Friday, December 10, 2010

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like... Maude

"You're not gonna believe this, but there's a fucking Christmas tree in our lobby."

That's the voicemail I got from Cindy the other day. When I first heard it, I didn't know what I found more shocking - the fact that there's a Christmas tree in the lobby of The Business, or that Cindy managed to use the F-word and "Christmas tree" in the same sentence.

First off, our lobby isn't that big, so I really couldn't picture where a tree would fit. And second, why on Earth would we need tree there? It's awkward enough for our customers to have to wait between sessions, but to make them sit and stare at a Christmas tree too? Our customers are usually here at this time of year to escape the holiday season, not wallow in it.

When I came in to work yesterday, I discovered that Maude, our resident Martha Stewart, kinda went overboard with the decorations. I explained to her that the little plastic snowmen on the desk were one thing, but this giant tree dominating the front entrance is something else. She was hurt at first, but after some negotiating she agreed to move it to our break room. We had to remove the table to squeeze it in there, but it fit, and Maude even had fun redecorating it.

Personally, I love Christmas and don't mind the over-indulgence here at work. It's in stark comparison to Audrey's bare-bones, sterile, bah humbug attitude of last year (and the year before and the year before...). I mean she never really did anything festive around here. And when you're stuck here 40 hours a week, you welcome anything that cheers things up.

So having her sister here managing the place is sort of a breath of fresh air. She keeps the place super clean and she takes care of all the mundane chores. And now as we've discovered, she takes her holidays very very seriously. Thanksgiving for example - she decked out the lobby in fall decorations and even taped a giant cardboard turkey on the refrigerator. It looked like a kindergarten class around here. But when the woman vacuums the floors and cleans out the fridge - you really can't complain.

Then Christmas rolled around. Maude brought in 4 plastic crates filled with Christmas decorations. When I asked her how she could afford all this she said not to worry - these are all her "extra" decorations from home. Let me tell ya - that must be some decked out trailer. I bet you could see it from space.

Not only did she stick an 8 foot tall tree in the lobby, she also put up garland around the desk and lights in the window. I'm not exactly a grinch, but I did make her take down the lights. I had to remind her we're a massage a parlor, not a Hallmark store. But overall, she's definitely lifted the holiday mood around here - which is usually depressing. I bought a necklace made of Christmas lights that runs by battery. And we've all been taking turns wearing a Santa hat when we're on the front desk.

Heck - we're even thinking of doing a secret santa this year! Of course it can't be that secret when you only have 4 people in The Business.



Thrush said...

Well a little holiday cheer can't be all that bad.

Al Sensu said...

There's something particularly alluring about a naked woman wearing a Santa hat.

Anonymous said...

Man, this blog just kills me. Laughing my ass off here. Go Maude!

One thought in the back of my head though- how could the cops ever raid you guys when you have Maude at the front desk and a goddamned Christmas tree in the waiting room?


Anonymous said...

Weak sauce...

Anonymous said...

I'm with Al. Naked woman with a Santa hat and glowing Christmas necklace FTW!

Anonymous said...

I'm with both Al and Bill.

Anonymous said...

Question for you...I've been seeing the same MT for the last 4 years (works in a doctor's office and we have a great rapport). Very pro and nothing at all crossing any line. But I feel she goes VERY close to the line. Meaning, she doesn't touch anything but will go within a hair, drives me nuts. And the lower back massage, I have to start doing math in my head so I don't just explode right there while on my stomach. Do you think she knows what she's doing to me or it's just me fantasizing she does and is doing it on purpose?

Anonymous said...

CJ, I am a first time reader of your blogg and am very impressed with your whit and writing skills.

I am a successful businessman and interested in becoming in helping you buy out Audreys business if you're interested.

If interested, I can send you further information.

Continuous But Plural said...

It's funny, this year is the first year I've ever decorated for Christmas in my adult life; it has to do with my mother giving me 3 boxes filled with decorations, her ''extras.'' And now that I have decorated I get why some women get to owning a billion decorations, like Maude. Because once you get the decorations up, you start noticing all the things that Aren't decorated, and then you need more decorations to decorate all those things. Then it spins out of control until it looks like Christmas threw up in your house.

I admire how you asked her to take down some of the lights and the tree. I can guess, since she's one of these decorating women, it probably did disappoint her...but, yeah, not the appropriate place for a tree. Unless it had an erotic theme.

cj said...

You were right. Look at today's post.

That's one of the reasons why we're off LE's radar screens. We go out of our way to look legit. Even have a decent base of therapeutic clients.

Tough to say - can she tell you're excited? If you do things like moan, then she knows exactly what she's doing to you.

Last Anon,
I've given up on buying this place.