Distracted

Wow - I can't believe that I actually went a week without realizing I hadn't posted anything. But I guess you could say that I've been "distracted" lately. That's the polite way of saying that I've gotten laid.

Hmmmmmmm... Bitch about work or go fuck? Tough one there. Answer Email from borderline stalker or quickie in the shower? Let me think about it...

The beginning of a relationship is always fun. It's the middle part where I have to juggle privacy versus intimacy that I hate. And then there's always the end part where everything turns ugly and I eventually spend a Saturday night drinking tequila and sorting out my CD's from his.

I've been talking to you guys about the fine line you have to walk regarding personal relationships when you're in this kind of business. So will I take any of my own advice and try something different this time in the hopes that maybe it'll turn out differently? Probably not. I know me and I fear change. So I'll just stick with what I know - the slowly spiraling maelstrom of lies and deceit that ultimately ends with total relationship destruction and emotional ruin.

But for now I'm getting laid! Go me!

So let me start by giving you guys a quick idea of the unique aspects of dating an erotic masseuse.
Always Wait For Us To Shower
The last thing you want to do is suprise us with an "intimate" encounter when we first come home from work. "Oh baby... you smell so good, what's that scent you're wearing?"

"That's jizm from my 3 o'clock."

Give Us Time To Decompress After Work
I once had a boyfriend that basically tore my shirt off after I came home from work - wouldn't take "no" for an answer (the Girls are known to have that affect on people). He proceeded to give me a very thorough tongue caressing of my nipples. And I might have enjoyed it too, but unfortunately all I could think about was the breast release I had given 30 minutes ago. Totally weirded me out.

Don't Buy Us Lingerie
You really don't know what awkward is until your boyfriend asks you to wear that "special" thing he bought you last week and you suddenly realize you've already sold it to a Regular. Or even worse - you can't wear something because it's stained. And those stains aren't his...

So that's what I'm about to go through now. Wish me luck and I promise to bring you something more work related next time!

CJ

The ATM

With every rule there is an exception - and this applies to my whole 5 Stages of dating thing. I know I've beaten this topic to death, and I swear this will be the last of it (for now). But all our talk this week reminded me about this girl I used to work with.

I used to know "Cynthia" at the old Business. She massaged by day and danced at night, so at the end of any given evening, she was coming home with a boatload of cash. And let me say that she deserved it with all the hours that she worked.

Her husband loved it too. "Bradley" was that rare breed of guy who actually got off on what his wife did for a living and would brag to all his friends about his little "ATM" as he used to affectionately call her.

He loved his little ATM and did not mind one little bit what she did for a living because what she did for a living paid for his truck, and car, and motorcycle, and jet ski, and snowmobile, and all his other little toys and party lifestyle. And Bradley did have it good. His income combined with hers made for a pretty sweet lifestyle.

He was totally cool with what she did and had no jealous feelings. He knew that she wasn't a full service masseuse, and there was nothing threatening going on at the strip club. I guess you could say he was perpetually stuck in Stage 1. And what guy wouldn't be turned on by a wife that gave awesome handjobs and then shaked her ass in lingerie afterwards? Now it would be pretty cool at this point if I could say that she also brought girls home for him to mess around with, but that wasn't the case (if you want that, go read Penthouse Forum). They were just a regular ole husband and wife.

Until...

I left the Old Business before she did so I don't know how her story ends. But when I did leave, things had just started to get interesting. Cynthia was doing exactly what her Bradley should have been worried about all along - she was cheating on him with a customer (strip club, not parlor). He was a Sugar Daddy that she eventually fell for.

And that isn't even the weird part. The weird part is that the Sugar Daddy had gone so far as to befriend the husband, just so he could spend as much time as possible around Cynthia. And it worked out - for a while. They would all spend time together partying. And then it happened...

"... Hey Cynthia, why don't you and your friend fuck while I watch?"

Cynthia told me it was the hardest thing she ever had to do - have sex with her lover in front of her husband, and pretend like it was the first time. Apparently the Sugar Daddy felt the same way.

