Sunday, September 11, 2011

Rock Bottom

I don't like doing this anymore.

I think that's obvious considering how often I update nowadays. It's not that I don't have the time anymore. In fact, I probably have too much time on my hands. It's just that every time I sit down to write something, I get embarassed or even depressed over anything I have to say.

This started off with my "confessions" over some of the wacky shit that happens to me at The Business. But now that I'm independent, everything has changed. The one thing I considered constant in all that's happened is Me - "CJ." Whatever I had to talk about, it was about my take on all the insanity that was going on around me. I've always considered my stories not so much about me, but about everything else. I was the one thing that remained constant.

But now it feels that all that is out the window. At least when I was working within the walls of The Business, there were rules and I knew what to expect and people knew what to expect of me. Today it feels like there are no rules and I have to constantly adapt to my new situation.

Part of the problem - to be totally honest - is that my clients expect more from me. Outside The Business, they think anything goes. I've had some customers for years who always asked for the exact same thing in session. But when we move things to a new location like a hotel room, they're asking for blowjobs, fingering, going down on me, etc. I mean, it's always been the same me - it's just the room that's changed. What makes you think I'm going to say "yes" now?

Well for starters, there is no Audrey looking over my shoulder. At first I thought it would be a sense of relief to go independent - and it was. But then I realized that guys weren't just following my rules, they were following the rules of The Business. Something about a storefront and a sign that makes guys want to obey the rules.

Then there's the money. I'm making more per client, but my numbers are no where near what I had before. So now I'm, for lack of a better word, desperate. There, I said it. I need the money, and suddenly I'm blaming myself for being "uptight." What's the problem if a customer wants to stick a couple fingers up my pussy. It's just for a few seconds, right? That's the deal. Two fingers. I'll moan a little bit to make him happy, then it'll be over. Car payment made.

THAT is the kind of shit I've been tortured with over the last couple of months. So now do you blame me for not wanting to sit down at the end of a day and share my latest adventure with you? Before, a typical story was a guy wearing women's underwear. Today it's how I spent 45 minutes convincing myself NOT to let a customer go down on me. Or how my last argument ended with the words "Fine. Just don't get any in my eye."

Now it's all about me and I don't like it.


terrible said...

I have always harbored doubts about how honest you are on this blog. And I guess in order for me to enjoy I had to forget that you were a real person. This blog seems so honest and vulnerable that I feel embarrassed. Like I walked in on someone naked. And I feel closer to you because of it. So, I felt obligated to say something to you.
"Be true to yourself" It is a corny saying but there is a core of truth. It means , we all have rules we create for ourselves that we live by. This is ok. But, that is not. And everybody draws the line in a different place.
Consider yourself lucky that you have this place to keep yourself honest. I wonder how many of us would have the kind of courage it takes to lay it all out there in writing.
So, my advice (not that I have any right to give it) is turn back, now, before you break your own rules.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog, been up all night reading all the old posts. Sorry to hear all the doubts in your mind as an independent. What can I say other than I find myself troubled too, which is weird since I didn't even know of you until tonight. I will keep on reading (so much to catch up on) and maybe I can offer some semblance of comforting advice, but I'm sure you must have loyal readers who can provide enough encouragement. Wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

I don't think, it's the storefront, that keeps the guys honest.
Just the fact, that you are independent now is taken as a sign, that you don't play by the old rules any more.
YOU have to draw the line and maybe walk out on a customer, even if it hurts.
The room in The Business was your own turf, the hotel room is not. That's why some guys become a******, as soon as you close the door.

It's easier for guys just to go out for an hour or two and see you at The Business, than setting up a hotel and call you well in advance. Sometimes the window of opportunity is very small indeed.
If you're not willing to put up with that, I recommend switching jobs or look for a new Business, that takes you on.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, CJ! I'm sure you'll find the right mojo to work off of! (And as a reader, I'll be okay even if you stop blogging as a masseuse. A blog about CJ may or may not be my cup of tea but it ain't wrong either.)

Al Sensu said...

