Tuesday, April 20, 2010

So You Think You Can Date An Erotic Masseuse?

Well my first advice column seems to have been a big hit - so I might do it again in the near future. I have to admit though that the topic of dating is an uncomfortable one for me. As you are all painfully aware, I do not discuss ANYTHING work related with the guys that I date. That way I can completely avoid the 5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse. We'll just bicker, argue and break up like any other ordinary couple.

And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:

I would not date me.

By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...

First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.

Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.

Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.

Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.

What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.

THAT fucked with my head.

I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.

So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.

Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.



Matt said...

" I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors."

Now that's an honest statement - no BS. You’re a stand up gall!

Anonymous said...

Well, I know I couldn't date someone in your line of work. My base feeling with any girls tends to be protectiveness. I'm already worry for you and any of the girls who I've seen. I'm just guessing but probably not all guys are as nice as me.

Past that I'm pretty sure I'd skip the fun steps and go right to suspicion and jealousy. So I might go out with someone like you just as a friend, dinner or something, but I could never do the relationship thing.


Tom Moran said...

Did I mention that I have my own island in the Pacific? :-Þ

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! CJ, you have me gasping for air! I love it!

Of course you know, you have just let Murphy in the door with his quiver full of arrows that will totally rock your world. Let me see if I can describe him.

A Non Reader of your blog who completely baffles you with the fact that he is secure enough in both himself and in your relation ship where he does not care what you do for a living. But loves you for you.

You know he's out there. You know he just heard you. You know he is headed in your direction.

Anonymous said...


I'm on My Way.

Your Knight--King in Shining Armor

Tim said...

What about someone who has Read Widely and is therefore well educated about What Goes On, but has never seen your blog or been for an erotic massage?

Except he'd be fantasizing wildly about it as soon as he found out... and probably horrendously jealous...

Jip said...

Wake me up when I'm supposed to give a shit.

Linus said...

Also, cue up all the turds who want to fuck you. Shocking that it's the regular commenters who always say they DON'T want to fuck you.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic post, CJ. Honestly it sounds to me like we are on the same page. Its not an issue of looking down on you or your job or anything else, its just an issue of expecting more out of a partner. You are very realistic about how things would work out in the long run.

Great post, and refreshing honesty.

Jack said...

Why don't you try not to worry about getting into a serious relationship and continue dating how you have been until you have stepped out of your current area of work and into another profession,lets say running a tanning salon /legit masseuse parlor? Then the dreamy island hunk can sweep you off your feet...

DickieTrick said...

It's amazing how often we misunderstand what would make us happy.

You, CJ, say you wouldn't be happy dating someone who frequented massage parlours - yet, who else would appreciate the real you?

You are who you are, you do what you do, and that's just fine.

If someone is not happy with your profession, screw them - there is someone who will accept and love you exactly as you are...and he's probably had an erotic massage or two. We all have!

Anonymous said...

Funny, I had a similar conversation with my masseuse recently, and the solution is easier than you think.

CJ, what you need to find is a guy who provides erotic massages ( and happy endings) to women!

OK I realize there's not many men with that kind of ability , but you never know .

Everything would be out in the open ,completely avoiding the 5 stages.
AND with the combined income, you might just be able to escape to your island in the pacific.

Kidding aside, I have dated a woman with the same occupation as you, and you're right on about the onset of jealousy, and the inevitable "death spiral".

She had everything too, intelligence,warmth,beauty and was so very erotic... what was so sad to me was how alone she felt most of the time.
Lying about who she was took away from what she was able to give.When she chose to be honest about what she did it took away from my ability to love her.

No hypocrisy CJ ... just the way people feel.

Anonymous said...


Word Cloud of the site based on rss feed.

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ, Optimisitic here. I still can hardly believe the timing of your blog and my new relationship with a masseuse. Your own conflicted responses are refreshingly honest. This is crazy territory and the full range of feelings here are understandable and deserve to be free of judgement. Like you, my feelings are definitely complex, but I am trying to focus on something you said: "The key thing here is to NOT treat her any differently than anyone else. Remember - you're dating a girl, not a masseuse."

One of the things I find a little different for me relative to the 5 stages is the entry point. I didn't discover she was a masseuse, I got to know her as a masseuse. I didn't have Stage 1. I wasn't turned on by the fact that she was a masseuse. Sure, the handjobs are fucking hot, but after awhile, the turn on developed into something else. I was seriously more turned on by the fact that she called me last night because she wanted to hear my voice.