Now you would think that this was probably the absolute coolest thing that could have happened to Cynthia - two lovers fucking in broad daylight and the husband is OK with it. She did admit it was fun at first but over time it just became sick and twisted. Her feelings of guilt quickly changed over to feelings of disgust towards Bradley. How could he want to watch his wife have sex with another man?

I know all this sounds totally bizarre, but it's exactly where it left off when I lost contact with her. "Cynthia" - if you're out there, I hope everything worked out for you. Last thing she said to me before I quit that job was that she was thinking of leaving her husband for the Sugar Daddy.

OK, so I am totally done with talking about relationships for now. I promise to get back to good old fashioned handjob stories and secrets by next week.

CJ

So You Think You Can Date An Erotic Masseuse?

Well my first advice column seems to have been a big hit - so I might do it again in the near future. I have to admit though that the topic of dating is an uncomfortable one for me. As you are all painfully aware, I do not discuss ANYTHING work related with the guys that I date. That way I can completely avoid the 5 Stages of Dating An Erotic Masseuse. We'll just bicker, argue and break up like any other ordinary couple.

And it was while I was thinking of a thoughtful response to this guys problem that I had this startling realization:

I would not date me.

By that, I don't mean no one should ever ask me out. What I mean is that I couldn't date a guy who would willingly go out with a girl who does erotic massage for a living. Let me explain...

First off, for anyone who doesn't understand what erotic massage is, I would expect the 5 Stages to kick in. And thus dating me would be a slowly turning death spiral of regret and dispair that could only end in heartache and tragedy.

Now second and most importantly, for anyone who DOES understand what I do for a living, it obviously means that you frequent massage parlors and I won't date a guy who goes to massage parlors.

Does that make me a hypocrite? TOTALLY. I must be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet for not wanting to date anyone who has actually used my services! I'm sorry, but that's they way I feel. I don't want a guy who goes to massage parlors. I know what goes on in them! And I should know - I work in one.

Trina and I had a big argument about this. She's been dating this guy on and off for years and they've been stuck in Stage 4 for most of it. She says they're fine - but I say it's only because they haven't progressed to Stage 5 yet. They get together for a while, he gets jealous, calls her some names, they take a break and then it repeats all over again.

What Trina pointed out to me was this - if I can't date a guy who discovers I work in a parlor, and I can't date a guy who already knows I work in a parlor, that only leaves one other option - guys who read the blog, but have never been to a parlor, and are cool with it.

THAT fucked with my head.

I could never date a reader because they know TOO much about me! I'm sure there are some fantastic guys out there, but I've revealed too much as it is. I've given you guys a completely uncensored look at what goes on behind those dark curtains. You may think that you've heard all the stories and are OK with it, but the reality of me coming home after a hard days work and greeting you with "...not right now dear... I have to wash the semen off my breasts..." would probably not fit your definition of domestic bliss.

So I have determined that the perfect scenario for me would be to meet a newbie who had never been to a massage parlor before. He would become a Regular, but would never ask for anything freaky. Slowly we would become friends and he would vow never to see any other masseuse again. Only then would he ask me out and we would fall in love before he reveals to me that he's actually the king of an island in the Pacific and he wants me to be his benevolent queen.

Now before you all start accusing me of having totally unrealistic standards of dating, let me just say that the location of the island really isn't that important.

CJ

Mr. Perfect

Someone asked me if I'd give up all this for the "right" guy. I thought about it and the answer is no. Seriously. Not the answer you were expecting, is it?

After much soul searching (and a VERY long phone conversation with Trina the other night), I realized that I'd only leave if Mr. Right could support me (at the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed or a little better of course!). Anything short of that, and I wouldn't leave. Ya see, I'm very independent and have been pretty much taking care of myself ever since 10th grade. Because of that, it's really hard for me to depend on anyone. And if Mr. Right can't take care of his little CJ, then I see no reason to quit.

I like my job. I don't love it, but I actually like coming to work. What on Earth could I possibly enjoy about jerking guys off you ask? Well, I like most of my Regulars, the pay is decent, the work is a no-brainer, I get all the Lifetime TV shows I want, and I get to hang out with my BFF all week. What more could a girl want?! Sure, it gets weird sometimes, but it's my weirdness and I'm kinda used to it.

