Friday, January 25, 2008

Boyfriends - or - How can you date someone when you spend all day jerking guys off

Yes - I have a boyfriend. His name is Tom (not his real name – duh). One of my friends read my earlier post that mentions him and said it would be interesting to talk about. So what’s it like to be in my line of business and have a boyfriend? Well let me tell ya.

No – he doesn’t know. Why? Because I’ve learned over the years that it’s just simpler. He thinks I’m a shampooer at a day salon. It’s a good cover since I technically work in a spa - but instead of washing the blue hair of old ladies, I’m giving handjobs to bald businessmen. Same difference, right? Complaining at the end of the day about customers, co-workers, business – it’s all pretty much the same. And luckily Tom doesn’t ask too many questions.

So why not tell him you ask? Yeah Right! Let me tell you the rules of dating when you’re in “The Business.”

Rule #1 – Don’t date the customers.
For some reason, this is NOT self explanatory. My first boss explained this to me when I first starting working for her. Dating customers ALWAYS ends badly. No exceptions. The pattern is always the same. At first it’s fine because they act like they're soooooo understanding of your job. Next, they start to brag about their job, how much money they earn, and how you should really consider getting out of the business and letting them take care of you.

Then the jealousy starts.
It finally dawns on them that you meet guys all day long who claim to be rich – just like them. Then they remember that you're willing to go out with a customer – just like them. Eventually they accuse you of banging every customer, stalking you in the parking lot, claiming you used them for money, following customers home, and finally... threatening to call the police on the business. HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

This doesn’t mean I won’t go out with a customer. In fact, I’ve had some of the best times hanging with guys outside the business. The difference I think is that when a customer asks you out on a date, they assume that you’re as trampy in your personal life as you are in your professional life. WRONG. A $100 tip gets you a topless handjob at work. A $100 dinner gets you nothing if you’re an asshole. Now a customer that truly asks you out as a friend is really showing me a tremendous amount of respect. He’s basically saying he wants to spend time with me not because of what I do for a living, but in spite of it.

Rule #2 – Don’t tell your boyfriend what you do.
This rule has a dozen exceptions that I won’t go into. But in general, my colleagues and I agree that a clueless boyfriend is much easier to deal with than a nosy one for all the reasons that I described above. I’ve tried to come clean with some guys in the past, and it usually ends in jealousy, mistrust, and accusations of cheating. And every fight usually includes the word “whore" from then on.

Now this doesn’t mean that all of us erotic massage therapists hide our business life from our partners. I’ve even known a couple of married women who’s husbands get off on the fact that their wife is a “sex worker” - and get off even more on their paychecks.

Rule #3 – Don’t ever feel guilty about Rules 1 and 2.
It’s not worth it. Besides, does anyone really truly know what their partner does for a living? At the beginning of the day I walk into a spa, and at the end of the day I walk out of one. What happens in between is really academic and most guys don’t
really give a shit anyway. When I tell guys I'm a shampooer, their eyes usually glaze over, then they go back to staring at my tits.

Look at Tom for example. He runs a small construction crew. They work on houses and stuff, but do I really know EXACTLY what he does all day? I have no clue. He could be doing lines off some whore’s ass in downtown Pottsville while his guys do all the building stuff – I don’t know. I may ask him how his day went when he comes home, but he doesn’t really go into detail, and neither do I. He doesn't really give a crap how my day goes, so why would he care about the messy little details? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Well, my right hand is more tired than usual, so I’m gonna sign off now. If anyone is reading this crap PLEASE ask me some more questions. I’ll probably tell you more about past boyfriends later, and maybe then some of this may make sense. See ya later.



Anonymous said...

it's tough being an entertainer. I can relate. I do stand up comedy. Which, in my mind, is quite similar. (although i give slightly less handjobs.)

you're an entertainer. you takes people's minds off their daily boring existence by using your natural and aquired talents.

being funny, charasmatic, charming, that's my job. that's also what happens to attract other's to me (it certainly isn't my ursine body) .

I'd assume people are attracted to you becuase you are caring, attentive, and giving. Which is also your job.

so. my relationships usually end up going to hell because I'm good at what I did to attract them. And I do it over and over again.

it makes sense in my head, but then again I did jsut eat an entire half gallon of rockey road ice cream with a tear-n-share package of peanut mnms mixed in and 4 xanax.

personally, after reading all (yea. all of them. even the ones that sound like transcipts of high school girl's talking shit, but with better handjobs.) i think your job is unique. and i'd totally date a young lady in your profession.

then becaome incredibly jealous and possesive because i'm a spoiled insecure child like every other guy.

ok. enough rambling. heres a question. what do you do in the event your client can't "make it happen"? Or are you just so good it's never happened? Is there a point where you just sit down, have a smoke, and watch him try to finish himself off? perhaps theres some type of industry secret prostate electro stimulator. If not, I'm totally inventing that.

whooo. anyhow, thanks for writing the blog, I look forward to your updates.


cj said...

