Going independent isn't all it's cracked up to be. I finally caught up on all the comments from the last 2 weeks. Some of you suggested I get my own office space, and I agree that wouldn't be a bad idea. The problem is money.
You see, since leaving The Business I went from several appointments and walk-ins a week to just a handful. I do get more per session now, but back at The Business, I was seeing way more customers. My sessions now aren't as ala carte as they used to be. My Regulars just kinda offer me a fixed amount with a vague agreement of what I will or won't do. So basically I'm pretty broke, and being broke does not help in establishing clear and strict boundaries. I'm not proud of this.
For example, I had a session last week that I think bumped me up to your freshman year girlfriend. It was one of my more loyal Regulars, so I'm more relaxed and trusting around this customer than most. Well, he wanted a thigh release. For you newbies out there, a thigh release is where I clamp my legs together and the guy slides his cock between my thighs. It's pretty much as close to fucking as you can get.
Well, I haven't done that in a while, but I agreed. I obviously forgot why I stopped. You see, he wanted to do it missionary style which meant his naked body on top of mine. Now during a standard happy ending, I can detach myself from the handjob. Only my hand is in contact with the customer, and the motions are pretty mechanical to the point where I can mentally balance my checkbook at the same time I'm bringing a guy to orgasm. But a missionary style thigh release is pretty much all the nasty, dirty and sweaty bits of fucking without the actual penetration.
I felt his body on top of mine. I felt the thrusts and could see the look on his face. I could feel his heavy breaths on my face. And when he finally came, I was expecting him to simulate cumming inside me by just thrusting down and staying there so the semen goes between my legs and into the sheets. But instead, he pulled out and jerked himself off all over my stomach. Then he collapsed on top of me - just like a high-school boyfriend. So there we were in a sticky, sweaty heap on his bed. It was so bad I asked to use his shower which I never do.
And this led to the most guilt I've felt in a while. I mean I was pretty much just inches away from full service. And for me it was all the sensations and consequence of actual fucking. I felt guilty and dirty about what happened. I felt the closest I've ever felt to cheating on Derek - and that says a lot considering what I do for a living.
CJ
67 comments:
This business seems to give you a lot of ups and downs. have you considered getting another job? One that is much more...stable. also I hope that you have enough money to open up that tanning salon you've always wanted. I think you'd make a terrific boss cause you have tons of customer experience ;)
Wow, C.J., I do happy endings for a living but that story was disturbing. I agree it's easy to detach and so I think you really need to stick to the standard stuff....and no outcall! I realize money is an issue but a studio shouldn't be too much...or hell maybe it's time to get out altogether. This business is not forever, even I am planning on leaving it eventually. I have no idea how you keep it from Derek.
CJ, as someone who has experienced erotic massage in business, independent in-call and independent outcall, I have to say you're making a big mistake.
You can control the situation. You must control it. You need to set the rules of what you will and won't do to your satisfaction.
There is no reason that a customer who was accepting the rules when you were in the business will not when you're on outcall. There should be no difference. It's no secret that guys will ask for as much as they can get, and they clearly recognize your discomfort and weakness, so they are taking advantage of it. And there is no reason for them to pay anything less than they were for the exact same services. On outcall they should pay more since you have to travel.
Even this sweaty guy...next appointment, you just tell him you don't want to do that anymore. That you appreciate him as a client and will offer exactly what you offered in the business and for no lower a price (price being what you got + what the business got. They will take it. They're horny and they have the money.
They're desperate, so don't you be.
And I want to ratify one of the comments on your previous post:
1) Buy a massage table
2) Bring the same attitude and price list to the transaction
3) Enforce the rules the 1st time and every time
4) Keep an eye on the clock and stick with a schedule.
And for #3, for the ones you've "slipped" on already, just go back to the original policy. They may complain a bit, but they'll accept it.
As a fan of your writing, I appreciate the wit and intelligence you bring to creating this blog and dealing with the ups and downs of your time in and now out of the the business.
But, I think it's time to get out. you are seeing how easy it would be to slip in to full service and you know that you don't want to go there. Take all the charm and work ethic and brains and go out and get a job. The economy is tough, yes, but the consequences of letting just one client get out of hand would be horrible.
