Sunday, September 18, 2011

"No Where To Go From Here But Up"

The other day I had a talk with my Techno-nerd Velma, and that's what she said to me. I called her up and said I was seriously thinking of giving up the blog. When she asked "Why?" I said "don't you read this thing?" She said "not recently" so I told her to "go fuck yourself."

Eventually things settled down and she admitted that she was getting worried about me. She asked what I really meant by "rock bottom" and that's when I clammed up. I realized I was in some sort of pit of depression that I couldn't climb out of. Velma suggested that to get out of this pit that I had dug for myself I should just start at the bottom and work my way up. So for the next couple of hours, I basically told her in gory detail everything that I've done (or had done to me) for the last couple of months.

She said the less I wanted to admit something, the more healing it would be. So I didn't hold anything back. And you know what? She was right. I actually felt a lot better about everything when we were done. Velma didn't pass judgement. She didn't comment. And she didn't really agree or disagree with anything I said. She just listened, and would encourage me when she thought I was leaving something out, or not being totally honest. And yes - I did try to avoid a LOT of things.

When we were done she said it looks like I have quite a bit of things to write about now. "But where to start?" I asked. She said to start at the bottom. It could only get easier from there.

So there I was... naked on my knees in front of "Roger." We were in his bedroom. His wife was gone for the morning, so we didn't have much time. Roger had been a pain in the ass ever since I arrived at his place. Kept saying things like "So what'll I get for any extra $100?"

I said "My undying gratitude." But after the 5th time it was starting to get on my nerves. The massage was quick, which didn't matter because he was itching to get to the happy ending before his wife came home. That extra $100 kept weighing on my mind all during the session. But the shit he wanted me to do just wasn't worth it. By the time we reached the end of our hour, I figured there wasn't much else he could bug me about.

Then he said it. "How about a facial?"

Now don't get me wrong - I'm not a total prude. With boyfriends I've done my share of cum play. I'll even lick that shit slowly off my fingers, if the mood strikes me. Under the right circumstances a facial can be erotic, arousing, and if done properly, even a tiny bit humiliating. But at work, it's usually just that - work. A facial means I'll need extra time to wash my hair, and in some cases a stinging red eye.

I was meeting my mother for lunch right after this session, and I knew that the last thing Roger was interested in was letting me shower off at his place when we were done. But he kept pressuring me and I really needed the money.

Of course I needed the money. I always need the money. It's the story of my life and the root of all my problems.

Anyway, we started arguing over the details. I usually control the facial by performing the handjob myself. That way I can direct the cum where I want it, and thus preventing collateral damage to my hair and eyes. But Roger wouldn't budge and insisted on doing it himself. After a while I just got sick of arguing and that's when I uttered the famous line "Go ahead, just don't get it in my eyes."

I knelt in front of him while Roger started jerking his cock. Now have you every really watched a guy jerking off from really up close? It's not a pretty sight. The motion itself is just sort of violent and nasty at the same time. And on top of that he's sweaty from our session, and not in great shape, AND he smells. The look on his face as he's trying to cum is almost scary, so I focus my attention elsewhere.

Behind him on the walls are pictures of his wife and kids. I can see her dresser with a pile of folded shirts on top of it, waiting to be put away. There's a fancy looking clock which I guess is a gift of some kind. A small flat panel TV is perched on a stand facing the bed. They probably watch the Tonight Show on it before they go to bed. I wonder if the kids have TV's in their rooms too. Personally I don't think kids should have TV's in their own rooms since it'll only distract them from their homework.

I feel the semen hitting me on the cheeks, nose, forehead, lips. I squeeze my eyes shut just in time to prevent me from reassuring my mother that I really don't have pink eye. I don't have to look in a mirror to see if there's any in my hair. I just know there is.

Roger grunts a few compliments like "You're so hot" while I'm feeling around for something to wipe my face with. It doesn't matter what he says at this point. I just want my money and to get the fuck outta there. I'm going to be late for mom's now.

So there I was, kneeling naked in front of a married man, in his wife's bedroom with pictures of his family staring at me while cum drips down my face that I starting thinking that if I just fucked him, there would be no mess to clean up and I'd be on time for lunch. That's when I realized I had hit rock bottom.


