Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Stupid Newbie Mistakes - or What NOT To Do In A Massage Parlor

This weekend I had to throw out 2 newbies because they were being such dipshits. I mean, I could use the business just like the next girl, but there are just some breaches of etiquette (and levels of stupidity) that cannot be forgiven. This is what I'm talking about...

When it comes to getting your happy ending, there are certain behaviors that will kill the deal. Look - this is a shady business to begin with so there are certain things we must do to protect both you and me. But if you newbies out there follow my advice, then you'll be merrily on your way to enjoying your first erotic massage.

On The Phone
When on the phone, the First Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Period. Under no circumstances should you ask about options, extras, or whatever little perversions float your boat.

If you call up, the only things I will discuss on the phone are: door fee, hours we're open, and which girls are working that day. If you ask me "what kind" of massage we provide, my pat answer is "relaxing." And if a caller asks ANYTHING regarding extras, I automatically respond with "we don't do that here" and I hang up. I don't know how many times I end up hanging up on a newbie each week because they pull that stupid shit on the phone.

At The Desk
When standing at the front desk, the Second Rule of erotic massage is don't talk about erotic massage. Our lobby isn't exactly a private space, so as a rule we do not discuss anything regarding extras or options.

This is where I had to throw out a newbie on Saturday. This guy came in and kept trying to get me to talk about what goes on in the room. "My buddy told me I could get a happy ending massage here..."

Listen - that kind of talk will get your ass thrown out of any massage parlor. We will only talk about extras and options inside the room. I don't even like Regulars talking about it at the front desk. It's really in poor taste to discuss your little perversions up front where the phones are and people walking around.

Look, I know that some of you newbies are nervous and want to know up front everything that's going to happen before any money is exchanged, but that's just the way it has to be to protect ourselves. This guy on Saturday was doing his best to get me to admit he could get a handjob, so I finally just told him we're not that kind of place and to take his business elsewhere.

In The Room
The Third Rule of erotic massage is everyone cums (I hope I don't have to pay any royalties to "Fight Club").

One of the most common questions I get from newbies is "How do I ask for a happy ending?" I've gone over this before, but I'll talk about it again for the education of some of the new readers out there. The answer is NEVER. If you're in a genuine massage parlor, then your masseuse will offer you "options" for your massage. This means you're gonna get your happy ending without having to ask for it (did you really think she's taking her top off for therapeutic reasons?).

Now if you're in a therapeutic massage business, the same rule still applies - NEVER ask for a happy ending! Some masseuses may take offense and consider that a little legal term we like to call "solicitation." So technically, you the customer should never have to ask - it is supposed to be offered. That way, there is no confusion as to what is about to happen. And this exchange should ONLY take place inside the room. Heck - I've heard of some parlors where extra's aren't even offered until AFTER the massage is over!

Another rule inside the room is NEVER assume anything is going to take place until you've discussed AND agreed upon it with your masseuse. This brings me to the 2nd asshole I threw out this weekend. This newbie seemed normal on the phone and at the desk... but as soon as that door was closed, he was all over me. I had to shove him off and asked what he thought he was doing. His response was basically "hey - I'm paying for this." So my response was basically "No you're not - so get the fuck out."

NOW REMEMBER - always let the masseuse make the first move. I know a lot of my stories start with something like "a guy came in asking for a blah-and-blah." Well those are Regulars who I already know and trust, so we usually skip the formalities.

So if you're looking for your first massage parlor - relax, sometimes it takes a visit or 2 before you're offered options. If nothing has happened by the 2nd visit, you're probably in a therapeutic spa and it's time to move on. Now I know there are a lot of guys out there that have gotten handjobs from masseuses who did not offer options, but that's a whole other topic that I'll talk about later.

And if nothing else works, just tell your massuese "I know CJ." Good luck newbies!


Friday, February 19, 2010

Handjobs for Pizza

By the way - I was reading through some of the comments last week about the guy who brought us pizza in the snow. Well I now realize that men would prefer a handjob to getting paid for pizza.

I JUST now got that.

When I was telling that story, it never even occurred to me that "Knight" would have preferred the happy ending to the money. That's why my attitude was like "fine... I hope you're happy with just this handjob..."

I mean the guy was gone for over an hour, driving in the snow. And he must have spent at least $30 on the all the food and drinks. I would have wanted to be paid back! It just didn't occur to me till right this minute that Knight got what he considered the better end of the deal.