Independent of your blog, I had come to a similar decision to something you mentioned here. After our first date, when she agreed to see me again outside of work, I realized that something more was going on for both of us, so I made the decision to stop going to massage parlors myself.

Now, while I'm not a newbie like your ideal scenario, I also have never asked for anything freaky. I get that there are boundaries. I just know that she and I really enjoy being together.

I recognize there is profound risk here for emotional pain all around, but I look at it this way; I am really happy with her right now and she is really happy when she is with me. Being together is a bajillion times better than being alone. So I get my heart broken again if it doesn't work out. Like that hasn't happened before. And as I recall, I survived. Yeah, maybe it wont work, but life is full of disappointments. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'm willing to fail to be with one of the loveliest women I have ever known.

I'll let you know when I hit stage 2. :)


big brother said...

Having a sister in the industry I've met a lot of masseuses over the past for or five years, and the one thing in common is that most have a low self esteem. CJ recaps that by saying "I would not date me".
Well why not? are you not a person because of what you do?. Is what you do any worse (or better) than someone that has a one night stand every night?. After all the one night stands lead to sex, while your job does not.
I have also learned that there are different types of "masseuses".
The ones that are totally f'd up on drugs, who very quickly deteriorate, and the ones that do it for a job.
Of the ones that do it for a job, some will let it get to them and get f'd up on drugs, however by large the majority are extremely nice caring people.
When you are dating someone and see them in that light you do realise that it is the person that you are dating, not the job.
Easy for me to say as I have not dated anyone in the industry, however I am quite close friends with a few of Sis's workmates and I don't think I would have any troubles dating them. I would trust them to that extent easily.

Anonymous said...


bear in mind global warming will drown a lot of these islands

cj said...

Just telling it like it is.

Is it one of the taller islands so it won't disappear with global warming? And are there enough natives to cater to my every whim?

It's a catch 22. I know. That's why I'll just stick to letting my boyfriends date a shampooer.

You bring up the fact that when I do decide to retire the oil bottles, everything will change. Suddenly I won't mind guys who are interested in a small business owner (oh wow that sounds cool!).

I think dating a guy who did that would be even worse!!!!


Gavin said...

"I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors"

That IS hypocritical, and it shows your true character - and it's not good. Your morals/ethics allow you to take part in a practise that you don't even agree with. If you think that there is nothing wrong with what you do, why do you have the right to judge those who seek the VERY SERVICE YOU explicitly provide??? How can you say that? On the contrary if you think there is something wrong with what you do, well then case closed - you've already judged yourself.

Besides which, is every single person who comes in really that bad? Don't you get normal, nice guys? Or are they all just sex crazed dirty old men? WHY is it that you wouldn't date those that use your services?

I know you're sort of 'playing this down' by laughing it off publically as "just being a hypocrit" but I find it very immoral.

If you have some sort of self perceived 'moral code' that you stand by and if you think of yourself as being of good character, then you wouldn't be such a hypocrit.

cj said...


If you worked in a store that sold cigarettes, does that mean you would have to love smokers?

Same thing.

I would just rather be in a relationship with a guy who had nothing to do with The Business. There is no law that requires me to date customers. End of story.


Gavin said...

Not quite. The analogy would be "If you worked in a tobacconist, would you rule out ever dating a smoker" in which case saying no would be hypocritical. Or a bar tender saying they wouldn't date anyone who drinks.

I'm not saying you "have to love your customers". My issue is more that you explicitly dislike them, or think lowly enough of them that you woudlnt even contemplate dating one (even if he was mr perfect? is that what you're saying?). I don't know why you'd make that sweeping generalisation, unless you think there's something morally wrong with "The Business" (Which I don't.) And if you do, then you shouldn't be working there. It doesn't add up.

Effectively you're saying you judge your clients personality and character because of what they're doing (coming to experience your services) and yet you don't apply that judgement to yourself? I'm sorry, I just find that shallow/hypocritical.

This is just my opinion on this topic. I really like you and your blog and your writing. :) Keep up the good work

Kelly said...

Hm, interesting indeed. I would prefer read more about the topic. Me and my friends at my escort site love this.

Stereo said...

This blog is the best! I started reading it because I accidentally went to a rub and tug when I needed a massage ASAP because of a muscle spasm and it was the only place I could get into.

I didn't get the happy ending but was fascinated that this place was just down the street from where I lived.

