Thursday, August 13, 2009

Never EVER Tell A Lie - Unless It's Absolutely Convenient

Since we're on the subject of lying, I thought I'd talk about some of the more common ones I use on a regular basis. Yes, CJ is not as pure and innocent as I portray myself. I believe that little white lies are a form of social "lubricant" that just keeps things moving along smoothly.

As you all know by now, my favorite little white lie is telling people I'm a shampooer (there's that word again!). It's the perfect lie for the question of "So what do you do?" Let's face it - 9 times out of 10 that question is meaningless and is used by guys in bars to buy an extra minute of staring at my shirt. When I respond with "shampooer" their eyes kinda glaze over and I'll get a polite "uh huh." NO ONE has ever asked me what that's like and whether I enjoy it or not - EVER.

My next little white lie I use at work is "I'm single." In fact, it's not so much a lie as it is part of the script that all of us follow in this business:

Erotic Massage Rule #7 - ALWAYS make the customer think that you're available.

It plays into the whole seduction fantasy that most guys have. Most customers (especially newbies) do not want to hear the honest truth about our boyfriends/husbands/baby-daddies. They want stories of how we're on the prowl and looking for "Mr. Right." If guys think they even have a tiny microscopic bit of chance with us, they're more attentive and easier to arouse.

One of my favorite variations of the "I'm single" lie is "I just broke up with my boyfriend." It's like taking the "I'm single" line and bathing it in vulnerability. And if you say it with a little sigh at the end, you can add a tiny hint of desperation. It's almost guaranteed to increase your tips!

I was debating whether to include "I'd love to see you again" as one of my favorite lines. Usually it means, "I'd love to see your wallet again" but when I thought about it I realized it's my way of saying "Thank you for not being an asshole." So when I say it, I really would like you to come back.

Now the most common thing I say at work that's usually a total lie is "No, that's fine." It's a sort of coverall for all kinds of things that are offensive or problematic.

For example, I may say "No, that's fine" when a customer apoligizes for farting or something. But to give you an example of how often I rely on this particular white lie, here is a list of the times I'll use it:

Premature ejaculation
Body odor
Limp dick
Cleanliness, etc.

I mean, when it's bad I'll say something but for the most part I'll just say "it's fine" if it'll keep the session going and hurry things up. Meanwhile, I'm saying to myself "You pig!!"

And those are the most common lies I use on a regular basis. But I don't use them all the time. With Regulars who I get to know and trust I'll tell it like it is. Some guys really do want to hear about the boyfriends, or whether they should jump in the shower before we begin.

I've learned over the years to be REALLY REALLY careful about who I can reveal a boyfriend to. A couple of times, I've opened up to customers about my real social life - only to discover later that they used the info to stalk me. Ugh... the stories I could tell you. But that's for another time.

Still trust me? No? It's fine.

(Look! Another lie right there!)


Anonymous said...

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

RIV said...

I think EVERY blogger lies to people in "Real life". I know you wouldn't tell people about what you do, just like I don't tell people what *I* do.

Hell, I'm sure people who don't have blogs lie omit or lie about their private lives! I see it just as many times as you do, I'm sure! It's not bloody likely that people tell their friends/wives/girlfriends that they are going to see you, do they?

Anonymous said...

Why would you say "that's fine" in response to premature ejaculation? I would think you'd welcome that, it making your time spent on the hand release shorter and quicker

Anonymous said...

I'm a huge fan... i found your blog and couldn't stop reading it. I lost two days at work cause i couldn't break free...

Please please please please please don't get bored or frustrated with writing. It seems like you're just using a conversational voice and that's the best part about the blog. Keep it up! This is an awesome look into the massage parlor world.

Anonymous said...


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills
In your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day ..

So folks, always remember to wash your hands after handling money

RIV said...

I don't know about yours, but the strip clubs I go to are pretty clean.
Perhaps you need to spend a bit more and go to a place where the girls can afford to have their ass washed.

cj said...

I say "that's fine" when a guy pops off early because they get all embarassed and I'm just trying to make them feel better.

YOU GET IT!!! Thank you for putting it so well!


Anonymous said...

From OJ's book (or is it George Costanza's!?): remember, it is not a lie... if you believe it!

Seriously, the little white lies that you tell to protect yourself or to better do your job are not bad karma, they're self-preservation.

But I do think that you could be a little (a lot) more candid with us. There's a coyness to your writing and a lack of penetrating insight into your contradictions.

It's OK to lie - the whole world is a lie - but NOT to yourself (or your readers).