CJ, I've posted similar comments to what I'm going to say today but I guess it doesn't mean much to you: I've gone to independents in multiple cities, both incall and outcall, over a couple of decades, and *every single one* of them sets rules and makes them clear, in a nice way. The majority of guys are still teenagers when it comes to our impulses...we'll get what we can get away with. If our girlfriend at 14 lets us put our hand under her shirt we will, and if she doesn't we wont. Really, all you need to do is set whatever rules you are comfortable with and charge accordingly. If your customer really wanted to go for full service he'd be doing that, but either he doesn't really want it or he's uncomfortable with those establishments. I'm not saying what you should do or not do, just saying you can and must set rules that you are comfortable with and charge accordingly. The majority of your clients will stay and return. There is some truth to the expectation that regulars get better mileage, but that is within the context of the range of activity you permit. It's not too late to tell the clients who have seen you since you've gone independent that you have a new approach and you need them to respect that, and you can still show them a real good time.

Anonymous said...

I've read your blog for years, and its always been funny to me the lengths you went to convince your self you weren't a sex worker or you were somehow a different category of sex worker because you limited your menu.

If you don't like sex work don't do sex work, otherwise you wind up like every other burned out old whore wondering where all went wrong,all your time misspent doing something you hate, all your money wasted trying to buy back the pieces of your self you sold to make a buck...

Vapid Vixen said...

I love that the harshest commenters are always the cowards who post shit anonymously. Gotta respect that. *rolls eyes*

MrMike ( said...

I wanted to second Al Sensu's comments, before this comment section is inundated with hostile comments such as that of the anonymous asshole who posted at 12:55. As an independent, you CAN establish your own limits that are consistent with your idea of yourself, and you CAN enforce them. I'm sure it would be easier to do in a professional type setting than it is in a hotel room, but if you are clear in your own mind where your limits are, you can communicate them to your customers. Might I suggest that you just look them in the eye, before the session starts, before they even get naked, and say, "You understand that my limits are my limits, and they have not changed."
I also thought you might find some support in another blog (which I found and started reading when I lost the ongoing pleasure of reading your writing:

(She started as a webcam performer, but has moved to FBSM. Her limits are a bit different than yours, but the issues she struggles with are the same.

Finally, I have to say, selfishly, that I hope you continue to write, because it has been so interesting and enjoyable, and because I am dying to hear the story of how you ended your employment at The Business.


Anonymous said...

CJ - As with a previous poster, I'm new to your blog and have just caught up.

Environment is everything. Most if not all of your clients have fantasized about having sex with you. So now, you are going into their home (Presumably a place where they've had sex before) and massaging them on their bed (again, presumably where they've had sex before), you're naked, they're naked and you are now making your own decisions. You can't get fired for "crossing the line". In fact you will financially benefit from crossing the line.

The situation is set up for the lines that you relied on to blur.

Once you allow them to insert fingers, they will expect that every time and keep incrementally edging you towards full service. That is what they want. I'm sure that many of them are decent enough guys, but they want you THAT badly.

If you want to stay in the same business and want to be your own boss, I would really really really suggest (as other have), that you give up the outcall and get an inexpensive office space. Once the clients are out of their house and back onto a massage table, away from their beds you'll be less of a "girlfriend for a day" and more of a massage therapist again.

Patwx said...

Guess what I said about car payments as truer than not, eh? WTF do I know, though, I probably posted it anonymously.

So, clients can finger you and come on your face now, eh? You willing to go BBJ for an extra $50, or do I need to hold out another 3 months for that? Shit, I'm not picky, I'll take CBJ for $50. I understand, you don't wanna get AIDS or some shit from the prostitution work. I guess it wasn't a fear when it was just some dude spewing on your hand, but its different when you wrap your lips around him.

But, its cool...rationalize it, there's no love in a blow job, right?

Anonymous said...

What I've been thinking of, since you quit at the Business: how expensive is your life style? Could you make it less expensive?

Move to a cheaper appartment?
Buy a cheaper car?
Move in with Derek?

Perhaps not exactly the life youwant to live, but this shit isn't making you any happier either, isn't it?