Some of you are probably shaking your heads and saying "Yeah, but how can you be happy when you constantly have to lie to everyone about your job?" To those people I ask you this - do you truly know what anyone else does outside of your little work world? Let's say you were an accountant, would you really tell the boring details of your day to a room full of firemen? I didn't think so. Not only would they not understand you, they wouldn't even care. Instead, we all just make general statements about how happy or miserable we are.

For example - with my co-workers I could say "I had a bad day...That last customer wanted to stick a finger up my ass..." But with a boyfriend, I would just say "I had a bad day... That last customer was a real pain in my ass..."

Exact same sentiment, different wording. So where's the lie? This approach has worked for me all these years, so I see no compelling reason to "confess" anything to anyone (other than all you beautiful, loving, adoring fans of course - that's what YOU guys are for!). So if I won't leave work for a guy, you only have yourselves to blame. Don't you feel bad now?

I think a better reason for leaving The Business is this lousy economy. I've never seen times this bad before. Once I can't make ends meet, THEN it's time to move on - not for some lousy stinking man. LOL

There, does that answer your question?

CJ

p.s. I would also like to add that I am now accepting applications for the position of Boyfriend/Fiance. Must be able to keep me in the following:

1) Fully clothed in the latest fashions from Abercrombie
2) Scantily clothed in the latest lingerie from Victoria's Secret
3) Smelling pretty with the latest scent from Burberry
4) Sparkling in the latest designs from Tiffany
5) Cruising in a late model full size pickup truck
6) Entertained with Lifetime on a HD TV
7) Typsy with the finest beers from Mexico
8) Weak-kneed from daily furious fucking
9) And tanned from semi-annual trips to Cancun

Please e-mail me a pic of the truck.

xoxoxo
CJ

I Give Great First Date

Reflex, Kenny, HOP, and Sir - thank you for being honest! No offense, but I think the rest of you are full of shit.

I've never dated a customer, but I know plenty of girls who have and it usually ended badly. Sooner or later the jealousy creeps in and gets the best of the guy. It usually wasn't deserved, but in some cases it was (what? - she didn't explain that she was full service with everyone BUT you?). Some guys hang in there, but they're almost always the total loser type - no job, no car, in a band, etc. And the funniest thing about them is that when you ask "So... how did you two meet?" they always say something stupid like "... at Borders." Yeah - like you know how to read.

Funny thing is that there never seems to be any problems with the married girls. Husbands don't seem to mind. I think it has something to do with the giant wad of cash the wife brings home at the end of the day. Money may not buy you love, but it can definitely get you to overlook that cock smell on the hands.

Even though I've never dated a customer, I have gone out with a few with mixed results. The most common problem was the guys who just assumed I was easy. Look buddy - you PAID for that handjob at work. That pasta dinner ain't getting you jack squat.

But the worst problem with seeing a guy outside of work is the "misunderstanding" that this was supposed to be a date, and NOT full-service outcall. I had a couple of these after I first got in The Business. Let me tell ya - there's nothing more awkward on a first date when he begins the conversation with "I got us a room at the Motel 6" as opposed to the more subtle "What would you like to drink?"

Now I'm sure that the rest of you guys were sincere when you said that you'd probably date someone like me in spite of what I do, and in some cases because of what I do. When you put it that way, I guess you could say that I give great first date. I could amaze you with all sorts of bizarre stories about work - and with a tight enough shirt I could keep your eyes from wandering the room. But after a few stories that end with "... then I wiped his cum off me" you guys would assume that I've replaced the good night kiss with a handjob.

Another dilemma about dating a customer is that (believe it or not) I would never want to date a guy who went to massage parlors. Heck, I even have problems with guys I'm dating going to strip clubs! The thing is, once you're a Regular, you're always a Regular. Just because he's dating me and getting all the erotic massages he wants, I know he's probably still going to another Business. I once had a coworker who started dating a customer. What she didn't know is that he used to come in when she was off to get sessions from the other girls. We never said a thing either, because he was a great tipper.

So there you have it. Now you know why I just tell guys that I'm a shampooer at a Day Spa. But if any of you out there still think you could date me, thank you! I do feel flattered.

