Well my first advice column seems to have been a big hit - so I might do it again in the near future. I have to admit though that the topic of dating is an uncomfortable one for me. As you are all painfully aware, I do not discuss ANYTHING work related with the guys that I date. That way I can completely avoid the 5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse. We'll just bicker, argue and break up like any other ordinary couple.
And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:
I would not date me.
By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...
First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.
Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.
Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.
Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.
What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.
THAT fucked with my head.
I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.
So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.
Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.
CJ
Showing posts with label Dear CJ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear CJ. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Dear CJ.............
Hey guys,
I'm going to do something different this week. I got this email recently from a guy seeking advice on dating an erotic masseuse. If this works out maybe I'll do more posts like this. Think of me as like a Dear Abby, but with handjobs.
I thought this would be interesting to talk about since I am probably the worst person in the world to ask for dating advice. As you may have noticed, I really really really don't like to talk about my dating life. If anything, I may be the perfect example on what NOT to do. But I'll try my best to give honest advice.
"Hi there. I've been reading your blog for about a month now after finding out that someone I've been seeing for a while (and I think I'm in love with) is also an erotic masseuse.
Finding this out has absolutely destroyed me, and completely fucked up the relationship. I've never been against prostitution and always took the stance that whatever two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their business and should be their decision. But finding out that someone who I know and care about does it has completely thrown that perception (along with my perception of her) on it's ear.
I really do care about this girl but I find myself thinking horrible things about her...that she's lying about the extent of what she does, that she is some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck, out of my league, slutty, promiscuous, possessed of low self-esteem and daddy issues, a bitch,
and on and on and on. And the sad thing is that before this I thought of her as a sweet, sexy, innocent, kind of dorky, kind person. It's as if all the things I have thought about her are impossible for me to think of her as now, and trust is basically impossible.
It really sucks because I felt like I was falling deeply in love with her before and now I just don't know how to deal with it. It's also incredibly confusing because even though it makes everything else in the relationship harder, it's also a huge turn on, even though I wind up feeling used and just lied to.
I always wonder about the regulars, about little extras, about moments during the massage where she actually has a good time. It's torture but I can't stop seeing her, although I'm thinking that it's not something that is going to be sustainable if things don't change somehow. There are moments where I absolutely hate her for it, for a variety of reasons from sexual to financial insecurity (I'm a poor college student and she can make 500 in a good night), but it also feels like if I can learn to accept her and trust her I could have something meaningful with probably the most sexually exciting woman I've ever met. Seriously, I'm dying here. HELP!"
Well let me start off my saying your initial reaction is pretty much exactly what I've seen whenever I've told a potential boyfriend about what I do. In fact I call that "Stage 2" of the "5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse."
Stage 1 - The Turn On
Stage 2 - Distrust
Stage 3 - Jealousy
Stage 4 - Accusations
Stage 5 - Breakup
You've obviously been through Stage 1. At first guys are usually turned on by my admission to what I do for a living. "I'm totally cool with that..." "Man that's hot!..." and even "Would you do that for me?" are some of the typical first responses. The problem though is that guys assume that if your job is sleazy, then you must also be sleazy. And sleazy is always a turn on - at first.
This leads me to Stage 2 - which you are obviously at. Distrust raises its ugly head shortly after the initial turn on. Guys start to assume that just because I'm having sex with them, I'm probably having sex with every customer who walks through my door. I know she claims to be a handjob only masseuse, but how can you really be sure? Two naked adults, alone in a room with soft lighting, and all that baby oil - how could they NOT be having a sex!
You seem on the verge of Stage 3 - jealousy. This is where you guys get it all wrong. What I do for a living is a job - nothing more. The happy ending is merely mechanical for me.
1) Up.
2) Down.
3) Repeat as necessary.
It's you guys that want to attach some kind of significance to it. I swear, sometimes guys are worse than girls when it comes to dealing with sex. Now if your girlfriend works in a handjob only parlor, then she's probably not lying when she says nothing goes on between her and the customers.
Are you worried that she might have a "good time" (Gawd forbid) at work? I really thought that was a strange choice of words. If she were a waitress and had a "good time" at work one day, would that mean she's in love with her customers? It's the same thing... I hope to get through my day with a smile on my face, but it doesn't mean I have to have a romantic "moment" with a customer. Heck - I'm happy if a customer just cracks jokes during his session.
One comparison that might help is how would you feel if your girlfriend were a stripper? A stripper's job is to give guys hard-ons. Sure she shakes her ass as part of the job description, but can you do that mechanically without being involved with the customer? Oh you bet - just ask any stripper! As a matter of fact, I dare you to find any stripper who can't manage to give more then 3 lap dances without falling in love with her customer.
One thing you said that I thought was interesting was whether your girlfriend is "some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck." This plays to the whole myth that sex workers (or women in general) have some sort of magical power over men. I hate to burst your bubble, but married guys who want a hand release from someone who's NOT their wife is a marketable commodity just like anything else. Your girlfriend brings home $500 a night because guys REALLY LIKE HANDJOBS - not because she has ulterior motives of enslaving men and unravelling the fabric of polite society.
You're not quite at Stage 4 yet - Accusations. Which is a good thing because your relationship can still be saved. At this point you basically cave in to all your insecurities and become convinced that she really is cheating on you every chance she gets. You can tell that a guy has reached this stage because the word "whore" becomes a major part of his vocabulary.
It's not a very pretty stage, and it's not too long before you finally hit Stage 5 - Breakup.
