Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Help Wanted

I really need to update this damn thing more often. Every time I sit down I realize just how much crap is going on, and when I start to talk about one thing, I forget about something else.

For example, last weekend you guys were in severe danger of getting my first drunken post. It was late at night and I was nursing a really good buzz when I thought "Hey! I should write something about that thing that was soooo funny..." which is how all good ideas start right? Lucky for you guys, before I could save it, Derek walked in on me and in a drunken panic I ended up hitting the power button. If I had been logged onto blogger, it would have been saved, but I was writing it on notepad.

Anyway, I'm sure it was the most profound and interesting stuff I had ever said. Oh well.

But now that I'm sober and boring, I can tell you about the parade of winners that have been coming here looking for a job. Now that Cindy's gone, Audrey told her sister Maude to start looking for a replacement. It's really not that hard either since we get 1 or 2 girls a week who stop by looking for a job.

In this line of work we can't exactly put an ad in the "Help Wanted" section. But if we could, it would probably look something like this:

We have an immediate opening for an experienced Masseuse at a small boutique spa discretely located next to the freeway where you will enjoy a hands-on experience with our exciting all-male clientele. License a plus, but not required. Must be willing to work nights and weekends. Uniform optional. Literally.

Unfortunately, we can't do that, so the closest we can do is say "Now Hiring" in our bi-monthly ad in the local free paper. In fact, you'll notice in a lot of ads for adult-oriented services, there will be a "Now Hiring" somewhere in there. Go look in your local yellow pages under "escort" and you'll probably see what I mean.

So the other day, Maude gets the order from Audrey to start gathering contact info from girls looking for work. Maude had never done anything like this before, so she went on the internet and did some research on hiring. Let me tell ya, that woman certainly takes her job seriously. So seriously in fact that she actually downloaded some generic "Application for Employment" sheets from the internet.

Now I've worked in places where the 3 requirements for employment were:

1) Tits
2) Ass
3) Nothing else

So you should have seen the look on these girls faces when Maude handed them a clipboard and said "Fill this out." It was basically 2 pages of contact info, job experience, references, and my personal favorite - "Why do you want to work here?" Trina and I found that one so funny that we spent an entire afternoon making up answers including:

"Because crack ain't free"
"They cut my hours at the strip club"
"My ex would never find me here"
... and my personal favorite...
"I'm a people person"

Honestly, I don't give a rats ass who they end up hiring at this point - as long as she shows up on time, doesn't steal my purse, or eat my food in the fridge. Is that sad or what?

And to make things more interesting, Audrey asked Trina and I to actually pick the next girl. Fun. I can't wait to start reading those applications. Maybe we can turn it into a drinking game where you have to chug every time someone lists their probation officer under "references."



Advizor54 said...

That is a hoot. Did she also ask for references? Can she call them at home to check the quality and nature of her prior work? I'm laughing at how that phone call might play out.

"Honey! There's a woman on the phone asking how your last breast release was with what-her-name down at the massage parlor."

At least you get to pick, that might help. Have fun with the Interview process.

Anonymous said...

I though that Derek was gone?

MelissaBlade said...

That was a belated April Fool's Anonytmous. Derek is still around.

Anonymous said...

Damn you're pretty funny when you're "sober and boring"! (now i'm wondering about the content of your drunken deleted entry?)

I think you should give Maude a shot as the new girl. I'd pay money just to see the look on her face when you suggest it!

Thanks for making me smile CJ... funny stuff!

Anonymous said...

Actually, love, you need 4 things. You forgot hands!

Emma Claw said...

I wonder CJ, how many will be writing in "ass" and "tits" as skills that would make them right for the job?

Anonymous said...

CJ, I've been following your blog for a few months. My comment, question really, has nothing to do with your latest post, but I'm in a real jam and have no one to ask for help.

Some background for you: I'm an American in Paris who provides outcall massage services. I started doing this about 6 months ago because I cannot find a freaking job. (Why I moved here and why I cannot just go back home is a story in itself.) In mid-March I became friends with a client, despite your post about not doing this. The guy is younger than me and is from the UK. The short story is that I've come to realize this guy wants free hand jobs, actually he wants full service and an over-night stay at his place. I'm not the least bit physically attracted to him. He's becoming a nuisance and I need to politely get rid of him.

