Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I need to get laid

I think I've discovered why I've been so blah lately. It was exactly 1 year ago that I had my last real romantic vacation getaway with Derek. After that, things just got busy for both of us, and then they just started to go downhill from there. There were no romantic getaways after that. Shortly after I took on responsibility for this shithole full time, and it was only recently that I had enough staff to take even a little trip to the Poconos.


So basically I need to get laid. I mean L...A...I...D - LAID.
I knew I was in trouble when customers started to look good. I get asked out a couple times a week by customers. When you weed out the ones that are just polite ways of asking if I'm full service outside of work, I figure I get a serious invite to go out on a date about once a month.
Well a new customer asked me out last week and I may have sort of implied that I might consider it. Now let me tell you something - if you think it might be awkward asking out someone AFTER you've seen them naked and given you an orgasm, you would be 100% correct. It's weird for them and it's weird for me.
It's basically dating in reverse order. Usually you take a girl out to in the hopes you'll impress her and eventually get lucky. In my case, you've already gotten lucky, and now you're offering to impress me.
Well, I already know that you're the kind of guy that goes to massage parlors to get handjobs from strange women you've just met. And I know what your "O" face looks like, so you're already in the negative points to start off with. What are you going to do now - tell me you're a God fearing Christian who loves his mama?
I've said it before and I'll say it again - it NEVER works out with customers. They either expect to get laid after your first date at Chili's, or they suspect you're getting laid by every other customer except him. Never dating a customer is one of the cardinal rules of working in a massage parlor.
And this is exactly why I lied to you guys just now and I actually went out with a customer last weekend. I didn't think I'd confess it when I sat down at the computer tonight, but after going on and on about how it's such a bad idea, I guess I just felt like I had to come clean.
Weird thing is that there really isn't much to mention about it. He did take me to Chili's. And it was OK. And he spent half the night trying to convince me that "I never went to a massage parlor before..." But he was so taken by me that "I had to get to know you."
Blah blah blah. And in case you were wondering - I didn't laid. So even after enduring 90 minutes of listening to him try to convince me that he's "not like the others" I didn't even get lucky. I think it had to do with the fact that the entire time he was talking I couldn't help but think of how absolutely stupid his "O" face looked. I mean it was really bad - eyes crossed, lips puckered, and he made a sort of "EEE...EEE...EEE" sound. Just the thought of having to see that again, only inches from my face this time, just totally turned me off.
And this is just one of the many reasons why dating in reverse is such a bad idea.
CJ





28 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you'd have plenty of volunteers from your site willing to help.

:P

J.R. Brown said...

While I enjoy the whole message parlor thing I do think it would be really odd to date someone you met there.

I guess it might pay to date a "pro"

I'm up for it (pun intended)

Craftypants Carol said...

Wow that made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Well u haven't seen my O face so let me take u out on a date : )

Micheal said...

Dear CJ,

I am sorry to hear that you have a sex problem. Based on my experience, girls don't get orgasm, until they totally open their mind. So, I would be very surprised if a girl can get it in the relationship with a stranger, unless the stranger is a "George Clooney level" guy. So, honestly, If I were you, I would not waste my time to look for a date with customers (George Clooney will not visit your place, because girls are always available for him anyway).

Instead, I suggest you to revive the relationship with Derek. He seems a sweet guy, caring about you. Invite him to your house, and prepare a nice dinner. Wine will be good too. You can confess that you have been so busy recently because of lots of new duties, but say you love him. Then, he will respond appropriately.

Sex is important, CJ. So, manage it wisely. I love you so much, and good luck with Derek,

Your fan, Micheal.

Welsh Terrier World said...

I never laughed so much, reading your description of "It's basically dating in reverse order"...How true!
I have a different face when I have a "happy ending orgasm" than when I'm having a passionate face to face orgasm. I'd try it again with him, who knows, maybe you will have the funny "O" face!

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ,
I've a question for your next Q&A session ..

I finally got the guts to try the erotic massage after reading your blog, I did some online search, and picked one place (not Chinese) and called, the girl seemed very nice, yet, she said she can't take more customers as she is very busy, could this be true?

I asked her if she can recommend someone, she said what exactly are you looking for, I said (I would love to try the fullbody, relaxation massage, thing..).

she said, OK, and gave me another girl's number, what do you think about this? do you think she understood? do you think she is really busy or avoiding me? and do you think I should give the second girl a call?

Anonymous said...

I will be happy to take care of your needs. There are only a few minor problems that need to be overcome.
1. I live a couple thousand miles away or so.
2. I'm in a monogamous relationship. I don't even go to MPs.
3. I am to old for you.

If we can just overcome these minor difficulties your problem will be solved.

J.J.

JustJoe said...

So its not just the guys who think below the belt and do stupid things?

I feel better now.

Harry Krishnah said...

I'm now convinced this blog is fake and contrived. It's just too good. Please keep it going. I thoroughly enjoy it.

Dan said...

Love your blog, your honesty. Even with yourself. I never miss your posts. C.J., dear woman, you make your living delivering part of the equation, as sex has many parts as does love. You deliver part of sex. All are important pieces, as you know, and this is why “even when it’s bad, it’s good”. We hunger for the whole meal I guess. I once (having read about it) did my first “two in the pink, one in the stink” move on a dear woman I dated for three months as we contemplated intercourse and love. She called my finger there a “reverse order” thing. Exciting as all of our heavy petting was then (I must sound 64 and married), our aim was to see if we “clicked”, and if so, to put our hearts together. I once required a women to sleep celibate naked with me and do breakfast before I’d be sexual with them. A reverse order thing I suppose. If you are laser focused and honest about what you both want, I think any order will work. You are way too evolved for most guys…but keep looking. A good man is out there.