Anonymous said... glad you are sharing..i am a fan...your friend sounds like a good person...hope things get better

Anonymous said...

CJ, just accept the fact that you provide sex for money to random men as an occupation.

Is it any worse that being a politician or lawyer?

They screw people for money all the time.

Quit beating yourself up for it and find some hot guys you are attracted to and have sex with them for money.

This guilt trip you are are in pathetic and boring.

Just Visiting said...

I'll never understand people who kick complete strangers when they're down... that takes a special kind of mean :/


Thanks for sharing. Hopefully it helps (it usually does), and of course we love all your stories.

I've got to ask, though... how might things have gone differently if he'd asked "So what'll I get for any extra $400?"

Stick to your guns, and good luck with everything :)

Unknown said...

Hold on to your integrity. Without our convictions, we have nothing.

Anonymous said...

Dear CJ,

What a great friend to have in Eric.

I, too, have been worried about you lately. I sincerely hope you find peace and manage to balance
happiness and work. It may sound dumb to say, but it is evident through your writing that you are sweet
and smart and an honorable person. Don't ever forget that you are worthy and deserving.

Another note: I think your writing is GREAT. Really. This particular piece is so honest and gritty- and
truly disturbing in a way that is engaging, entertaining, and vital. I find it interesting that way you notice
the room's TV and the speculation of what they watch before they go to bed is, for me, as obscene, if
not more so, than the description of our hero on her knees waiting for a facial from a sweaty, smelly customer.

The fact that you are not only able to see this, but then to later digest it and artfully put it into words is what
makes you a truly talented writer. Your perspective on life has so many interesting angles: humanity, the economy,
the male libido, the institution of marriage, civics, law enforcement, female cattiness: the list goes on and on.

If I am being selfish, than I hope that the writing of your blog becomes cathartic and healing for you, and you will
continue with it. But above that, I hope you continue to focus on yourself, and find happiness.


rdg-abe said...

Now make something of yourself. You've put a period to the sentence so many people have said, and you can read it now.

So, move on, let all be forgiven and be my friend again. Don't let your "fans" confuse you anymore than your detractors do.

Good luck, make the most of what you've got. Sometimes being poor is a case study in character building.

Anonymous said...

I think that your blog has always been incredibly written and interesting in many ways. I have enjoyed it immensely. However maybe it is time to stop. Ultimately that decision will be yours. Sure, my life would change but if yours were better that'd be totally worth it.

I think you are an amazing woman, and I would hate for you to compromise that for a couple of bucks. Be strong, try something different. Starbucks is always hiring. There are hundreds of options, every day. Make your future, and we'd love it if you wrote about it.

Vinnie said...

I have sold my body to shear sheep, move sewage and any number of truly gross things. I have never given anyone pleasure because I did my job. You make people happy, even for a little while. That is a good thing.

Vapid Vixen said...

The world needs more Eric's.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous/Bill - your writing is superb. I hope you find peace and contentment.

Have you considered monetizing the blog? You already have decent stats. If you put a concerted effort into it you could probably pull in a decent side-income that might help you turn down $100 options.


Advizor54 said...

Severl people have commented on teh benefits of writing about yoru experiences and we all agree that your writing is a great strength and a very marketable skill.

But, instead of wrting about the experiences that are eating away at you, how about a more main-stream writing career, technical writing, journalism, public relations...

You are smart and driven and should be able to succeed without being driven to your knees for a married man who smells.

And, I really think you should block anonymous posts, most are just cowards

Gonzo Undead said...

Nice blog. Keep your head up, CJ.

Wess0824 said...

if you can please let me kno an ok way to contact you for a Qand A? I dont live near you or Id be sure to use your service. How to find the top and ssometimes hidden local talent. TIA.

Osric said...

I'm not trying to judge, but it seems like you're going down a bad road with no end in sight. I enjoy reading your blog, but worry about your safety and sanity should this continue. Maybe it's time to get out of that life and find a new road to travel. For your own piece of mind.

Anonymous said...

A little better than the last few entries... I could almost jack-off reading it, but not quite.

