Wednesday, April 30, 2008

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor

Come on in and use your Stimulus Package for Package Stimulus!

Get it???

Damn - I shoulda gone into advertising.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Good Riddance Luna

Hey guys – it’s been another weird week. I was gonna talk about an extra special Freak of the Week, but the big news instead is that Luna got fired. It was just a matter of time. We’ve all suspected her of stealing from each of us plus the business, but Audrey actually caught her stealing from the cashbox last week. I don’t feel too bad about seeing her go since I also had money missing from my purse recently.

Still, it’s a shame since I’ve been working with her for half a year now and she was struggling to pay her bills just like the rest of us. But stealing from your co-workers is really not cool.

The good news is that business in general is finally starting to pick up. I can’t explain why, but we’ve been getting a lot of new customers lately. That’s fine by me since it gives me a chance to gain a new Regular. Plus, new customers tend to be more free with their money since they don’t know what to expect yet.

Now one of the interesting things about Luna being gone is that we’re starting to realize just how many Regulars she had. Boy – she was a lot more popular than we thought! I wouldn’t be surprised if she was letting guys do stuff to her in the room (I mean – she is an ex-hooker you know). Times have been tough, and you gotta do what you gotta do. Heck – even Trina has started letting guys finger her for $100. Ewwwwwww.

Apparently, Trina has started offering the option to finger her to new customers. The way she explained it to me was that new customers were safer than Regulars, because chances are you’re never going to see them again; whereas Regulars can’t be trusted with a secret, and it’ll get back to Audrey pretty quick. I can see where she’s coming from because I’ve gotten some of my best dirt from Audrey’s Regulars. But I warned Trina that if a new customer comes back, there’s a good chance he’ll mention the fingering option to the next girl he gets. Oh well.

Yours truly has not yet resorted to letting guys finger me. I’ve had to tighten my belt too, but lately I’ve been letting my ex-boyfriend from Jr. High School spend money on me! But that’s another story for later…

Audrey is also starting to feel the impact of Luna. Just this past week, she’s been getting these guys who come in and ask for Luna. Then as Audrey explains that Luna’s no longer with us, but she’s available – they just turn around and walk out! Now she knows how we all feel when her skanky Regulars come in looking for Full-Service. Sucks, doesn’t it bitch?

Now in memory of Luna, I will leave you all with one of my favorite Luna stories…

Luna was a big fan of the (as I like to call it) Slutty MILF look. Just imagine a bleach blonde girl with the big hair and heavy eye makeup of the 80’s – now age her 30 years. That’s Luna. We all agreed that the giant hairdo of hers wasn’t doing her any favors. So anyways – one day she wraps up a session with one of her Regulars and comes out of the room. She goes back and washes her hands in the kitchen sink, then walks into the break room. Let me point out that the session rooms are always kept dark, but it’s nice and bright where we are. Well, she starts talking about something or other, when we notice something shining on the top of her tall hairdo. Trina kicks my foot and motions for me to look at her hair.

On top of that fluffy, hairsprayed, blonde mess, there was a gob of semen – about an inch long – hanging from her topmost strands of hair. And it’s just waving and flapping and jiggling with every jerk of her head! And the best part is she can’t see it because her hair was soooooo tall, that it was completely out of her line of sight. So we’re just sitting there staring at her hair. I’m sure she was saying something important, but we were both completely mesmerized by that shining string of jizz. Even now, I’m shocked that she didn’t notice the dumb stares on our faces.

Well, being the loving, caring people that we are, Trina and I didn’t say a word and just nodded and agreed with whatever she was saying. I don’t remember if she had any more customers that day, but we kept our mouths shut and didn’t have a real good laugh until after she went home. For all I know, she could have gone out grocery shopping with that little token of love dangling for all to see.

I know I’m going to Hell for that one, but it was sooooooo worth it.


Friday, April 25, 2008

Stalker Stevie - Follow Up

OK – I got a bunch of responses on this, so I thought this topic deserved another post of its own. It’s been about a week since I got the original scary text message. Nothing since then. So let me tell you what’s been going on.

I talked to a bunch of people about what I should do. Audrey wants absolutely nothing to do with the police, so she’s against a restraining order or even a police report. I know it seems selfish, but I can see where she’s coming from. But, I know she can’t relate since she’s never had a stalker (knowing her - she’s probably jealous that I have one). I have to admit that I’m reluctant to go to the police, but for different reasons. The last thing I want is for Stalker Stevie (or anyone else in the legal system) to know my last name. It’s bad enough that he knows my phone number.

The next option was to block his calls. However, Stevie has long since stopped using his own cell phone. Creepy phone calls have all been from 1-800 numbers, and sicko text messages have been from a computer.

My current option is to just ignore them. At least his messages have been less and less frequent. I figure if I ignore him long enough, he’ll just assume I changed my number. I should call the Other Business and see if they’ve seen him lately. Yeah – he’s been going over there ever since he got banned by us over a year ago. I wonder if his calls/texts to me just happen to coincide with his visits there? Hmmmmmmmmm… I must investigate.

Now my final option is revenge, pure and simple. I know he lives with his parents, and I’ve fantasized about going over there when he’s not home and telling his parents all about their loser, drug addicted son who picks on poor innocent girls like me. Another option is a guy I know called “Cage.” That’s Trina’s psycho ex-boyfriend. This guy was like totally mental, but he had a sweet spot for me. He was never mean to Trina, but anyone else who got in his way – watch out. The only reason they broke up in the first place was because Cage went to jail. But he’s back out now and I see him around. Maybe I’ll give him a call this weekend… LOL

So does it sound like I’m taking this lightly? Yes and no. That last message freaked me out at first, but then again, this has been happening on and off for almost 2 years now. Plus, Stevie isn’t known for anything violent (yet). The girls at the Other Business said he’s been relatively normal over there.