All of your fans want better things for you.
Be careful what you do on your bf's computer. It's becoming very easy to capture every keystroke logged on your device and if there is any suspicion on his end, there are very, very affordable solutions available.
Well, I just have to be a bit of a pervert. Face it, most of us here are.
The closer you come to providing full service, the hotter it is :)
Regardless, hope you get all this straightened out. I hope even more that we keep getting hot stories from whatever you're doing.
that is a sad story cj
Oh, yeah...
For those who keep giving CJ advice (and I've been one), getting a massage table and/or studio might bring serious attention from Derek about exactly where time is spent and money is coming from.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to wonder enough to check up on things.
Love all your posts CJ. I see a book coming soon!! I have one question I went to a massage parlor the other day. Received oral for free no questions or hints about anything. She just done it and said come back and see me soon!!! WTF
i told you do a webcam show..thats were all the money is at...and you can do it at home duh...start making bank already
One step closer I see....
Like what you are doing now isn't cheating lol.
This post gave me some perspective. My current girlfriend is a prostitute in Thailand who I met through a mutual friend. It's a long distance relationship, obviously. I love her very much, but it is very hard for me to deal with her employment, obviously. She has to support her mother and her daughter. If and when we get married, obviously, things will change, but for the time being, this is where we are. Thanks for reminding me that it might be as tough emotionally for her as it is for me, if not more so, seeing as she probably carries a burden of guilt as well. This post inspired me to man up, not be a bitch and feel sorry for myself, and be as supportive of her as I can.
W O W
good post.. I love your stories :)
I am just going to jump in here and say "WHAT AL SENSU SAID".
You need to take control of this, for yourself.
C'mon CJ, you're smart. You know this already - you need to lay down the law here. And enforce it. No matter how many puppy-eyes or snotty attitudes you get about it - business is business.
Take care of yourself.
if you ever want to go a step beyond, i am sure you will be a big hit.i am sure you can make 5 times this money in 1 visit and be selective. Great life style, more money for less work. What you have explained here is sex no matter what hole he is f*ckin you in. Emotionally you felt like having sex with a shower to finish..YOU JUST HAD SEX!!! atleast make more money from it. Hell, you might even make $$$$$ with me for a pop.
Hi hon!
FIRST OF ALL I LOVE YOUR HONESTY!!!!
I second what Al Sensu said. I do not bring the table around with me. I live in NYC. I know a lot of people. My clients have doormen. I also do not live alone.
Nevertheless I second the thing about the boundaries.
I set a serious, serious tone, while being playful. I think you need to expand your client base, and find people who don't feel like they're "seeing you outside the club" as our sister sex workers who strip would say. It's always a big no to get too personal unless these people really do become friends--like 1 in a zill. lol
Oh, man, I SO want to talk to you, and like, tell you about how I can never listen to Van Morrison because it fills me with sickness remembering the aging musician in the fleabag East Village walkup who paid me hundreds of dollars to massage him for hours while he moaned, "ohhhh....bayyyyybyyyy......ohhhhhhh......baaaaayyybbbyyyyyyy"
Sending you the UTMOST solidarity. I use Craigs to advertise. I know it's risky, but it actually attracts a better clientele (upscale) than the main publication here in NYC people use.
CJ...I just wanna say...I SO relate. And I'm SO glad you're posting...and sharing so honestly.
Anything I say doesnt come from any moralistic aw gee ya gotta stop this thing. I fucking get it cause I live it. Nor is it, this is great, do it forever. I don't wanna do it forever either. But I hope you get in touch with me cuz there are some trails I think I have blazed that might be helpful to you in this process!
I mean I have been through a lot in two years of doing it. Lawdy lawd! lol
Best,
Natalia
natalia in nyc at geeeeeeeeeee mail
I agree...get your own space....landlords are dealing BIG TIME right now. THen let me know where it is :)
It sounds like your financial situation has you seriously doubting your own decisions. I have been looking at your posts for a few weeks now (my job involves me not doing a lot for long periods of time) and it is pretty clear to me you have enough common sense to not get in above your head. You may have made a less than great decision but that's life and I would advise not dwelling on it. You cannot undo it, just learn lessons from it. I would also assume your current dependency on Derek is further driving your concerns.