Anonymous said...

I hope things are getting better for you, CJ. Keep being strong! -Mondo

Anonymous said...

CJ Great post and story.

He did to you what his wife will not do in that same room. I dont know how he gets away with that in the same house he lives in with the wife.

But for you I would very carefull with the facial. You are at great risk for infection should you get it in your eye, or mouth. I actually prefer to shoot on my wife's breasts and she plays with it a little afterwards. Its very Hot and sexy to watch her.

I do shoot on her face too, and she loves it, but for her, a load of cum in the hair is not a great look at the supermarket after sexytime.

I will bet you can still grab an extra Hundy for a titty cum shot and not put yourself at risk for infection. From your photo you look great and it would be very sexy.

In today's world its all about the "extras" and I believe that a hand job/cum on your chest are all on the same level. A shot in the face steps it up a knotch, and you may as well bolow him too, but you wont get much more that the $100 extra for the shot and the BJ. So avoid the risk, grab the Hundy and take the shot on the chest

gail said...

CJ, you are a very talented writer and probably don't see it now but you have a lot of options available to you for your future. I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful time in your life, but it will pass.

I hope that once you find a different direction you will go to the wives of these men and let them know what is really going on in their life. It would be a truly kind and unselfish jesture, and give some balance to your life. I'm sure you can tell I'm one of those women, I found out after 12 years that young women had been in my home, car, etc. I would have given anything to have been told that my husband had a secret life. After I picked myself up off the floor I would have hugged you for saving the rest of my life.

I found your site because I was so ignorant about any of this and trying to find answers. Thank you for your honesty. It has helped me to see how disconnected the women are from these men.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog. I love your blog.

You have a really good friend there and I am envious that I am not him. The important issue you have with him is the trust and that is worth all the Gold in the world.

Maybe what you need to understand is that at that moment when you are negotiating with your customer and he is thinking with his dick..(AKA Not Thinking), you own him!

You say that the issue is money. Fine, the next time he offers a cum shot for $100. Counter with $150. If he offers $150, counter with $200.

Don't feel guilty. Feel powerful.

Just Visiting said...

Joker, I think you're missing the point. CJ doesn't want to be doing facials for a living - not for any amount of money.

Control isn't being able to say how much, but rather being able to say no.

The ability to say no is what CJ's losing.

MrMike ( said...

I am glad to see you posting again. I found that post to be very moving because it is so honest, vivid and raw. Those descriptions of what you could see while he was jacking away, the family pictures, put us inside your head in a way that only the very best writers can do. (I'm thinking of Jonathan Franzen, here, and from me, that is very high praise).
My reasons for hoping you continue to write are mainly selfish. I get so much from it. It takes me out of my life and into another person's life in a very compelling way. But, I also hope that writing here can continue to provide some therapeutic value, can continue the healing process that you began with Eric. (And that part was also very moving). I know that some of the comments here must be hard to take, where you are in your life now, but I do want to offer whatever encouragement I can for the decision to continue to write.

Anonymous said...

Quit. Seriously, stop it, you aren't cut out for sex work, you could sort of handle it with the structure of the old job, but now that its gone its painfully obvious that you can't.

"Cause dreams they seem to cost money. But money costs some dreams."

Nuclear Snob said...

I've been reading your blog for about a year. A friend recommended your sit. She told me "it's a hot girl talking about giving handjobs and titjobs yet, it's funnier and more thought provoking than most high brow stuff I've ever read." My friend was spot on.

I haven't commented because I didn't want to come across as a jerk by saying, "dude, you should stop this gig and write for a living."

I'm saying that now. I'm a writer. I'm finishing my first novel. I haven't made the money or gotten the recognition I've wanted so recently I hit rock bottom. I took a facial from a commercial site for a measly 200 bucks.

So, I'm telling you everyone has their rock bottom moment. Mine was writing for products and people I find vile and yours was cum in the face. Im not the least bit judgemental.

I hope you find peace in your next decision. I hope that decision is the written word. There's less mess.

Anonymous said...

