Thursday, January 29, 2009

HappyEndingz: The Motion Picture

One of you guys commented that we should do a movie of The Business. So whadya think? I was laughing my ass off at the thought. Technically I guess you could say that there's already a movie of The Business, but I think those videos are better suited for an adult bookstore instead of the big screen. But a movie with Tara Reid as the loveable, but troubled young me - that would be something.

Of course she'd have to wear a padded bra! LOL

I asked Trina again who she would want to play her, and she said (and I shit you not) the girl from Ugly Betty. She couldn't explain why, other than it would be pretty funny. Cindy said she'd like to be either Angelina Jolie or that girl from Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria. Cindy actually looks a little like Eva - if she had huge fake breasts and no ass (and 5 months pregnant).

As for Audrey, we took a vote and decided that she should be played by Coco Chanel. Not because they look alike, but because Coco was a mean, greedy, power hungry bitch. Looks wise, I guess you could compare her to a short, blonde version of Cher (after a car accident - LOL).

Then for the customers, we could have a whole bunch of celebrity cameos. How about George Clooney as the mysterious Sugar Daddy, and Brad Pitt as the married man who's wife doesn't fulfill his needs. I know - that sounds way to far fetched. If we wanted to be more historically accurate, we would need Artie Lange as the alcoholic travelling salesman, Larry the Cable Guy as the trucker who hasn't showered in 4 days and Andy Dick as the guy that wears stockings and wants to be spanked.

I don't know... I've always thought that this place would make for a great reality TV show. I mean HBO has their whorehouse show in Vegas, so why not us? I realize that what they do in Nevada is a bit more legal when compared to us, but I think we would be much more interesting since we're not just about sex. At least we shouldn't be, but that topic could be saved for a 2 hour special - "On a very special episode of HappyEndingz... Trina blows a customer to pay her cable bill..."

We could show all the freaky customers, and all the trash talk that goes in on the back room. I mean this would make for some great TV. Look at all the crap that's out there now. I mean, who really wants to see a room full of skanks fighting to sleep with that ugly Flavor Flav? (Wait - that's not you guys, is it? I take that back!). Instead, how about a room full of skanks fighting over a customer who arrived in a Lexus?

Now if there are any big Hollywood TV producers out there reading this, you would make a fortune just following Cindy around with a camera. That would make for the freakiest reality TV show of all time. "In this weeks episode of 'Cindy's Life:' In the spirit of generosity, Cindy dumps a dime bag in a Salvation Army kettle ..."

But If ever decide to make a quick buck in the world of internet porn, I'd call up my old friend Jared with the videos we made in Session. Assuming that there's a market for HJ and facial videos! LOL



Anonymous said...

Please let me be on the writing staff...please please please...I promise I will deliver good juicy material...I have been told I have a way with words...

Oh, I see an Emmy!

The Joker

M said...

Hmmm, I produce promos/pilots for reality shows. 1 actually dealing with sex workers (but not masseuses).

I think an HBO or ST might pick it up but the main issue would be the legality /customer privacy.

Due to this you'd have to play up the tension and be suggestive but never really admit or show anything that incriminates ya'll.

I doubt the 'freak of the week' kind will allow you to film them.

I'd totally wrangle a crew if your interested, and you get the OK.

Elijah said...

Check out the Canadian movie "Rub and Tug", starring one of my favorite bit actors Lindy Booth.

cj said...

Hey M,

HBO has that show on hookers in NYC - how do they get away with that?

I don't think Audrey in a million years would want us to be on TV. But I will bring it up "jokingly" this weekend and see what her reaction is. At the very least it'll be worth a laugh!

And isn't everyone tired of shows about hookers anyway? If a guy wants a BJ for $20 - so what?

Now a guy who wants you to wear a Burger King trainee outfit with stilettos, who asks you to step on his balls - now THAT'S some fun TV watching.


Aelric said...

lol that is too funny, and definitely a show I would watch religiously!

