Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It Never Rains....

Hi guys.  Sorry it's been so long but all the drama around here makes it hard to think sometimes.  And to make it worse, it's all crap I don't want to talk about.  Makes for no inspiration in the story department.  But to sum things up, I guess you could say a lot has happened over the last couple of weeks...

1) Derek and I finally had it out
2) Tax refund season has kicked in
3) We hired a new girl
4) Trina is sluttier than I thought
5) Cindy borrowed money from me
6) Audrey wants back in (kinda)

Now outta all that, the only thing I'm really in the mood to talk about are taxes and maybe the new girl.  Everything else kinda makes my palms sweat, and my breathing shallow.  And I start to see red.  Or cry.  You get my meaning.

Now let me start off by saying that it's nice that all the assholes finally stopped posting their guesses as to where I am located.  I can breathe a sigh of relief over that one and I once again thank Eric for taking care of that little problem for me.  This seems to happen every now and then, and it drives me nuts each time.  I mean, I wish I could just tell the world who I am and where I am, but then again, this is puritanical America and I'd probably be hauled off to jail for that most serious of crimes  -- jerking guys off.  

Anyway, tax season is finally at an end, which means it's my favorite season of all - tax refund season.  That is a massage parlors best time of the year.  And it's probably because when you combine all that stress and agony over preparing your taxes, with the giant sigh of relief of getting a big fat check in the mail, you get that perfect storm.  And what do you do when you're a stressed out guy with a fistful of cash?  You crack open that phone book and find your local massage parlor!

Or strip club, or liquor store.  If you're from around here, maybe the bait and tackle shop.

And let me take a moment here to address all you newbies out there that have been asking me questions on how to find your local parlor.  Businesses are all around you, all you have to do is look.  Hell, I had one guy tell me that he read in the paper that a parlor was open right down the street from his house in the middle of a neighborhood!  The only reason it finally got busted was because the Mama-san who ran the place told the neighbors who politely asked her to turn off the flood lights in the driveway to go fuck themselves.  But my point is that we're a lot closer than you think.

The easiest place to look is the phone book.  Really.  Just crack it open to "massage."  Now skip any place that says "LMT" or "Hair and nails" in the description.  Next, skip any place that sounds asian, and you're probably looking at an ad for a good old fashioned American massage parlor.  OBVIOUS tips in the ad - look for late hours and the words "now hiring."  I don't know why a lot of places want you to know that they're hiring, they just are.  

If the yellow pages don't work for you, try your local weekly entertainment paper.  You know the kind - the free ones in front of the supermarket.   Chances are the back pages are filled with ads for escorts and massage parlors.  

One customer told me that the way he found out about The Business was from a news story on television.  It was all about how a local prostitution ring was busted operating inside some guys house.  But what was so great about the story was that it pointed out 3 very important details:

1)  Escort agencies and parlors place ads in the back of entertainment papers.
2)  This guys business charged $250/hour.
3) This price was "high."

I don't know who writes their news stories, but thanks to him he basically told everyone in the tri-state area where to find a Business.  How much to expect to pay.  And based on the news man's personal experience he has never paid more than $250.

And last but not least there is the internet.  Those of you who have read most of this nonsense I call a blog may have noticed that I don't endorse the internet as a place to find parlors.  That is because The Business does not advertise that way (we are soooooooo 90's).   Not that you won't find something on Craigslist or any of the multiple escort/parlor websites out there.  The problem is that you never know what you're going to get.  

We are a good old fashioned Business located in a dedicated space in a building that you can drive to, walk around, read our sign, chat with Maude, etc.  In cyberspace you don't know what you're getting yourself into.  Hell - anyone remember that guy who robbed and killed girls on craigslist?  A lot of amateur masseuse wannabees are out there, and with only a few minutes of typing, they can convince you they are the erotic masseuse of your dreams.  

But when you get there, you discover it's really a women twice the age she described who looks nothing like the Glamour shot she sent you, inside her dirty, cigarette-smoke filled apartment.  And nothing ruins the mood of a full-body sensual massage quicker than spotting the waste paper basket filled with used condoms and the baby crying in the other room.

THAT is why I suggest you just start with a phone book.  Now cash that damn check and get your ass in here!



Anonymous said...

Really, really, CJ. How could you possibly not want to talk about Trina being sluttier than you thought?

I am just a midwestern guy who is a big fan of you and your blog, wishing you all the best.

Tacologic said...

What's a phone book?

SandraM said...

Wait, you never mentioned the new girl. What's up with that?

I think talking about Trina would be as popular with your readers as a trashy soap opera. Enlighten us.

All right, be tight lipped about what's-his-name. Just answer this: Is he gone for good?

Kaley said...

CJ, you've returned! I'm sorry that you're life's so awful, it puts everything into perspective. Who said bad things come in groups of threes? Hope everything turns around soon - maybe those tax refunders will help brighten things, eh?

Anonymous said...

All time favorite was with a buddy in Dallas a few years ago. Walking out of a porno shop at 4am, there was a place called The Swedish Institute with their neon open sign flashing. I told him that it we hadn't blown so much money at the strip clubs, I'd go get a "massage", yes I included the the finger quotes. He asked if it was really "that" kind of place. So I read him the huge interstate billboard that could be seen from the lot. Among other things it said, "Open 24 hrs. Selectively hiring." Just in case the 50ft remotely Swedish-looking blonde in a latex nurses outfit didn't tell you what you needed to know.

NeverlandWanderer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SandraM said...


It's posted here. Click on the CJ next to her pic and you'll get her profile. There is an email link there. Or you can use this in your own email server:


sevencard2003 said...

who can i trust in Joliet IL?

SandraM said...

Jake and Elwood!

Sorry, it was just sitting there, I had to hit it out of the park.

Shannon Rae said...

I would love to hear more about you and Derek! I'm kinda surprised you guys are still together after the last description from Valentine's Day. I'm dying to hear how you ended it with him. (See how I did that there? All passively aggressively mentioned you guys should end it)