The deep despair and anguish sex workers directly cause cannot be put into words; when wives find out it is devastating; and before they know the truth, they always sense something isn't right. All the men going to these places-you will not ever be satisfied, you will not find what you want, Imtimacy is not in a massage parlor. CJ-please find God and stop disgracing yourself, your body, and women. You are more than a body.

rob said...

You know, I just found this blog, about a week ago, and I think you're great. A tremendously talented writer, a tremendously beautiful woman, and very troubled, at this point.

What's troubling you is the fact that you felt earlier on,(from your writings) that you had more control over the situations that arose, and it's pretty apparent that now, you have less and less.

I'm 48, married 23 years, with kids, I've never been to a masseuse, never been to a hooker/call-girl. That stuff never did it for me. Even when I was in my 20's. I had one night stands, no regrets, but I never understood why my gender does this. I'm not a prude, I have more then my fair share of kinks, but I never got that aspect of maleness.

Anyway, CJ, you're nerd friend is giving you good advice. You can write about the good and bad. You have an audience, and alot of people who read and care.

I'm not here for the dirty details, I'm here because you're a talented young woman who tells a great story.

I read all the comments, and the ones that most disturb me are the ones that call you a sex worker, and the ones that encourage you to go the extra mile for your clients. I guess my gender never fails to disappoint. The comments that really disturb me, are the ones that tell you that you really should shut up and take it, for the money. Implying, that in some way, we're all really whores who need money, and in reality we get facials everyday, no matter what our occupation is. What a bunch of bullshit.

You write less, now, then you did in the past. This line of work is weighing on you. In 3 years it's taken a toll.

I think, that with respect to what you do for a living, women would look at it 3 different ways:Some would say, no way, that's gross, I'd never do that. Some would say, whats the harm, what's the big deal. Some would say, I'm okay with this, no harm no foul.

I think you're the one in the middle. You enjoy the money, but not the job. It repulses you, to a certain extent, but not always.

The true measure of your unhappiness is that I know, if money wasn't the issue, you wouldn't be doing this. You make more in 2 days, when business is good, then you would working retail/fast-food in a week.

Dilemmas/disappointments abound. Take Eric's advice. Write!!

Good luck, Rob.

thedougfox said...

I feel for you, go back to your beginnings and start massage therapy again, check chiropractor, physical therapist offices. maybe some fancy motels.
Good luck, I admit I would miss your blogs, but I am not one to revel in someone's misery

gonzo's the great said...

I am really happy to hear that you found a confidant to talk to about your experiences completely. It is very important that he handled it in a non-judgmental way. It helps my heart to hear it made you feel better. I've been reading for the last week. My life partner has been in the FBSM industry for 3 years now and never quite come clean on the details. I think I'm crazy and she thinks . . . I don't know. I'm a writer myself and I'd agree with other posters that you definitely have the chops. Please share more of your stories. I hope it helps you and it's already helped me.

Mr. P said...

Im glad others have acknowledged your writing talent. Not too mention the fact of how well and length of time you have ran your blog. Been a fan for quite some time. Take care!

Anonymous said...

I have known you a Long time my dark seductress...
this blog means shit to the either of us> I know your aspirations and they aren't BS B.S.
You said you wouldn't, but now you
re too much, too deep in...its ruined relationships before and you Know that...this "Derek" guy doesn't exist is my best guess but the loathing you have over your predicament is killing you. Between family and home you scrape by since 17 learning the "business" but never growing from sexuality to maturity, from instability to tranquility, from chaos to control...and that is what I missed and wanted to most out of you 'CJ'...i never believed your PA hair-salon BS from day one but Love is what Love is, and i hope you find something real in life.
May it make you pass out and shiver lol.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

