Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi Walk into a Massage Parlor...

No really. They come in here on a regular basis. Except for the Rabbi - I made that bit up. But seriously, I’ve had 3 clergymen as customers that I’ve known for a fact. When I first decided to try dishing my stories on this blog thing, I was going to let this one go, but something happened the other day at work that really really pissed me off. So now the gloves are off and everything is fair game. I was going to keep my mouth shut on a few things for Audrey’s sake, but now that bitch is on my shit list for reasons that I’ll get into tomorrow. Tune in – it’ll be worth it. I’ve got dirt on her that will make your head spin.

Anyway, let me get on with this topic since I owe you guys. It’s been over a week and I didn’t write anything because I was sick.

Anywho… Audrey has a Regular who we call “Father William” behind her back. We all know he’s a priest, but we don’t mention it front of her. Apparently he has an arrangement with her. I learned about this one day when he showed up and Audrey wasn’t in. He took me in session instead, but not realizing that I know nothing of what they do behind closed doors..

FIRST, he tells me that he already paid for this session during his last visit. “YEAH RIGHT” I tell him. After I explain to him that this is between him and Audrey, he says he’ll take me anyway in a rather snotty kind of way. Well let me tell ya – after I released The Girls from my Abercrombie and Fitch button down shirt, he starts to loosen up a bit and starts spilling all sorts of dirt. He says he usually just pays a flat fee for everything including the options and a generous tip (I don’t act surprised about anything he says, so he’ll keep talking...). She doesn’t charge him for the room AND she discounts her options! We’re all supposed to charge the same to keep things equal between the girls. When 1 girl drops her rates, then business unfairly migrates her way (I’ll bitch more about this tomorrow).

SECOND, he tells me what Audrey allows him to do during their typical sessions. I play dumb at this point so he’ll tell me EVERYTHING. Well let me tell ya, as soon as he got on that table, the halo comes off and the pitchfork comes out (no pun intended). He starts cursing, and talking dirty, and telling me all the disgusting things he wants to do to me, and me to him, and us to each other…yikes!! It turns out that my boss lets this guy:

1) Eat her out
2) Finger her ass
3) Toss her salad
4) Finger fuck her

Now remember – HE’S A PRIEST!!!! As far as I can figure, this is how he rationalizes his behavior… Apparently he can do stuff to her, but won’t let her do stuff to him. This is HIS way of not feeling too guilty about going to a massage parlor. In the room they don’t fuck, and she doesn’t blow him. From what I gathered, there isn’t much actual massaging going on either. Usually he goes right to his routine of using everything BUT his dick on her, then when he’s ready to finish, he jerks himself off on to her ass or tits.

Let me tall ya – it was hard to keep this guy off me! I mean, as I asked him questions he kept trying to just dive right in to his usual perversions. I finally got through to him by pretending that we’re not allowed to do full service stuff with Audrey’s regulars, and he seemed to buy that (even though NONE OF US are supposed to be full service around here!!!). He settled for a deep tissue massage while I kept asking him questions and pretending what they did was perfectly normal. And in the end, he would NOT let me give him a hand release. I let him play with my tits with one hand, while he yanked himself off with the other – all the while telling me all the nasty little things he wanted to do to me. Go figure. At least he tipped OK.

Now how did I know he was a priest? He started coming in here about 4 or 5 years ago WITH HIS PRIEST COLLAR ON. Yes, you read that correctly. He actually walked into our business in the light of day in his little priestly outfit. At least he did at first. After a short while, he started seeing Audrey on a regular basis and then we only saw him in civilian clothes from then on. I guess that his fist couple of visits may have been out of some morbid curiosity, but once he got his freak on, he let his hair down and let it all hang out. Audrey must bring out the pervert in everyone.

