Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Trina's Tale: The Never-Ending Full Service

Trina keeps suprising me ever since I finally got her to open up.  I mean here we are co-workers and best friends, and it turns out she has a very sordid past.  I couldn't believe the latest bomb she dropped on me.


That's right - my boring as wallpaper co-therapist took a walk on the dark side.  Or at least tried to.  It's complicated.

Apparently it happened around 2 years ago when business tanked,.  We were all hurting for money (myself included) and she said things got pretty desperate.  I remember back then that she lost a lot of Regulars.  And it didn't help that the walk-ins pretty much dried up too. 

She had this one customer that had asked about full service, and she explained that we're not that kind of place.  We'll call him Harvey.  He seemed OK with it, and went on with a regular session.  Then at the end, he told her that if she changes her mind, please give him a call.  And that was that.

Before I go on, let me explain that we have situations like this all the time,and it's really not a big deal.  Guys ask to fuck, to go down on them (or us), finger us, etc.  We just politely decline and tell them what we are and are not willing to do.  And leaving a phone number or business card is also perfectly normal.  

Well, around this time, Trina said she was already flat broke and was desperate to make ends meet.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - sometimes you're just one paycheck away from blowing some guy in a truck stop.  So she dug Harvey's number out of her purse and gave him a call.

"Uh... Harvey?  This is Trina.  From The Business?  Yeah, well I thought about what you said and I'm OK with it.  Yeah that's fine.  How about 7pm?  Where?  Uh...  Red Lobster."

Red Lobster?  Yes, she actually said Red Lobster.    Trina offered to meet a stranger for sex at a Red Lobster.  Of course sex between strangers at Red Lobster happens all the time, but most people prefer to call it "First Dates."

She meets him at the bar and he buys her a drink.  They start some nervous chit-chat when the bartender asks her if there's anything else they need.  Trina asks for a menu and orders dinner. 

At this point in the story, I asked her if she was planning a really strenuous hour of animal fucking and needed serious carbs to keep her going.  She said, "No, I was hungry."  

So now their little outcall appointment has turned into some kind of quasi-date, with Harvey racking up the expenses.  But at least they finally relaxed enough after the first round of drinks to start talking business.  Trina can't tell a story to save her life, so I'm going to summarize here what probably happened...

Trina:  So what did you have in mind?
Harvey: I don't know, straight sex.  What exactly will you do?
Trina:  I don't know.  I've never had sex with a customer before.
Harvey: Don't you have some kind of idea of what you want to do and for how much?
Trina: Well maybe we can bounce some things around and figure it out.

And this nonsense must have gone on for 45 minutes, or at least until the bill finally came.  I know, because I know Trina and this is how she negotiates EVERYTHING.  Whether it's what movie to go see or what to charge for a rim-job, the decision making process is always like pulling teeth with her.  In that exchange just replace the word "sex" with "Spiderman movie" and you'll get the idea.   I really felt sorry for Harvey at this point.

After Harvey pays the bill, they have finally decided on what to do and for how much.  She agreed to a "standard sex session" for $200 (NOT including the price of her meals and drinks).  Now they just have to figure out where to go.  A hotel?  His place? Her place?  Back of the car?   And the whole tooth-pulling process begins all over again...

After several more minutes, they decide on her place since it's close by.  She gives him directions and they drive over in separate cars.  As they pull up, she realizes her "Check Engine" light is on.  In a moment of panic, she asks Harvey what she should do, and he suggests dropping it off at the dealership.  So, she does what every working girl does before fucking her client - she asks him to drive across town to drop her car off.

It's now 3 hours into Harvey's full service "standard sex session" and they haven't even held hands yet.  What's that you say?  Dinner and a car trip couldn't possibly take 3 hours!  Oh I'm sorry... did I forget to mention that she made him stop at her friends house on the way back to pick something up?    Apparently what most people call errands, Trina calls foreplay.

They finally get back to her place - inside even.  And I can only guess Harvey's reaction to all the cat toys and Precious Moments figures on every flat surface.  Raging hard-on, right?  I hate going over there because of all the cat hair.  But the little bright eyed figurines kinda freak me out too.

She tells him to make himself comfortable, when Harvey finally speaks up.  "Hey, I gotta go soon so could we get started?"  Ahhh... the words every girl loves to hear.  And since she's never done full service before, she just takes a cue from work and tells him to go in the bedroom and get naked.  