If he were my Regular, I would have forced him to take the money and then given him a happy ending just as a "thank you." But that's just me. Sometimes I find it hard to understand the male brain.

It's funny, I've been doing erotic massage for so long that I sometimes forget that there's a reason why it's called a "happy ending." For me, 99% of the effort is in the massage portion. The last 1% is easy. Like I've said before, for most guys the handjob is pretty much up, down, repeat as necessary. But you try working out the kinks on the back of a 250 lbs. trucker who's been sitting down for 16 hours - THAT'S hard.

So anyway, let me give you a quick update on what's going on around here. I spoke with Audrey at length yesterday about when she's supposed to come back. I told her I'm managing quite fine without her, but we could use an extra set of hands (pun intended) for some of the busier shifts. Audrey told me point blank not to count on her coming back anytime soon, but I do have the OK to hire anyone I like.

I guess that's something. The quality of girls that have been dropping by lately has been lacking. I have a couple people in my little black book I may call up and see if they're interested. I'd much rather work with a Ho I know than one I don't know (Little Red - please forward your resume and 2 references).

Have a good weekend guys and watch out for that snow! You never know where you'll get stranded.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Late Shift

One of you guys asked me to tell the story of the time I took care of a customer while sitting at the front desk. And the guy who got a handjob for bringing us pizza - these are examples of the kinda stuff that can happen on the late shift. The Business is open till 9pm with our last appointments starting at 8. The second shift here is typically 3-9pm, but we'll stay later for Regulars. At my Old Business, we were open till 11pm [Massage Parlor Tip #14 - any massage places open past 9 are usually the happy ending kind].

When you're working the late shift, it's pretty easy to get punch drunk towards closing time - especially if you've just worked a double. You're tired, you're feeling lazy, and you just wanna go home. Combine that with the fact that our neighboring businesses have all closed and we have the entire shopping plaza to ourselves, and you can see why things can be pretty loose at night.

For example, when Audrey's not around we might take an hour for dinner, ditch the business casual outfits for jeans and T-shirts, turn up the music, crank up the heat/AC, or take the phone outside and hang out in the parking lot and smoke. Customers like it too because they can hang out before or after a session and just chat with us without feeling pressured to leave.

The clientele also changes at night. We usually get a bump in customers right when everyone gets out of work. But later in the night is when you usually see the guys who aren't married or just don't need to be home anytime soon. This makes for a more laid back atmosphere in the evenings.

So one night back at the Old Business, it was around closing and one of my Regulars was hanging out with me and another girl. Well it was getting late and I asked "Buster" if he wanted a session or what because I was ready to go home. We had all been hanging out in the lobby which had 2 couches and a tall desk next to the front door. Buster was sitting in the desk chair and I was on the couch.

"I'll pay you for an entire session if you just take care of me right here," he challenged me with a smirk on his face.

By now you should know that I'll take a challenge. I called his bluff, "What? In that chair?"

Buster smiled. "Yup. Right here. It's always been a fantasy of mine."

I figured what the heck. From the front door, you couldn't see the chair behind the desk. And in that Business, all the windows up front were covered solid with black plastic (yes - this place was sleazy looking).

I stood up from the couch. "Drop 'em." I ordered.

All of a sudden, he looked nervous. Buster glanced over at the other girl. She made an excuse to go in the back and clean up. "Uhhhhh... Really?....Right here?"

I love being in control. "You asked for it" I said as I knelt in front of him. I pulled a box of kleenex off the desk and put it on the floor. "Whip it out big boy."

Buster awkwardly unbuckled his pants and dropped them around his ankles without standing up from the chair. I spit on my left hand, and kept a kleenex handy in my right. I started to work his cock and was surprised to see just how quickly he got excited by this change of venue. "Wow. I...I...I... didn't think you'd d-d-do it."

"It's late, so who cares? Now sit back and close your eyes." I spit on my hand again and he moaned loudly with the fresh application of lubricant. I kept an eye on his shirt to make sure it wasn't in the cum-zone.

His breathing increased and I knew he was close to finishing. "Moo.. Moo... Move over here so I can squeeze your t-t-tits." I obliged him by moving closer to the chair. Buster clumsily grabbed The Girls with his left hand before finally moaning "This is it!" And with that I wrapped the kleenex around the tip of his prick and caught most of his load. I pumped him a few gentle times more to get the last drop before I cleaned him up.

"Is it all that you had hoped for Buster?" I asked with a big smile. He just kinda collapsed in the chair and nodded his head.