CJ

Worst Blind Date Ever - Epilogue

I got a call from Craig over the weekend. My first thought was "Ugh - I have nothing to say to him." So I let it kick over to voicemail.

Basically he pleaded for forgiveness for his behavior and then begged me for another chance. I really wasn't expecting this response considering that he almost totally ignored me all evening, so I made a few phone calls of my own.

Apparently Marsha said a few unpleasant things to her friends who then told their friends until it eventually got back to Craig that he acted like a total asshole on Saturday. In other words, he never figured it out himself - it took about 12 people to finally clue him in.

In the voicemail, he said a bunch of his old college buddies were in town and he thought he could combine the blind date with their little reunion. Well fuck that. If I wanted an inattentive asshole I'd go back to the old Asshole. Any guy who's immune to the charms of "The Girls," is useless to me anyway.

Now I wonder what it would be like to date a customer? Or at least a guy who fully knows what I do for a living and he's OK with it. Is that even possible? Question for you guys out there - could you date an erotic masseuse and be OK with it?

Pros:
Professional massages
Decent paycheck
Wicked handjobs

Cons:
Guys constantly hitting on her
Co-workers are Ho's and Druggies
Occasional semen stain in hair

Well? Could ya do it?

CJ

The Worst Blind Date Ever

I haven't updated you guys on my personal life lately, mostly because there's been nothing to update. But all that changed this weekend. I don't like to go off topic, but this was kinda sad and funny at the same time.

As you might have remembered, I went back on the internet dating thing a few months ago. The results were pretty much zero. I've discovered that when I finally have time to sit in front of my computer, it's way more fun to gossip about work with you guys than it is to e-mail perfect strangers about how much I like long walks on the beach. I swear these guys are so boring - it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything intelligent.

Anyway, I'm friends with this married couple (we'll call them Martha and Ross) who know someone who know's someone who's "perfect" for me. In other words, it's a friend of a friend of a friend. When you're that far removed, "perfect" means little more than "single." I said "Sure, what the fuck?" I guess I could use a free meal just like the next girl.

So we ended up exchanging phone numbers and "Craig" finally called me 2 weeks ago. He's about my age, never married, owns a business selling computer stuff, too busy to date, hates 'American Idol,' blah blah blah. I told him I'm a shampooist at a local day spa, with similar issues. We exchanged our dating resumes as is routine, but after that we started talking and he turned out to be pretty interesting.

Instead of a "date" date, we decided to meet at the next big get-together between our common friends. Turns out that he has a similar twisted sense of humor as me, so we planned a few ways to mess with our friends minds. He even called me a couple times before the date to work on our jokes, and just to chat. So in other words everything seemed perfectly fine for our first meeting on Saturday night.

The plan was for my friends to meet at his place, then we'd all ride over to a local sports bar to meet everyone else. I took my own car and followed Marsha and Ross over (just in case, if you know what I mean). Craig owns a rather spacious 2 bedroom condo 2 towns over from me. We all go upstairs and not just Craig, but 4 guys greet us at the door. I recognize him from a pic he texted me, so I introduce myself and he gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek in front of his 3 friends.

These guys don't even bother to introduce themselves, since they're busy drinking, grinning and winking at each other. Then all 4 of them just walk away and return to the TV in the living room - leaving Marsha, Ross and me at the door! Ya know, a little tour of the place woulda been nice.
Being offered a beer would have been even nicer.

I give Marsha a look and she gives me one back. Ross just shrugged his shoulders. We decided to just follow them into the living room, but we don't bother to take our coats off since we're not getting a "sit down and relax" kind of vibe. After a few minutes of us talking amongst ourselves and them laughing and joking amongst themselves, Marsha kicks Ross and he suggests loudly that we head over to the bar. On the drive over, I was racking my brain - trying to remember if ignoring me was one of our little jokes we had planned. I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Finally at the bar, there's a group of about 10 other people that we join - half at the bar, half at tables. I sit down at the bar and Craig is quick to order me a drink - first correct thing he's done so far this evening. Turns out to be the last. In fact, the next 2 drinks I ordered and paid for myself.