But it does affect me to the point that I won’t take shit from anyone. For example…

Just this past week, we had this guy come in while I was working the front desk. A mousey looking guy with a big old mole on the side of his left cheek. Anyways, he comes in and asks what our prices are. I explain our prices/times and that “tipping is optional.”

“So what do I get for tipping?” Either he’s stupid or a cop. Or maybe a combo of the two.

I played dumb. “If you’re happy with the service, then tips are welcome.”

“Yes, but what do I GET for tipping?” he tries again, but this time with a serious look on his face.

Does he really think I’m going to explain our options at the front desk? Is he soooooo cheap that he wants to know up front what his generous $20 bill is going to get him? I’ve had a bad week. I’ve been hassled by a psycho stalker. Business has been lousy. But I am NOT going to let this asshole get me to solicit myself like some cheap hooker!

“You’ll get my undying gratitude sir” I say with a smirk.

Bingo – now he looks irritated. “Look, how much extra do I have to pay inside the room?” he says with a little strain in his voice.

I grin like an idiot at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about sir.”

“Is there anyone else here?”

“No sir.” Grin. Grin.

That seemed to do it for him. He made a sort of sucking sound through his teeth, turned around and walked out. I started laughing out loud as I made my way to the back to tell Trina what just happened. She got a kick out of it.

But here’s the real funny part of the story... The very next day, the same guy came back in while Trina was working. He asked “Is the blonde girl working here today?”

People are strange.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Stalker Stevie

This has been the worst week ever. Business is bad. I found out that Jackass (my soon to be ex-boyfriend) has been calling his ex-girlfriend. I got a parking ticket. My boyfriend from JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL has come out of nowhere. I think Luna stole from me. I've been drinking way too much. I caught Audrey stealing another customer from me. And to make matters worse, Stalker Stevie is back. And they say bad things happen in 3's.

Stalker Stevie was just Regular Stevie for a while. He was just a normal customer who used to come in on his payday about once a month. Nothing special, just took the topless option most of the time, never asked for anything inappropriate. Conversation was normally about his work as an electrician.

Then one day I left my cell phone in the room.

During session, something came up and I had to leave the room for a few minutes. Apparently, Stevie saw my phone, called himself, then somehow erased it from the call log (or maybe I just didn't notice). Anyway, about a week later I get this phone call. Now I've given my cell number to customers before, but it's usually WAY after I've felt comfortable around them. All these years in the business have really hardened me to trusting people, and you can see why.

So he calls up... "How ya doin'? It's Steve! It's so nice to talk to you outside of work. We should get together... blah blah blah..." At first I was confused since I didn't think I had ever given him my number. I asked him, and he said he got it from one of my co-workers from the old days. Sounded credible enough since I worked with some really stupid girls back then. I tried not to get mad at him since he was a regular, and he seemed normal enough.

The first call was OK I guess. Then they just started to get weird...

Did I mention that I live with my parents?
Yeah, I got a coke problem
Whatcha doin' after work tonight?
I owe this guy money and I swear he's been following me

Then he started with the text messages...

y wont u call me?
I luv u
ur a bitch
i saw u 2day @ ur house
is that ur boyfriend?

Needless to say, he stopped coming by the business about the same time the calls got weird.  And I started noticing his work truck more and more. It would be parked across the street, it would cruise by my house, etc. I can honestly say I never encouraged the guy. Two Christmases ago during one of his last visits, he gave me some cheap ass jewelry. I didn't even thank him since he was getting weird in session too. Ugh.

Finally about 6 months after the calls started, I actually picked up the phone and started yelling at him to leave me alone. He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. Why can't we be friends? Can I see you to apologize? Blah Blah Blah... I got rid of him on the phone and the calls stopped for a couple months.

Then the hang ups started. You know how you can tell it's a certain person just by the circumstances? Well, I was positive it was him. Then the text messages started again, and usually at weird hours of the night...

dont u dare send over ur bitches 2 get me. i will fuk them up.
u thought I didnt see u but i know u ben following me.
i will tell ur boyfriend everything and call police on u.

I think he only sends these messages when he's high. Well, that last one about telling my boyfriend and the police shook me up at the time, so I called up a friend of mine who's a cop. He called this guy up from the police station and gave him a line about how a complaint has been filed and we're monitoring your calls, etc. A bunch of stuff just to scare Stevie off.

That seemed to have worked for about 6 months or so, but now I got another sicko message this week.

i c u got a new car.

THAT really scared the crap out of me. I haven't seen his truck in almost a year! I told Audrey about the message, but she said she hasn't seen the truck either. Now I don't know what to do. Should I ignore it? Should I call my cop buddy again? Should I call and yell at him again? Audrey suggested I change my number, but I've had this number for a while now and I don't really want to give it up.

If any of you guys out there know how I can just block his text messages, let me know.


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q&A 2

Hey guys!

Time t
o answer some of your questions out here in the blog since I've gotten some good ones recently. Keep 'em coming... This is sometimes easier than trying to remember a weird customer.

Is someone with your technique and performance the norm or the exception?

