Monday, January 26, 2009

The Worst Blind Date Ever

I haven't updated you guys on my personal life lately, mostly because there's been nothing to update. But all that changed this weekend. I don't like to go off topic, but this was kinda sad and funny at the same time.

As you might have remembered, I went back on the internet dating thing a few months ago. The results were pretty much zero. I've discovered that when I finally have time to sit in front of my computer, it's way more fun to gossip about work with you guys than it is to e-mail perfect strangers about how much I like long walks on the beach. I swear these guys are so boring - it's like pulling teeth to get anyone to say anything intelligent.

Anyway, I'm friends with this married couple (we'll call them Martha and Ross) who know someone who know's someone who's "perfect" for me. In other words, it's a friend of a friend of a friend. When you're that far removed, "perfect" means little more than "single." I said "Sure, what the fuck?" I guess I could use a free meal just like the next girl.

So we ended up exchanging phone numbers and "Craig" finally called me 2 weeks ago. He's about my age, never married, owns a business selling computer stuff, too busy to date, hates 'American Idol,' blah blah blah. I told him I'm a shampooist at a local day spa, with similar issues. We exchanged our dating resumes as is routine, but after that we started talking and he turned out to be pretty interesting.

Instead of a "date" date, we decided to meet at the next big get-together between our common friends. Turns out that he has a similar twisted sense of humor as me, so we planned a few ways to mess with our friends minds. He even called me a couple times before the date to work on our jokes, and just to chat. So in other words everything seemed perfectly fine for our first meeting on Saturday night.

The plan was for my friends to meet at his place, then we'd all ride over to a local sports bar to meet everyone else. I took my own car and followed Marsha and Ross over (just in case, if you know what I mean). Craig owns a rather spacious 2 bedroom condo 2 towns over from me. We all go upstairs and not just Craig, but 4 guys greet us at the door. I recognize him from a pic he texted me, so I introduce myself and he gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek in front of his 3 friends.

These guys don't even bother to introduce themselves, since they're busy drinking, grinning and winking at each other. Then all 4 of them just walk away and return to the TV in the living room - leaving Marsha, Ross and me at the door! Ya know, a little tour of the place woulda been nice.
Being offered a beer would have been even nicer.

I give Marsha a look and she gives me one back. Ross just shrugged his shoulders. We decided to just follow them into the living room, but we don't bother to take our coats off since we're not getting a "sit down and relax" kind of vibe. After a few minutes of us talking amongst ourselves and them laughing and joking amongst themselves, Marsha kicks Ross and he suggests loudly that we head over to the bar. On the drive over, I was racking my brain - trying to remember if ignoring me was one of our little jokes we had planned. I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Finally at the bar, there's a group of about 10 other people that we join - half at the bar, half at tables. I sit down at the bar and Craig is quick to order me a drink - first correct thing he's done so far this evening. Turns out to be the last. In fact, the next 2 drinks I ordered and paid for myself.

Craig sat next to me at the bar, but he spent the ENTIRE night with his back turned to me. At first I was facing him and his friends and would try to join the conversation, but it just wasn't happening. Finally I just turned around and started glaring at my friends for doing this to me. After my 2nd drink, we actually started joking about it and I finally started to enjoy myself.

Trina texted me about the date, and I told her how awful it was. She didn't believe me, so I actually took a picture with my cell phone showing Craig sitting there with has back to me. I sent 3 more identical pics throughout the evening. She later told me she was laughing so hard by the 3rd one that she almost crashed her car.

A couple of times I heard my name followed by a couple of giggles, but that was pretty much the total interaction I had with my "date" and his friends. It was during a restroom break that I decided this evening was over. Didn't even bother to say "bye" to anyone, just went straight out the door and jumped in the car. I got home and changed into PJ's. I was brushing my teeth when I heard my phone beep. It was a text message.

