Thursday, August 4, 2011
Freak of the Week - Me
Hey guys. I know it's been a while. Since I've gone independent, it's not that I'm busier - in fact it's quite the opposite. It's just that things have kinda moved in a direction I wasn't expecting and I really didn't want to talk about it.
But this whole blog thing is supposed to be about me "confessing," right? Well, confessing about what customers do is one thing, but confessing about what I do is something else.
And that has been the problem lately.
You see, I've always gotten a kick outta telling stories about the guys that came into The Business. And as far as I was concerned, it was never really about me since I pretty much did what I always do:
1) Take off clothes
2) Massage
3) Happy Ending
It was the customers that would mix it up and make things interesting. Now that I'm not at The Business anymore, the dynamic has changed. I no longer have to follow my script, watch a clock, or obey Audrey's rules. In fact, whatever happens between 2 consenting adults in a room all by themselves is perfectly OK - right?
And this is the problem I've been having lately. My outcall sessions have become less like erotic massage and more like (for lack of a better word) dates. And if that sounds creepy it's because it is. I mean it's fine when a session is pure business (see steps 1-3 above), but when a personal component gets added, it can be uncomfortable (i.e. "I brought a bottle of wine...").
A couple of times now, the guys have combined dinner with their sessions. Now don't get me wrong - I love Olive Garden as much as the next girl - but it starts to get awkward when I have to make another excuse to Derek WHY I'm busy again at night, and WHY I smell like garlic.
And that's another thing - my schedule has become mostly a night one. At The Business, we got all the walk-ins during the day between the truckers, traveling salesmen, and the lunch crowd. With my best Regulars, it's local guys who have had the ability to see me on a routine basis. And hotel rooms are much easier to get in the afternoons than the mornings...
Then there's the sessions themselves. When there's no more clock watching, the guys want to take their sweet time getting started. I don't mind small talk, but get those damn clothes off and let's get to business! And even the most straightlaced of the bunch now wants me to do a striptease, or put on some lingerie, or whatever - stuff they never asked for at The Business.
And finally, there are the cuddlers. Right after their happy ending, they want to just "...cuddle for a minute." Well, on a massage table that's just damn impossible. But on outcall it's always a bed we're on. And cuddling on a bed is just really really uncomfortable with a customer. But the saving grace is that the guys are already spent and aren't in any condition to start any monkey business.
So there you have it. Since quitting The Business and going independent, I'm slowly turning into the escort equivalent of your girlfriend in 9th grade - you get to touch a boob and get a handjob.
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51 comments:
I fear you're losing yourself, CJ. Look down the road on which you're headed, decide if you really want to go there, and stop now if you don't. What exactly is the long-term plan, here?
Good luck, honey. I have faith in you, and I think you need to see what you can do during the day, since you do apparently have more time then. You're not happy, you're probably less happy than you were at The Business (I don't know what happened, but...).
I don't know you, but it's hard to see you go through this. I'm thinking of you and praying for you. And not in the judgy for your soul way, but just so you'll be happy, honey. You're so talented at writing. You have a great deal you can do. Lots of hugs.
I'll tell you what everyone else in your position as ever been told - stop before it's too late.
It really is hard to watch this. Please, go work as a waitress, a hostess, go work in radio sales, go do something. There are plenty of jobs out there for an attractive woman. Plus, you're intelligent, which will probably be a detriment in the interview, but will help you in the upward mobility department.
There's a blog out there of a 40 year old stripper who made many of the same type of rationales as you.. "well, I don't do bottomless," "well, I don't touch," "well, I still have my writing," and finally, she's gone. Who knows what happened.
Get your self-esteem back. Write some. Go to an open mic night at a comedy club. There is a reason random people like me read your blog, and it's not virtual cleavage - it's your skill in communicating and entertaining. Find ways to utilize those things.
Best of luck to you!
