Friday, January 28, 2011

Freak of the Week - Todd Palin

Sorry I haven't been around lately, but I've had a bad cold for a week now. I haven't been to work in 3 whole days! And when I'm stuck home, I really don't feel like writing anything, so I read instead.

Now I'm not for or against Sarah Palin, but I have been following this so called "sex scandal" with Todd (this is what happens when you're sick at home and there's nothing new on TV).

You can read the article HERE.

Turns out he's been seen frequenting a local massage parlor. Then the owner gets busted for prostitution. Put 2 and 2 together and you get a good old fashioned sex scandal!

At first they reported that there was "physical evidence" linking him to the owner, then they dropped it. Now they're saying she's being charged with protitution and there is no association with Todd. Let me give you my take on it.

We have our Regulars here at The Business, and it sounds like Todd was definitely a Regular. The parlor was located in an office building and apparently the tenants kept track of who was coming and going (or going and coming in his case). And as a local celebrity, he should have known better than to be seen coming in and out of a massage parlor.

OK, maybe the owner just gave really really good massages, and Todd was just an innocent therapeutic client. Heck, I have my own set of therapeutic Regulars. Never got a happy ending. Never seen me topless. Just purely therapeutic massage. Of course they're all little old ladies and not the "First Dude" of Alaska...

So for all you aspiring politicians out there reading this you're probably wondering what this "physical evidence" is - for purely academic reasons of course. Well I sincerely doubt the cops were pulling used condoms out of the trash and doing DNA analysis on them. But if she was a typical parlor owner, she was probably keeping a detailed logbook of customers and appointments. And if a mysterious "TP" was penciled in at the exact same time Todd was seen entering the building, then... busted!

Or even better, an autographed pic of the 2 of them hanging in the office! Don't laugh - it happens more often than you think. I've seen more than a few celebrities in here who have no problem flaunting it. I have autographs to prove it! Audrey even has a picture of herself with a pro athlete - taken at her old business.

And lastly, it could have just been the phone records. This would be obvious - especially if the cops had been monitoring the place as they say.

So how can you politicians and celebrities out there protect yourselves? Well here's my list of...

CJ's Tips to Keep You out of the Enquirer:

1) DON'T BE SEEN ENTERING THE BUILDING. Duh. Use the back entrance, wear dark glasses, park across the street, etc.

2) Don't use your personal phone to call. Use one of those pre-pay phones.

3) Use an alias for making the appointment (don't worry about sound silly "John" - we expect it).

4) Don't leave behind an autographed head shot - no matter how much she's willing to knock off the price. I had 1 guy try to pull this on me. In the end, I got the autograph AND my tip.

5) And lastly - USE CASH. Famous people are weird - they either carry tons of cash, or none at all. Pro athletes - WADS of cash as if they've never heard of a bank. Politicians - no cash. Your Honor, do you really want this on the Amex?

If Todd had been a regular reader here, he might not have gotten in trouble. Now if any of my poor under appreciated Eagles are listening, please feel free to come in and let me take care of you (we were robbed!) and I promise to be very discreet.

And if Ben Worthlessburger were to show his sorry ass in here, I guarantee I would have pictures of him being spanked in womens underwear posted on the internet before he made it back to the parking lot.



Continuous But Plural said...

It seems like having a famous politician's husband coming into your establishment is not the way to fly under the radar. I mean, how else were they busted?

When massage parlors are getting busted around you, would you consider having famous clientele (even if, or especially if, they are regulars) not come around for a while?

Anonymous said...

I give myself happy endings all the time. I'm pretty good at it. Been doing it since I was 9.

Anonymous said...

Hi totally unrelated to the FOTW but I promise at the end of my story there will be a question (Love your writing BTW). When I was an undergrad at the University of Casual Sex and Beer (those of you who live in Cali probably know which university I am talking about) I hooked up with probably the most exotic woman in my life. Now those of you who know the SB area know that there are no lack of beautiful people who live there.

Anyways I met this gorgeous brazilian international student at the University gym. Now I take pride in my dark latin complexion which has been bronzed further by the sun but this girl's complexion was insane. She had the most beautiful sun kissed golden brown skin I had ever seen (if you are skeptical you have a right to be but its my opinion). Her face was framed by black hair and hazel green eyes. Lets just say I was quite taken with her initially.

However something surprised me even further...her lower body was exceedingly strong and disproportionate to her upper body (which was very fit and tight but more petite). She had a very big strong butt and thick well muscled thighs and she was squatting...275 with her legs on free weights! I was impressed and somewhat disconcerted at the same time (repulsed and yet fascinated). Now most guys have a problem squatting that much and I couldn't squat much more (there were literally guys around her that thought about working out their legs and then soon changed their mind after seeing her lift that much). Of course legs were always the weakest part of my body so I have an excuse lol! I have these thin fit legs with no fat on them which is disproportionate compared to my upper body which is more thickly muscled.

So she noticed me watching her and smiled. My heart kind of jumped up into my throat but I managed to calm myself down and figured what the hell and I started a convo with her (her sexy brazilian-portuguese accent totally sealed the deal in my decision to pursue her was the icing on the cake and superceded my reticence due to those insane legs of hers).