Craig sat next to me at the bar, but he spent the ENTIRE night with his back turned to me. At first I was facing him and his friends and would try to join the conversation, but it just wasn't happening. Finally I just turned around and started glaring at my friends for doing this to me. After my 2nd drink, we actually started joking about it and I finally started to enjoy myself.

Trina texted me about the date, and I told her how awful it was. She didn't believe me, so I actually took a picture with my cell phone showing Craig sitting there with has back to me. I sent 3 more identical pics throughout the evening. She later told me she was laughing so hard by the 3rd one that she almost crashed her car.

A couple of times I heard my name followed by a couple of giggles, but that was pretty much the total interaction I had with my "date" and his friends. It was during a restroom break that I decided this evening was over. Didn't even bother to say "bye" to anyone, just went straight out the door and jumped in the car. I got home and changed into PJ's. I was brushing my teeth when I heard my phone beep. It was a text message.

I found my phone in my jacket pocket and that's when it occurred to me - where the hell is my purse? I checked everywhere and realized I must have left it in the ladies room back at that damn bar. I called the bar - no purses found. I called Marsha - she was already home too. FUCK!! My purse is gone. I was particularly pissed because I had $250 in cash, plus a gift card for Olive Garden that I was planning on using this weekend. This may sound weird, but the Olive Garden thing was more upsetting than the cash because it was a gift from my sister.

When I finally calmed down and accepted that my shit was gone, I figured How could the evening get much worse? That's when I remembered the text message. It was from Craig. It's still on my phone and I will quote it here in all of it's romantic glory.

where u @ i bot u a beeer

It's a miracle I didn't throw my phone through the wall.

CJ

Internet dating update

Hey guys,

I checked out some of those sites you suggested, but decided upon Match. They have that 6 month guarantee thing, so why not. I will NOT do E-harmony. A friend of mine once had a bad experience with them.

I have this friend who's a very devout Presbyterian...

(I know what you're all thinking - what's a nice Roman Catholic girl like me doing with a member of what's basically little more than a cult? Well, I'm very open minded when it comes to issues of religious tolerance, and I have a great capacity of caring for these poor, misguided heathen souls).

...Anyway... she was on E-harmony for several months and ended up being courted by this like-minded, religious guy. They talked for weeks and weeks about their love of the Bible and God and Jesus and even Little Baby Jesus. So when they finally decided it was time to meet, the conversation suddenly turned to what she looked like.

He was very quick to let her know that he worked out every day and was a fitness freak. When she described herself as slightly less than perfect (I think the term she used was "fluffy"), the e-mails suddenly stopped. Well, she kept at it and reminded him of their shared love for God, Jesus and Little Baby Jesus. He came around, apologized and agreed to see her.

You know where this is going, right? They had 1 date that she said went "well" but he never contacted her again. So if you think I'm going to take some stupid personality test that scientifically calculates and finds a guy who still turns out to be an asshole - you can forget it because I can do that at the local bar for free!

CJ

Internet Dating

Ya see that picture from my profile? That was taken a couple years ago when I first tried internet dating. Now I didn’t do anything normal like Match or E-Harmony or something like that. Instead, I went on this website that specialized in Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationships (yes – I was a gold digger back then). Let me tell ya, I had some of the funniest guys writing me. And I don’t mean funny ha-ha. I mean some of these guys were really bizarre and full of themselves.

The first category of guy I’d call the “Form Letter.” These were the ones that wrote a long response about how successful they were, but just needed that special someone (other than their wife in some cases). I called them “form letters” because they were generic, never referred to anything I said in my ad, and could be sent to anyone.

Then there were the “Nice tits!” guys. Gee – I feel so flattered. NEXT!

And finally, there were the real deals – guys that would actually write something interesting or funny in response to my ad. I ended up chatting with a bunch of these guys. I just loved how they wanted to pick me up in their private jet, or sail on their yacht, or shop in NYC. One guy actually asked for my Paypal address so he could start sending me money!! (No – I didn’t give it to him. What kinda girl do you think I am?)

