Sunday, September 11, 2011
I don't like doing this anymore.
I think that's obvious considering how often I update nowadays. It's not that I don't have the time anymore. In fact, I probably have too much time on my hands. It's just that every time I sit down to write something, I get embarassed or even depressed over anything I have to say.
This started off with my "confessions" over some of the wacky shit that happens to me at The Business. But now that I'm independent, everything has changed. The one thing I considered constant in all that's happened is Me - "CJ." Whatever I had to talk about, it was about my take on all the insanity that was going on around me. I've always considered my stories not so much about me, but about everything else. I was the one thing that remained constant.
But now it feels that all that is out the window. At least when I was working within the walls of The Business, there were rules and I knew what to expect and people knew what to expect of me. Today it feels like there are no rules and I have to constantly adapt to my new situation.
Part of the problem - to be totally honest - is that my clients expect more from me. Outside The Business, they think anything goes. I've had some customers for years who always asked for the exact same thing in session. But when we move things to a new location like a hotel room, they're asking for blowjobs, fingering, going down on me, etc. I mean, it's always been the same me - it's just the room that's changed. What makes you think I'm going to say "yes" now?
Well for starters, there is no Audrey looking over my shoulder. At first I thought it would be a sense of relief to go independent - and it was. But then I realized that guys weren't just following my rules, they were following the rules of The Business. Something about a storefront and a sign that makes guys want to obey the rules.
Then there's the money. I'm making more per client, but my numbers are no where near what I had before. So now I'm, for lack of a better word, desperate. There, I said it. I need the money, and suddenly I'm blaming myself for being "uptight." What's the problem if a customer wants to stick a couple fingers up my pussy. It's just for a few seconds, right? That's the deal. Two fingers. I'll moan a little bit to make him happy, then it'll be over. Car payment made.
THAT is the kind of shit I've been tortured with over the last couple of months. So now do you blame me for not wanting to sit down at the end of a day and share my latest adventure with you? Before, a typical story was a guy wearing women's underwear. Today it's how I spent 45 minutes convincing myself NOT to let a customer go down on me. Or how my last argument ended with the words "Fine. Just don't get any in my eye."
Now it's all about me and I don't like it.