?...Fuck off Pussy/confused anonymous...this Anonymous only concerns one person and that doesn't involve you. and dont try to make it, you admire/jack off to a person you know nothing about

this is between me and the woman hiding behind the shrouds of decent "therapy" for needy pushy old dick'd men...a talent-less hack except for mixing booze and fucking around with men she doesn't know(except "regulars" lmfao)
...driving her 'truck' with her 'blonde' hair...she talks a good game in life/relationships, but is SOo0o full of B.S. she cant stand being me i know, justify all you want you will never find that love again you harlot...
I wish we met before he used you...but, you decided to be fucked up instead and take it out on the good girl that i would have fallen for. I knew something was up when you gave the best HJ I had ever had and knew how to scream like a banshee...its all a act, even the 'LOVE'...why take trips to fuck with other guys cocks when you had a big dick at home that was wiling to fuck you til you were shaking, begging for death, melting into me cooing for more, so i could truly support the best in you, your heart not your wallet...Fun watching you fall from afar tho...its truly is BS...hope you get a kid out of it, or well for its sake I hope you dont. Every decent man you find you play games with...shame cause you could have the sunshine and all the lust you could handle. shame you couldn't seduce a real man...instead you went ape shit. And now your in PA playing with gross cocks from pushy men... Congratulations! K,so youve come/gone a long way...and not upwards you slut. I would have lavished in it tho(if you could have had love and focused it on me) but you are too tired after work from all the wrist/tit/ass/leg whoring only like the word slut when there is a whip after each their own.
mine own
you will sell your home/car etc soon enough, you're soul is already up for auction, although its cheap in quality so i don't think it'll go for much. If writing for the bottom of the barrel pervs is what will make your money/satisfaction so you don't have to touch them or let them cum on your face/tits/ass etc then sure,plus it validates your fucked up mind...why least since i last knew you you are upping the slut factor(just That much more)...would have been fun when you were not being so insecure about your body and love...guess need overrides that. Good luck on keeping the house and family together You.

Why read relationship books if you fucking suck so much at them? just wondering...? you're the smartest sluttiest idiot i know K,later

Anonymous said...

Wow as others have said you are truly a talented writer. But I have to re-iterate that you need to accept that what you do is indeed sex-work. You don't get semen in your hair from massaging someone. I'm sure his wife would call it sex work. And speaking of wife, CJ please be careful! His house!?!?!!! Really??!!?!! Did you at least have your techie friend 1) check for hidden cameras and 2) hide nearby to make sure the wife didn't come back!!!

But, IMHO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex-work between two (or more) consenting adults. And when I say consenting that includes adults not under any form of physical or psychological duress.

A lot of men (present company included so you know my bias on this topic) have this primal need for sexual encounters and gratification....Why not capitalize on it?

Just be true to yourself, be comfortable with who you are, but don't compromise any of your values, boundaries, etc. And most importantly don't put your safety at risk!

BTW I am not implying that who you are is a sex worker. In other words being a sex worker is not what defines you. You ARE (--insert real name--). And only you know what that real means.

Tom Moran said...

They say that you have to hit bottom before you can get help.

It sounds like the law of diminishing returns has set in, and not only is it *not* fun and exciting anymore, it's starting to warp your sense of who you are.

I think it might be time to stop, get some professional help if you can and start thinking about a Plan B for your life.

I'm wishing good luck, as always.

Melissa Blade said...


Being an erotic masseuse doesn't have to include all that.

That guy is a sick fuck. As an independent, you should be able to earn a few hundred a day.

I wonder why you are always broke?xoxo Melissa

Anonymous said...

Regarding four posts back:

Huh?!? Wait... huh?!?

Did somebody forget his meds?

rdg-abe said...

srsly, that's like some brickhenry fucked up levels of weird. its one thing to point out she's whoring, but its quite another to be busting out with it puts the loition in the basket shit. i'm skeeved out and i love to point out the whore's merkin is dirty.

Miss Fortunes said...

Oh you read these comments?

Im wondering is there NO other business in town other than the one you worked at?

Independent is have to advertise, schedule your own time, ensure your own safety, set your own boundaries, etc. When I first started reading your blog, you were pretty hard on women who provided more than just the perfect happy ending...I'm wondering if you are being equally as hard on yourself now that things have changed?
Build in some self forgiveness...and then...get over it girl. Nothing wrong with simply applying to a new erotic massage business, is there?
I think its unfair for any of your fans, or your haters, to expect you to stop this line of work without Plan B already providing an income. I also think its pretty unfair for you to continually shame yourself for all your alleged sins during this learning experience we'll call being "independent". It is whatever YOU define it as...not what others tell you it is.