I just enjoyed chatting anonymously with these guys more than anything. In fact, that’s where the name CJ comes from – it’s my internet name. I’d even go so far as to send a couple pics of me with the eyes blurred out (thanks in part to photoshop). But I think what really turned me off to actually meeting any of these guys was the fear that most of them were pimply faced 16 year old boys living in their parents basement, or serial killers. Know what I mean?

However, there was 1 guy that actually persuaded me to give him my number. He said he was this rich businessman who wanted to spoil me rotten. He was definitely the most interesting and believable of the guys I had been talking to. We talked a few times on the phone and eventually he said he could meet me as he was “passing through” these parts.

I don’t know why I agreed, because I felt really really weird after saying yes. I thought 3 times about just cancelling, but he sounded sooooooooooo nice on the phone. Oh well. I went through with it and met him at a local restaurant. BUT as I had feared, he was anything but a rich businessman trying to spoil me rotten. He was just a lonely traveling salesman with no money and a wife who didn’t “understand” him. We still had a nice dinner and we talked for a bit about his personal problems, but that was about it.

That’s when I gave up the internet dating thing and did things the old fashioned way – meeting guys in bars. That’s how I ended up with that last jerk.

Why am I talking about internet dating? I’m seriously thinking of jumping online again. Partly because I’m getting bored with the Brad Pitt clone, and partly because everyone on this blog thing has been so nice to me. I think I miss the anonymous computer chatting. And I promise to try a more normal service this time like Match or something. I’ll keep you posted if I find anyone interested in dating a blonde, scorpio, shampooer who likes long walks on the beach…

CJ

CJ is Single!

That’s right folks – I’m back on the market. I finally dumped the Jackass yesterday after a pretty horrible week of fighting. I don’t want to go into details here but let’s just say that it’s been a long time coming.

Of course that doesn’t mean that I’m lonely or depressed. In fact, I’ve totally been keeping my eyes open for a “rebound” for a couple months now. I’ve been hanging out a lot lately with an old boyfriend from high school. I think he was like the 2nd or 3rd guy I ever dated. Anyway, we never had sex – so he dumped me after a few months for not putting out. For some reason, this kinda stuck with me till this day, so I throw it in his face every chance I get.

To me, he looks like Brad Pitt (if Brad Pitt had thinning hair and always wore sneakers). So if I mention him on this thing, I’ll call him “Brad Pitt.” I’ve been in contact with him on and off since high school, but ever since he broke up with his girlfriend 4 months ago we started hanging out more often. Then things really picked up over the last month when I started fighting with Jackass.

Now normally I wouldn’t be wasting all this time boring you guys with seedy details of my personal life. Remember - this blog thing is supposed to be dedicated to my “professional” stories. But the whole Brad Pitt (or BP) thing throws a monkey wrench into my separation of work and home. You see – BP knows what I do for a living.

Kinda.

I think it was after a night of 12 beers and jaeger shots that I might have said something about where I work. And him being a local and all – he said something like… “You mean that ‘Rub Club’ by the highway?” (GAWD – I hate the term Rub club!)

I vaguely remember trying to explain to him through carefully selected slurred words that it’s not what he thinks and I don’t care what he’s heard. I know for a fact that he’s never been to the Business (or not our Business anyway). So I think I was able to convince him that I do massages while in a bikini. It was the best I could come up with under the circumstances!

I’m pretty sure it worked. He actually came to the Business since then to take me out to lunch. And since our foyer looks like a regular spa (especially to men who don’t go to spas), he didn’t look twice or ask any questions. So there goes my cover story of being a shampooer.

Trina asked me what I’d do if he ever decided he wanted to surprise me as a customer. I said I didn’t want to think about it since I would probably be tempted to break every rule I have regarding customers! LOL Then she asked me what I’d do if he ever came in as one of HER customers. “Well I’d just have to castrate him” I said half-jokingly.

Is that hypocritical of me? Did I even spell that word right?

I hate the idea of going through the whole dating crap all over again. I wish there were some sort of female-equivalent to massage parlors where I could just walk in – get off with some hot guy – then walk out and not worry about diseases or whether his mom will like me. I swear – if we had those, there’d be no more need for marriage!