Now what is it with guys and public spaces? I mean there was no danger of anyone actually seeing what I was doing behind the desk, but for some reason the idea turned Buster on. Not that I'm complaining; it was a quick tip for me and I didn't even have to get undressed.

Remind me later to tell you the story of the time I did a customer in Audrey's office. I was pissed at her over something, and it just seemed like an appropriate way to get revenge. But now that I have to sit in THAT chair and do her job, I feel kinda skeeved.

Karma's a bitch.


Friday, February 12, 2010

Snow Day

Hey guys! This post is (or was) coming to you live from The Business on Wednesday night. Trina and I got snowed in and decided to stay overnight. Kinda like a slumber party, but with the occasional handjob thrown in.

We knew it was gonna be bad. And as acting manager of The Business, I made the executive decision to cover the afternoon shift in case Trina didn't want to tough it out. What happened was that the storm started off slow, and so we all thought we could work our regular shifts. Then when it kicked into high gear, we realized it was too late to get home safely. Luckily we're prepared for such eventualities.

During the winter, we all keep an extra set of clothes in our lockers. And the fridge is usually stuffed with snacks and leftovers. But why come into work at all you ask? Because there's this weird phenomenon we see at The Business where things actually pick up at the beginning of bad weather. We call it the "Hurricane Sale." You know that time right before a storm when all the wacko's raid the grocery store for bottled water and toilet paper? Well, I guess the same thinking applies to handjobs.

I covered Wednesday morning by myself and did pretty well - five 30 minute sessions (everyone in a hurry to get outta town). Trina had the evening shift, but I stuck around just to hang out. Poor Trina got 1 customer before we realized the roads were pretty much impassable and we were stuck there. So we called it a day around 6pm, put on our PJ's , cranked the heat, and turned up the TV.

I think we were on our 3rd bag of microwave popcorn when the doorbell rang.

It was already dark out and the storm was at full force, but one of Trina's Regulars just pulled right on up in his giant 4x4 pickup. He wanted to know if he could do a session, so we let him in. He asked about the PJ's and I explained to him that we were stuck there for the night. Well this chivalrous gentleman offered the services of his All Terrain Chariot, so I told him to go get us a pizza. One hour later, and we were all chowing down on the best pepperoni pizza ever in front of the TV. I told Trina I'd do him for free after the huge favor he did for us, but she said she'd take care of him.

Trina asked him if he wanted to go into session still, but he said he was too comfortable sitting on the floor and having pizza with us. We tried to pay him for the food, but he kept refusing. So finally Trina told him to just sit back and shut up. He looked confused as he leaned back (but still keeping his eyes on the TV). She went in the closet and pulled out a fresh bottle of baby oil. Then she unbuckled his pants, and pulled them down enough to reveal his prick. Our Knight in Shining Armor looked at me with this nervous expression, but I just shrugged my shoulders. "It's not like I haven't seen one before. This is what you get for not letting us pay you for the pizza."

Trina lubed him up with the oil and began to stroke his cock. I had another slice of pepperoni and watched American Idol while a half-naked man was being stroked off 3 feet away from me. Even I have to admit it was kinda surreal.

A couple minutes later, I heard a few groans and then Trina hopped up off the floor in search of some paper towels. I looked down at our Knight and smiled at him in all his cum-stained bliss and asked "so are you gonna let us pay for our food next time?"

There the poor guy was - lying on the floor with his pants pulled down, shirt pulled up, puddle of cum on his belly, glistening limp cock, half-empty pizza box, and dumb smile on his face. "I don't think so" was all he could manage. Well, Trina got him cleaned up and he finished watching Idol with us before heading back out into the storm for home.

We had enough leftovers for breakfast the next day, so we stuck everything in the fridge. We both stretched out on the couch and watched TV till about midnight or so. Eventually I made a little bed on the floor and gave her the couch. The next morning, we both showered and Trina braved the crappy roads for home. I stuck around for the first shift and waited for Cindy that night to cover the evening.

So by the time this adventure was over, I had covered extra shifts, slept at work, and even hung around while others were working. That's when it occurred to me that I was becoming Audrey!

And it only took 4 weeks. Holy Shit!


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

I've been going on for a couple weeks now about how awful it was gonna be to start getting Audrey's old customers. But let me tell ya, it's actually working out to our benefit. Let me explain.

