Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Audrey In Love

Spring is here and love is in the air. And there must also be something in the water because Audrey has a boyfriend. Yes, I said it. Audrey the Skank Ho Bitch has a boyfriend. AND HE'S NOT EVEN A CUSTOMER THIS TIME!!!! I'm shocked too.

She hasn't given us the full details yet, so we're going on guess work. But the funny thing is that we didn't hear it first from her, we heard it through our customers. The guys who float from girl to girl are the best sources of gossip in a massage parlor, and we're no exception. Our first clue that Audrey was seeing someone was when she stopped letting guys go down on her.

Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard? I guess love means not letting groups of strangers go down on you...

That was the first complaint we started hearing a couple weeks ago. Next, we heard that she had dropped her prices - again. Selfish greedy bitch. $60 for topless and $100 for mutual. $100!!!??? But as one customer put it - "She's used and abused. I ain't touchin that shit for $100." Then just last week, a customer reported that she started offering prostate massages AT NO EXTRA COST!!!!!

(For you newbies out there, a prostate massage is basically a finger up the ass. Sounds gay, but it will give you a mind blowing orgasm - guaranteed. I don't do them for customers, but the boyfriends seem to love 'em)

I guess love means it's still OK to finger a stranger's asshole.

But that's not the icing on the cake. The real clincher here that's got us all pissed off is that we discovered that Audrey has been offering a 4th option - fully clothed hand release for $20. Apparently that's why she's had so many appointments lately. These cheap ass fuckers discovered that they can get a happy ending for $20, instead of the minimum $80 that the rest of us have been charging for a topless.

I know times are bad and we all need to eat, but come on you greedy bitch. I complain about her a lot, but I think I'm justified when you discover that your boss has been stabbing you in the back. Am I right?

Sorry guys, but I had to vent to someone other than Trina. I'll try to find out more about the boyfriend to see what kind of a loser he is. But till then, remember to tip generously!!



Advizor said...

You have given me the best "Quote of the day" ever. Thank you.

I guess every industry has things that they complain about, things that piss of other in the group, in the industry, at the same company.

A $20 hand job in the office? Sounds like she is really putting you guys in danger of a visit from the law. I imagine that a lot of people can over look a massage with a happy ending if there is actually a massage. Without it, it's just a $20 jerk-off.

I guess Audrey's been putting you all on the edge for a while now anyway. Don't let her get you in trouble.

Anonymous said...

At $20, I'm surprised the cars aren't lined up around the block like people at a Krispy Kreme when the "hot" light is on.

DickieTrick said...

Thanks for sharing. You’re a terrific writer. I suspect spending an hour chatting – and massaging - with you would be a blast. In this age of ponzi schemes, rip-offs and bailouts, it’s good to know some people still provide real value for their services.

The other night I was sitting naked on a massage table waiting for “Natalie” to come back and start my massage. To say she was beautiful is like saying the Grand Canyon is big. Sweet! Where I live, lots of pretty young ladies cross the Mona Passage from the Dominican Republic to work here in the sex trade. They want money. We want to get laid. I’m glad Natalie got on the boat.

As per instructions, CJ, we negotiated a topless hand release before getting started. She took off her deep-cut dress, leaving her vulnerable in a tiny red thong. Her sweet bare breasts wagged hypnotically before my eyes. “Puedo tocar?” “May I touch?” At first she said no, then, Allah be praised, she changed her mind. Do you have any idea what it’s like for an old guy to gently brush his fingers along the smooth ripe skin of 20 year old breasts? It’s the Fountain of Youth, Holy Grail and Promised Land all rolled together into two lovely 36-Ds. I absolutely loved it!

After a perfunctory back rub, she had me roll over. I think my erection surprised her – it certainly did me! She smiled, baring her perfect white teeth, and then knelt between my outstretched legs and got down to business on my oil-slicked penis. Her latex-gloved hands slid up and down, swirled from base to balls to tip and pumped me hard a time or two before starting the delicious process over and over again. I’m slipping deeper into my reverie, my mind going numb, when she glides a tiny finger along my ass-hole and smiles, “Si?”

This is new territory for me. I’ve read your comments on prostate massage, and what came to mind was my old Army “bend-over-troop!” physical. But, what the fuck. Embarrassed, I say, “Si.”

Whoa! It’s not what I thought. It’s not painful, exactly, but it’s not comfortable either. Ever had someone dig their knuckles into the bottom of your foot? It registers somewhere between pain and ecstasy. You want it to stop . . . just not right now. So, combine that feeling with the building wave of an awesome orgasm. I’m beyond embarrassment and I’m friggin’ totally out of control. When I come, I’m aware of the warm jizz landing on my chest, on the massage table, on Natalie’s hand and arms, but I just can’t stop – not that I’d try. Incredible! Awesome!

CJ, I understand your reluctance to give a prostate massage, but inserting a well-lubed, latex-covered finger in a guys ass can really make his day (ok, his month!), and in the end, isn’t that what you both want?

Anonymous said...


What would you consider a proper tip for a theraputic massage? (original cost is $60/hr)

Anonymous said...

Audrey has been undercutting you guys for a long time, by offering full service and giving better deals than the standard rates she had set for everyone. Why would she quit now, when times are a little tougher. The new boyfriend must be quite a sap. I'm sure he has no idea of the damaged goods he'll be getting.

Anonymous said...

Audrey is such a skanky bitch!

Since you brought up the subject of love, how are things with you in that regard? You mentioned that you were getting a match.com membership and would keep us posted. Did you sign up for that? Did you go on any dates?

cj said...

Hey Anon,
$20 is a decent tip for any therapeutic.

Great story. But I still won't do it - sorry! LOL

Other Anon,
My dating life is a whole other story! I could go on, but I feel like I'd be boring you guys. What do you think?


Anonymous said...

I'd love to hear the dating stories too! It would be interesting to hear how much you tell about your job and how much you keep to yourself. Also, how your job affects your romantic life and search for love. I'm sure your dating stories would be as funny and entertaining as you stories of work.


Anonymous said...

According to my human sexuality class in college prostate massages are similar to girls that can get g-spot orgasms in that they are quite intense. LOL Of course I'm not a woman nor have I had a finger stuck up my ass (would just be too weird for me personally-I have a problem looking at a girl in the eyes when I cum for crying out loud)... so I'm basically just speaking out of hearsay from my professor and textbook not experience.