You know your limits, have had them tested and passed the test. You have enough intellect to not make monumentally bad decisions. I would advise you to have more faith in yourself. You made it abundantly clear you aren't going tko turn tricks outside of the happy ending. You don't seem to be doing anything outside of what you previously did...but I get that monetary concerns can be a huge problem for anybody and raise doubts.
Also, really interesting blog.
As a long time reader and fan of your blog, let me vote with those who say it is time to make a change of careers. You are obviously struggling and I think you need to make a clean break. Starting something new might be intimidating, but I think you'll feel better about yourself. I would miss your posts, but I would feel better knowing you've turned a page in your life. And hopefully one for the better. Best of luck!
a matter of time....
Ace -
Sorry to respond directly, and I am sure you won't choose to believe me, but she is not in love with you. You are one of several foreign men she is stringing along for money in the hopes that she can 'marry you' someday. I am friends with many people in the local Thai community, and this is a very common scam that is run (same thing from Russia, btw), and unless you are fabulously wealthy you'll never get the girl.
Please stop sending money. I'm sure you are, its why she's in touch. Once you have 'financial difficulty' you'll find out quickly how true her 'love' for you is. Guarantee it.
Sorry to break it to you. Not trying to be harsh. I've just seen this one in action more than once.
Love the blog CJ. If I were you, keep all of it, throw in some stories about your family and any wild party days and get it published.
You're kinda painted in a corner with your profession. Nobody has much money for any kind of massages these days. You're guna need health insurance at some point..Just taking on a part time job might give some fresh perspective. Good luck!
CJ,
First, let me add my name to the long list of your fans who have praised your writing. I have read your ENTIRE BLOG over the past couple of months, including many but not all of the comments. Often, your writing has made me laugh. Sometimes you've made me angry. Many times you've made me hard. But I don't think I've ever been bored, whether you wrote about your experiences in The Business, your personal life, your advice to those seeking massages, or your personal opinions.
I have some views of my own that I will offer in time, if this excellent and interesting blog does continue. I will just note that I was very disappointed to read about your separation from the Business, as I fear it means that the end of this excellent saga is drawing near.
However, I am dying to hear the story behind your departure.
Mike
CJ,
You need to decide who you are, and what you want to be in life. You're finally realizing that you just can't rationalize the emotion out of sexual contact. Good for you.
Also, on a completely selfish note, now that you're gone from the business, why not tell us where it's located?
I bettin you could write some really good stories for porn flicks based on your writing ability, imagination, and experience.
cj,
you are standing on a bridge, one of them old humpbacked japan bridges, staring at the brook flowing beneath you.
you are standing on a bridge watching you life flow by. downstream is the past, things that have already happened that cannot be changed. upstream is the future, those things that have not yet happened and can still be altered.
you standing on a bridge watching your future come into the present and recede into the past. you are standing in the only spot from which you can view your past objectively and change your future.
you are standing on a bridge knowing what you were and what you are about to become. even though you may feel you know what you are doing and where you are going there are future events beyond your intimate control.
you are standing on a bridge watching doors close as you open others. opportunities undreampt, unimaginable now invisible and unknowable simply because of closed doors.
just make sure that whatever it is you end up doing has been well thought out and determined to be rational and productive.
i am an ex-junkie standing on a bridge watching my life go by in the stream below. once a junkie always a junkie. crave the dragon, taste the dragon, and spend the rest of your life chasing the dragon. the only way to stop being a junkie is to not fix the next time. and after you don't fix this time the next thing you do is not fix the next time. and so it goes.
CJ, you're peering into the abyss. There isn't any going back if you fall in.
Turn back now before it's too late. Do something else, do anything but this. Please.
Don't get the hate for CJ. You act like a very bitter crush gone wrong.
I personally don't see why what she does is illegal. It certainly isn't hurting the clients...heck, they want her services clearly. If both parties are able to consent and do so, it being illegal is silly.
This is damaging-to CJ, the client, and families. The wives of these men have their faith, trust, and self-worth destroyed. The men are sex addicts, would you offer heroine to a drug addict? Would you drop your kids off for a known pedophile to babysit? CJ-the first time you gave a handjob or took your shirt off for money you became a prostitute not a masseuse.
