Saturday, June 23, 2012

Our Little Girl Is Growing Up

There comes a time in every girl's life where her mom sits her down and awkwardly attempts to explain the facts of life.  In my case, it was my mom reluctantly describing the beautiful act of "relations" between married people for the express purpose to make babies.  I remember what a joy it was to watch her stutter over the word "penis" and what its job was.  Meanwhile all I wanted to know was if pulling out really was the best method of birth control, and if semen caused tooth decay.

 Well, the closest thing to explaining the birds and bees finally happened to me at work when Kimmie pulled me aside and asked if it's OK for a customer to "do things to my feet."  Ahhhhhh Kimmie...  I remember my first foot worshiper - and how I was fascinated at what lengths guys will go to sodomize them.  

"Sit down Kim," I started.  "I don't think I've filled you in on all the rules yet."

Now that I'm running The Business, Audrey's rules are still pretty much my rules.  In a nutshell, the rules are pretty much as follows:

1)  No penetration
2)  Door and clothing option prices are fixed
3)  No one under 21
4)  Nothing after hours (or offsite)
5)  Dress conservatively

The first one goes without saying.  We are a massage parlor - not a brothel.  This is what keeps us off the radar screens and allows us to operate without too much hassle from the town.  Even though some of us (Audrey you slut I'm talking about you) may violate it from time to time, it's still the biggest rule we have.

Our prices for the basic services are fixed.  They have to be, else the girls start to undercut each other in order to steal customers.  Then before you know it, guys are coming in off the street and demanding blowjobs for $25 because "Crystal does it." Seen it tear apart other businesses, so it's something we all have to stick to in order for it to be fair to everyone.

We don't serve minors, and to be safe we card anyone who doesn't look 21.  I know that 20 isn't a minor, but it's just another one of those things that keeps us off the radar screens.  The last thing we need is someone's mom bursting through our doors demanding to know why her minivan is parked out front when Tommy said he was going to the movies and... OH MY GAAAAAWD WHAT IS THIS PLACE?  And if you think that scenario is weird, try the dad's who bring their son's in for their "first time."  No thanks - we'll just keep throwing out anyone under 21.

The Business does not offer outcall service.  For newbies out there, that's when the girl comes to your place.  We also don't like it when girls do sessions beyond our normal business hours.  Once again, odd hours of operation are a red flag to the cops, so we try to avoid it.  Also, it's just safer to work within our set schedule, that way I know when the place is supposed to be empty.

And lastly, it's a house rule that we all dress conservatively.  For you fans of "The Client List" it's totally unrealistic (and dangerous) to have the entire staff walking around in lingerie.  You never know who's walking through that door at any given time.  Could be a woman booking a therapeutic session, or maybe the guy next door asking if Fedex has been by yet.  Or it could be a cop.  In any case, the rule is to keep our clothing options INSIDE the room.  Best outfit for work - jeans and a polo shirt. 

I told Kimmie that it's perfectly OK to have a guy do stuff to her feet, as long as she's comfortable with it.  Then I gave her advice on how to deal with "extras" (any requests above and beyond the basic massage and hand release).  Turns out that she's been saying "We don't do that" more than a few times.  Boy, that brought back memories...  I remember using that exact phrase when I first started working.  Except that I was using it when customers asked where their happy ending was.  Whoops.

Kimmie's eyes got big when I told her about the "Breast release."  And I thought she was going to run out of the room when I mentioned the "Butt release."  

"Ewwwwwwwww... Why would a guy want to cum on my ass?"  

I didn't even blink.  "Why would a guy want to fuck your feet?  It's our job to let the customer know what we are and aren't comfortable with in the room.  This is the kinda stuff that they're afraid to ask from their girlfriends.  So be prepared to get a lot of questions about all sorts of things you've never heard of before.  Just relax and remember what the rules are.  And if you ever get confused about what's allowed, just come out of session and ask me.  Oh - and don't ask Maude anything.  She's a prude."   

Now that was a Birds-and-Bees speech any mom would have been proud of.





Unknown said...

I love your blog. I can only imagine what its like to be new in the business. Us men have a never ending imagination when it comes to what we might request.

Unknown said...

Hey CJ, I stumbled across your blog when I googled "massage parlor etiquette" and clicked on a very informative post by you explaining all the do's and dont's. I enjoyed your writing style and the fact that you ate completely candid about it. I still have never been to a massage parlor and I assumed the only sort of happy ending given was a hand release, and I found it refreshing that a newbie therapist like Kimmie, did not know that either. Is it typical for all massage paroles to offer other kinds of releases to the clients? And when hiring a new girl like Kimmie, when do you know that she's "cool" and it's ok for you to tell her about the happy endings, or is it known that she's cool before you even interview her?

Your blog is badass, keep it going.


Anonymous said...


Is Kimmi either licensed or registered as a massage therapist? Do you have to be in order to work in a parlor that offers happy endings?

I've been applying to various parlors to no avail and I'm wondering if that's why?

XC said...

Another great post! Thanks a lot for keeping this blog updated!

Advizor54 said...

What a great story. I remember when my mom talked to me about masturbation, it was a hoot, and about 3 years too late.

Then, just 3 days before my wedding, she told me to "be gentle." it was actually very sweet.

Tom Moran said...

Kimmie could not have a better mentor than you, C.J. :)

cj said...


Not all parlors are the same. Some offer ONLY a simple hand release, without a clothing option. Meanwhile, a brothel will offer full service. Here at The Business, we are kinda between the two.

As for being "cool" - Kimmie knew up front that we were a massage parlor. I would never hire a girl then spring it on her later - since that is pretty much what happened to me when I first entered the world of erotic massage.

Kimmie was licensed at home, but needs to get licensed in this state. Since I wrote last, she's working on it. You don't exactly need to be licensed to work in a massage parlor because if you're working under the table. But to be on the up and up, all employees must have a license.


Kelly said...

I love the honesty of your writing and the humor that you infuse in it. I've been to your blog before but it's been awhile.

Those rules you went through make sense and I'm sure it keeps everyone save and educated on what they're getting and not getting.

well... I gotta prove I'm not a robot. Take care.

Anonymous said...


Krysttinne Velazquez said...

wow i love your blog but some of these are thing ive never heard before, quite interesting stuff.....