Anyway, I agree with what Gavin is saying, I don't think any less of you because you are an erotic masseuse, but I think you think less of you, and therefore you think any "decent" person should think less of you (and anyone who uses their services).

I would not knowingly date an erotic masseuse, that is, if I first met someone and found out very early on that was her job I would end it. However, this is a part of dating that everyone knows, you keep your "eccentricities" close to your chest.

Is it wrong to hide some things about yourself when you first meet someone? Absolutely not. Should you eventually reveal things? Yes. How much you reveal about yourself depends on what level you want the relationship to go to. Eventually, I think everything should be revealed.

This is another thing that proves that you do not think highly of yourself, you said that you could never date a blog reader because they know TOO much. Which means you are not confident enough about who you are and what you have done in your life to share EVERYTHING with someone you love because you think if someone were to know EVERYTHING about you that they could not possibly love you, and if they could love you then there is also something wrong with them.

This is sad, I have done a lot of things I'm not proud of, and I used to be in your shoes as well, but if you are ever to find real long lasting LOVE, eventually you should share EVERYTHING.

Real love is pretty much unconditional, and there will be someone who is a good person and also loves you regardless of the things you have done.

Good people do bad things, and you're not even doing anything bad, you're just doing something AMERICAN society frowns upon. Go to less religious and more free thinking societies and they will not frown upon your profession.

I'm curious if you ever do stop this profession and do work that is acceptable in American society, and you find the guy you think is perfect for you, will you ever reveal your full past?

Anonymous said...

Lots of good comments here!

I think many of masseuses go through that thought process: the low self-esteem, the catch 22 feel, the mistrust of customers. Real vicious circle.

I also think that it's because of confusion, if not necessarily hypocrisy.

Conversely, a lot of customers would never date providers, whom they consider dirty whores. OK, apparently not dirty enough to run to and get all frisky with.

Masseuses have told me that they couldn't possibly have a boyfriend due to their work, or that they were too afarid of getting hurt. True, it must be a horrible thing to have a guy reject you after a while because you're just a filthy whore after all. BUT, as some have pointed out here the only problem is that you yourself consider you as a (negative) whore, giving men the power to hurt you.

I have "dated" a full-service gal. It was more like an arrangement, really, since I always gave her gifts and money. A sugar daddy of sorts, but we were like boyfriend-girlfriend together. I refused to see her as dirty, or to treat her any differently than any other girl, because of what that would have said about ME for being a serial massage customer.

Nothing wrong with sex, the masseuse, or me... so what's the problem? Nobody else's opinion matters.
If anything, our relationship was more honest in reason of what she did.

You do have to stop believing in Prince Charming/White Knight before accepting that, because that dude doesn't go to rub and tugs: he doesn't exist.

I do agree that it's easier said than done.

Crazedbison said...

Ok, so I have spent my last few days at work reading this blog from the beginning. I haven't read any of the comments on the posts aside from this one. I figured that it would have some interesting comments and I wasn't disappointed. I am a little surprised at the number of folks who are quick to judge. I personally don't feel that I would normally be able to date someone in that line of work, but after reading all of the blog up to this point it is clear that 'CJ' is more the exception than the rule. She is more a traditional masseuse that simply also massages the cock than a tried and true sex worker. After reading the blog, the only potential deterrant to dating her would be the 'sugar daddy' thing. It is fairly clear that there is some type of emotion there, even if it is no more than the intoxicating effect of the money. Personally, even if I had the money, I'm too cheap to pay for something that can be had for the price of a couple drinks near closing time. However, I live in Hawaii and there are always female tourists looking for a good time. That all said, 'CJ' I just want to say that I've really enjoyed your blog so far and I look forward to being completely unproductive at work the rest of the day while I finish catching up.

Paul said...

So what you are saying is that all your relationships are based on lies, and you plan to keep lying to whomever you are dating.... Correct??? This sounds like a total bunch of BS, sorry CJ. But I am just on here and I came across your site. I started to read a little and decided to look at your old blogs. Now I would have no problem dating anyone in your situation, however I would not want to hear about anything from work but I would want to know what you do for work. However, just cause I read your blog and know what you do for a living does not mean I have ever been to a parlor. In fact I have never, nor do I plan on it. I do however believe that if you knew exactly what type of a man I am that you still would not date me for the simple fact that I have a brain. Cause if my girlfriend told me a lie about what she did for a living I would inevitably find out....cause I like to do all the romantic stuff like show up at her work with flowers and lunch. So if she gave me a fake job, she had better have a real good reason why i could not do that.