Of course if she's working in a full service parlor then chances are she is lying to you and getting laid a couple times a day. But like I said before, it's probably mechanical and she doesn't enjoy it - unlike with you.
And that's my 2 cents. Hope this helps!
CJ
I'm going to do something different this week. I got this email recently from a guy seeking advice on dating an erotic masseuse. If this works out maybe I'll do more posts like this. Think of me as like a Dear Abby, but with handjobs.
I thought this would be interesting to talk about since I am probably the worst person in the world to ask for dating advice. As you may have noticed, I really really really don't like to talk about my dating life. If anything, I may be the perfect example on what NOT to do. But I'll try my best to give honest advice.
"Hi there. I've been reading your blog for about a month now after finding out that someone I've been seeing for a while (and I think I'm in love with) is also an erotic masseuse.
Finding this out has absolutely destroyed me, and completely fucked up the relationship. I've never been against prostitution and always took the stance that whatever two consenting adults do with their own bodies is their business and should be their decision. But finding out that someone who I know and care about does it has completely thrown that perception (along with my perception of her) on it's ear.
I really do care about this girl but I find myself thinking horrible things about her...that she's lying about the extent of what she does, that she is some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck, out of my league, slutty, promiscuous, possessed of low self-esteem and daddy issues, a bitch,
and on and on and on. And the sad thing is that before this I thought of her as a sweet, sexy, innocent, kind of dorky, kind person. It's as if all the things I have thought about her are impossible for me to think of her as now, and trust is basically impossible.
It really sucks because I felt like I was falling deeply in love with her before and now I just don't know how to deal with it. It's also incredibly confusing because even though it makes everything else in the relationship harder, it's also a huge turn on, even though I wind up feeling used and just lied to.
I always wonder about the regulars, about little extras, about moments during the massage where she actually has a good time. It's torture but I can't stop seeing her, although I'm thinking that it's not something that is going to be sustainable if things don't change somehow. There are moments where I absolutely hate her for it, for a variety of reasons from sexual to financial insecurity (I'm a poor college student and she can make 500 in a good night), but it also feels like if I can learn to accept her and trust her I could have something meaningful with probably the most sexually exciting woman I've ever met. Seriously, I'm dying here. HELP!"
Well let me start off my saying your initial reaction is pretty much exactly what I've seen whenever I've told a potential boyfriend about what I do. In fact I call that "Stage 2" of the "5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse."
Stage 1 - The Turn On
Stage 2 - Distrust
Stage 3 - Jealousy
Stage 4 - Accusations
Stage 5 - Breakup
You've obviously been through Stage 1. At first guys are usually turned on by my admission to what I do for a living. "I'm totally cool with that..." "Man that's hot!..." and even "Would you do that for me?" are some of the typical first responses. The problem though is that guys assume that if your job is sleazy, then you must also be sleazy. And sleazy is always a turn on - at first.
This leads me to Stage 2 - which you are obviously at. Distrust raises its ugly head shortly after the initial turn on. Guys start to assume that just because I'm having sex with them, I'm probably having sex with every customer who walks through my door. I know she claims to be a handjob only masseuse, but how can you really be sure? Two naked adults, alone in a room with soft lighting, and all that baby oil - how could they NOT be having a sex!
You seem on the verge of Stage 3 - jealousy. This is where you guys get it all wrong. What I do for a living is a job - nothing more. The happy ending is merely mechanical for me.
1) Up.
2) Down.
3) Repeat as necessary.
It's you guys that want to attach some kind of significance to it. I swear, sometimes guys are worse than girls when it comes to dealing with sex. Now if your girlfriend works in a handjob only parlor, then she's probably not lying when she says nothing goes on between her and the customers.
Are you worried that she might have a "good time" (Gawd forbid) at work? I really thought that was a strange choice of words. If she were a waitress and had a "good time" at work one day, would that mean she's in love with her customers? It's the same thing... I hope to get through my day with a smile on my face, but it doesn't mean I have to have a romantic "moment" with a customer. Heck - I'm happy if a customer just cracks jokes during his session.
One comparison that might help is how would you feel if your girlfriend were a stripper? A stripper's job is to give guys hard-ons. Sure she shakes her ass as part of the job description, but can you do that mechanically without being involved with the customer? Oh you bet - just ask any stripper! As a matter of fact, I dare you to find any stripper who can't manage to give more then 3 lap dances without falling in love with her customer.
One thing you said that I thought was interesting was whether your girlfriend is "some kind of arrogant sex goddess that uses lonely men, a gold digging exploiter willing to break up marriages to make a buck." This plays to the whole myth that sex workers (or women in general) have some sort of magical power over men. I hate to burst your bubble, but married guys who want a hand release from someone who's NOT their wife is a marketable commodity just like anything else. Your girlfriend brings home $500 a night because guys REALLY LIKE HANDJOBS - not because she has ulterior motives of enslaving men and unravelling the fabric of polite society.
You're not quite at Stage 4 yet - Accusations. Which is a good thing because your relationship can still be saved. At this point you basically cave in to all your insecurities and become convinced that she really is cheating on you every chance she gets. You can tell that a guy has reached this stage because the word "whore" becomes a major part of his vocabulary.
It's not a very pretty stage, and it's not too long before you finally hit Stage 5 - Breakup.
Of course if she's working in a full service parlor then chances are she is lying to you and getting laid a couple times a day. But like I said before, it's probably mechanical and she doesn't enjoy it - unlike with you.
And that's my 2 cents. Hope this helps!
CJ
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