And on top of that, I'll agree with what Al Sensu said. Your customers will obey to your rules when you set them.
Really, if a blowjob had been so important to them, they would in the past all have switched to Cindy and Audrey right?

Maria said...

Hang in the CJ! I am in the same position as you. I once worked for "The Business" and now I am an Independent. My only advice is be true to yourself! If it makes you uncomfortable then don't do it. But if you do choose to do those things you have to be able to live with the consequences and deal with the emotional/ physical abuse. Your blog is very real and blunt and I admire you for being so honest.

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ, I have been reading your blog for a while, and while you were with The Business, your posts were generally happy. The "freak of the week" was there, but for the most part you were able to make it funny. Now all of your updates are sad, and it sounds like you feel like you no way out, and I feel unhappy for you. To me this sounds a lot like depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression a while ago, I was in an bad relationship among other factors and I felt trapped where I was, I didn't think things were going to get better. It was difficult for me to admit that I wasn't just "sad", but that I was "depressed, but when I did seek professional help things slowly but surely got better, and one of the things I realized is that no matter how bad things seem now, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I think a big part of depression is the inability to see and believe that things are going to get better.

Maybe you see a counselor to help you, maybe you make things better by setting stricter boundaries with your customers, maybe you go back to your old business or start working for a new one, maybe you move to a new town, maybe you go into a different line of work altogether. The point is that things aren't working the way you want right now, but there are steps that you can take to improve things.

Melissa Blade said...

Hi CJ,

Like the others, I feel compelled to give some advice because, although I don't know you, I empathize and want to see the best for you.

My advice falls in line with the other (non-anonymous commenters) about setting rules, etc. I am an independent and for the most part, love the work and the lifestyle it provides. If you are DONE with this whole thing.... seriously, you get something like 5,000 hits a day. Take this blog, make it into a book, and self-publish it on the Kindle for $1.99, of which you will get 70%. No matter what, this blog proves people want to read what you write Good luck!

Asaraludu said...

You're a really good writer - been following your blog here for quite awhile, though I've never posted.

Like "terrible" says, this seems to be you at your most raw and vulnerable. That takes a certain kind of guts. I'll keep reading for sure, and if you do publish a book, I suspect you'll do quite well.

You have a powerful gift. And I'm not talking about your kung-fu grip. You're already doing what you're meant to do - write! Go make some money at it!

Anonymous said...

can we got more details on the outcalls?

rdg-abe said...

You know what, you ARE a good writer. You SHOULD attempt to clean it up and make something of all this. Absolutely.

You also shouldn't be looking for reasons to complete this shit as you've managed to come face to face with the soul crush, the lies, the filth, and the fact that rub-n-tugs are still prostitution.

Good, now make a break and make a life for yourself. Take a financial hit, go give massages to little old ladies, and move on.

Oh, and if it really costs $2 to self publish, you should. They're right, you are a writer, but you're not a writer who should plan a career on it. Maybe it happens, but its not a career parachute.

Your "nice fans with proper names" are all assholes and don't actually give a fuck. Take a hint from all the dickheads who come along with fake names and laugh at you... we're closer to reality than the rest of this shit.

MrMike said...

You should take a look at Melissa Blade's blog. I think it will help you think about where you are at.
(As I said in my last post, I started reading hers when you stopped posting and I was looking for an alternative. She's also a very good writer, but that's beside the point.)
Oh, and I hope you get some emotional support from knowing that many of us who have enjoyed your writing are pulling for you.


Advizor54 said...

I've always thought that it was a tribute to you and your honesty that you get such long comments, well thought out notes to you and about what you say. Ignore the anonymous crap, for sure, but there are some good thought here.

The idea I cam up with, as corny as it may sound, is a little flip chart poster with "The Rules" written down.

Seeing "The Rules" in writing, as opposed to making them part of the negotiation process takes the pressure off you. They want a blow job? Point to rule #4, "No Oral Sex" They want to finger you? Rule #3, Cum on your face, #7.