A girl with my background (licensed massage therapist) isn't unusual for the "massage parlor" setting - an established, low key, NON full-service business. Heck - 2 of my co-workers are licensed. But we're hardly the rule. I have to say that this work also attracts lots of druggies, ex-hookers, and other girls looking for quick money. Their massages will be the kind a girlfriend would give you - not therapeutic but pleasant enough. As for their options - I can't speak for anyone else. Some girls won't let you touch their asses, while others might include a breast release at no extra cost. And lastly - independent contractors that I've known (the kind that work out of their own home or office) have tended to be real masseuses. If you a want a guaranteed quality experience - that's probably the safest bet.

Now if you want something exotic - try 1 of the Asian places. I heard that if you go there for a "therapeutic" you'll get one of those real shiatsu massages. I'm talking about the hard massage followed by the soft tissue, with back slapping, hot stones and even the walking-on-the-back thing! The secret is that they keep a real pro on staff for the "newbies" and therapeutics. And another note about the Asian places you should know - sometimes they don't offer options up front. Instead, they may do the whole table shower, sauna, massage thing first. Then during the last 15 minutes of your appointment, they'll offer options. But unlike us, their options or HJ, BJ and fucking; while ours are topless, G-string and nude.

You wanna know where you won't find ANY real masseuses?... At sleazy full-service places - which are typically run by druggies and real hookers! LOL. But this doesn't mean you won't get a massage... on the contrary. Even though you've paid for sex, these girls will try to burn up your time with a cheesy little backrub so the actual sex part is as short as possible.

Now don't be scared about visiting a real massage parlor after these little stories I've just told. One of the reasons I want to share this info and answer questions is because I want people other than customers to know what we're all about. Besides - at the very least you'll get a happy ending! If you're apprehensive, just look for a place that appears relatively clean - that says a lot about the attitude of their girls and how they run their business.
But if you do decide to visit a place and the girls look nasty and the place is dirty - just leave. The point of all this nonsense is to spend an hour getting pampered, so if you feel uncomfortable it's the wrong place for you.

Have you ever made house calls? Is that abnormal for this business?

There are services that will do house calls, but 9 times out of 10, they are escort agencies (especially if they advertise something called "outcall" service). Don't expect a massage. At The Business, Audrey has a "No House Calls" rule since it smacks too much of escort service. But privately, I have done house calls for my Sugar Daddies only since I can trust them to keep it a secret and they know I'm not full service. I will not do house calls with Regulars since they almost always expect full service outside the business. This is because a lot of girls switch to full service during house calls - less trouble for the business and more $$ in their pocket.

Hope that keeps you happy for now! And keep asking those questions!


Mixing Business and Pleasure

Someone asked the question on whether this job impacts my personal sex life and vice versa. Well, I started thinking about the answer to this question a couple days ago and realized it’s tough to answer when you haven’t gotten it in over 2 weeks.

Yes – the Jackass and I are fighting again. And this time, I swear, it’s not even my fault. Tom was always a prick I guess. Very inattentive, but nice to look at. I don’t know what it is – I just seem to be drawn to that type. They say that nice guys finish last, and in my case that’s true. Give me a bad boy who treats me like shit and I’m in love.

So if I skip back in time to before the Jackass, I kinda recall having a sex life. So I’ll start from there…

I think I can honestly say that most of the things I’ve learned off the clock, I use on the clock. And only a few things I’ve learned on the clock, I use off the clock. Make any sense?

For example, the only thing I’ve learned after 10 years of erotic massage that I use with boyfriends is knowing when they’re about to cum. I can read a guy like a book to see how he’s doing. But that’s about it. I’m not full service so the only real technique I practice on a regular basis is the hand release. And in those cases where I’m NOT using MY hand (i.e. breast release, butt release, foot fetish, etc.), the customer is pretty much doing all the work for me. So as you can see – not a whole lot to learn on the job.

As for my coveted, money-making hand release - I only rely on it in my personal life when I'm feeling lazy, or when I'm trying to avoid oral. I'm not a big fan of the BJ, so I'll try to worm my way out of it with a healthy HJ every now and then. Someone asked me if I get tired of dicks since I work with them all day (pun intended). Let me put it to you this way - I love getting laid, and I certainly ain't getting laid at work!

Come to think of it - I ain't getting laid at home either. LOL

The masseuse in me gets to practice her craft every now and then. Believe it or not – boyfriends rarely bug me for massages, and I don’t offer them too freely (most guys think I'm just a shampooer). The jackass was an exception (notice how I use the past tense?). He works out with weights, so oftentimes I’d give him a sports massage (I did go to massage school and get my license – remember?). Off the clock, I actually give more massages away to friends and co-workers. When things are slow at work, we’ll occasionally do a therapeutic for each other.

Now on the job, I use techniques I’ve learned from my personal life. For example, I knew how to give a wicked hand job way before I started working in the business. I started my sinful ways with my first boyfriend back in high school. I learned how to give him hand jobs before we started having sex, so my patented double-handed crisscross technique was mastered well before it was considered a job skill. I guess another thing I bring to work is the dirty talk. It was my 2nd or 3rd boyfriend who got me into that. And the titty-fucking you ask? I had already done that a couple times before I ever got paid to do one.

However, just because I don’t use work skills in my personal life, doesn’t mean that I haven’t learned a thing or two. Funny thing about erotic massage – since we don’t offer sex, we tend to attract the fetish people. At a full service place, you’re paying for the sex – but if your kink doesn’t involve actual sex (i.e. cross dressing, ball busting, breast worship, etc.) then a massage parlor seems the better (and cheaper) alternative.

