The Grinch That Stole Christmas

This has turned out to be a really awful week. What started off as the most fun holiday season in a long time has now taken an ugly twist - not just for me but everyone here at The Business.

This past Saturday, I was covering the day shift with Maude. The morning was going just fine when guess who walks in the door...

Audrey. Back from the dead after 9 months. I speak to her on the phone about once a week, but this was a total surprise. I could tell by Maude's reaction that she was expecting this little visit but didn't bother to warn me.

At first it was all a kissy-kissy lovefest. But when things settled down and Audrey got down to business, she went into total bitch mode. First she explained that she was here to "help" us out during the busy Christmas weeks. "Help?" I asked. Last time I spoke to her, I said the workload was just fine and that the 3 of us were handling it just fine. But I guess she saw the numbers from Maude and that greedy little bitch thought she could drum up a little bit of extra spending cash at our expense.

Now I know that Audrey still owns The Business and I have absolutely no right to complain about her wanting to work. But come on - to just show up unannounced when we have a full schedule and basically take away HALF our customers each shift? That's bullshit. And when I say that I'm being generous. That motherfucking cunt has pulled out ever trick in the book to take all the good customers this week and stiff us with all the therapeutics and cheapskates. It's almost like she came out of retirement with a vengence just to remind us who's really the boss around here.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. From the moment she set foot inside the door, she wanted all the decorations to be torn down. She started by telling Maude to "get rid of all this crap" on the front desk. I winced when I heard that because I know how much the decorations mean to her. Heck - it was all I could do get her to take down the lights and move the tree.

Audrey tore into her sister. And let me tell you, the got into it right then and there. I've never seen Audrey yell that much before (not including some of our fights of course). But when sisters fight it can get ugly and personal.

When it was all over, I had never seen Maude that upset before. And that's when it occurred to me - Maude takes this job seriously. Sure - to some people she's just the lady that schedules handjobs and cleans the toilets. But to Maude - she's The Office Manager. And this job didn't just give her a steady paycheck, it gave her a purpose.

I know that sounds funny, because most people would say Mother Theresa had a "purpose." But I guess when you've spent most of your adult life sitting in a trailer staring at a TV, then it's a lot easier to find a purpose. And The Business became Maude's.

I'm not gonna fault her for it. In fact, I'd be the biggest hypocrite on the planet if I did (instead of the top 100), since I've made a career out of this place (and a decent one at that). I guess I just never figured the front desk to be important since that's not where the money is.

So I've been trying to cheer Maude up this past week, which is not easy considering it feels like death around here - what with most of the decorations being taken down and Audrey here almost every shift. We're all stressed out with all the tension in the air - and Christmas almost here. Luckily, we're closed for the 3 day weekend. I don't expect Audrey to come back since it's usually dead until the end of January. So we'll just have to suck it up till then.

But if it makes Maude feel better, maybe I'll encourage her to decorate for Martin Luther King Day.

CJ

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like... Maude

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a fucking Christmas tree in our lobby."

That's the voicemail I got from Cindy the other day. When I first heard it, I didn't know what I found more shocking - the fact that there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Business, or that Cindy managed to use the F-word and "Christmas tree" in the same sentence.

First off, our lobby isn't that big, so I really couldn't picture where a tree would fit. And second, why on Earth would we need a tree there? It's awkward enough for our customers to have to wait between sessions, but to make them sit and stare at a Christmas tree too? Our customers are usually here at this time of year to escape the holiday season, not wallow in it.

When I came in to work yesterday, I discovered that Maude, our resident Martha Stewart, kinda went overboard with the decorations. I explained to her that the little plastic snowmen on the desk were one thing, but this giant tree dominating the front entrance is something else. She was hurt at first, but after some negotiating she agreed to move it to our break room. We had to remove the table to squeeze it in there, but it fit, and Maude even had fun redecorating it.

Personally, I love Christmas and don't mind the over-indulgence here at work. It's in stark comparison to Audrey's bare-bones, sterile, bah humbug attitude of last year (and the year before and the year before...). I mean she never really did anything festive around here. And when you're stuck here 40 hours a week, you welcome anything that cheers things up.

So having her sister here managing the place is sort of a breath of fresh air. She keeps the place super clean and she takes care of all the mundane chores. And now as we've discovered, she takes her holidays very very seriously. Thanksgiving for example - she decked out the lobby in fall decorations and even taped a giant cardboard turkey on the refrigerator. It looked like a kindergarten class around here. But when the woman vacuums the floors and cleans out the fridge - you really can't complain.