If u havnt realized it or not your pretty much cheating on him weather your doing full service or not...
Keeping hidden the things u are doing isnt right for him if he thinks ur doing a real job
Just imagine if he was secretly fingering girls for a living i dont think you would like that
CJ,
Welcome back! I miss you!
You're close to crossing the line of no return and once you cross that line you will never be able to take it back...besides, one miss stroke and he's in...
Tightend
Anonymous said...
I am standing on a bridge waiting to jump off and kill myself for actually wasting time and reading the 'standing on a bridge' crap comment.
8/24/11 3:11 PM
My dear friend, the world will be a far superior place at the instant of your death, so please please please hurry up and kill yourself as you sort of promised to do.
Until then, why don't you consider not posting stupid comments? I know I would think the better of you if you stopped the insanity.
Stop the insanity? What fun would that be?
anon 2:38
if you find it fun to harm others then there is nothing i can say to you about why that is uncool other than to say when it happens to you please do not sit around wondering why it happened to you. just remember that it is the fun stuff and you'll be ok.
Hi CJ! Long time reader, first time comment-er. I don't want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do, I just want to say this:
If you don't feel comfortable with what you're doing then you should try to evaluate what you're doing and try to find a way to make it better. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't leave the business, but you should re-evaluate your boundaries and practices so that you can feel happy and confident with what you are doing.
I wish you all the best.
I really wish there was a way to screen these comments.
The anonymous assholes who have a dead-seated hatred for women (and themselves) need to be quieted.
In wordpress, comments can be approved/deleted before being posted.
brickhenry, my comment was meant to be sarcastic and was directed at the haters in the room. Next time, I'll make sure my comments convey my thoughts more clearly.
I actually like CJ and wish nothing but the best for her.
CJ, It's time to get out and move on to a brighter chapter in your life. Open your tanning salon. It's time. I've been telling you that for a while now.
Actually, I think Bill Clinton was the best president that ever lived. I have met him several times, and even danced with him once on a cruise ship. And I do not give a flying flip who he sleeps with, because it is none of anyone's business. And I also like CJ, and support her in whatever she is doing, because I have been there, and done that, and got the t-shirt, and lived to tell about it, and so will she. I think that if CJ weren't careful and didn't have any boundaries she would still be at the Business doing full service and living with an old man sugar daddy instead of dating someone she truly cares for.
cares so much she beats off strangers to help cover the rent.
and hides it behind lies.
yeah, that's fuckin true love right there.
CJ
I had suggested before that you consider getting a college degree,
this may be the ideal time.
Unemployment is high, grab a 2 year AA at a local community college, it gets you out of Dereks place, gives you some structure, and you get to advertise yourself as a college girl.
The other thing is if you are studying, it's a great time absorber while looking for a client.
-pat
I remember reading that you are a trained massage therapist. If you have a massage school certification you can get licensed in PA. The switch to going legit might be difficult but there are plenty of docs hiring massage therapists. Just my two cents.
CJ - the seeds of an addiction have been planted (or in this case should we say, almost planted? lol). Boundaries, regret, promises, broken promises, cycles, etc. Maybe it's time to join your local SA group once a week? Just a thought. ;-)
First of all... why is it wrong? Why is this a "degrading" act? I don't see it.
I just hope you decide to continue writing, since you are such a good writer and this has been such an interesting read.
Mike
Hi CJ!
I come to your blog late and this comment may or may not help you but don't let the hatred get to you. Reading the comments here really could get you down. You do have options. If you're trained cmt are there any chiropractic practices that can use your skills? Where I live in Delaware County we have a number of places that could use your skills. You can continue in the erotic massage biz but insist on the rules being the rules. If a regular was ok with them at the parlor they will still be ok with themmom an outcall basis. I just wanted to say please keep us posted. You're loved and thought of by most of your readers just ignore the ones that will hate you no matter what you decide
C.J.
When I read your "Update" posting I was remined of something you wrote a couple years ago.