While Audrey was around, we would occasionally get one of her Regulars. This was usually when they forgot her schedule, or she called out sick, or whatever. When this happened, we would DREAD it. They'd either bitch about our prices being different, or how Audrey "lets me go down on her...", etc. The best was the old "she owes me a freebie" scam where they demand a free session because they did her a favor or something. So this is basically what the rest of us girls thought was going to happen when Audrey went on leave - only 10 times worse.

It turns out - most of her customers are real sweethearts.

Who woulda thought???? I think what we were seeing before were just customers angry over not getting their dicks sucked. But now that these same guys are coming to us willingly (and that is the key word here), most of them have been pleasantly surprised with how nice the rest of us are.

Here are the top 5 things Audrey's customers have come to expect from her:

1) Lower price
2) Sessions cut short
3) Little to no massage
4) Extras such as fingering and oral release
5) Bad mouthing the other girls

So now they're all coming to us - some willingly and some reluctantly. I mean she's been bad mouthing us for so long, that a lot of her customers will not come back at all. But those that have are all saying what a refreshing change of scenery it is. Customers have been telling us stories about how she rushes them, pushes them for options they don't want, gives a crap massage, and spends half the session telling awful lies about "her girls." Heck - I had one guy tell me that Audrey warned him I'd steal his wallet if he ever came to see me. AND I WORK FOR HER!!!!!

There is a very good chance that Audrey has lost some Regulars for good. A few guys are still pouting that the rest of us girls don't put out to the extent that Audrey does, but for the most part they are all happy customers. The biggest difference I've seen is the increase in requests for a breast release. Apparently guys just had no interest in getting them from her. Last Thursday I had 3 in a row!!!! (1 mine and 2 hers). The Girls were sore that night, but they had definitely earned their keep.

So there you have it - something good actually coming from this whole management mess. And by the time she comes back, I hope to have more than a few new Regulars at her expense.


Friday, February 5, 2010

Freak of the Week - Napoleon

Let me tell ya - ever since we inherited Audrey's old Regulars, it's been like a genuine carnival of freaks around here. Not that they're all bad - in fact, some of them are real sweethearts. It's funny, a lot of these guys are finally realizing that the other girls here are not the two-bit skanks that Audrey made us out to be.

But with all the nice guys also come the not-so-nice. Take "Napoleon" for example. I'll call him that because this guy yesterday definitely had a Napoleon complex.

Before I get started here, let me point out that I have nothing against short guys. Heck - I'm short! I've even dated guys not much taller than me. But once in a while you meet one of those guys who's like really uptight about it. Funny thing is that real "little people" who come in here don't have attitudes. Personally, I think the Napoleon complex kicks in with guys who are just short enough to realize it, but not short enough that they have to accept it.

Napoleon was right smack in the middle of that range. The first moment I knew something was weird was when he called in and asked for Audrey. I explained to him that she's out for the time being, and the rest of the staff is taking care of her customers. He actually demanded to get her personal number, then said "this is not acceptable" and other things that assholes usually say when they don't get their way. Didn't bother me since he's not one of my Regulars.

He didn't make an appointment on the phone, but surprisingly turned up at the door 30 minutes later. Once again he demands to see Audrey and I gave him the whole talk all over again. This time he doesn't ask for a phone number but instead says something like "you'll do."

I'll do? What a way to flatter a girl. Especially one you want to touch your dick. I gritted my teeth over that one. If he wasn't one of Audrey's Regulars but just a newbie walk-in, I would have just said "I'm sorry sir, but I have an appointment beginning in a few minutes. Why don't you come back in 3 hours?"

[You heard it here first guys - if a masseuse tells you to come back SEVERAL hours later, she wants nothing to do with you]

But since I don't want my bad customer service skills to get back to Audrey from one of her more loyal customers, I say "well I think I can squeeze you in before my next appointment. AND it can only be for 30 minutes. Sorry." (not)

"Hurmph!" That's the best way I can describe his snort of displeasure. My teeth started grinding for a 2nd time since meeting this guy.

I got up from behind the desk and walked towards my room. "I can take you in the second room on the right." I turned around and continued "Make yourself comfortable and I'll be back in a few... WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

At the beginning of the hallway Napoleon was standing there with his pants unzipped and his junk hanging out. He grabbed it and started swinging it before asking in a very serious tone "Is this OK with you?"

I've seen flashers before. I've seen exhibitionists before. But it was the way he asked if it was "OK" that caught my attention. Those guys would either be laughing or at the very least grinning at this point. But I suddenly realized that Napoleon wasn't trying to shock me - he was being dead serious.