I'm glad you shared this, but I'm with the other in being concerned. First of all, if you really want to keep this from Derek, going out is ridiculously risky. Eventually someone who knows you and Derek will see you. Second: I've done outcall massage and the rules were no different than incall. There is no reason you have to let these guys change the rules on you. You set the rules. Bed or massage table, should make no difference. And that's IF you really want to keep doing happy ending massage. I realize the money is good, and as someone who has enjoyed a lot of them I am grateful for women who do it and do it well. Just be honest with yourself about what you want in life at this time; you'll be fine.
Dear CJ,
I just read your blog from beginning to end. Please keep posting more. If you stop posting things idk what I'll do with the like 3 hours of the day I spend reading this thing everyday. Btw good luck with everythig you're doing and I hope things get better for you.
CJ, you are really worrying me. The slope is slippery and you are starting to slide. You can do whatever you want, you don't need to go here.
Hi CJ,
as an avid follower of your blog I can only repeat what has been said already, it's a slippery slope. Make up your mind which way you want to go. The way you are heading what will happen is someone will see you out, word will get back to Derek and it will be tears all round. And big time. If you insist on going to these "dates" you have to let Derek know. Ff you can't/won't/don't want to let him know, then stop going out on these dates. Best thing is get yourself one of those portable massage tables and take it with you. Not only does it remove the bed, it adds an element of legit massage to your story. You make the rules, not the client.
CJ you are far too intelligent to keep on that path.
I think it's great you went indy. But I suppose you have to go through a learning curve of controlling the situation better. My massage girl is great at letting me know ok time to go without saying it. If cuddling isn't your thing then find a way to move it in another direction.
I think the lines are getting a little blurry for you - comments you've made in two or three recent posts make me think that... not just this one.
I hope I'm wrong. Good luck with all of this :)
PS Get that massage table. A man and a woman on a bed is a date.
suddenly, hundreds of anon comments hit closer to home.
you can either just go pro, or you can take a pay cut and go legit. your call.
good luck with your choice. don't fuck it up.
Yeah but you left out a key component of all of this...I suspect (hoping for you) that you are raking in the dough!
I'm just joining the choir here.
1) Buy a massage table
2) Bring the same attitude and price list to the transaction
3) Enforce the rules the 1st time and every time
4) Keep an eye on the clock and stick with a schedule.
Just 'cause it's in a hotel room doesn't mean it's anything different.
Ahh, that confusion before the realization that you will be an "official prostitute" soon. The oats bashing married guys as "cheaters" and you are hiding it from derek.
You might think derek is unaware, that is your ego talking . 10-1 he has someone on the side, 12-1 its someone you know. 20-1 its someone from your old job ( my guess is audrey)
I hope some johns turn you out to the who're you are, it would make it easier on yourself.
I just spent my workday reading all your posts. Your talents go far beyond getting guys off. Put some non sexual writing samples together and get a job as a junior writer. Don't waste this gift.
CJ,
Why dont you rent a room or a small office somewhere and set up your own incall? Alternatively, why not just set up your own business? You practically ran the last place. Would be easy to bring your favorite girls along, and wha-la - the business you've talked about running someday and you get to set all the rules.
Keep us posted!
Buy a massage table! Those foldy portable ones. And maybe you can do regular massages, no happy endings, for other people who aren't regulars and just happen to need a massage! Hell even get some of bf's friends on the table. If he finds out you can do massages he can recommend you to people he knows. It may be a little less lucrative, but it may help you sleep better and not smell like garlic.
YOU CAN DOO EET.
I agree with Advizor54 but would add that you should rent a studio so you don't have to go to their house. As an independent, I'd never do outcall!
It sounds like none of this is making you happy. Maybe time for a change?
CJ,
I'm with MelissaBlade . . . rent a studio. You can control all the "action" and be a lot safer. I also agree with Steph J. You can build a nice business without the HE's for everyone. Please don't give up the writing . . . you are a very talented girl who has a gift for writing!
I think this blog is well written, hilarious, poignant and clearly a work of fiction. Does anyone else think all of this disclosure is a little too much and that our hero could never have remained "anonymous" with this level of disclosure? Like I said, great writer, I get the feeling she's a 35 year old male graduate student.
Chris
Keep your eye on your boundaries, sweetie. I get the feeling the goalposts are shifting.
Jack - I have thought the same.