Now if I were to ever date a guy who was curious about foot worship… he’d probably wonder how I knew the proper way to wrap a pair of thigh-highs around his prick. But in the near future, I really don’t expect to be bringing any of my work home with me.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

Happy Endings - Or The Art of Closing the Deal

Hey guys!

I've been getting some interesting comments on the subject of Limp Dick in young guys. It looks like most of you believe it’s between meds/drugs and performance anxiety. Thank God none of you thought it was my fault!

Honestly, I couldn’t say one way or another what the reasons are. I mean, I’ve dated guys taking all sorts of drugs who had no problems whatsoever of getting it up. I’ve also dated guys with NO history of drug use who had arousal problems. Go figure. Heck, I once had a boyfriend who was model-hot. He could fuck all night, but had 1 problem – he couldn’t cum. He could get hard, but no orgasm. Talk about being cursed…

I have no proof if any of my customers are using drugs or stimulants or whatever, so I’m reluctant to point my finger. Know what I mean? Now performance anxiety?!?! There’s no performance to be anxious about! Remember, I’m being paid to do all the work here, and shooting a load ain’t exactly gonna impress me. So I don’t want to point my finger there either. All I can say for certain is that we’ve all started noticing it with the young guys just over the last year or 2.

Now I know it’s not my technique since I’ve been perfecting the Hand Release for years now. Come to think of it (no pun intended), I can truthfully claim that I have thousands of success stories! (pun fully intended there).

The secret is relaxation. If a customer is uptight or has the wrong attitude, I know we’re gonna have problems. Now if I guy WANTS to cum, he’ll have no problems. I would say that about 7 out of 10 customers look forward to their happy ending, and let me do my job. It’s those last 3 guys who give me trouble, and it’s usually because they want to prolong the end part.

So here for all the world to see, is the typical happy ending, as brought to you by CJ…

I keep an eye on the clock so I can wrap up the massage before the 5 minute mark. At this point, he’s usually on his back and I’m just finishing up his legs. I like to finish with the legs instead of the arms since it kinda builds up the excitement as I work closer and closer towards his crotch (also helps them to cum faster). I usually don’t say anything at this point - I’ll just oil up my hands and immediately apply them to his dick.

The oil is in a warmer, so there’s no shock to the guy. First I’ll work his cock up and down to get it nice and oily. Then I’ll start the gentle tugging to get him hard. The beginning is always the toughest since it’s like working with a wet pasta noodle. Now is when I start my talk…

“Close your eyes… Don’t talk... Relax - just think about these warm hands on you...”

Then I’ll usually keep quiet and see how they’re reacting. By now they’re usually hard and it’s much easier to maintain the up and down motion. I don’t do anything exotic like a twisting motion or anything since most guys can’t tell the difference with all that oil anyway.

Now those 3 guys out of 10 that I told you about – they’re the ones who want to stretch out their time by distracting themselves. Let me tell ya – some guys just will not shup up! They'll talk about stupid shit like the weather, traffic, books, movies, news, etc. Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve got a naked woman with YOUR cock in her hand, and you want to talk about the weather? When these guys start their shit, I quickly shush them up. I may not be able to keep them from thinking about baseball cards, but I can at least get them to shut up. The key here is to get them to focus their attention back on their dicks. And I can tell I’m succeeding when they start to get harder and begin that involuntary twitching thing they do.

At this point, I’ll usually cup their balls with my free hand. It’s important that you space these things out. It’s kinda like driving a manual transmission – You can’t shift up to the next gear until you’ve revved the engine up first. Same thing with the balls – you can’t cup them till the dicks nice and hard. Once it gets a little bit harder (or he starts moaning) you can start rubbing the balls gently.

I’ll check the clock again to see how we’re doing. If things are MOVING ALONG, and the guy has a good attitude, I’ll overlook the 5 minute thing. I can tell if a guy is genuinely trying to work with me and not take advantage, so giving a guy a few extra minutes works a lot better than reminding him he has 1 minute left before he has to resort to masturbation. Now you can always pay for extra time. We charge “$15 for 15 minutes (and Audrey gets the money). But that 15 minutes is gonna go to massage – not the hand release! And you have to ask for it BEFORE I get started on the happy ending - that $15 doesn't reset the jerk-off clock.

Now where were we… ah yes… Balls. So anyways, I’ll start working the balls between my fingers. Some guys may cum at this point. I’d say maybe half or so. If nothing changes in the hardness, breathing, or other signs after a minute, I’ll say “You can touch me if you want…”Just the statement alone is enough to bring out the heavy breather in most guys, and once they start squeezing my ass or cupping my breasts, I can count on them finishing in another minute.

After a minute of touching, if their breathing becomes rhythmic and they haven’t become super-hard yet, I’ll start with what I call the Naughty Talking:

“Come on baby…Cum for me. You like it when I work your cock? You like these hands stroking you? I just love to watch a man cum…”

I call this the Naughty Talking as opposed to the Dirty Talking. With the Dirty Talking, I’ll ask the guy to start picturing his cock in my mouth, or how I’m riding him up and down (always pick an image that works for when he’s on his back with his eyes closed - I learned this technique from Trina). I usually charge an extra $50 for this. That may sound crazy, but when a customer is 90% to orgasm, it’s amazing what they’ll do (or pay) to seal the deal. And don’t start assuming that I’m ripping these guys off – just remember that they’re getting the same high quality customer service everyone else gets – they just need that extra little KINK to get over the top.