Anyways I got her number and later that weekend after partying and drinking took her back to my place. When we got to the bedroom she rode me cow girl style and then switched to reverse cowgirl. Now seeing this girl's super sized big brown butt doing the booty clap on my dick got me overexcited-so after about 15-20 strokes later I was about to cum so I told her to stop (usually I am better able to control myself but I was super attracted to her at this point). I wanted to prolong the bliss so I said I wanted to go down on her (mostly to calm myself down a bit). She smiled and complied. Using a combination of my fingers and mouth I fingered her and played with her clit for about 2-3 minutes. She was moaning then all of a sudden...POW! Fluid just exploded out of her-my mouth was open and it went down my throat and some also managed to get into my nose. There was a liter of the stuff all over the bed and I was covered in it...Made my cumshots paltry and pale in comparison. She was my first ever squirter so I was in shock to say the least. After I was done gagging she apologized and said she had never squirted like that before. I said it was okay but joked that we couldn't sleep on the bed...She ended up finishing me off with a bj and we both slept on the couch (it was very late). Lets just say after that I covered my bed with lots of towels whenever we decided to have sex-I also ended up naming my dishwasher after her! lol

So heres the question: what was the biggest most disturbing facial you ever experienced? I am curious how it compares to the one I experienced. Sorry for the long story didn't expect it to be this long.

Anonymous said...

I guess sarah's been too busy with many things that she can't be bothered with sex with her man, I'm sure she's got another man too, just in case todd is too worn out for the task when she wants her

Diefenbaker said...

I went on a date once with a massage parlor attendant. She was vety attractive and her personality was out of this world. She told me about her job about 15 minutes into the date. I had no problem with it, but she seemed very annoyed when I told her that I enjoyed going to massage parlors. She grilled me off and on the whole night about what places I went to and how far the attendants would go. When we got back to her apartment she had me take off my clothes and lie on my back on her coffee table while she gave me a handjob. Afterwards she said she didn't want to date me again, but if I wanted I could see her again at her regular rates at the massage parlor. I think I will do it, I really like her!

Kabu said...

Found this about you...thought you might like it

Anonymous said...

Question. First happy ending I got she used one oil at first then as the happy part started she used another warmer one. Do you do that and what might that have been?

cj said...

Famous clientele are not a reason why parlors are busted. What celebrities may bring, however, is unwarranted attention from the press. We call reporters who snoop around The Business "Trolls."

We've had trolls sniffing around here. The most latest reason is our new addition to the neighborhood - Jon Gosselin.

2nd Anon,
That's a story from my personal life which I won't go into here. But I think at work, the biggest nightmare I think is the dreaded cumshot in the hair. I mean, I can deal with semen on the face. But get it in my hair? I usually freak because it's such a pain in the ass to get out. Meanwhile, a facial is easy to wash off.

Sounds like she didn't dig you, and I totally understand not wanting to date a customer. But I'm glad to hear that you've found yourself a new masseuse!

Last Anon,
Yes. She switched from massage oil to baby oil. I do that too.


Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...

Hey, you, miss gorgeous... After my lifelong demise, here's my fantasy in Heaven, which you may or may not wanna take part in (totally up to you): to love as I undauntedly, unrestrained wanna be loved. GO NO FURTHER, GIRL, UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED. Ponder sex in Heaven; ponder love make'n for the whole length and breadth of forever... slow, soft, and smooth... interspersed with delicious-N-nutritious Pi. Centillions of delight. Howsabout a big, yummy O for days, or months, or years... sighing, sobbing, screeem'n bloody murder... is definitely allowed in the realm where the 73 degree sun never sleeps. Almighty God wouldn't create Heaven without passion and joy forever. No, you don't gotta with me, you don't gotta with anyone. Only an option for those who wanna make physical love a part of their eternity. Just imagine, girl: twenty-two? a hundred and one? fifty-five thousand? handsome, tall, muscular, gentle guys love'n you alone + 111 years + nude swimming in the shallow ocean + nude floating in the sky + erotic, bedtime stories at dusk + whatever your precociously, precarious precious heart comes-up with. Mama mia. The sky's the limit, babe. BUT, YET, YA MUST GIT-UP THAR FIRST. You must see the need for repentance in this finite existence (I go every month). Why not? Why wouldn't Almighty God allow that super-freeek'n-dooper, glorious high for 7 months or 77 months? Why wouldn't God allow His creatures to love one another? Do we gotta sit stupified for all eternity twiddling our thumbs singing tired, ol psalms? I doubt it; I'd rather 'Git-it-on' as the UFC announcer sez... then goto Mass on Sundays. See? Heaven ain't as boring or tasteless as you thot, doll; God loves you and God wants to provide the very best for you for eternity. I want Heaven, too, to love you, serve you, honor you, nekk and cherish you forever. For those few who actually achieve the Great Beyond these days? God sez, 'Eye has not seen...' You cannot stay here, girl: all of U.S. must croak someday. So decide if this whorizontal, lifelong demise is worth the slow, unraveling, unending joy of Heaven. God bless you --- Meet me in Heaven. You won't be disappointed.