Friday, April 13, 2012

Confessions of an Erotic TV Critic

Trina and I made it a point to sit down and watch the Client List. Made popcorn and everything. And after watching it we only had one question...

Where is this place and are they hiring?

Let me tell you, we laughed our asses off for an entire hour. And not just at the wildly fake stuff either - but at the parts they actually got right. I mean there were some bits in there where Trina and I just looked at each other and said "Remember that!?" I mean who hasn't left work to find the word "whore" spray painted on her car? Heck, around here we used to call that Tuesday.

Now I pray that no one who watches this crap thinks this is really what it's like inside a massage parlor. I could only dream of working in a place this fancy and with a clientele of very rich young men who apparently have a LOT of time to exercise. And the one guy who's not great looking is emotionally frail and wants to talk about his FEELINGS... which basically makes The Client List a perfect example of porn for women.

Let me tell ya, if I wasn't too busy laughing my ass off, I would have been taking care of my own business. But that doesn't mean it was all BS. In fact, they did manage to get some things right. For example:

1) The Rub actually reminded me a lot of the first place I worked. Not so much because it was all swank, but more of the dynamic between the girls. Everyone had a story, and between 6 different girls, there was no lack of drama.

2) Sensitive guys who want to talk. Believe it or not, some guys just want to talk. There is definitely something about being naked in front of a total stranger that can get men to talk about some of their deepest secrets. Some of the many roles I play in session (apart from schoolgirl and babysitter) is confidante and psychiatrist. They pour their hearts out and I listen and throw in my two cents. I don't know how many times I've listened to husbands ask for advice about their wives, and I help them out as best I can. Of course I still end up jerking them off afterwards, but at least they're trying to improve their relationships at home.

3) Occasional profanity scrawled on a car. OK - maybe not all that often, but we've all felt the wrath of an angry spouse who has finally tracked down where all those credit card statements have been coming from. Of course those confrontations never ended with the wife crying and begging for advice on pleasing her man.

Now for all the phony stuff. The biggest inaccuracies would probably be...

1) Plethora of hot young male customers. Forget it. Total fiction. Not in a million year. You want to know what our typical customers look like? Try visiting Walmart after 11pm on a Thursday night.

2) Boss with a heart of gold. Really? Total cliche. After all the stories I've told you about Audrey, how could anyone believe this. Most owners are either greedy women fighting you for customers, or pervy guys who are nothing more than pimps in polo shirts.

3) Endless supply of sexy lingerie. I have to admit that Jennifer looked good in each individual outfit she had for each customer, but truth of the matter is that I'm usually performing in my own bra and panties. And when a guy does bring in something for me to wear, it's usually the cheapest polyester made-in-china shit you can find in the clearance bin of K-Mart. Words cannot do justice to some of the tasteless ensembles I've been asked to wear. Of course, when most outfits are destined to be cum-stained trash at the end of the session, I guess the quality isn't terribly important.

4) Wives asking us for advice. Yeah right. Asking us to rot in hell and die, maybe - but not for advice.

I think this series has potential, but the problem is that it's totally for chicks - not dudes. And that's not surprising considering it's on Lifetime. What guys want is something on HBO that would feature lots of hot topless women who's actual job description is getting guys off. Now that would be the REAL Client List.



melissa said...

What a great post! I completely agree. Although I do get the occasional hot client, mostly from the oil fields. And who has time to light that many candles per session.

whoresandhookers said...

>>>I don't know how many times I've listened to husbands ask for advice about their wives, and I help them out as best I can. Of course I still end up jerking them off afterwards...

Ha. You have quite the sense of humor. Have you considered a job in Hollywood writing scripts?

Not much marital advice at the AMP. I suspect that's where the young studs hang out, due to ease of access -- one practically on every corner, apparently with longterm immunity to police prosecution.

John Smith said...

I am more open to the girls I don't want to pursue a relationship with. I think it has to do with the idea that I can tell them most things in my life, and they won't end the business relationship. And I also take comfort in knowing that the girl don't really care about my life and that she'll forget it all in an hour or two. So why not just let it all out, and get as much off your chest as possible. Even better is when they don't speak English well, so they nod and smile.

New Guy said...

Doesn't have anything to do with this particular post...but I had my cherry popped today. Found probably the only place in town with a happy ending!

Oh! My! Damn!

No dinner, no movie, no begging, no third date maneuvering. I did make sure to tip her very well.

*happy sigh*

Mr Curious said...

I have been reading your blog for a week, and I have a few questions about the industry(can sound weird to you)

1. Are there hidden cameras in the room? (For security or making porn)

2. Are there some secret passages in rooms just in case of raiding?

3. Is sabotaging between competitors common? (For sabotaging means reporting your competitors to the police, or even go as far as setting them a trap with a male staff)

3 sounds a bit crazy right? But what I heard was usually sex-related industries are usually backed by gangs and mafias as a front for money laundering.

Don't worry I'm not a film maker, I just like to study shady things.

lana ashley said...

Does it make me a whore if I want to do this for a living? Because I really do lol. How does a lady get a job like this? Maybe I will just have to dream.

John Smith said...

For lack of a better word, I would say yes. With the way you look, there will be a lot of guys that appreciate your service(s) too.

But, like CJ said, don't expect all well toned muscle guys will be on your table. In one backpage ad for my area, a girl explicitly stated that she does not want to massage guys with hairy backs.

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jackiebabe said...

I absolutely love your blog, I need me a job like this, how can I find one in Atlanta, GA? Any advice?

Anonymous said...

anyone had problems with clients who pretended to want to date only to sleep with you...for free naturally? please TELL. thanks

Anonymous said...

I live in NYC, and provide service in hotels only. My clients have been pretty decent, I've had a few who try AND TRY to get freebies, usually by mentioning how much they like me and how much they want to get to know me right before asking me out on a "date" as in FREEBIE. I'd never fall for it, but please let me know (anyone) who have been through this before and what they did to deal with it. thanks...J

lana ashley said...

I wouldn't care about toned guys or if the guys had hairy backs. I would happily rub out every guy that paid. Maybe I am a whore at heart lol.

brave one said...

jackiebabe - Atlanta is like the massage mecca in my opinion and the easiest place to find a job like that. Just look under "adult jobs" on or look on craigslist under "salon/spa/fitness" for an ad that says "attractive female needed". Just make sure it's not an incall brothel. There are a lot of those in Atlanta, where an old lady rents an apartment full of bedrooms and women just shag all day long. If it's like that, or if a guy wants you to give him a "sample" of your work before you're hired, run! And don't be surprised if your car breaks down and your client fixes it for you -- Atlanta is a big city but all the men are Southern gentlemen who love to work on cars.
Anyone else who wants to try this out after watching a Lifetime show, go ahead! It's a damn hard job and you'll find out if you're cut out for it real fast!