Maybe this gets posted near the head of their hotel room, and as you are making small talk you go over the rules and the prices list just like you would have done within the walls of the business.

It's about control, yours, and establishing the rules that are NOT negotiable, are NOT bendable, and are NOT up for discussion.

Hang in there, write when you want to, but know that yoru honesty is the most compelling part.

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ, I have been an LMT for 4 yrs now, and with this economy I am ready to cross that line and start working for better tips. Can you or any other erotic masseuses reading this tell me where to even start? I tried looking for a parlor close to me, but they all seem to be AMPs, I also did a Groupon for my current place of work and after 100 massages, not 1 guy even hinting at a HE.

What do I need to do to get the men in so I can start making better $?!

Anonymous said...

Your car payment is late, you're short $100.00, and the guy on the bed wants a blow job. What are you going to do?

You're at the crossroad, CJ. It's time to make a decision.

DB said...


Clients think you left the business to make more money and that implies you are open to 'upgrades' in service.

You are caught between wanting to keep your customers happy and maintaining your standards. It sucks to be the boss. If that's the way you want it you have to step up and draw the line. Worse than anything is inconsistency. If you make an exception, it moves the bar. They will do what they can to wear you down, whining, pity, sob stories, puppy dog eyes, etc. If your service changes from one visit to the next guys will stop calling. Your job is to hold the line but keep them happy. So don't take it badly when they push, decline cheerfully, be sure to dial up the charm or playfulness, and be sure to stand your ground when they press.

You say you no longer have to follow a script, watch a clock, or obey Audrey's rules, but you're wrong. The room isn't the only thing that's changed. If you relax those rules, or use 'we don't have to fill-in-the-blank anymore' you have opened the door to renegotiating everything.

Dinners, cuddling and more intimate releases are also lines that you need to firm up. Beds in hotel rooms are much more illicit than a table at the business. It may be beneficial financially but it will lead them to thinking you're more invested than you really are, or that they're making investments or inroads toward something you're not interested in.

If the money is too much of a lure you need to push for more clients or find a new 'business'. Either that or get a part-time gig. Try to manage visits so you can keep a room for more than one day for morning/afternoon appointments. If you have your license you should be able to find work at legit places which could help pay the bills and provide opportunity to make new contacts.

Good luck,

Steph J said...

CJ. Get a new job. Apply for new jobs, either in retail or at another Business.

If you don't, set the rules AND KEEP TO THEM. You set the rules -- the guys will listen to the limits because they're dudes -- they'll take what they can get. You just gotta stay the one in control!

But really. Get a new job. Even something physical labor or in a factory. This situation sucks for you.

Anonymous said...

It's time to move on my friend. I started reading your blog out of pure curiosity. When I had the information from you I finally went and tried a massage place and found a whole new world where I could have fun for money. The downside is having to live with myself after. I tried to just separate and compartmentalize what I did but, it still eats me up. I think the guilt you are feeling is because doing this goes against your values. Right or wrong, legal or illegal doesn't matter, it seems to go against your values which is yourself. Hey maybe you will be broke after leaving the life but, you'll be happy. As for me, I haven't checked your blog in months and I always enjoy hearing your stories, I hope the best for you and hope you find what makes you happy. No pun intended.

configuration unstable and getting worse said...

Blogger Advizor54 at 4:17 has a great idea. make the rules you want to live with, write them down laminate them, and when someone wants to do something you don't want to do then just point to the rule that prohibits that particular activity.

on the other hand it is time to grow up and face the rather sad music. if you let someone cum on your face or finger your cunt, and you take money for it, you are a sex worker. you are a professional, like it or not. if you are not already doing full service and letting the 'clients' cum directly into the depths of your pussy, you soon will be. and i think all of us know how that will make you feel about yourself.

so face the music, grow up, and make a decision. is it worth your dignity to make a car payment? is it worth the next fifteen years of your life to be have a little spending money?

grow up, get a real job, and go find some education or training that will allow you to care for yourself and your dignity at the same time.

Anonymous said...


i've advised you at various times to sign up at community college.
It seems now is the best time to be doing that. 10 years ago was better.

