart from that it was fine."

Isn't that basically what we all do at the end of our day? So what's the point of adding a few gory details:

MOM: "So how was your day at work dear?"
ME: "Business is slow and I got a wad of cum in my hair, but apart from that it was fine."

No one wants to hear that shit. That's what all you guys out there on the internet are for! I think it's great that I only have to worry about 4 people in my Inner Circle to say anything "compromising." And for the rest of them who think I do massages in a bikini - that's fine by me cause it's exactly what I want them to think.

And after all these years, I'm just tired of dealing with peoples reactions to what I do. Once they know about the handjob part, I'm immediately labled a prostitute, whore, skank, Ho, etc. And I thought it was hard convincing you guys out there that handjobs are where I draw the line (I think some of you guys still don't believe me). You try explaining that to a dimwitted cousin who you know will tell the entire family "Guess what! CJ's a hooker!!!"

Now when you really think about it, how many people outside of your work really truly understand what you do for a living? Do they even care? I have this 1 customer that travels all over the world doing something with electricity and satelites or something. NO ONE knows what the fuck he does - not even his wife.

So don't worry about my little circle of friends. You can't talk shop all of the time, and why would you want to?


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Boys Vote Here

Hey Guys,

Just say something (or nothing) in the comments section so I can add these up later.

Please feel free to leave any questions or comments. Last year the boys outnumbered the girls 2 to 1. So be sure to vote!


Girls Vote Here

Hey Girls,

Here's how it works... Just go in the comments section and say "hi." In fact, you don't have to say anything - just leave something that I can count.

Feel free to leave any comments or questions while you're at it. And don't leave more than 1 comment!


2009 Readers Poll (not pole you perverts)

It's been a year since my last poll, so I thought I'd do it again. Last year it looked like the ratio of boys to girls out there was 2 to 1. I'm really curious if it's changed any so here it goes...

I have 2 posts up - one for boys and one for girls. All you have to do is just say "hi" in the comments. I will leave these posts open for a couple weeks, then add up the results.

But this time, I'd also like to know what you guys are interested in hearing me talk about. Do you want more parlor "secrets?" Funny stories? Sexy stories? Personal life crap? Freaks of the Week? Let me know. I aim to please.

In particular I'm fascinated with stories on how people find this blog, so please feel free to share. "I was doing research for my doctoral thesis on the socio-political ramifications of the use of sexual surrogates in expanding agrarian societies when I just happened to find a link to your page and..."

Yeah right.