There's no way this will get better. There is no happy ending to this story. You've got to stop. Don't wait until you've figured out how, or why, or why not. Just stop. Reflect later. Right now, just stop.
Just wanted to say Hi - I came across your blog recently and spend a couple of hours reading all of it from the beginning. It's been fascinating! Thank you!
Just stumbled across your blog, can't stop reading.
Hey i wnat try some hot erotic massage therappy
How can you help honey?
I'm glad you still write with a sense of humor - and good luck with being indie.
Having gone through this before, I know where you're coming from, and unfortunately possibly headed. Please get a studio or office space and keep yourself safe. Start your own 'business' if you'd like. keep writing!
Red
Massage is tricky. Even as a legitimate registered massage therapist working in a clinic part of the job has to be trusting the people who walk through the door unless they give you a reason not to and then you are stuck dealing with a difficult situation and hoping that everything turns out OK. We've have ALL had creepy clients, and I can only imagine that your clients, in the sex industry, must be even creepier. It only takes one time to get into the kind of situation you can't leave and the chances of that happening when you are subjecting yourself to some serious alone time with these clients has you putting your life in danger daily. Because you are young and brave still, it's hard to see from the outside where you are allowing your comfort zone to be. I remember my early 20's very well, and when I think back to those days I a so mad at myself, and I feel sorry for the person I was back then. The part that sucks is that people DO regret what they did in their past, and it DOES haunt you, and you will forever beat yourself up later about how foolishly you put yourself in danger all the time. There is good news though, if you make some changes with that glorious brain of yours (and you are very intelligent BTW) it will at least make you feel better about turning your life around and hopefully that will take some of the sting of regret away in your years to come. :)
You have mentioned money being the main reason you do this to yourself, and as a business mind myself I can relate to that! Smart people love maximizing their earnings and they are willing to work harder than the next guy to get ahead! So I am here to tell you that it's easier than you think to achieve the earnings you desire, and in a way that makes you smile all the way to the bank, and smile on your way to work, and smile on the way home knowing that your health, heart, and sanity are also being taken care of.
3 short years ago I started a massage therapy clinic with no credit card, and only the $ I earned monthly working as an MT in a spa. I rented a tiny space in a nice neighborhood and worked in there for 2 years on my own, gathering clients and learning by trial and error how to run a business. By year 3, (with only a few thousand saved) I felt ready to expand so I leased a larger space close to my home with 4 treatment rooms. Slowly I found other MTs, and hired one by one, taking baby steps to feel like I had control of things.
A year later in the new location I am making 20,000 a month with 7 registered MTs working for me. I'm writing this message from bed as 4 treatment rooms are full with clients right now at my clinic down the street!
Te best part is that it feels awesome! It's legit, and I can finally tell my asshole parents who told me I was good for nothing to stick it! With this little 4 treatment room clinic I have done everything from earn $ for cancer research, to help seniors in a nursing home fire find new homes.. And I'm still making 20,000 a month with other people working for me!! Where I'm going with this is, don't sell your self short. Aren't you tired of giving away pieces of yourself to these men? It may feel like it's worth it right now but are you taking into account how you will feel in a few years? I'm curious about the things you don't tell us here. How did you grow up? Who made you feel like you aren't worth anything better? You are smart cookie, you just need to focus that big brain of yours. If you EVER want free advice about how to get yourself started into a career as a registered MT owning your own business don't be afraid to ask. I'll tell you exactly how to do it, step by step, learning from the mistakes I have already made. All you have to do is ask. Ps I wrote this on my iPhone so if autocorrect has made a fool of me so be it. :)
I love how all you guys act like you know what is best for CJ. Give it up and get off your high horse. This is a woman who has been in this game for awhile she knows more about this biz then any of you know-it-alls. Do your thing CJ. I dont think for a sec you are going to go any further than a hand release.
I see three options:
1. Stop. At least the erotic part of massage. You've talked about doing something else, starting your own (non-HJ) business, now may be the time to do it.