Then Christmas rolled around. Maude brought in 4 plastic crates filled with Christmas decorations. When I asked her how she could afford all this she said not to worry - these are all her "extra" decorations from home. Let me tell ya - that must be some decked out trailer. I bet you could see it from space.

Not only did she stick an 8 foot tall tree in the lobby, she also put up garland around the desk and lights in the window. I'm not exactly a grinch, but I did make her take down the lights. I had to remind her we're a massage a parlor, not a Hallmark store. But overall, she's definitely lifted the holiday mood around here - which is usually depressing. I bought a necklace made of Christmas lights that runs by battery. And we've all been taking turns wearing a Santa hat when we're on the front desk.

Heck - we're even thinking of doing a secret santa this year! Of course it can't be that secret when you only have 4 people in The Business.

CJ

Cumming to a Theater Near You...

This week, Audrey finally introduced her sister Maude to us. I'm not sure what was more shocking - the fact that this is the first time in months that we've actually seen Audrey at work, or that her sister looks absolutely nothing like here.

Let me put it to you this way... anyone wandering in off the street and seeing that sour puss at the front desk would not think for a second that we're a massage parlor. Putting Maude and handjobs in the same thought would leave your head spinning. In a way it's kinda good that we're relying on Regulars for business right now, because newbies would probably run for the hills.

Trina and I were trying to figure out who would play us in "Happyendingz - The Movie" when it occurred to us that Kathy Bates would be perfect to play Maude. Originally I wanted to be played by Lindsey Lohan, but now that she's a hot mess I think she would be a much better Cindy. Partly because they both have that devil-may-care attitude, but mostly because they both look hot wearing an alcohol bracelet.

Trina now wants to be played by Sarah Jessica Parker - probably because she just saw that Sex in the City movie. I argued that no one would want to look at her face while getting jerked off. I mean I guess you could try to cover her face with the semen, but that's just my opinion.

Meanwhile I have changed my mind as to who will play me. I want Anna Faris from the Scary Movie series. She would need implants to get the look down, but I think she would give me that girl-next-door vibe. And I think the movie should be more a sexy comedy instead of a serious drama. If you’re thinking it would make a great porno, it’s been done. Check out Jenna Jameson in ‘The Masseuse.’ That first scene pretty much sums it up what it’s like to be in The Business.

Now there was one actress that both Trina and I agreed on. Audrey would be played by Andy Dick in a wig.

Everyone have a good 4th of July weekend! We are closed and I'm getting my drink-on!!!!

CJ

Tales of an Ugly Stepsister

OK - I'm back. Things have finally settled down, but OH THE DRAMA. I guess Audrey and I needed to have it out. We may have had a few disagreements in the past ("You stole my customer!", "I need you to work Saturday," "Why is my keyboard sticky?" etc.) but we do agree on one thing - the Business could use some extra help.

Now I'm not talking about another masseuse. I'm talking about someone to take care of all the non-handjob related stuff around here (this business ain't all glamour ya know).

So this is where another member of the Audrey Clan comes in. This time it's the older sister (and in this story I'm Cinderalla of course). Turns out that Audrey is the only "success" story in that family - being a genuine business owner and all. There are other bizarre members of Audrey's family I could talk about, but that's one trailer park I don't want to empty out just yet.

I'll affectionately refer to my new co-worker as "Maude." And I say co-worker, because technically she won't be telling us how to do our jobs. I'll still be in charge of schedule, but Maude will be a sort of Office Manager I suppose. She'll answer the phones, schedule appointments, order supplies, and clean the place. I think Audrey's doing it this way just to give Maude a source of income.

And don't worry - there's no secret plan for her to start stealing our customers. If you saw her you'd know why. She's around 50, short and very heavy set. The word "plumb" comes to mind when describing her. You wouldn't want to see her topless, let alone handling your junk.

She's supposed to start in a couple of weeks. I guess she's waiting to put the wheels on her place and get it towed over to this side of the Poconos. I'm not holding my breath over it since she may be a fuck up just like everyone else in that family.

Now thinking back to when Audrey and I had our fight, she did say that she was going to put her little sister in charge. Turns out she meant it only as a threat. Even Audrey's not that stupid. But I can talk more about that train wreck later.

And in case you were wondering, during my week off, I actually did 2 nights in my new gig as a bartender. Let me tell ya - that work is HARD. You bust your ass, break a sweat, stain your clothes and come home smelling like beer. But I have to admit that it was kinda fun flirting with customers and cracking jokes and stuff.

I had a couple of drunken college boys daring me to "... show us your tits!" I looked them right in the eye and said "Sure. $80." I think my dead serious tone of voice shut them up. The funny thing is that I wanted to add "... G-string is $120 and nude is $150."

If they only knew.

CJ