Friday, March 14, 2008

Freak of the Week 2 - The Retard

This guy comes in today and says he’s been to “these kinds of places” before. Like I haven’t heard that one. I still can’t figure out what they’re trying to say with that. I mean, am I supposed to just drop to my knees and yell “Sucky fucky 15 dollars” Or does he think it’s like a secret handshake and a hidden door to our Dungeon of Pleasure will magically open revealing a host of nubile young nymphs who will cater to his every whim? Please. Personally, I think guys say that when they’re trying to hide the fact that they’re clueless idiots.

After explaining to him three times how much the sessions cost, he agrees to 40 minutes. I stick him in the room and tell him to undress. 5 minutes later I come back to find him in his pants and T-shirt. I don’t want to ask, so I explain to him the options. He asks for topless “to start off with” which usually means that the guy either doesn’t trust you or he’s a retard since it’ll cost a lot more now to get the G-string. I’m guessing retard.

Now I have to deal with his weird hang ups, so I nag him to at least take his pants off. This guy is giving me a weird vibe, so I ask him to pay for the topless upfront. He fumbles for his wallet, then lies back down. I go to work on his shoulders – through the T-shirt. I swear, less than one minute into the massage he asks if he can touch me.


I charge him an extra $50. He fumbles for his wallet and lies down. I tuck the bills away and move closer to the table so he can reach my ass with his right hand. I swear to you again – less than a minute of playing with my ass he asks about the finish.


So I go straight to that (heck - it’s his 40 minutes). I roll him onto his back and grab the baby oil. I suddenly realize that he’s still wearing his tighty whities, so I gently ask him to “Get comfortable.” As if this could get any weirder, he pulls his underwear down around his thighs – like I’m going to check him for hernias. At this point I give up on any hope of this being a nice, normal session.

With my hands oiled up, I gently take his limp dick in my right hand and cup the balls with my left. I’ve only stroked him three times when he suddenly bolts upright yelling, “FUCKING STOP THAT! FUCKING STOP THAT! DON’T YOU TOUCH ME!” He then jumps off the opposite side of the table and starts to grab his clothes. So there I am – standing there topless with baby oil still dripping off my hands – just staring at this guy while he tries to stuff his legs into his pants. He’s having trouble pulling the pants up since his underwear is still around his thighs. My brain is trying to make sense of what happened, so all I can manage to do is stay perfectly still.

While he’s spastically trying to get dressed, he starts mumbling like a homeless guy. Finally he gets the pants up, which I consider quite an accomplishment considering he never solved the underwear dilemma. Now he’s got socks in one hand and his dress shirt in the other. He doesn’t even bother to buckle his belt before he reaches for the door. Now I recognize underneath all that muttering 1 word – “Mother” – repeated over and over.

Light floods the room as he yanks the door open – startling Audrey who was already outside my room wondering what the racket was about. When he gets to the front door, he realizes that he’s not wearing any shoes, so he stomps back into the room and grabs them while holding his pants up with one hand. Then he makes a beeline for the front door again. The door chime makes its pleasant little ding-dong as if to say “Thank you! Come again!” and then the room is quiet.

Audrey is standing still and looks from the door back to me. Her eyes are wide. Without a word to her, I look at my clock. That whole episode from the time he booked the session to the time the door chimed was exactly 12 minutes. It took me longer to write this down than the actual session.

It's days like this that I can appreciate why it costs $4,000 to blow a Governor.



Billy Lyons said...

Funny stuff, what a got a great rack, I don't know if you are a PA native (as I am), but, if so, you do the state real proud, my friend!

cj said...

A Reading Homeboy! I'm a Philly Girl - born and raised. But let me tell ya, PA is full of weirdos.


Skip said...

CJ, if I were anywhere close to PA, I'd come visit. But I want to ask you a question. What do you think about the concept of victims of sex work, including prostitution. Here's what I mean:

Slutty McWhore said...

Wow, that was definitely a very weird session. I've never had one that weird. But I did have one that was even quicker than that. One time I was massaging this guy's back (he had literally just been on the table a couple of minutes) when he said "Oh, I'm getting turned on. Can I turn over?" I said "Sure", and I had barely touched his cock when he came. The whole session must have lasted maybe 5 minutes. I felt sorry for the guy because he looked really embarrassed, and left as quickly as he could.

Anonymous said...

Some people are just incredible...
Maybe he paid just in order to make his absurd circus-show (laughs).

Crazy Train said...

I am now officialy obsessed with the pic of "the girls". I need to check back every hour or so to see if there is anything more revealing than the posted photo. CJ our earlier discussion on a "breast release" being worth the drive to your town ..... I can't get it out of my head!

cj said...

Dear Crazy Train:

You wanna see The Girls? $80 in session gets you a topless. LOL


cj said...

Dear BSG:

I never thought of that! Go read my latest post - some guys will do the strangest things in order to get off.


cj said...

Dear Slutty:

I've had a customer like that. I actually felt bad for the guy. Offered him a discount, but he politely declined. Oh well.


Anonymous said...

Scores of people are messed up by religion. The tortured bastard probably went straight to confession, or worst, to place a complaint with the cops. That way he could go in denial about why he really came to see you. He was "confused". Typical pussy BS if you ask me.

On a completely different note, I have a question: we know there's a price for nude, G-string, topless, etc. Is there sympathy, compassion, kindness on the menu, and how much do you charge for that (don't worry, I know the answer)?
This retard or that limp dick come with the job of a therapist. I agree that the guy was a complete weirdo, but your tone is so judgmental and condescending, it's a turn off.

You gotta figure that a lot of guys have no better intel on parlors than what they see on TV (glamorized and dramatized crap) or read on blogs like this one (not much better). So they're bound to have clumsy first times. When I started out in the hobby, I went looking for extras in thai parlors, because of Thailand's reputation of the sex capital of the world of course. Boy was I wrong - got a lot of great massages, though!

And men of all ages will have accidents such as premature ejaculation or failure to get hard. I got news for you: if we were all sex gods... we would probably not need you.
I CAN come in 2' in a pinch, but I don't WANT to, especially if paying for it (seen "Kinsey"? We can come in 30" flat and without even getting hard). But have you ever heard of anti-depressants or steroids, forget aging and stress? Women want to complain all day long that we don't last, and when we're finally old enough to have some control, a masseuse wants us to shoot that thing off, already!

Oh, and another thing: do you think that the risk of getting interrupted by the cops with our dick in the air (or "interviewed" and threatened with arrest when leaving), catching an STD, being recognized (boss, spouse, friends, etc.), ripped off by the masseuse or her mob enforcers (never saw one, but still)... is a turn on to all but a few freaks?
It just shows how horny guys are that they still try and get sex for money and manage to get off! Some women can't relax if their favorite candle isn't lit but us guys better come prepared, ready, cognizant of all the "rules" (that vary by girl and parlor) and be able to provide a timed climax with a gun to our heads...

Well, if the girl acts all frustrated and snotty with me, I'm not a crazy retard like that guy, but I do thank her, get dressed and leave. I'm a good tipper so it's her loss (she only gets "scale", while some talented chicks got 3x what they expected) and I remember those types so I can avoid them.

See, readers can vent too!