I would suggest you also consider asking audrey for your job back or you get a office space for this.


BTW it's okay to go into full time sex work, just , you need to be able to integrate it.

Just Visiting said...


I really do hope you get out of this place you're in - most of us have, at some point, been stuck somewhere in our lives that's hard to get out of.

Life isn't going to stand still. Either you back away from your current situation, or you'll get sucked in (probably literally as well as figuratively).

I'm not trying to sound deep or wise, here. I'm just hoping you can turn your life into something you can enjoy again.

Definitely don't let the assholes here get you down. People who keep coming back to read handjob stories, then criticize you for giving the handjobs - well, they're just stupid dickheads, aren't they? :)

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I just have to ask, if it is so bad why can't you find another place to work at? Is that the only place left in your area? If the business made a safe enviornment then find another place you can be safe. In the end that is most important.

Mathieu said...

1. Thank you very much for your excellent writing. You've been educational, informative, and incredibly entertaining.

2. There is some truth to the "slippery slope" argument, but only in the context of comparing it to the last thing you did. As the Milgram experiments showed, taking small steps towards something atrocious doesn't seem that way because you're only going "a little further" than the last time. Only by taking a step back and looking at where you started from can you realize how you might have already changed.

3. You still have quite a few options, even if some of those are untenable to you. Getting a regular LMT job or another job entirely in the interim, asking for financing to help grow your business, getting the word out with your clients so you have a larger base to draw from, expanding your services to include non-sexual aspects, expanding your services to include more sexual aspects, etc. Yes, there's going to be change, but it doesn't necessarily have to be all bad.

4. Asking for help when you need it is never a bad idea. Especially starting a new business. Ask us for assistance and we'll do what we can. You've already helped us to a certain extent. Let's find out what we can do back.

Mathieu said...

Speaking of which: Do you have a Paypal account we can donate to? It'd be a shame if you couldn't afford to blog anymore (hint, hint, wink, wink).

blazerfan said...

Here is my advice for making some extra money. You could take the best of this blog and your advice and make a book or multiple books. Its really easy to self publish for Amazon Kindle, and you could start making some more traditional money. Think back to when it was about the freak customers and write up some new stories or jazz up some old stories.

David said...

Just found out your blog and spent good time reading about it. As a long time, yet young, customer, I have to say I admire you for sharing all those things with us. Things we most likely never think about, never consider, and for those that think it's a dream job... it doesn't seem much more different than any other. All I can tell you is whatever you do, do it because you want to and under your own rules, because nothing shows more than a girl doing something she didn't wanted to, more than once have I felt guilty of even being there by seeing the girl's look and attitude in that particular moment.

Anonymous said...

Just remember, no one is going to come along and change your life for you, you have to do it yourself. If you're not happy, CHANGE SOMETHING, it ain't gonna magically change itself. Best of luck kiddo, we're rooting for you.

Anonymous said... know its tough out there right now..we are all in bind with the economy and all..but you will be need to separate yourself from that world that makes you feel so down...i know it feels like it is impossible right now...but even this shall pass....

Real Massage Therapist said...

You're not a massage therapist, you're a hooker! Don't sully the name of massage therapy.

Just Visiting said...

I keep putting in my two cents... :)

First, you've shown a willingness to change - you walked out on Audrey. That's a pretty good sign.

But where are you now? Sooner or later Derek finds out... can you live with that? Same may go for some of your family. And clearly this line of work isn't working out, given how far you're willing (or unwilling) to go.

If you can live with what it takes to make this career(?!) work, then make it work.

Otherwise, get out while you still can. Quit, or be doing this when you're 50.

● Please tell us about why you left Audrey.
● Please, please tell us more about how you seriously consider letting a guy go down on you.
● Please, please, please tell us about "Fine. Just don't get any in my eye."

We're all pervs here :) We're a lot more interested in what you will (or might) do than what you won't.

Maybe it could even help you get it off your chest :)

unfreas999 said...