I found my phone in my jacket pocket and that's when it occurred to me - where the hell is my purse? I checked everywhere and realized I must have left it in the ladies room back at that damn bar. I called the bar - no purses found. I called Marsha - she was already home too. FUCK!! My purse is gone. I was particularly pissed because I had $250 in cash, plus a gift card for Olive Garden that I was planning on using this weekend. This may sound weird, but the Olive Garden thing was more upsetting than the cash because it was a gift from my sister.

When I finally calmed down and accepted that my shit was gone, I figured How could the evening get much worse? That's when I remembered the text message. It was from Craig. It's still on my phone and I will quote it here in all of it's romantic glory.

where u @ i bot u a beeer

It's a miracle I didn't throw my phone through the wall.

CJ

14 comments:

Athena Marie said...

Ouch! At least you had other people there as an air bag. I refuse blind dates for just such reasons, but your story did give me a good laugh. I'm sorry about the missing purse. I HATE that feeling. Some stupid tramp prob. has it now laughing as she eats her chicken parm at the OG.

farceur said...

You should tell this would be "clown" that this Joker does not require an entrance exam into "Clown School"....He sounds like a real piece of work.

jh0 said...

Aren't dudes supposed to ignore the girls they like? At least not act too interested. Maybe entertaining his friends was his way of showing you he was popular? Dating blows.

The cellphone pic thing was funny, you should have sent him those too.

Nacho said...

HAHAHAHAAAAA! Oh, honey, that's awful yet hysterical! The only good thing I got out of internet dating were some good stories for my friends. I feel for ya and will light a candle for you for good luck.

em jay peeeee said...

aww, I'm sure the guy was a tool, but I kinda feel bad for him. He was probably intimidated by your looks. Sometimes that comes out in funny ways for some dudes. I've been in his shoes a few times and sometimes we go overboard on the nonchalance so we don't appear to eager.

Anyway, what exactly were you wearing that night? Were you displaying cleavage? Did he even look you up and down? Maybe he's gay...

Anonymous said...

I'm engaged to a guy I met on a short lived internet dating stint. We met, he talked me into having sex with him that night, even though I was on my period, and the rest is history! Of course, I always tell people we met the 'classy' way - that he picked me up in a bar;)

zencycle said...

well, his loss, from what I can see. FWIW - I met my wife of 15 years now through a personal ad I answered on a whim (1st time I ever answered one). I was browsing through 'The Dating Page' just as something to read while I was waiting for my sandwich at a deli, and saw the words 'barefoot agnostic'. Yup, my kinda gal.

Anyways, don't get discouraged. It'll happen when you least expect it.

Tom Moran said...

If you ever come to New York I think I can promise you a much better date. At the very least I will face in your direction every once in a while. :)

Aelric said...

wow... what a fucking idiot!!! I was expecting a "the jerk talked to my boobs all night" story.

Didn't even pay attention to you? The guy had a jackpot blind date (and not even talking about your ummmm physical attributes... the initial communication / planning sounded like you guys were on the same fantastically demented page)!

So I agree with em jay, dude is obviously gay...

Colin said...

There are no valid excuses for that behaviour, except that he's obviously so immature that he should still be in diapers.

Don't worry, CJ. A guy is like a bus - there'll be another one along any minute, and you never have to climb aboard until you're absolutely sure that it's traveling in the same direction as you. ;)

gunn said...

From your history, maybe you should not carry more than $20 in your purse.

Thorn said...

Wow! That's really all one can say about that. May I be allowed to apologize for the entire male species and promise you there is better out there.

Wishing well...

cj said...

MJP,
I wasn't all slutted up since I was out with my "couple" friends that night. Fitted T-shirt and white hoodie, plus jeans I think.

But let me tell ya - him and his friends were checking me out all night. I kept hearing the occasional rude comment from them, but the guy just didn't want to talk to me.

Fucking shame too because there were some cuties sitting across the bar who kept motioning for me to join them!


Gunn,
You are sooooooooooooo right! From now on I should only carry:
lipstick
chewing gum
cell phone
condom
$20

CJ

Anonymous said...

oh you should have TOTALLY joined them! that would have taught him!