And CJ, real talk, "rock bottom" cuz you let someone finger you might be a lil dramatic. If you think about it, outcall is dangerous..."rock bottom" could look alot worse.
My advice, as a seasoned pro pervert, stop letting individual events define who you are. As you already service is a dance, a game. Get your game back... its all in how you see it. How is a "butt release" at the Biz any different/safer/better than a facial at a hotel? Its the same...what is different is how you FEEL about it because you are more isolated (working alone, noone to process with).
Remember the guy you thought had died at the Biz? Picture that same event in your current state of mind.
I think you are too isolated, you are shaming yourself needlessly, you are defining things with good/bad/worse/better value judgements that have NO built in forgiveness for the crazy situations you encounter. Same crazy situations at the Biz, you would sit back and laugh as you dished on it, you wouldnt be so quick to blame yourself for other people's bad behavior.
Consider this... you are coming from a position of weakness at the moment. If you arent coming with your A shouldnt be doing outcall. Outcall requires you to be completely in tune with all your senses and listening to your gut to keep you safe. Right now, you're too distracted listening to your negative self talk to hear your instincts that will keep you safe.
You are an expert at the game...if you want to keep playing until you retire, find another Biz to work from. Right now...the energy coming from your current posts...reads "VICTIM" and outcall isnt the place.
Words to live by: Do you!
Much support to you...

Anonymous said...

To the guy who wonders if I am off my meds...
no...i dont take any...although I should after this girl...shes nothing your little fantasies and hopes dream up...hence the downward me,not too long ago she was away from all of this and doing...ok...for a fucking nut-bag.
all "sex work" aside
she is smart, fairly cute, fucks like a minx, but insane when it comes to anything outside of 'meaningful' sex- if showing intimacy(aka loony)...she should keep to the cuddling handjobs and footrubs that she is awesome at.

Grow up hun 29-30 is barely your 20's something...whatever sells those eyes tho.

...shameful really...not what you do, but why you went back and what you went to since then. Pathetic to the nth degree...You are just weak and so is your constituency in life(if you still talk to anybody/family honestly besides Eric without discourse)...and realllly? Eric?) lmfao

...although the times were great. I will admit that. you got good "game" and i dont mean seducing.
....done reading and posting, we'll cross paths im sure.
(the never posting Anon, unlike the peanut gallery of Anons out there)

This will be my last post,K...
I wish shit was different but ill never "out you" and your little BS game for it makes you coo.

Anonymous said...

Last post? Hope springs eternal...

And I promise you, your urgent need for medication has nothing to do with this blog :/

Anonymous said...


Longtime reader - first time commenter. Like you, during periods of disappointment and hardship in my career/life, I have found myself doing things I had formerly sneered at and turned my nose up to when I knew of others doing them. Many of your posts over the years have revealed your disapproval and derision towards those who do the things you now find yourself doing. That's cool, and that's human.

Hopefully, now that you've seen the rock bottom as you say, you will remember a valuable lesson from this experience. We really can't judge others too harshly when we don't know what kind of shit they are dealing with.

Good luck with everything; we're rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

Go back to a different place, work there while in school, and then quit the business. You are not happy living this life so make plans to get out of it. Just make sure that if you quit the blog give us a sign off.

John Smith said...

I say rent a space at a salon or at an existing parlor. You can be your own boss and set your own hours and rules. I know a Russian person who rents a room at a nail salon. She'll only come in when someone books an appointment with her prior. She doesn't need to sit around all day just waiting. And she sets her hours to 10 am to 7 pm. If a client can't book between those time with her, then they don't book with her at all. She also uses this as a cover for her sexual vents, as she does do extras for clients that she likes. If she doesn't like you, you won't get anywhere with her except a really good massage.

rdg-abe said...

that broad's greek, Unknown.

Anonymous said...

CJ: What you wrote helped me. I belive in the power of confession and it is helpful to know how to deal with shame. I need an Eric. Thank you for writing this the way you did.

Shannon Rae said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon Rae said...

LOL! I love the Anon who is pretending to be an ex boyfriend...LMFAO!!!!!! What a loser.

CJ you're awesome! Keep making your money, keep reading these comments, and keep your chin up!