To get to this point should take me about 5 minutes or so. If it’s just not happening, I’ll tell the guy sorry, but the time is up. Almost always they knew this was gonna happen, so I don’t feel too bad.

Now let’s summarize:

1st Gear - Baby Oil
2nd Gear - Relax
3rd gear - Jerk
4th gear - Balls
5th gear - Touch/Squeeze
6th gear - Dirty Talk

So there you have it... CJ's 6 steps towards a Happy Ending.

Now don't move... I'll get a towel.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Limp Dick

Someone made a comment the other day about how he’s jealous of guys like Captain Haircut who can cum without having to touch his own dick. Well let me tell ya, I’ve seen a lot of guys with the exact opposite problem. It sucks for them and it sucks for me since I’m the one who gets stuck having to literally beat their meat till my arm’s ready to fall off. I have a rule – 5 minutes for the happy ending – after that you’re on your own.

I wouldn’t say that Limp Dick is a common problem, but we do see it on a regular basis. Now with the old guys, you can usually blame it on their heart or blood pressure medication. I had 1 Regular on heart meds that could only cum at one exact point in the hand release. I would get his prick all heavily lubed, then I’d beat it like it owed me money. He needed lots of extra lube up front, because when you’re jerking fast and furious on a dick that’s flapping around like a wet noodle, the oil starts flying every which way (including in my hair and eyes!). After about 2 minutes – or right when my hand is about to spontaneously combust – he would go from noodle to sausage for EXACTLY 5 seconds. At this point I would kick it into overdrive by using my right hand to prop up my left arm, because if he didn’t come within those 5 seconds, he was Shit-Outta-Luck. He’d go back to wet noodle, and it was time to head home cause there ain’t nothing more I could do.

When I see it in other customers, I’ll try raising my game by grabbing and squeezing their balls or pulling really hard on the head. If no action is going on downstairs after that, there are 2 things that usually happen at this awkward moment. Some guys will ask you to stop after a few minutes and admit it’s not going to happen. I particularly like these guys who can handle defeat with grace.

Then there are the guys who just get weird.

The most obvious request I get is to go down on them. That one’s so old, I just laugh it off now. But then the requests only go downhill from there:

Punch my balls
Flick it with your fingers

Hold it in one hand and slap it with the other
Pinch it with your nails

Smack it against the table
Step on it
(I get this one way more often than you’d imagine)
Stand on the table and try to pick me up with it

Slam it in the door (yeah – the guys in the lobby would just love to see that)

Once I even had a guy ask me to cut it with a razor blade!! You believe that shit? I told him “NO” for a hundred obvious reasons, but that one really freaked me out. Look guys, if you can’t get it up, that’s too bad, but why do I have to suffer? Now this doesn’t mean that I haven’t resorted to some of the more “extreme” measures in my sordid history. But those cases were rare and for special customers only (and by special I mean “cha-ching!”).

And THOSE stories I will reserve for a special occasion.

Now you wanna hear something weird (you’re probably rolling your eyes at that line) – I’ve been getting more and more young guys in here with Limp Dick. I’m talking the 20-25 range. It’s the weirdest thing. They have no clue why they can only get 50% hard. Then they expect me to know why! Go see your doctor – not a masseuse. These guys can still cum, they just never get really hard.

I feel kinda bad for them. If you guys reading this have any ideas, please let me know. I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is a girl with a clit that’s not sensitive. In that case it’s just a matter of figuring out exactly what you gotta do that works. Maybe it’s easier for these young guys to come to me first, instead of embarrassing themselves with their poor unsuspecting girlfriends. Whatever – I should have become a dick doctor.

So guys – any advice?


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Holy Rollers

OK, I thought I’d do something different today. Instead of one of my stories, I got one from another business. So here’s proof that it’s not just me making up this bullshit, but there’s wacky shit going on all over the place.

I was chatting with a customer today who’s from Ohio (we’ll call him Ralph) who passes by here on a regular basis. I didn’t tell him about my blog, but I did make a comment about how I’ve seen things so crazy over the years, that no one believes me. Well, he said he’d believe anything I had to say after this story he got from a masseuse in Ohio.

(Note from CJ – I can’t testify to the truth of Ralph’s story. But it’s kinda funny anyway)

This Other Place he goes to has an interesting setup. The Boss doesn’t allow her girls to do full service. Instead, whenever a customer wants full service, they are to refer him to The Boss who happily obliges. I guess it’s her way of keeping her girls honest and the big tips all for herself. I could say I’m in a similar situation since discovering that my boss does full service stuff with some of her Regulars, but I digress…

The Boss tells this story of one of her higher profile customers. Apparently a rather popular local Minister has been a regular at her place for a number of years. And to make things more interesting, he’s recently begun showing up with his WIFE. Now like I said before, I will not vouch for the truth of this story, but Ralph said you can see him on local Ohio TV Sunday mornings. And I hear he’s the real bible-thumping kinda preacher too. Anyway, this guy will only makes appointments at night, and he goes out of his way to park several blocks from the massage parlor and walk the rest of the way (married men – are you taking note?).

Ralph said they get the same thing each time. The Minister relaxes while both the Wife and the Boss do a full body massage on him. Then towards the end, the 2 girls take turns jerking him off, but double up for the finish. After he’s done, he moves from the table to a chair in the corner of the room. The Boss then does an erotic massage on the Wife, but for the happy ending she actually goes down on her! THEN, they switch places and the Wife goes down on the Boss!! And I guess all this time, the Minister just watches and plays with himself.