And it was this sudden realization that kept my right foot from contacting his sack in a very sudden and unfriendly way. So instead, I just kinda looked puzzled at him.

"I said" he repeated, "is this OK?" And for a little added emphasis, he shook his dick again.

I looked at his dick and had to admit it was disproportionably large for his height. But since it was still attached to an even bigger asshole, my surprise was quickly replaced with annoyance. "Looks fine from here. Will you please get in the room before someone sees you?"

As I tell this story now, even I'm a little proud at how well I handled this situation. But if there's one thing I've learned about dealing with jerks, it's that they usually respond best when you return their level of jerkiness. Too little and they walk all over you, too much and they get defensive.

Now if you think that a short guy standing in the middle of your work with his dick hanging out of his pants should have been slightly more shocking to me, consider what I do for a living. My biggest concern at that moment was getting him away from the windows. Since I've worked at The Business, I've done sessions in the break room (so we could both watch TV), the office (as an F-You to Audrey), and the bathroom (the 2 minute "special"). And one time at the old Business, I even took care of a customer while he sat in the chair behind the front desk.

Well my honest response seemed to satisfy Napoleon. He quickly shoved it back in his pants and said "I just needed to make sure before we got started. I don't like to surprise anyone." And with that, he FINALLY went into my room.

Funny usage of the word "surprise" I thought afterwards. He should use a dictionary for something other than standing on.

The actual session went more or less normally. Once on the table, he finally shut his mouth and behaved. Even though he's one of Audrey's Regulars, he didn't try to finger me or anything. That's what you call a good day at work - when no one tries to finger you.


Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Confessions of an Erotic Employer

As you know, I've been more or less running this place for the last couple weeks. Well, nothing makes you feel more like the boss than having to hire someone. Ugh.

The "New Girl" just quit. And by "quit" I mean no one's seen her in several weeks. She was only part time and spent most of it working with Audrey, so I really had little to do with her. Oh well, it's not a big loss. I mean she was so inconsequential that I never even had to make up a fake name for her for the blog. But with Audrey gone, I couldn't find anyone to cover those shifts. So I called the new girl at home and she confirmed that her new semester at school has started and she couldn't make it anymore.  Well let me tell ya... when she graduates college, this is ONE massage parlor that's not going to give her a good reference.

Now it's my job to find a newbie to fill in and I can't blame Audrey any more if this goes badly. We usually get at least 1 girl a week coming in looking for work, but for the life of me, I can't remember anyone applying for a job since before Christmas.

I swear, I must have spent 3 hours on the phone with Audrey this past weekend filling her in and trying to figure out where to find a hardened (no pun intended) professional to fill her shoes. I called a couple girls I used to work with and no luck. Everyone else seems to have gone legit lately (is someone trying to tell me something?).

So for all you girls out there reading this, think you got what it takes? Massage experience preferable. Strong right hand a must.

I remember a girl I used to work with at the Old Business. She had been working there for a couple of months before she quit - or should I say fired. What I remember about her in particular was that she was petit and drop dead gorgeous. You could say she was adorable in an Abercrombie/Fitch kinda way, and opposed to Playboy bunny way.

She was a rather good worker as far as I could tell. Very punctual, no complaints from the customers. Just did her job and didn't cause any trouble. Then one day, a customer finally said something to the manager about "taking the training wheels off" the new girl. Turns out that just like me - no one really told her exactly what the job involved - just what it DIDN'T involve. I guess she interpreted the "DO NOT DO THIS" list to include many things including clothing options, happy endings, or even massages.

From what we could piece together from her customers after she was gone, was that she would come into the room and pretty much just tell customers what she won't do. So after playing 20 questions with her (to which the answers were almost always "no"), the guys ended up taking matters into their own hands, while she assumed various sexy poses for them. She never even got nude. The new girl was so hot that guys would jerk themselves off and blow their loads while looking at her. As far as we can tell, the furthest any customer ever got with her was a topless.

I guess the customers were either too embarrassed to say anything to us, or they just hoped that after 3 or 4 visits she'd finally grab their prick and do her job. But no. Took a couple months before the bosses found out and let her go.

But let me tell ya - just stand there and let guys look at you while they took care of themselves? It must have been a pretty damn good gig for those 2 months!


p.s. JUST got around to answering comments from the last 2 weeks!!!! Sorry!!!