And don't worry guys - I'll try to stay away from my personal drama and come up with some interesting work stories for next time.

CJ

Massage and the Single Girl

Had a fight today with the BF. He can be such an asshole. I know we’ve been dating for several months now, but he just doesn’t get it sometimes. He was sweet at first, even brought me lunch at work a couple of times (he couldn’t tell what goes on here from the outside). He has a key to my place, but he doesn’t come over much anymore. I swear our “dates” feel more like booty calls at this point.

One of you guys asked if significant others ever just “drop by” the Business. Rarely, and when they do, we’re legitimate enough in appearance not to arouse suspicion. Besides – guys are clueless to these things. And if a BF loves you, he’ll believe anything you tell him!

I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t found THE ONE yet. But Tom is good enough for now. I’d like to eventually meet a guy that I don’t have to hide anything from, but that ain’t gonna be any time soon. I have this nagging feeling that it won’t be till I’m outta the sex industry for good.

I wrote before about the dangers of telling BF’s about the Business, but there are exceptions. For example, Luna’s pimp boyfriend knows what she does, but for him this is a step UP from street walking (I guess nothing’s too good for HIS baby’s mama). Trina is playing the field right now, but she feels the same way I do about telling BF’s about work.

Audrey is a different story. She ONLY dates customers. She’ll never admit it, but we all know. Since she spends so much time here, customers are the only men she meets! I know this is a total violation of Dating Rule #1 (Never Date Customers), but Audrey has it down to a science. She only sees them casually and never gets serious. And most of her dates (if you can call them that) are of the weekend getaway type. I couldn’t tell you if any cash is exchanged during these dates, but I do know that she tends to prefer gentlemen who shower her with gifts. They have the MO of married guys, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. And since she dates customers, this has only confirmed my suspicions that she’s now full service.

While I’m on the subject of Boyfriends again, I may as well tell ya something useful. At work we NEVER tell customers that we’re involved. And if we do, it’s always with a “girlfriend” (you guys are such suckers for that story). As far as the customers know, we are all SINGLE, AVAILABLE, AND LOOKING. It’s all part of that illusion we create that you stand a chance with us. I hear that strippers do something similar. After all, what’s sexier? Confessing how I lezzed out with one of my girlfriends last night, or complaining that my baby’s daddy is late on the child support?

We always tell the customers that we’re single. It plays on your sympathies and encourages you guys to open up that wallet a little bit wider in an effort to impress us. Hate to pop your bubble, but we’re just as likely, if not more, to be off the market. Most of the girls I’ve had the pleasure to work with over the years have had guys, but unfortunately of the most sleazoid kind. The massage business (particularly the Full Service places) tends to attract a lot of ex-hookers and druggies, who usually support their BFs. I don’t know what it is, but these chicks LOVE a guy with no money, car, or place to live. Go figure.

Another reason we keep our personal lives personal, is for safety. I mean eventually with some regulars we’ll tell the truth, but all masseuses have stories of stalkers who’ve threatened to “Tell All” to our BFs. Heck, I once had a stalker threaten to beat up my BF! Yes – even yours truly has a made this mistake and learned the hard way to keep her mouth shut.

You wanna know who can keep a secret around here? Married guys. That’s right. They’re so used to keeping their own secrets, that a couple of mine thrown in there are perfectly safe. Plus, some married guys don’t even care if I have a BF. In fact, they often enjoy my own personal drama since it’s not their own. So I have a couple of married regulars that I treat as my own personal psychiatrists.

However, don’t start thinking now that I bare my soul to all the married men. Turns out that the marrieds hold out more hope for seducing me than single guys! I don’t know what it is, but sooooo many of these guys develop this fantasy of leaving their wife for me. And I don’t even encourage it!!!!! They just love to go on and on about ditchin’ the bitch, and “saving” me from this life of drudgery. I can’t tell you how many hundreds of times I’ve heard that story. I just want to roll my eyes and say “yeah yeah whatever. You and the last guy in here…” But they tip well, so who am I to argue with them if they just want to live out a fantasy for an hour?

Well I’m sorry about bitching about my personal life. But I hope you all learned something in the process. Keep those questions coming! See ya!

CJ