Anonymous said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
CJ, from your blog-reader in NYC, same age as you and started around the time you started (at least your blog), i read this and feel so much love for you.

you know what? i quit massage. i have been massage free for two months now, one day at a time. i had quit before, but this time, i think it is for real. i so, so, so just feel love when i read a post like this, so exactly the same as what i've been through. it's amazing how the shaming comments on here seem to be from people who have a vested interest in the sex industry and the idea of women offering sexual services to guys for money being cool. we do it even knowing it isn't cool. and there's the commentor who said 'starbucks is always hiring.'

cj, i wanna tell you i have found earning money a difficult thing my whole life since i had my first job which paid 5.15 an hour. i found sex work at age 28 and thought my problems were licked. after my first month as a sexworkaholic, i never, never came close to what i made in the beginning. why? why are sex workers always broke? you always talk about being broke in your blog posts--always needing the money...why? why? why? (continued...)

Anonymous said...

because there's no blessing in this work...IT SUCKS. we immediately begin to think it's the only way.

FUCK starbucks. i dreamed of working in the profession i work in, it is a creative profession, which i dabbled in here and there. over time i pushed myself to really commit to it. it has been scary to drop the security blanket of massage, but i just had this first month making a decent amount working in my creative profession. i used to be a temp administrative assistant; i worked half this month and i made more than i made working full-time as a temp. cj, i really want to support you in following your dreams. i don't wanna sound cheesy but God loves you sweetheart. He really does. you don't have to work at starbucks. but if you do, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. and it wouldn't be forever.

now i wanna tell you something that i know a sex worker can hear. i used to hustle and hustle and hustle, enduring the "how much does my extra $100 get me" in the rooms with the family pictures. i'd hustle and hustle, and i might be happy if i made...let's see, 140 x 3 massages...420. and that was WORK. exhausting WORK, like battle fatigue kind of work. war. but i didn't usually make it. i might make 120 for one massage and say, eeeh, it's still more than starbucks.

here's the nice part. in my creative profession, we have a day rate. i dreamed of making $400 a day. i have been getting those jobs. last week, i had a job where i made $500 for a day of light, pleasant creative labor. and i have the 100/day days. but it's beautiful. to be working in my vision.

cj... i believe there is a way out. NOW. i did whatever i had to do to get to this point. i did some shady things. but i knew i needed this.

i wanna support you, even if it's just in blog comments, to LIVE YOUR VISION. whatever that thing is, that you wanna do, you can do it. you talked about tanning salon, about owning one. that is not an unreachable dream. and it's a legitimate dream. there is a demand in NYC where i live for spray-tanners. you go to people's homes and spray tan them in a pop-up thingy. people are willing to pay big money for hilarious shit--not just for handjobs! BIG MONEY. i really, really wanna encourage you to stay positive and really connect with your innermost dreams. even if you have a mini dream, that will lead to a bigger dream.

i didn't think i had shame about what i did, but now i look back and i see i really did have shame about it. because it's SO possible to have a life without sex work. for me it's a lifestyle that i was addicted to. but what i believe is this: the skills are transferable into a legitimate profession.

i feel so MAD when i think of this douchebag jizzing on your face, thinking this is SEXY. what an ASSHOLE. i jerked tons of dicks of married men and it's just, it's just fucking horrifying. it's like being a drug dealer. it doesn't take long to relax out of the sex work mindset. it is so healing, so healing to do good work and to have a vision.

you can do anything you want. i'm really perceptive about people even from limited bits of information--as sex workers are--and I feel absolutely sure you are smart, lovable, witty, clever, and i'm sure you have a million gifts to share with the world and parlay into marketable projects/businesses. you deserve and are capable of making yourself proud.

i'm not going to apologize for the lecture, because it isn't a lecture. i'm truly sharing from my heart. love love love love love.

-"n," your friend in nyc.

Anonymous said...

This blog is really well written and articulated, are you sure this is the only occupation you can get into? Not that I have a problem with your current occupation, but it's just seems a little odd that you can articulate yourself so well, its apparent your an educated woman. YOu have potential.

busana muslim said...

woww great post good luck