Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Female Happy Ending

One of the interesting trends here at The Business is that we get all these new customers at the beginning of the year who are burning up gift certificates for massages that they got for Christmas. Some of them are guys whose friends got them as a (rather expensive) joke. But most of them are sweet little old ladies who got them from their loving children.

"Agnes" is a good example. She's one of my favorite customers even though she doesn't tip for the therapeutic. I like her because she swears like a sailor and has the dirtiest sense of humor. Imagine your grandmother, but with the mouth of Chris Rock. Everything is "F- this and F- that" with the occasional "N word" thrown in (yes - she's black).

I get to see her twice a year - right after Christmas and Mother's Day. Her son buys her gift certificates, and No - he's not a customer. In fact, I really doubt he knows anything about The Business, other than it's within walking distance from his mother's house.

Agnes came in Saturday for her semi-annual session and we did the typical catching up. She tells me all about what her children are up to, and the grand kids, and everyone else in her family. Then she hits me with the annual question about why I'm not married, the lack of quality "gentlemen," and why I gotta follow my dreams, etc.

Well this time we were wrapping up our standard 60 minute therapeutic session when she hits me with "Soooooo... I'm ready for my Happy Ending now."

My heart skipped a beat on that one. My therapeutic technique with her has pretty much been identical for the last couple of years, so now I'm panicking - has she heard something about The Business? "Haaa... haaa... happy ending?" I stammer. "What are you talking about?"

Now I've played dumb before, but it's usually been with guys we don't trust (or don't want to touch). Agnes really threw me a curve ball there.

"That is what you call it, isn't it?" she continued. "That bit at the end?"

I think all the blood has drained from my face at this point. "Uh... what bit?" I manage to say. I have nothing. No comeback. No witty retort. No funny punchline. Nothing. I feel like a teenager who's mother just discovered the condoms under the mattress.

"My head massage..." she explains. "It's my absolute favorite part of the massage girrrl. You should know that by now."

Oh shit - I almost forgot about that part. I always end her with a scalp and facial massage. I breathed a sigh of relief finally. "Of course Agnes! I just forgot about the clock," I lied. "I was just about to get started." I regained my composure and repositioned myself to start working her temples.

Agnes closed her yes and started making "mmmmmmm" noises as I massaged her temples and jaw line. "Mmmmmmm... I mean it's not like I have a dick you can massage now is it?... Mmmmmmm"

I lost it. How often do you get to hear an 80 year old black lady tell you she doesn't have a dick?

"I've lived in this neighborhood for 50 years. Do you really think there's something going on around here I don't know about?"

We had a good laugh - and I think I needed it after the scare she gave me. After we both stopped laughing, we talked during her "happy ending." She was kind enough not to ask me any questions about The Business. Instead she told me stories about how this place used to be a computer store, and before then an insurance agent. And before this building, there was a giant bakery here.

We went 20 minutes over, but I didn't care. It was fun just to chat. Unfortunately, not all of the seniors that come here in January are this friendly. Some are downright nasty, grumpy-ass bitches. If I get stuck with any maybe I'll share her as a new Freak of the Week.



Joker_SATX said...

This post was great! Phew! You had me going there for a minute....

mdcraig62 said...

CJ, have you had women who have wanted a "happy ending"?
Thanks for the great post, as always!

DrChako said...

Ditto. Great story and great post.


Soul Powers said...

OMG! Buhahahahahaha that is efin' hilarious! I'm glad I was drinkin' milk, cuz my laptop would be wearing every ounce right now! Hahahahaha...

Anonymous said...

Great story, my girlfriend was cracking up when I read it to her! I like this lady already. I'd bet that she has nothing better to do than to notice that 90% of the traffic at the massage parlour is male, and connect the dots from there.

As for the haters, nuke the posts, I think most of your regulars are sick of reading them.

mdcraig62 said...

I would not allow 'anonymous' posters, if they are not adult enough to stand behind the nonsense they spew, then they don't get to post. Go back to your warcraft forum, little boy and boast about how you 'pwned' a hard working woman then continue jerking off to the thought of actually touching a girl someday.

Melissa said...

Great post, CJ!

I was just looking on craigslist for restaurant industry jobs, and I clicked on an ad for a spa that's hiring. I thought it was a little odd that it said "only the most beautiful will be chosen for an interview. " Then I went to it's website! This 'spa' has the girl's schedule posted online, with provocative images of every masseuse. They even boast that their rooms are soundproof, they have well lit showers, and they're discreet.

Sounds like a Happyendingz place to me! What do you think? Here's the website: http://www.musemassagespa.com/home.php

Anonymous said...

Melissa - Sounds to me like they do not know the meaning of the term 'discreet'. Expect a shutdown to follow soon after...

RIV said...

That was mean! You had me going there for a bit and almost made me drop my drink!

Funny stuff, though.
I can kinda' relate to the old people as I am getting older. My tolerance of some young people is shrinking.


Anonymous said...

This was great!!! So effin funny I could not stop laughing!!! Keep up the great posts :)

Anonymous said...


Probably what's known around here as a 'jack shack' where the lovely young ladies lure you into their web, upsell you till they've cleaned you out and then let you 'handle' things yourself, if at all.

No correlation to your "Business" CJ. There are good places here and then there are those that always advertise in the sports section of the local paper.

When they are that public they don't do anything that would get them closed down.

Lawrence said...

CJ, thank you! That's the awesomest story I've heard in a long time!

cj said...

Nope - this was the very first one. Thank Gawd!!

I checked out that site. It's in Canada where massage parlors legal. Or to put it more accurately, they are not Illegal. So they can advertise about what the girls look like.

In Australia, not only is it legal, but the parlors there freely advertise the actual services they offer. Check out some websites for their parlors - it's crazy what they can talk about.