2. Enforce the rules; not because they are Audrey's rules, but because they are yours. Sit down and decide what you your limits are while staying sane, and stick to them. Don't do dates, cuddling, etc. if you aren't cool with it mentally. Use the portable massage table rather than their bed to keep it on more professional terms. (IIRC you refer to having one in some post)
3. Jump into full service with both eyes open. Emotionally, it doesn't sound like you're ready for this, but you are already sliding. Dinner, dates, cuddling, even your brief thought of a pitty fuck from your last post all project where you will end up if you don't do one of the two above.
Seriously, you guys think all of this is real?
Being an independent sensual masseuse in South Florida, I can vouch that you don't have to go the full service route. Establish boundaries and clients will respect that. It's all about how you represent yourself. I have a website explaining my services, donations and policies and I get great clients.
Do what works for you and go with your heart and gut instincts.
Miss ya Red!
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Not far from the day when you'll start doing Full Service it seems
LOL, 9th grade girlfriend!!!!!! I love it, I love it, I love it! You are hilarious, CJ!!!!
BTW, great Anon's this time around!
Hi CJ,
It sounds like you have some big issues going on, that are layered on top of an already complicated professional life.
The first one is change. Almost no one likes change that is imposed on them. You are going through the same things that anyone goes through when they have to change jobs or places of employment.
The tasks associated with the job may be the same but the working conditions are not. You are struggling to adapt to your new working conditions. How you deal with the other issue will likely determine how you get through this change.
The other, and more important issue that you are dealing with is control. By going outcall, you changed the amount of control you have over the situation. The simple act of going to them, has changed the level of control you have.
Some of this control is perception. Your clients likely think they now have much more control because you are going to their place (even if its their temporary place) and you are going to them. You are now in their territory, not theirs. Because they know their surroundings better than you, they feel more comfortable and feel like they have more control than they did at the business. With that perception of control, they will try to get away with more and more importantly, want more.
The other part of the control issue is you. You feel like you are losing control. You probably are because you haven't set any new rules for you new situation.
In the business, the rules were black and white as spelled out by the business. You could create shades of gray in the room but it was still under the cover of the business rules. If someone went out of your gray area, you could fall back on the business rules.
You can't do that now. In my opinion, you aren't even really making the rules. You have your limits but that's it.
In every other area of your work, you are letting the clients take control of the situation. You are letting them take you to dinner, cuddle, and otherwise take control.
You have to take control. First, if you are going to remain outcall, you have to find a place for them to come to. This is the first step in gaining control of the situation.
Second, you need rules for yourself and your clients. You have to set time limits. You are costing yourself money in addition to letting clients control you. You have to arrive and leave on your terms.
Then you have to establish that this is business not personal (I love Godfather quotes). You have to let the client know what can and cannot be done. Otherwise, you are going to be stuck with gobs of pillow talk and bad meals. Worse yet, with each subsequent visit to the client, he is going to push the boundaries of what he expects from you.
Third, skip the non-massage stuff. The free meals are great but its part of the control issue. You are letting the client dictate what the relationship is. By doing so, you are letting advance his agenda, which is probably directly opposed to your non-FS policy. Its part of the rules setting thing but needed to be mentioned.
Finally, as your MT contemporaries suggested, you should get your own place. That's the best way to control your work life...your place, your rules.
How you take control of your work life will get you through this change. From what I read, you absolutely need to take control.
I wish I could help with Derek but as one who has been married more than once and twice, I have no clue. Good luck with everything.
Anon31
I'm a fan of your blog, and I've given my opinion of stuff before... though I think there are too many here trying to fix your life for you.
So I guess there's no harm in throwing two more cents in :/
You don't sound like you're in control of your life right now. Either you get control (one way or another) or it controls you - and in your current line of work, that can't end well.
To be painfully honest, I'm afraid (and maybe even expecting) that this blog is going to disappear because you're doing things that aren't amusing to talk about anymore.
I sure hope that doesn't happen.
HEY CJ!
Reading through all these comments is kind of weirding me out.
First of all, I AM AN OUTCALL MASSAGE PROVIDER. I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR 2 YEARS.