Dear Grub,

You must be a comedian because you made me laugh with your comments!

Anyway, my general rule is "5 minutes then you're on your own." There have been plenty of times where a guy doesn't finish. Sometimes it's their fault for jerking off BEFORE coming in (just to make my job harder). Others may be on medication, and some just have issues.

I learned early on that some guys will deliberately try to last, just so they get extra long hand attention. My co-workers clued me in on the scam, so that's when I came up with my rule.

It's funny, I never really considered myself as an "entertainer" before. I'd say I'm more of a "therapist." LOL


Anonymous said...

i dunno, going to my therapist is a fantastic source of entertainment.

trying to see if i can lie to someone whose job is to discover people's innermost thoughts is fun.

she thinks i'm a former heroin addict who cuts, has bisexual orgies, has severe abandonment issues, and is afraid of dogs.

boy did i fool her... I love dogs!!! JOKES ON YOU AND YOUR FANCY DIPLOMA DR. JESSICA!

anyhow, to be a powerful person, any sort of human interaction involves some kind of massage. Ego or otherwise. Making someone do what you want and have them think it was their own good idea. Works wonders in nearly every situation.
Then again, i'm at heart a horrible manipulative monster, so that may factor in a tad as well.

thanks for the answer. that's kind of a dick move, jerking off before a erotic massage. thats like drinking a fifth of southern comfort and spinning around in circles for 10 minutes til you throw up, then going to Six Flags.

Or like when I tie all my blankets and towels into a big knot and pour shampoo all over them whenever i leave a hotel room on the road. you know, just to give the cleaning lady something to do. you're welcome, Cecilia in Oklahoma City, for bringing some fun to your day.

i'll talk to you tommorow on our own private little comment chat! it's like being in a treehouse club when we were kids, except without all the genetail mutilation and cough medicine abuse.


Anonymous said...

On jerking off before a session with a provider: ever seen an over-excited guy explode just as you put your hands on him? And did you give him a discount? That's what I thought.

Funny how women think. Like we're machines. He blew his load = job well done. Well, we also want (JUST LIKE YOU GIRLS) to enjoy a session, be it HJ, BJ, or FS, especially when we PAY FOR IT. The more we last, the more pleasurable, the more bang for the buck. But a "scam"? Come on. How do you call getting someone off ASAP to get him out the door before his time is up?

I can see why a whore wouldn't like it (it's even better if the poor bastard creams his pants so you don't even have to touch him, right?), but THAT's our logic.

I had the opposite game going with a particular provider. Because at my age I'm not at risk of premature anything, I would NOT masturbate for days before seeing her. At money shot time, she'd marvel at the amount that came out ("There's like 10 babies in there!"). I just got a kick out of it. Yes, we do enjoy some of the reactions. We're men - we like body functions.
So we don't all do the pre-massage one-on-one dance.

Now quoting you: Anyway, my general rule is "5 minutes then you're on your own."
Um, can you repeat that? I dunno whether to call you a therapist or an entertainer, at least we know you're a blogger, but here's a story for you, from those AMPs you hate so much:

The AMP might've been Korean, but I'm not sure. The girl's name was Yoko and she was Japanese. I know because I speak a bit of her language. She's the one who took my full-service-monger cherry.

At the time I was already in my 40's, under medication, and depressed. So hot as she was, I was not only taking time to come, but struggling to stay hard.
Well Yoko, after the usual AMP FS routine (quick massage followed by BJ and sex) tried all the positions she knew for almost an hour.
I ended up spent, and after an attempt at standing doggie, she finished me on the table with a HJ. I didn't hear ONE complaint.
She had asked for $120 and I got $160 because of her efforts and because we had hit it off (she asked for my number).

I have to add that once the tip agreed upon (and most Asians don't even mention money), there was NEVER a discussion of more money for whatever we did, and I only paid at the end of the session.

I ended up coming back 3 times, always tipping $160, so having made an extra $120 she offered a freebie on my last visit! That's right: an hour of sex for nothing. I think I gave her $200 instead, knowing that she had plans to fly back to Japan and could use the cash.

Now why have I never seen her again, you ask? Simple: her AMP was shut down, her best friend and boss arrested, and since she was lucky to have been off the day of the raid, she just went back to Japan in a hurry, scared and disgusted (or so she told me on the phone).

So for those who'd be annoyed at the many comments I've made here in defense of AMPs and attacking those who rat them out, you have a clue right there why I'm so mad at CJ.
There was no "slavery" going on and no victims to rescue. But a competitor of joints like CJ's staffed with chicks who work very hard to please the clientele and for a fraction of the cost... THAT had to go. Can't have a black window in the neighborhood!

I've met many other full service gals since, and had many similar experiences (some even better), but never forgot Yoko or what happened. You keep hatin'.

Anonymous said...

Men... she charges way too much...go to a asian massage parlor...not a brothel but one that does the exact same thing she does at a fraction of the cost...and that is why she is so against them...not for illegal trafficking etc but they are competition... learn how to safe time and money getting your happy Ending @