CJ - something you jokingly said made me wonder... do you guys have an opportunity (or do you actively try) to see what your clients pull up in?

I could see a beemer pulling in that should be yours, but Cindy somehow conning / stealing your client for herself.

grub. said...

hah. awesome that you're considering this.

I'd be glad to write you a spec, or spice up another script (in the funny way. not the. hum. spice way. like "cumin" i mean not "cumin". wait... anyway.")

i do know- ejactulating in a strangers hair is ALWAYS funny. much funnier than 90% of sketch stuff on right now..


cj said...

We can sometimes see what a client drives. And yes, sometimes you can predict what kind of tipper he'll be by the car. Girls have been using that trick to steal customers for years...

You think that's funny? You should try being on the receiving end some time. Ha Ha.


Greg Voltaire said...

I have a question that is off-topic.

Men who come into the Business for therapeutic massages, are they usually ignorant of what it actually is, or do they know and are just gauging the workers, etc., or do they know it is what it is and just want a therapeutic massage and this is the most convinient plave in town?

Anonymous said...

Do it "COPS" style and blur the client faces. Some of them might consent anyway if sweet talked on their way out by the right (cute) production assistant. The unmarried (or soon to be unmarried) ones at least. ;)

Anonymous said...

First, let me say that I enjoy reading this blog, cj. I just discovered it a couple of days ago and already went through your archive!

Anyway, my experience as a customer is soewhat different because 1)I'm an American living in Mexico and 2)I stumbled on the whole "Happy Ending" aspect quite by accident.

I was here in Mexico and just wanted a relaxing massage...not even thinking about a Happy Ending. I even answered an ad in the newspaper that precisely said "No Sexo."

So, I go to this place and its just a regular house. I ring the bell and get let in and just see some girls doing their homework in a living room. I get sent to the back massage room and one of the girls comes in.

I kept thinking to myself, "how the hell is this girl old enough to be a LMT?"

Well, to make a long story short she caught me by surprise and started tugging on Mr. Happy and, while it was a different type of relaxation than I had expected, it was a very nice surprise.

Now, I'm hooked...and I guess a bit of a Gringo Sugar Daddy myself...

What's funny is just how similar everything is between what you write and what goes on here in Mexico...Technique, routine, attitude, etc...

Do you think there is a consultant somewhere who goes around telling girls who to set up shop?

Anyway, thanks for the fun read and I look forward to your future posts...

grub said...

god. if i had a nickle for every time i've picked sperm out of my hair.... i'd have, like, two bucks. and when you think about it. that's kind of a lot... you know, as far as sperm picking goes.

Ryan said...

I've been thinking about doing a script about this kind of stuff for a long time. I'm a comic book artist, but I think the script I have in mind is better suited for a movie script. I was doing some research and found your blog, and now I think it might be a good idea to do the script from your end (as opposed to the guy's end, which is what I had been planning).

I'm still not sure exactly what the story will be, but initially I was going to base it loosely on myself, a young, nervous guy with no self-esteem who starts going to massage parlors and eventually becomes an all-out monger (that's the artistic license part, I never turned into a bigtime hobbyist). Now I think it'd be good to have two characters whose stories kind of intertwine, the other one being a working girl.

I'd love the chance to talk to you about it, if you'd be willing. Just to get ideas for the new character, I mean. I don't expect you to help me write it or anything. Even if not, I've already had some great ideas reading your blog, so thanks!

cj said...

Hey Ryan,

I think it's funny that you want to write a story about The Business. But please please please don't use any of my stories from here. I'm already scared to death that someone out there will find out what I've been talking about. And the last thing I need is some guy recognizing his particular little kink being performed up on the big screen.


Ryan said...

Oh, no worries about that. I just meant I got good insights that I wouldn't have had otherwise. Of course I wouldn't steal one of your stories! Just sort of helped seeing it from a different point of view, that's all. Besides, whatever form it takes, it's highly unlikely that many people will ever see it.