On October 30, 2008, you wrote," variation I'll do is me on my back while he lies on top and pretends like we're fucking. Needless to say, the 2nd variation I will only do with guys I'm really comfortable with. Good breath helps too. In this position, he'll usually finish on my stomach or breasts."
So, isn't this a normal extra you offer to customers you are comfortable with or are the rules changing?
Thank you,
Rod
So, this isn't anything new after all. Thanks, Rod!
Dick-headed trolling isn't new, either. Thanks, Anonymous!
yea you anonymous cunts!
why can't you guys use real names like the rest of us and cj who are open and easily found instead of just anonymous!
youse guys are always trolling for us by having different opinions! that's lame! your lame!
cj! you do what you want to do coz your awesome and i like reading your stories so much that you ttotally need to keep doing what yuo do because no one should try and pont out if you might be not doing good things! keep up writing@!
Uh, that is my real name up to the "999" part. I do not know who is using my email address here, but I wish they would stop. It is extremely disquieting to see my email address used as someone's name on a comment I did not make. Please stop or I will be forced to do something about it.
Brick Henry
Oh BrickHenry, I'd love to see you "do something about it."
I'm shaking in my knickers.
what the hell is going on? none of these people are me and i am not changing my username. cj you can contact me here if you need me.
CJ... I spent most of the holiday reading your blog. I loved a lot of your stories. This one kind of made for a sad ending. I hope you move on to something else. Even if its going to work for another EMP. It just works better to have your work in one place with set rules.
-J
Were building up crescendo for the finale I bet. Like a big mental handjob.
A mental handjob! I love it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRwavkOYu2Q&feature=related
Dear little trouble maker...
...this isn't one of the normal Anon...only because I know you Very personally. Will I ever tell hell no...but I do know that you will really laugh at the last part of this and be able to impersonate it well...silly girl...so know even-tho im gone i have not forgotten.
Well, I'm really afraid we've lost CJ. This was such a great blog.
But, it did seem like the place to post this story:
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/massage_parlor_mistrial_declared_after_masseuse_recognizes_defense_lawyer_a/?utm_source=maestro&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=weekly_email
Reflex, it's Ace posting under anonymous, forgot my password and stuff, sorry to respond directly back, but here we go, as I don't know how to reply otherwise. I'm quite familiar with the scam, been traveling to Thai for going on 7 years now, and know my way around the "scene" there quite well. Haven't sent her a dime, the first time she asked, I'd have cut if off without a second thought. I guess what I am trying to say is that I know what I'm doing, and yes, I know how stupid it is. Contrary to popular belief, some (few) of those relationships do work... I've seen them work out and fail (fail far more often, of course) myself, I guess I'm just hoping I'm one of the few in a thousand and willing to roll the dice. You only live once, right? Thanks for your concern, but your initial prediction is right... onward we go. :)
Now as this is supposed to be about CJ and not my own crap problems, I'll shut up now.
ace and reflex
this is supposed to be about cj, so fill us in right now on the thai scam she is supposedly running. this is at least as interesting as her venture into outcall.
Sweri
Wow.
I think McLovin needs to get McLaid.
no just visiting,
he doesn't need to get mckaid, he needs to get mcdead
MrMike:
I'm afraid you're right... CJ might very well be gone - hopefully we'll get a couple more posts from her before she bows out.
I can't say this would surprise me. Early in the blog she made comments about using saved money to open her own (legit) place. That talk hasn't come up in a long time.
IMO she's just so far into this business she's got no options - certainly not any choices she still wants to be doing when she's 50.
And this makes me sad. She might not win awards for Highest Moral Standards, but she's smart, funny, and entertaining. It's hard not to hope good things for her (some posters notwithstanding).
the thing is, those posters, who still occasionally believe there's a level of reality there and not just a load of shit (more and more likely daily) actually would feel sad for someone in said predicament.
the problem is that the persona is one of a liar who can't admit she's selling sex for money, lying to everyone aroudn them, and generally engaging in morally bankrupt behaviour. the peanut gallery applauds it because they either live vicariously through it or they jerk off to it and don't want their material compromised.
there's been a few people over the years who've commented that its just sort of sad, and the further you slide down the hole the harder it is to come out.
and step one of the twelve step program is admittance.
Great post,I really like your article
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