The other priest who frequents here is a floater – a guy who likes to see a different girl each time. Used to see everyone but Trina for reasons we would figure out later. We called him “Father Danny.” He isn’t as much of an asshole as Father William, but he’s just as perverted. Let me tell ya – these religious guys rank right up there with the most nasty and vile customers. I don’t know what it is, but they just show no respect and are constantly trying our patience. I dread these guys because I know each session is going to be a 60 minute battle of keeping their slimy hands off our goods.

Anyway, Father Danny is more of a funny story. He started coming in about 2 or 3 years ago. Said he was a history teacher. I enjoyed history in high school, so I used to ask him all sorts of questions about history during our sessions. Well this didn’t seem to go over well with him, and he never liked answering my questions – always tried changing the subject to sex. But from the very beginning, I thought there was something familiar about him.

So one day I’m at Trina’s house going through the photo album of her son’s christenting. And Lo and Behold! Guess who’s in the pictures? Why it’s our little history teacher!!! He was at her son’s christening!!! That explains why he never wanted to see Trina. When I saw those pics, I started screaming at her that this guy was a regular at the business, but she didn’t believe me – at least not until the next time he came in. I made sure she got a good look at him before we went into session. Let me tell ya – when he saw her he turned beet red and didn’t have a word to say during that visit! Didn’t see him for 6 months after that little episode, and now he ALWAYS calls first to see who’s working.

The last, but not least of our little dirty clergyman is a local Minister. He’s married with a couple of kids. We know he’s a minister because he actually talks about it in session. His is a weird case. This guy is about 60, but looks like a young, chiseled George Clooney! I swear to God on this one! (again - no pun intended) I normally don’t go on about how hot a client is, but if he weren’t a Minister, he’d be getting laid so often he wouldn’t need our services. But since he’s a Minister, I think that’s his curse. Got married young, followed a good Christian life, and got frustrated and bored by his marriage I guess. He’s not nearly as disrespectful as the other guys, but he makes up for it in perversion. Always asking for weird stuff like jerking him off with our feet, or wearing school girl outfits. One time he paid me a couple hundred bucks to wear bright pink lipstick and call him “Daddy” for an hour.

And that brings me to my last point… I’m a cradle born Catholic, but now I only go to mass when my Grandma needs a ride. The sad thing to me is that these guys take money from regular, decent, churchgoing folk. Then they drive to the Business in their expensive cars, wearing their fine suits, just to get an erotic massage. And these guys tend to leave big tips too. I mean – hard working people give their hard earned money out of faith, and these guys spend it like this? I’m not saying that I’m a saint, but at least I know that our services aren’t exactly “Holy.”

I’m in a pissy mood now. And I have even more to vent about tomorrow, so see ya then.



ez cheese said...

Social commentary at its finest...I see you are more than just an masseuse and economist

Anonymous said...

I would take the priest's comments about what he and Audrey do in their sessions together with a grain of salt. He could have been lying about how far she'll let him go just so he could talk you into letting him do the same thing with you. Guys can be manipulative little pieces of shit, and they'll come up with all kinds of tricks to get more out of you than you're willing to give.

Anonymous said...

I hit the massage parlors from time to time. There's one place in particular that I hit. I got to know one of the girls pretty well. She told me stories about some of her clients. She too had a priest, although she didn't know it at first. It turns out they lived in the same town. He never asked for any HE, but they flirted a lot. She said he was just nice (younger) guy who liked the attention of a pretty massage therapist. He found out she knew who he was and stopped going. He must have been embarassed, she actually liked the guy and thought he was a real gentleman.

Anonymous said...

Can't stand hypocrites so I enjoyed that entry. Although perversion is a bit much to describe those guys' tastes.

What cracks me up is how clearly you see others compared to how deluded you are about yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't cast the first stone...
"[...] this is how he rationalizes his behavior [...]": good call. Just like you do when you call yourself a "therapist", or claim it's OK to shut down the competition, among other things.
A masseuse who doesn't do foot rubs and a whore who thinks that dicks are dirty... A happy ending girl who's not a sex worker and who doesn't HAVE to tell a boyfriend about that "detail"...

Economist, therapist... and now comedian!