I'm young and cool and have been following your blog. I just really wanna send you my support. I'm in NYC. It's NOT a slide to full service. These people aren't providers. They don't understand. I have never sucked a dick for money in my life. FS I've tried a couple times (once with a tattooed hipster, the other with a fat old lawyer dude who lasted 2 seconds) and despite making good money it's not that good and it's simply NOT my thing. No judgement against our gals who do it, it's just not me. Not worth it.
Boundaries ARE slippery in outcall though. But it doesn't mean you can't keep them. I have VERY serious boundaries in my work. My boyfriend is enomously supportive; reasonably jealous but supportive-LONG STORY. Come on up to NYC and we'll start our own incall! Haha!
I'd love to be friends. You can email me at n3a4tali6a9in8nyc at gmail dot com. Just take out the numbers--sorry! LOL, I need to be super discreet.
xo, your sister in hustling,
Natalia
Oh, and PS.
You don't have to do any of that stuff. I get real brusque and to the point in a light friendly but firm way. You DO NOT HAVE TO DRINK THEIR WINE, go out to eat, or any of it. BE REALLY TO THE POINT. THEY ARE NOT DATES DARLING! Be businesslike! I am VERY committed to this principle, unless I'm really friends with the guy (happened ONCE out of hundreds).
I actually feel like it's bullshit, this invitation for dinner shit. I really limit it to an interaction that has a ritual, just like you do/did in an incall establishment. And you can certainly watch the clock. I try my best to keep them on their stomach for 50-55 minutes of the hour. Some of them want to turn over early. These are what we call "annoying assholes." To be honest, after two years I'm still kind of figuring out how to handle these guys--it really is a strange kind of thing!
I've really only had a couple very bad aggressive guy and i'll admit that was with "cuddle" crap gone wrong. Also...I dont know your clientele down there, but im in NYC and I'll tell you one thing...Middle Eastern guys, sorry, are always too aggressive. I completely screen them. Doesn't matter what part of the ME they are from or if they have a JD from Harvard (had one of these). I don't accept them as clients. THEY ARE ALL TOO AGGRESSIVE.
I AM SENDING YOU MAD SUPPORT! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE DOING THIS HOMEGIRL!
Be safe, and really, truly, please e-mail me and I'd love for us to be friends and support one another with feedback/tips/tricks/cheerleading for ultimately growing through this phase and into HUGE AWESOMENESS as business owners as you have mentioned you'd like to.
God bless ya ;)
Natalia :)
good advice Natalia!
You are no FOTW. You're an independent businesswoman. Being recently independent right now you are working weird hours but that is the same for any business. Once your Business is on more solid ground you will have no problem having your own rules which your clients will have to follow or lose out on their regular. Trust me if they went seeking you after you left then they don't want the situation to change either. They will follow your rules when you feel comfortable establishing them.
CJ I'm a screenwriter and I want to talk to you about turning your
short stories into a screenplay. Your stories, regarding your experiences in the "Massage Palor" industry, are intelligently written and extremely commercial. Sarah Jessica Parker built an empire off of this type of material and Hollywood loves it. Respond if you are interested and I will give you my information.
--KY
So your a HO - who cares?? As long as you are comfortable doing what you're doing, it shouldn't matter - what does matter however is the fact that you feel the need to keep this from your significant other - that makes for a great relationship - doesn't it?
Please, please, please tell us the story of you leaving the business.
AJ
Am I now allowed to tell everyone where you worked?
It is so funny to read people being concerned that you will become an escort. They just don't understand that you're a licensed massage therapist. It's like, excuse me client, you want me to give you the BEST massage you've ever had (so much physical and emotional work), probably better than most LMT's out there, since I have so much high-volume experience, and THEN you want me to do WHAT?!? You'll never make enough money in your life to be able to convince me to do that much work.
CJ - I'm just going to join in on what most of the folks here are saying. You're heading down a path that's only going to get more and more difficult to retrace or step off.
We all understand bills have to be paid and the economy sucks and all that, but money isn't everything - in fact when the end comes which it does for all of us someday, money won't make any difference.
Choose your future path wisely.
would you recommend this job to another?
Thank you for posting this. It’s exactly what I was looking for!
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