Thursday, July 1, 2010

Cumming to a Theater Near You...

This week, Audrey finally introduced her sister Maude to us. I'm not sure what was more shocking - the fact that this is the first time in months that we've actually seen Audrey at work, or that her sister looks absolutely nothing like here.

Let me put it to you this way... anyone wandering in off the street and seeing that sour puss at the front desk would not think for a second that we're a massage parlor. Putting Maude and handjobs in the same thought would leave your head spinning. In a way it's kinda good that we're relying on Regulars for business right now, because newbies would probably run for the hills.

Trina and I were trying to figure out who would play us in "Happyendingz - The Movie" when it occurred to us that Kathy Bates would be perfect to play Maude. Originally I wanted to be played by Lindsey Lohan, but now that she's a hot mess I think she would be a much better Cindy. Partly because they both have that devil-may-care attitude, but mostly because they both look hot wearing an alcohol bracelet.

Trina now wants to be played by Sarah Jessica Parker - probably because she just saw that Sex in the City movie. I argued that no one would want to look at her face while getting jerked off. I mean I guess you could try to cover her face with the semen, but that's just my opinion.

Meanwhile I have changed my mind as to who will play me. I want Anna Faris from the Scary Movie series. She would need implants to get the look down, but I think she would give me that girl-next-door vibe. And I think the movie should be more a sexy comedy instead of a serious drama. If you’re thinking it would make a great porno, it’s been done. Check out Jenna Jameson in ‘The Masseuse.’ That first scene pretty much sums it up what it’s like to be in The Business.

Now there was one actress that both Trina and I agreed on. Audrey would be played by Andy Dick in a wig.

Everyone have a good 4th of July weekend! We are closed and I'm getting my drink-on!!!!

CJ

9 comments:

Advizor said...

If this posts twice, I'm sorry, I got an error the first time.

I love the "Andy Dick in a Wig" image, and seeing Cathy Bates at the front desk would lead me to order auto parts more than a happy ending.

And, yes, you are right, NO ONE wants to see SJP working their junk, but Anna Ferris? Super cute, good casting call.

Anonymous said...

For sure. SJP looks like the love child of Mr. Ed and the guy from that movie Mask. Given the choice I'll make my own happy ending.

GoodWill said...

LMAO! Andy Dick in a wig...wow.

Love the blog. Stories are always entertaining, and it's interesting to hear your perspective on it all.

Anonymous said...

ali larter

Elizabeth banks

or

sara carter

-pat

Anonymous said...

Happyendingz is going downhill. CJ's stories aren't what they used to be, the comments suck now, and CJ no longer replies to them.

Mike said...

That's not nice...she works like everybody else...I believe the whole business in Berks County is under fire right now...they busted like 6 or 7 of the AMP's over the last few weeks and I went to get a quick massage at Country Body Techs in Breiningsville on Friday and they are closed...it sucks that this is harmless and it has to get picked on so much...but yeah, I wish we would see more comments too!

cj said...

Anon,
Ali Larter - I like!


Next Anon,
I'm sorry. I'm really trying to keep up now. The comments section seems to go to shit when all the haters and weird russian porn guys dump their stuff here.

I'm seriously thinking of doing the "review comment" thing. At least that way I'll have to stay on top of the comments.


Hey Mike,
I heard that... But don't worry - I think some places are just laying low for the summer until the crackdown blows over.


CJ

Anonymous said...

Fucking hilarious.

Andy Dick in a wig is such a hilarious and disturbing image. I just spit my cheerios out.

Great blog, CJ.

Continuous But Plural said...

No, in Hollywood everything wood be lovely....Parker Posey would play Audrey, Cindy would be played by Joey Lauren Adams, Trina would be played by Miracle Laurie, and you would be played by Drew Barrymore.