We went out 6 times in about 8 weeks. I never felt attracted to him. He seemed really nice, almost too nice, always going overboard with the compliments, wanting to hang out with me ALL THE TIME. Thank God I kept my personal details to myself. It finally occurred to me that his motivation is free service. Of course. Why didn't I see that? Because I'm very emotionally vulnerable right now and really needed a friend. I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. He calls, I ignore it. He sends a text or email and I ignore it. But this guy is not going to give up. He wants his free hand job for the sandwiches he bought me.

I'm angry at myself for being stupid and really angry at him for taking me for a fool. I'd love to answer his next call and tell him flat out that I am not the least bit physically attracted to him, short, round, bald guys who own the Star Trek DVD collection just don't do it for me, but if he wants his hand job he'll get it: he just has to pay double the hourly rate because he entered the frenemy zone and the hour is a 20 minute hour.

But doing that is just going to piss him off. I also thought about taking advantage of him. He seemed so willing to jump at my command, because of course he thought "tonight will be my lucky night. I'll finally get that free hand job, perhaps even full service." So why not have him take me to a chic 200 euro per plate restaurant, or ask for money to get a manicure or buy new shoes. Then I'll give him a quick hand job (and try not to vomit at his uncut cock) and get him off my back. This way he'll pay without paying and feel better about himself; as if he has the upper hand.

I have no clue if this guy is violent or not. He is extremely nice, too nice and no one is that freaking nice. I haven't asked him directly about this so it could just be my paranoia. But it does seem like no matter what we are talking about, he always turns the conversation back to when we're going to fuck. And on our last two dates, he brought up the idea of going to a cheap (not 5 star like my traveling gentlemen clients use) hotel. I just rolled my eyes and told him there was no way that was happening. (BTW: we couldn't go to his place because his girlfriend, who is moving out this week-end, she met someone else, is there. I met him when the GF was off visiting her new BF. I have a roommate, who needs to walk from her room through my room to get to the rest of flat, so my place is out.)

He doesn't know my last name. He knows which building I live in (which needs a key and code to get into) but he doesn't know which flat I'm in. I know his full name, where he lives and where he works. And, I'm not doing anything illegal here so it's not as if he could try to get me busted. Erotic massage, prostitution, call it what you want, is legal in France, as long as I don't stand on the street and pay my taxes.

There's more to tell and more to ask you but this post is long enough. Sorry if it's poorly written; I'm pulling my hair out and have no clue how to handle this.


Anonymous said...

Just want to say that I love you CJ! Love your sense of humor and your writing style as well

Ryutso said...

Kinda off topic here, but no lie CJ, your blog is literally the #5 result of the first google page for "erotic massage".

Must be doin a damn good job and I still hope to make you my first erotic masseuse someday.

Anonymous said...

Read your post about the young guys developing crushes, and realized that's exactly what's happening to me. I get straight massages (no release) from a very pretty young gal, and boy have I got it bad for her! Thanks for the good blog!

Anonymous said...

heyy, im really trying to get into your business. i have no experience but from the one place a friend who used to work at told me about, the place said you dont need experience. im from ny and i thinkkkk youre from there also and not pennsylvania...but i was wondering if you knew any spot in the city that would hire a young pretty girl who doesnt have experience or certification but can give a good massage. i love your blog btw, its very informative and helped me secure the fact that i want to do this. im going to stay anonymous for now but i would like to give you contact info so i can find out more about places and the biz.

Joe said...

Anonymous, if you want to get into the business, your best bet would probably be to walk into one and ask for a job. If you are pretty, the owner will be interested in you and try to find a spot for you. If they don't have a spot try another one and so on. If you are not sure where to find them, look at CJ's post telling guys how to find them. You can find the post along the right hand side of the home page.

cj said...

To be honest, most of the applications have come back with little more than name and address. Maude even said a girl actually turned around and walked out. Who knows - our cover might be so good she thought she was in a legitimate parlor!

2nd to last Anon,
Email me directly.