Let me tell you that Trina's bedroom is usually a disaster area.  Between all the clothes lying around, and the sleeping cats, I bet Harvey had a time figuring out where to get "comfortable."  Somehow he manages and then Trina comes in and gets naked.

Now according to her, she said she wasn't going to do ANYTHING without a condom.  So she fished around in the nightstand and found a pack.  Then she worked Harvey with her hands until he was good and hard enough for her to put the rubber on him.  Trina said her whole professional life flashed before her eyes while she looked at this cock and realized what she was about to do with it.  So she closed her eyes and made the switch from "Erotic Masseuse" to "Escort" with one big gagging motion.

Trina's the first girl I know to quickly admit that she hates sucking dick.  And to make it worse, she's now doing it with a nasty tasting condom - which she has never done before with guys she's dated.  So this was a new experience for her - and a really unpleasant one made even worse.  

Men love blowjobs.  I know, I've dated men so take my word for it.  And if there's one thing I've learned about the art of giving head, there is nothing that turns a guy on more than a girl's total lack of enthusiasm.  Right?  The tightly shut eyes, the upturned nose, the look of disgust, and the purely mechanical motions  really get a guy going.  So Harvey must have been in heaven because this is pretty much how Trina described what happened.

She said that after a few minutes of rather un-inspired dick sucking, Harvey started to lose his erection.  Whether it was her lack of technique, or perhaps the cats on the bed staring at him, we'll never know.  What we do know is that he tried to manually correct the situation, but to no avail.  She apologized and said she would make it up to him later.

And she was not kidding.  A week later, she called him and tried to set up another "date."  Even offered to clean the place up and cook dinner for him.  They tried to set things up a couple times, but it always fell through.  Eventually, he stopped calling her back.  I asked if she got paid that first night, and she said yes.  And that was why she felt guilty and kept calling him for a makeup session.  She later decided that maybe escort work wasn't her cup of tea.

Trina may not have been the world's greatest hooker, but at least she was a fully guaranteed one.  



the titfucker said...

One of your funniest stories! You really should be writing for a bigger audience.

Advizor54 said...

This has GOT to show up on a sitcom someplace. Are you sure you can't start writing for Jennifer Love Hewitt? Don't all shows need a consultant of some kind? I'm cracking up!!! I love the cat hair and precious moments scene. That is such a horrible setting for anything sexy. Love it, love it, love it. Makes me want to donate to the "Get Harvey Fucked" fund.

Anonymous said...

You seriously make me sick. You are a disgusting woman and should be shot. Hope someone finds you... Real soon.

Unknown said...

That story was hilarious! Thanks for sharing that.

I just found your blog and really like it.


Esteban Cartaya said...

Enjoy the article and the story big time.

Anonymous said...

I would've at least finger fucked the shit outta her.

Anonymous said...

Red Lobster. This blog fucking kills me. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! Why am I picturing this as a late night episode of "Friends"

Anonymous said...

I am committing suicide because I cannot live with the pain of my husbands betrayal with massage parlor hookers. It hurts so much.

Mundane68 said...

Very good story and funny.

I really do wonder though, if the whole "I can't do a BJ..." thing of some women is some sort of defense mechanism to keep them from having to do that at all. Like how some guys profess ignorance at how a vacuum works, for example.

Anonymous said...

You are soooo right about women needing enthusiasm during a blowjob! There's nothing that more of a turn off than a lack of enthusiasm and there's nothing that's more of a turn on than an enthusiastic cock sucker. I was just reading this other blog where she describes herself giving a guy a handjob... ... and it is so sexy precisely because you can tell she was enthusiastic and horny about it at the time. There's nothing better. Take notes, ladies!

Anonymous said...

These blogs are KILLING me! There so fun to read that I can't stop, but the only "fun" massage parlor I know of is two hour away D: it's torture! Lol

-hug (not a sexy hug, just a hug)

P.s. Don't listen to the trolls hating on your blog, you're a great writer(typer?) and they are just jealous. :D

Anonymous said...

Sry for the anon post. I love your blog. Just a question. Do you prefer a HJ on a circumised or uncircumside penis? And in your personal relationship what do u find more of a turn on?

brick henry said...

i see anon is back, huh? needed to bolster readership?

twitter to try and pick up readers, too?

its on its deathbed, but what's odd is you never marketed it which makes me wonder what the point is.

anyways, its ended. its over. close up shop.

Brisbane Escort said...

Interesting story indeed, i was just confused about some things.

Anonymous said...

What has happened to Melissa Blade?

Anonymous said...

that might be about the funniest story I've ever read!