For her time and discretion, the Boss gets paid $1,000 per session. I guess it’s slightly more discrete than calling an escort agency – as long as no one sees him walking out the door!!! LOL - I see no reason not to believe this story. I mean, I’ve seen and heard weirder. But if you guys don’t like this story – don’t blame me!


Monday, April 7, 2008

Freak of the Week 2 - Captain Haircut

Luna came to me last weekend while I was on break and told me she had just had the oddest session. She said “This guy just came in wearing a full army uniform – camouflage and everything.” That rang a bell in my head, but I let her continue. “Said he’s a regular here and asked who else was working. I told him you were on break, but he said he was in a hurry and all and it wouldn’t take long.” I start smiling because I think I know where this is going.

“So anyways, he asks for 30 minutes. Then says real matter-of-fact like if I could get some extra towels and a cup of hot water.” I notice that Luna isn’t bothered by this story, just sort of confused. I just nod and tell her to continue. “So then I gets him in the room and he just sits in the chair. And when I tried to tell him about the options, he cuts me off and says he doesn’t take any. So he says…” and here Luna leans in to make it sound more dramatic, “… he asks… 'Would you cut my hair?'

I knew it – Captain Haircut! I haven’t seen him in a while, but he shows up like clockwork: first weekend of every month. He’s not from around here, but the Reserves give him an excuse to visit us on a regular basis. He’s quiet in a creepy kinda way, but he’s also harmless. I probably would have told you about him eventually, but Luna’s first experience with him is far more fun.

My eyes got wide. “No way!” I said in pretend surprise. “Did you tell him we’re a massage parlor?”

“Uh yeah. But he said that’s why he’s here because he needs it done in a very precise way. I figured he wanted me topless while I did it or something, but nope. He says I can keep everything on. Then he opens up this backpack and pulls out some clippers, and then some shaving cream and a razor.” She starts nodding her head, “And then I realize what the extra towels and cup of hot water are for… He expects me to cut and shave his head!” And with this she smacks her forehead.

I started laughing as if I’d heard this guys story for the first time. But wait, it gets better.

“He says ‘I like it when ladies cut my hair’ all serious like. And I’m like do you want me to jerk you off or something when we’re done? And he’s like ‘that won’t be necessary.’ So we talk price and he says Trina charged him $60 last time, so I said OK.”

Luna sits down next to me for the next part of her story. “Anyways, he sits back and starts to undo his army pants. So I’m figuring this is where he’s gonna do something weird. But instead, he reaches back into his bag and pulls out a wad of tissues. Then, get this - he shoves the wad of tissues into his underwear. Weird huh?” I nod in agreement and tell her to go on. “Well then he asks me for the towels, so I go over and help him put them around his neck and shoulders. Then I gets the clippers and he tells me to cut his hair real slow and not to miss anything.

Now I’ve cut my kids hair before, so I know how to use clippers. So I start on the back of his neck and work my way up slowly, see. And then I notice he’s like making these little noises. So I stop and ask if he’s OK, and he’s like ‘Yes, keep going’ so I’m like whatever, so I keep going.” Now I lean in to listen since this is getting good. “Then I notice that he’s starting to moan louder like each time I make a pass on his head. So then I looked down to see if he’s touching himself, and he’s not. His hands are sitting on his knees, right? Well anyways, I keep going and I have to admit that the mom in me wants to do a good job. So I go really slow and making sure I don’t miss anything and that it looks even and everything, right?”

Now I start laughing since I’m loving this story, and I know how it ends.

“I am not kidding CJ! His eyes are closed and he’s actually moaning as I cut his hair. But then I finish, and I ask him ‘now what?’ So he tells me to dip the razor in the cup with the hot water. Meanwhile, he takes the shaving cream thing and starts lathering up his head, OK? When he’s done and ready, he wipes the stuff off his hands on the towels and says in a really quiet voice, ‘Now shave it really, really slow. I’ll tell you when to stop.”

“So what did you do?!” I asked. I was really digging her story at this point.

Luna shrugged her shoulders. “I starting shaving, like he said. I started at his forehead and worked my way back. So now it’s obvious that this guy is moaning and breathing heavy. And I swear CJ, each time I dragged that razor across his head, you’d think I was stroking his cock. He just kept moaning and his breathing kept getting heavier and heavier. It was kinda scary, but kinda interesting at the same time. Know what I mean? Well anyways, I finished the top of his head and started the back of his head when all of a sudden he says ‘STOP.'

You should have seen me… I froze right there! So then he says kinda normal now ‘Thank you. I’ll finish the rest.’ Then he takes the razor from me and rinses it in the cup. Then he towels his head off. Now I can see that I’ve only finished about half of his head, but I didn’t say anything since I was still just weirded out. So now here’s the freaky thing… he reaches into his army pants and pulls out the wad of tissue! Gross, right? Well I knew he was a regular at this point because he took the tissues and put them in a plastic bag and then packed that with the rest of his shaving stuff and clippers in his backpack. Then he buttons his pants up, says ‘Thank you’ again, then gets up and leaves. That was probably the freakiest $60 I’ve ever made”

I am laughing my ass off at this point. Not because any of this is new to me, but just Luna’s whole take on it. I should have warned her about Captain Haircut. Oh well. It’s funnier this way!