JV, only those of us who haven't made fake names that lead to blogger profiles are pervs, haven't you figured that out?

everyone else is the fucking reverend mother theresa or some shit.

i do want to know the audrey story. i bet its rife with delicious irony.

Anonymous said...

I just come across this blog and I must say, your writting is very pure and honest and I really feel for you. I spent a lot of time reading your old posts and it you journey seems to go through highs and lows.

I am just curious, do you LOVE what you do? If you do, why do you sometime sounds sad and depressed when you discuss what clients want? I mean you could always stop and yet you don't. Can you provide a HONEST reason why you don't?

Anonymous said...

What an absolutely beautiful transformation, had a great time in your blog! I ma feeling well to visit your fantastic blog. Keep posting....

Job Duties

Anonymous said...


I'm with Melissa Blade! Do something with this blog! Make it into a book or something like the kindle app would be awesome.... I totally understand you being in a transitional spot. But you have something unique that alot of girls dont have....This Blog!
Even if you have to post some old stories or whatever to get you through, dont loose your fan base - use this for more than an outlet to get things off your chest. You would have $ coming in and would have more financial security.

I will say this, Set your rules, no matter how silly. If your going to keep doing this, make them realistic and NEVER BUDGE. If you are flexble in what you will do, he will think if he pays you enough or you get desparate enough you will let him do whatever... Remember these guys have fanticised about you for a long time! That is part of what keeps em calling you back...its partly a game... when they "beat the game".. they move on.... most of the time it does not matter as much about your skills as it does the mental games...

Trust me, I have learned the above from experience. I have skelatons in the closet too- we all do.

The main thing is you being happy. If you have to go back to the biz, or a diffrent one.. just suck it up and go back- while you make your exit plan. You were much happier it seemed.

You have the world in your palm ;) Hope you use it wisely & make yourself happy!

Luck & Happiness


Anonymous said...

You have probably heard this a million times, but as a legitimate LICENSED massage therapist who had to go to school and pass a national exam in order to be certified as a massage therapist you are doing serious damage to our industry. I don't so much care WHAT you do (although I think it is probably very harmful to yourself and others) but please don't call yourself a Massage Therapist. You are not and you are really hurting those of us who are legitimately in the industry. What you are doing is prostitution. Please stop hurting our industry.

Just Visiting said...

Google 'massage' and look at the hits.

It's not CJ's fault you're in a business that is so closely associated with erotic massage. In fact, I daresay we live in a society that pays for more handjobs than legitimate massages. And she's not going to change her tune to make you feel better.

Besides, as I recall she is a LMT.

Anonymous said...

Hope things get better for you CJ. <3

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and proud of your saying "no" every time you do. If nothing else, keep that up, Ms. CJ.

Another chick who does something completely unrelated to the sex industry and thinks you're one hell of a writer and a good person.

adult personals said...

Hey dude, nice post…keep it up…Thank you

Anonymous said...

You should apply for a job at a full service Asian Spa.

The customers would welcome a busty White girl who like big hard cocks and takes facials.

You would be a hit and lots of money.

Lawrence said...

Ok, I get you needing money to pay your car note and other bills but what I don't get is why you're doing things you may not necessarily like. If you're a certified MT, why not work at a legitimate clinic? The money may not be as good, but you'll sleep well at night. That is of course there's a part of you that likes giving happy endings but nothing more. I'm not judging if you do but if that's the case, couldn't you find another 'the business' to work at? Seems like you put yourself in this crossroads. I hope you find your way out.

Anonymous said...

Hey. Don't lose hope. But don't keep doing this. I have gone to plenty of massage places but never get anything other than a massage. Sometimes i'll give the girls a massage (non sexual) and have made lots of friends in your line of work. They tell me some horror stories. You need to get out. it's hurting your soul. You are smart and beautiful. You can do something else. It may not pay the same but at least you'll feel better. Don't worry about the car payment. Don't worry about your pride. Would you like to go to school ? Take a loan out and learn to do something you love. I know you can do it. i will pray for you. I bet your bf and mom will help you. Don't let this define you. good luck

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