Tuesday, January 6, 2009

How To Get Free Handjobs - And Other Things I Shouldn't Be Telling You

Sometimes I forget that this is supposed to be a "confessions" thing, but lately the topics have been rather uncomfortable for me. I really hate talking about the legal stuff - as you can tell. I really don't want to turn this into a debate over what we can and can't get away with. Let's just say that all of the stuff that me and fellow masseuses have done over all these years - well, we've gotten away with it. So let's just leave it at that.

Now last time I mentioned how I used to give away happy endings. Well, it was at the first Business I worked at, and I had to put up with it for about a year and a half. But don't bother looking for it now - it's long gone. Like a lot of places, it eventually switched over to full service and closed down. I left way before that happened.

Ya wanna know how many guys I jerked off for free during that first year - too many to count! If you remember, that place was owned by two women I affectionately called Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dawn. They figured that mandatory happy endings were a little legal loophole - after all, it's not prostitution if I give it to you for free! This was one of those "obvious" massage parlors. I mean, it didn't even try to look like a day spa or anything. At that time the place was partly full-service (except for good girls like me). Not that it was supposed to be - but some girls were breaking the rules big time.

This was the deal... The house pocketed all the "massage" money at the door. The only $$ we made were off the options in the room. I think back in those days we charged $40 for topless, $60 for G-string, $80 for nude and $100 for mutual. Then there was the "no options" option - which was a straight massage where I kept all my clothes on, but I still had to give a happy ending!

Now that I think about it, I'd say about half my customers back then were the "no option" cheapskates. How on Earth did we put up with it you ask? Well, the paying customers more than made up for it. But after a couple months of free handjobs, I started to bitch to the other girls and eventually we came up with a plan. We started asking for a $20 "tip" for the massages up front.

This plan was implemented with mixed results. Some guys told us to go fuck ourselves, while most just gave in. Then there were a few who "tipped" us a dollar or 2 - just to piss us off. They were still getting their happy ending, but NOW it was starting to make us angry. So we all finally complained to Dee and Dawn and they agreed to let us stop with the mandatory HJs.

But before you guys start accusing me of false advertising, I will let you know right now that there are still businesses out there that give it up for free. In fact, one of the full-service Businesses across town still offers handjobs for a $5 massage tip (but their girls are all skanks and not nearly as nice as us!). But I try not to mention that little tidbit in front of OUR customers.

So that's your tip of the day - if you're willing to give up a nice view of a half naked masseuse, you may get a freebee out of it. Wait to see what options they offer then go for none (or the cheapest). There's a pretty good chance that your masseuse will make your day - Just because she wants to! LOL

CJ

12 comments:

Rainman said...

Interesting blog to say the least. I will be stopping by from time to time to get more tips :)

Never been but just may have to give it a try now.

wait2cme said...

I have been to a few places that never asked for tips. But if she treated me nicely I always gave her a good tip. I always had trouble with the upfront girls. If you give her the money upfront she will bail on you or somehow get out of it.

RIV said...

That's simply awesome!
For what its worth, I'd pay extra for your hands if i ever went. :)

flyinfox-satx said...

I am just wondering if there are any of these places here in SATX? I am sure there are but where to find them....

cruuunnnk said...

I love your blog, CJ. I hardly ever comment, but I check every couple days for updates, and am always happy when a new entry is posted.

I live in Vancouver (Canada) and it made me laugh yesterday... usually I just brush past the page in the paper with massage listings. But yesterday I looked and noticed the many "HIRING" notes on the ads. It's funny that I can tell the difference now, thanks to you.

cj said...

Hey guys!

I am soooooo glad to hear that some of you guys out there are finally starting to GET IT! It's really not that hard to find a place and if you've paid attention to everything I've said here, you can have yourself a pretty good time.

The other thing is that I hope I've also taught you guys enough to keep you from embarassing yourself in a legitimate therapeutic massage practice.

Now I just need to hear some stories from you guys trying out my advice for the first time. Don't be shy! Let's hear some juicy details.

CJ

Anonymous said...

Tried your advice and found a nice little place near my house. 10 minutes of hot tub, great 45 minutes massage, and fantastic ending! The masseuse was VERY obviously a bit nervous about asking me about the finish (if I was interested). What do you suggest to let her know next time that this would be something that I am interested in?
Please keep all the great advice coming!

Aelric said...

Hmmm... appreciate the tip, buuut while I like maximizing value for my dollars as much as the next guy, that just doesn't sound like as much fun as the alternative!

and well said RIV!

Anonymous said...

Simply fantastic advice CJ -
One question- how do you request a different masseuse (I.E. Blonde when she is a brunette or white when she is black)?
Cheers!

cj said...

Dear Anon,

Were you in an Asian massage parlor? The hot tub thing us typical of those places. She was probably nervous about asking you because she doesn't know english well.

Dear Other Anon,

Just ask. You always run the risk of offending someone, so just ask politely. Personally, I'm not offended when someone asks for a specific type. What offends me is when someone says it with an attitude.

CJ

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the info again-
This wasnt an asian place, she was a white lady in her 30s.

Thorn said...

CJ: I've been going to AMPs for decades and rarely see hot tubs in them. Legit spas and Russian places, yeah, but not Asian. Table showers and dry saunas galore, but not hot tubs.

Not unless the further west you go into PA the more of them you find, anyway. :)