Thursday, April 3, 2008

This One is for the Girls

So the other week I was hanging out with some friends at the bar when in walks a couple of girls from The Business across town (*** from now on I’ll refer to them as “The Other Place” since I refuse to give them a plug ***). Now the massage business is a relatively small world, so I tend to know most of the other girls in some way – worked together, shared some pot, fucked their boyfriends – you get what I’m saying. I wouldn’t call them our competition either, since they’re pretty much full-service and we’re not (at least most of us here aren’t!).

When a new guy comes around asking us for full-service, we politely refer him to the local weekly rag (where The Other Place has an ad). We used to just send them over there until we had a really bad experience. One day some asshole comes in looking for a particular full-service girl and we automatically referred him to The Other Place. Turns out he was a stalker, and the girl he was looking for had just switched businesses in an effort to avoid him. Since then we’ll never refer anyone, or acknowledge we know anyone at the Other Places.

Anyways, I remember Sarah from when I used to work at The Other Place in the old days. We’re still friends and call each other now and then. Well, she walks in with one of their new girls (we’ll call her Andrea since I hate the name Andrea). One of the guys in our group turns and asks me “Who is that? And would you look at those!” The last time I saw Andrea, she was a short, dumpy, brunette who probably went full service because she was a lousy masseuse. I am not kidding – now she looked like someone took a bowling ball, cut it in half, then glued the pieces to her upper torso. And her shirt was so tight I swear you could see the holes for the fingers.

The boys couldn’t stop staring.

Trina leans over and says “Fake tits. Fake lips. And she’s bowed legged.”

Luna added “I’ve seen better dressed crack-ho’s. And I would know.”

Beer almost came out of my nose at that one. Then I added, “Without those heels she’d be a midget.”

What is it with guys and fake titties? I’ve already talked about what I think of implants. They’re really not necessary in this line of work. They make you look like a stripper and don’t help a business that’s trying to look legitimate. I’ve worked with girls with implants before, and I don’t know how many times I’ve heard the guys complaining about how they should never have changed their looks, etc. I agree - and that’s not just because my real ones are nice!

I swear – you could slap tits on a dog, and guys will still drool. Guys are so stupid.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Q&A 1

Wow - I got a bunch of interesting questions and comments from you guys this week. They were good enough to share with everyone, so I thought I'd try something different today and just do a Q&A. It's a nice break from trying to figure out what kinda stories you guys would enjoy. So here goes...

My First Q&A Session - by CJ

Does the "touching within reason" ever do ANYTHING for you? Or is it just noise that you tune out?

Depends on the guy and the touching. When a guy is on the table and just grabbing my tits and ass, I just tune it out. But there’s an option I offer for Regulars called “Mutual Massage” where I spend half the time massaging him and he gets to spend half the time massaging me. During a mutual, I can usually count on enjoying my half of the deal since the guys always do their best to make me happy! Talk about attention to detail… guys will rub my feet, my head, my neck, you name it. Ask a boyfriend for a massage – and all I’ll get is a few rough rubs across my back before he rolls over and asks for sex.

Has a guy ever gotten you excited while you're getting him excited?
Interesting question. Believe it or not, I’m actually fascinated with a guys ejaculation. I enjoy watching a cock twitch then shoot its little streams of jizz. I don’t know what it is, but I just get a real kick out of that. And it’s more of mental turn on if anything – not sexual.

Now have I ever been turned on by any guys in particular? You bet! We’ve had hot guys in here, and guys that are just so sweet and charming it’s a wonder I didn’t go home with them. A lot of it is having that right attitude. But it’s not that often that I get turned on during work, and when I do I usually just go home and take care of things (if you know what I mean).

So how much would it be to fuck? Name a price even if it's a million dollars.

Sorry guys – NO amount of money. I believe you can’t put a price on sex. If you want to get into these pants, it’s all about how you talk to a lady. But if you’re curious about the guys who’ve tried - a Regular once offered me $3,500 for 30 minutes at his place (which is funny since he’s only a mile from my house and I drive past it every day).

Have you had any close calls with Johnny Law?

Nope never.

Do you get a W-2 from your employer? Is it organized just like a regular business (except for the touching of genitals?) Do you have to claim your tips?

I get a 1099 and yes, I have to declare my tips. But as any waitress will tell you, you only declare a calculated minimum.

Do you have to do anything special to keep your hands/wrists from getting sore? Do you have a special workout regimen?

What kind of question is that? Are you suggesting I make a workout video? I’ll admit that my hands and arms are fit from doing massages for a living. But if you’re referring to the Happy Ending, I usually limit that bit to 5 minutes because my arms do get tired.

Do you serve all ethnicities in your practice? If so, is it true what they say about african-american men?

Yes – we serve all ethnicities. And No – it’s not true what they say. Out of all my years at this, I’ve only seen maybe 3 black cocks that were bigger than normal. Ya wanna know who really has the biggest pricks? OLD GUYS. For some reason, their pricks get bigger and thicker with age. I think it's proof that God has a sense of humor.

Do you have an end goal in mind (I just need to make X dollars and then I'm done) or are you just trying to figure it all out still? (like the rest of us...)

Just trying to figure it out like the rest of you. Keep reading this crap and maybe you can figure it out for me!

Do you feel that there is anything wrong with what you're doing? Is massaging genitals really all that much different from rubbing shoulders, backs, and legs?