Shannon Rae said...

Ugh, he sounds dreadful. The whole convincing you he's not like the others and he didn't even give you a happy ending....what a shame. You bring up some great points about the reverse dating idea....and how it doesn't really work, unless you're really looking for some sex. Even though you didn't have any.

Anonymous said...

Breaking a Cardinal rule....Doesn't that defeat the purpose of having a cardinal rule?

Alexa Salinger said...

Awesome writing C.J.! You are too funny.

Your post reminds us girls that we really can't date clients, even the hot single ones.

findinit said...

Lose weight and get in better shape you'll be able to find a guy outside of work who actually excites you and would consider investing his time and money in you.

Anonymous said...

You don't need to get laid...you just need to watch a Kane Roberts video... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wj97tAlqogY

your welcome:)lol

Anonymous said...

Thanks for writing. I'm an LMT doing more outcalls, and trying to figure out where my professional line is, and my emotional grounding. I mean $200 for an hour's work, while the guy clearly has a boner, or $60 for a massage where the guy is sweet? The tips are very different (non-existant, to 20% of an already high fee.) Do the math. Anyway, for love I have a husband, that doesn't know.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time poster. Some of you other readers are fucking dorks! This post wasn't about her lifelong search for love and Mr. Right, she said she was trying get some dick! So fuck off with your dating advice! Haha, Jesus, some of yall sound like old ladies. Quit watching Oprah!

CJ, I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog. You are a talented writer with a good sense of humor, and I enjoy your unique perspective of the human condition. I am sometimes frustrated by how many of your posts consist of you breaking your own rules. And I understand there has to be an element of turmoil and conflict to keep the narrative engaging, but to repeatedly hear you say that you know you're "not supposed to" and that something is "against the rules," be it yours or someone else's, knowing full well why you dont want to break them, isnt fresh or entertaining. I mean, everybody makes mistakes. But you are making mistakes that you know are mistakes, telling us the whole time that is a mistake because, and then expecting us to be suprised when its a mistake? Come on!

How many times have you told us its weird to date customers? How many times have you told us why? Wow! You went on to chilis with a guy you jerked off and you didnt want to date him because you know he goes to massage parlors? Thats fascinating! Especially since you have told us like 4 times how you would never seriously date someone who went to massage parlors! I thought this time was going to be different.

Of course, there are some people on here who were expecting you to find Mr Right apparently :p Dorks.

There is just one other thing I don't get about this post-why are you HAVING to resort to MP guys for your dating pool? Whats wrong with a sports bar? I have to think if there are some guys willing to pay a hundred bucks to see you naked and jerk their dicks there HAS to be at least a couple of guys at any given bar willing to buy you a drink. My. 02

Ginger said...

Before I met my domestic partner/love of my life/boytoy, I went out with regular once. It was....strange and awkward for me. Seeing clients outside of sessions is never a good idea. Anyway, I feel very lucky I've found someone so loving, trusting and supportive in all things I do.

Anonymous said...

Hi i am from india and i have frequented a few massage palours in mumbai and it good to hear that the same things goes on outside my country too I have stopped going there now that i am in a steady relationship but this blog of yours i discovered today and read all the posts sure brought back 'memories'. Thanks looking forward to your posts

Erotiblog said...

Great Post CJ.
AC

Anonymous said...

Tell us the shower story

Micheal said...

CJ,

I am just curious, so I would like to ask you politely. Have you ever felt orgasm during sex with a stranger?

Anonymous said...

CJ,
I'm not really sure how I stumbled into this blog tonight, but I've been fascinated with it for the last 6 hours.

I haven't read everything, but I've bounced around this site and read a fair amount. I have no idea what kind of masseuse you are, but you are a fantastic writer. I should know. I get paid to write and you should, too.

Not sure if you know this, but comedy is the most difficult form of writing. Making people laugh is incredibly difficult, yet you've had me cracking up most of the night. I just read the "dead guy" narcoleptic post and had tears in my eyes from laughing.

There is tremendous material here. Book publishers would snatch this stuff up. It's a little risque, but it's fantastic. I know you want to protect your identity, and believe me, I need to protect mine, too. A colleague of mine recently was published by Harper-Collins, one of the largest publishing companies in the country. I don't think you have any idea what you're sitting on here.

If you have any interest in discussing this further, let's find a way to talk. I'm a happily married man with no interest in you or your business. I just think you're sitting on a gold mine and you may or may not realize it.

Anonymous said...

CJ,
I'm not really sure how I stumbled into this blog tonight, but I've been fascinated with it for the last 6 hours.

I haven't read everything, but I've bounced around this site and read a fair amount. I have no idea what kind of masseuse you are, but you are a fantastic writer. I should know. I get paid to write and you should, too.

Not sure if you know this, but comedy is the most difficult form of writing. Making people laugh is incredibly difficult, yet you've had me cracking up most of the night. I just read the "dead guy" narcoleptic post and had tears in my eyes from laughing.

There is tremendous material here. Book publishers would snatch this stuff up. It's a little risque, but it's fantastic. I know you want to protect your identity, and believe me, I need to protect mine, too. A colleague of mine recently was published by Harper-Collins, one of the largest publishing companies in the country. I don't think you have any idea what you're sitting on here.

If you have any interest in discussing this further, let's find a way to talk. I'm a happily married man with no interest in you or your business. I just think you're sitting on a gold mine and you may or may not realize it.

How to Get Laid said...

Hi There,
your post is too good. interesting blog........

Anonymous said...

Vibrator. Enuf said.

Jeff said...

C.J.,

I know exactly what you're going through and the frustration that comes with it. I hope you're able to resolve it sooner than I have. :)