Confessions of an Erotic TV Critic

Trina and I made it a point to sit down and watch the Client List. Made popcorn and everything. And after watching it we only had one question...

Where is this place and are they hiring?

Let me tell you, we laughed our asses off for an entire hour. And not just at the wildly fake stuff either - but at the parts they actually got right. I mean there were some bits in there where Trina and I just looked at each other and said "Remember that!?" I mean who hasn't left work to find the word "whore" spray painted on her car? Heck, around here we used to call that Tuesday.

Now I pray that no one who watches this crap thinks this is really what it's like inside a massage parlor. I could only dream of working in a place this fancy and with a clientele of very rich young men who apparently have a LOT of time to exercise. And the one guy who's not great looking is emotionally frail and wants to talk about his FEELINGS... which basically makes The Client List a perfect example of porn for women.

Let me tell ya, if I wasn't too busy laughing my ass off, I would have been taking care of my own business. But that doesn't mean it was all BS. In fact, they did manage to get some things right. For example:

1) The Rub actually reminded me a lot of the first place I worked. Not so much because it was all swank, but more of the dynamic between the girls. Everyone had a story, and between 6 different girls, there was no lack of drama.

2) Sensitive guys who want to talk. Believe it or not, some guys just want to talk. There is definitely something about being naked in front of a total stranger that can get men to talk about some of their deepest secrets. Some of the many roles I play in session (apart from schoolgirl and babysitter) is confidante and psychiatrist. They pour their hearts out and I listen and throw in my two cents. I don't know how many times I've listened to husbands ask for advice about their wives, and I help them out as best I can. Of course I still end up jerking them off afterwards, but at least they're trying to improve their relationships at home.

3) Occasional profanity scrawled on a car. OK - maybe not all that often, but we've all felt the wrath of an angry spouse who has finally tracked down where all those credit card statements have been coming from. Of course those confrontations never ended with the wife crying and begging for advice on pleasing her man.

Now for all the phony stuff. The biggest inaccuracies would probably be...

1) Plethora of hot young male customers. Forget it. Total fiction. Not in a million year. You want to know what our typical customers look like? Try visiting Walmart after 11pm on a Thursday night.

2) Boss with a heart of gold. Really? Total cliche. After all the stories I've told you about Audrey, how could anyone believe this. Most owners are either greedy women fighting you for customers, or pervy guys who are nothing more than pimps in polo shirts.

3) Endless supply of sexy lingerie. I have to admit that Jennifer looked good in each individual outfit she had for each customer, but truth of the matter is that I'm usually performing in my own bra and panties. And when a guy does bring in something for me to wear, it's usually the cheapest polyester made-in-china shit you can find in the clearance bin of K-Mart. Words cannot do justice to some of the tasteless ensembles I've been asked to wear. Of course, when most outfits are destined to be cum-stained trash at the end of the session, I guess the quality isn't terribly important.

4) Wives asking us for advice. Yeah right. Asking us to rot in hell and die, maybe - but not for advice.

I think this series has potential, but the problem is that it's totally for chicks - not dudes. And that's not surprising considering it's on Lifetime. What guys want is something on HBO that would feature lots of hot topless women who's actual job description is getting guys off. Now that would be the REAL Client List.

CJ