Nope – a dick is just another muscle like the rest of them. I see nothing wrong with what I do since I don’t do anything I’m not supposed to. Remember - I’m not full service.

Back when I was working at a legitimate spa, people still looked at me crooked when I told them I was a “Massage Therapist.” The whole massage industry is forever tainted by the escort agencies that use massage as a cover for prostitution. A customer told me this story about how he once called a “massage agency” to send someone to his place. Well this skanky looking woman shows up and starts explaining all the things she’ll do for money, and massage was NOT one of them. It also doesn't help your image when one of your co-workers turns full-service behind your back.

Well I hope that answers some of your questions. Keep em coming! This was a nice break from my usual staring at the screen wondering why you guys don't want to hear about that slut with the new implants. Oh well.


Tuesday, April 1, 2008

So You Wanna Be a Sugar Daddy?

Hi guys – sorry I’ve been gone so long. Last week was really weird and it took a while for me to get my thoughts straightened out. Did you like my cute little attempt to poll you guys as to what you want to hear first? I guess not since only 3 people said anything. Oh well. You’re gonna hear those stories anyway, but I see that you’re not interested in hearing about the new skank at the place across town that just got implants. Things like that are a big deal to the girls, but I guess boys don’t care.

So let me tell you about Sugar Daddies. The basic definition of a Sugar Daddy (or “SD”) is someone who takes care of you financially in return for sexual favors. In the massage business, it’s an overly generous Regular that you’re willing to do “extras” for. Now any guy can offer you a wad of cash in the hopes you’ll do something extra, but a real Sugar Daddy hands you a wad of cash in every session, no matter what happens in the room.

Now before you start yelling “Aha! I knew you screwed customers!” - let me explain what I mean by extras. If you’re willing to bump up your game to the level of Sugar Daddy, these are some of the perks you can expect.

Blow Jobs – This is one of the most common extras that SD’s ask for. Remember – this is supposed to be erotic massage. So replacing the hand release with a mouth release is a really big deal. You're crossing the line between masseuse and whore. You can get fired. And if rumors start getting around, you'll attract unwanted attention to the business.

VIP Treatment For example, I won't watch the clock during session. I may offer a hand release at both the beginning AND end. I'll wear any outfits you bring, and if you ask nicely I may give you one of the more exotic releases like breast or thigh.

Fucking – This perk usually takes place outside the business. And a SD must be VERY generous before he can start asking for it. At this point, you've pretty much just agreed to be an escort for a rich customer. And this leads me to the next one…

Meeting Outside the Business – Another popular extra. SD’s assume that you’ll be available after work for drinks or whatever. Hey – they’re paying extra for it, so why not? Most of the time, these outside meetings are little more than booty calls at some local motel. But sometimes you’ll be asked to meet your SD’s in public so they can show you off to their friends.

(True Story – my old co-worker Cindy and I once met our SD’s at a local hotel for dinner. Well, I was there for dinner - Cindy was there to fuck. We got all slutted up for the occasion and headed out. While we were waiting in the parking lot having a smoke, hotel security approached us and told us to “…go work elsewhere.”)

Ya wanna know what I do with my Sugar Daddies? It’s not a big deal talking about it since I've never had sex with any of them. Well first off, all my SD's get the VIP treatment. Shit - I'll fan them with a palm leaf and feed them grapes for all I care - the money is THAT good. Also, I'll agree to see them outside of work. Sometimes it's to a hotel room or condo for a private session, but usually it's out for dinner. Occasionally I'll be asked to set their friends up with one of my less virtuous friends (Yes - I've pimped out my friends before!). I've even had offers to go spend a weekend somewhere, but I've only accepted a few times, and that was for a particularly generous Sugar Daddy.

This SD (let's call him Fred) took me to Miami for a weekend business trip. He gave me money for shopping and only had 1 stipulation - I look good each night we went out with his "Colleagues." It was a pretty sweet deal. I spent the days shopping with one of the other guys "Assistants" and in the evening I just had to look hot and act flirty. Didn't even have to blow the guy! Had my own bed and everything. Now before you start rolling your eyes and clicking on someone elses blog, just remember that this guy was VERY wealthy. I guess after a certain point in your life it's more about appearances and less about getting laid. Maybe he didn't want to cheat on his wife - I don't know.

So what does it take to be called a Sugar Daddy? Well it takes more than walking into a business and flashing a roll of bills. If a guy wants to be your SD, he'll always drop a fat tip after the first session to let you know he's interested. And I don't mean an extra $20. I'm talking an extra 2 or 3 hundred on top of the regular tip. That kind of money grabs your attention. Now if this guy comes back and does it AGAIN, then you know he's serious and not a recent lottery winner. They'll also lavish you with gifts. I've got a chest full of jewelry from Sugar Daddies past and present. But the best gift I've ever seen is the pair of tits Cindy got from her SD. Funny story - guy spends $4000 and then gets tired of her 2 months later. I gotta start telling you guys more Cindy stories...

Now why have I not talked about Sugar Daddies till now? Cause it looks like I may have met a new one this week. Guy came in - decent looking elderly guy. Thinning gray hair, kinda skinny, good conversation. Anyway, he came in and we had a rather nice, normal session. Didn't ask for anything weird or kinky. But afterwards, he tips me $500, then says he'll be back. I was floored. I haven't seen anything like this in a long time.

So what exactly am I supposed to do if he comes back? I could really use the money considering how bad business has been, but this amount just makes me nervous. Why couldn't he be a cheap creep like the rest of them? THAT I can deal with.