Thursday, July 22, 2010

Outcall Massage for Dummies

Hey Guys! I was thinking that if Al Gore was a fan of my blog, he wouldn't be in the trouble he's in now. Or he might be in worse trouble? Who knows. Anyway, I thought that maybe it's time for me to review some of the basics of getting your happy ending for some of the newbies out there. And if you're a high powered politician, then you especially better pay attention and take notes. You know who I'm talking to...

Today's lesson is entitled "Outcall Massage, or How To Get Your Happy Ending In The Privacy Of Your Own Home."

Outcall massage is a genuine form of massage therapy and is primarily meant for customers who are bedridden, or cannot travel to a massage therapists office (i.e. senior citizens, people with disabilities, etc.). Nowadays however, outcall is associated more with tired businessmen in airport hotels. I did outcall for a little bit when I was just out of massage school, but it's a tough line of work. You have to lug around your own massage table, and the customers are often in poor shape or even ill. The pay is good if you can find an agency that can keep you busy.

But we're not gonna talk about that. We're gonna talk about the kind of outcall meant for tired businessmen at airport hotels. This is not the kind of outcall I did, but I know more than few girls who do this. I guess you could say I have done erotic massage on outcall, but that was just a few times for very special customers.

So you wanna have some girl come over to your hotel and provide you with some manual stress relief? Go grab the phone book (it's next to the Gideon's Bible) and flip it open to Massage. If you're in a big city, chances are you'll find a few businesses that advertise outcall massage or "We Come To You!!" Stay away from any listings using the term LMT (Licensed Massage Therapist) or "Chair Massage." If your hotel offers massage services, chances are they are legit (unless you're a vice president).

Now identifying a happy ending provider is tricky because they're just not gonna tell you over the phone. However, you can try to get an idea by asking some questions. For example, "What kind of massage do you provide?" The key words to look for are stress relief, soft or accupressure. If they use the term therapeutic you may as well hang up. Another good question is "Does the masseuse have her own table?" If the answer is "No" then you are 99% home. A legit massage therapist would insist on using a portable table.

[Of course you could just avoid all this secret code stuff and just open up the yellow pages to the Escort section. That pretty much guarantees you'll get laid, but does not guarantee a massage. However, I'm an erotic masseuse, so I'm going to assume that you're still looking for a massage first and foremost.]

Now that you've figured it all out and she's on her way over, you need to seal the deal. Make sure you have cash. Chances are she's not gonna have a credit card reader in her purse, and do you really want her reading your credit card number to some guy named Rocco on her cell phone? Outcall tends to cost more than Incall because you're paying for her travel expenses etc., so try to have the cost of the session as discussed on the phone, plus an extra $100 for a hand release. If you want full services, better make it at least $200 additional. Now if you're wearing an adult diaper with a Batman mask, and you want her to bend you over her knee because "... I've been a very bad boy..." - you better empty out the ATM.

When I was listening to them discuss the Al Gore thing on the Howard Stern Show, they said it was a code sign to hug the masseuse when she arrives. I've never heard of that before - but maybe some girls do that. At The Business, I don't hug anybody I just met. I'll jerk them off, but I won't hug them. Oddly enough, my personal space doesn't include my left hand.

Anyway, the next code sign is the towel. When the masseuse asks you to "get comfortable" or "would you like a towel?" the correct response is to get naked and decline the towel. If you keep the underwear or towel - you're getting a therapeutic massage only. By the same token, if she tells you to keep on your underwear and use a towel, you may be screwed (in the bad way). Your last chance is to say "I'd prefer without" and see what she says. If she insists, then you're getting a therapeutic and you better like it.

Assuming you've successfully gotten this far and you're lying there naked on the hotel bed without a towel, the happy ending is pretty much guaranteed. At this point, she may start the massage or negotiate her tip. If she starts immediately, then she'll either offer you her options at the end of the massage, or she has no options and you're getting a hand release only. You can politely bring up the topic of "extras" at this point if you want something specific. If she offers you options up front, then the door has now been opened and you can ask about whatever perversions float your boat.

This conversation probably did not take place in Al Gores hotel room.

Remember - the masseuse sets the tone of your session and you have to follow her rules. Don't get pushy. If she's a fully clothed, handjob only kinda girl, then accept it (I'm looking at you Al). If she's a full service escort, then you may not even get to the massage. The point is that you probably won't know until after she walks through the door and explains her services to you.

There - that should be just enough information to get you guys started on your own tabloid scandals. Good luck! And if there are any guys out there with more secret tips or code signs, please feel free to weigh in.



Rick said...

CJ, there's a much easier way. I highly recommend paying to be a member of You can either have a recurring monthly membership or pay for a 3 month non-recurring one. If you post reviews, you get your membership extended for free.

This is the best place I've found to discover HJ masseuses. The only drawback is that you'll typically only find them for major cities.

Use the advanced search, choose "no" to "escort" and "yes" to massage. If you're only looking for outcall, that's a choice too.

You will then get results based on recency of reviews. The reviews and ratings tell you all you need to know about the quality of effort and whether this provider is right for you based on looks, personality and performance. It will also give you a good idea of cost.

I only use independents for this, never a service. Many have good web sites that are linked here. Most at least have a single page on a co-op site. I have only had good experiences with this method.

The typical fee is $150-180 for an hour.

The worst experience I ever had with outcall was before the internet. I was in Salt Lake City, not an easy place to find erotic services. But I responded to a newspaper ad that said "we touch 98% of your body." They really meant it. Even after I paid a tip, she would not touch my junk. It was clear I was expected to just jerk off with her touching me elsewhere. It didn't interest me, and she couldn't even give a decent massage, so i sent her away.

Anonymous said...

Thanks little lady. Its always been hard to ensure finding a good co-operative girl when I am traveling with the Mrs. You see I get to come along when Hillary travels on State Business and only leaves me alone for a very short time ever since that "Monica" thing. Now I will be able to get my needs met and still have time for a nice Cigar!

Anonymous said...

Ole Al never was very sharp, even as VP's go he is near the bootom with Biden and Quail.

Ashur said...

When I hear about stuff like this I really begin wondering why these people aren't just hiring prostitutes.

geivets said...

Excellent topic! My advice is to look on craigslist or backpage. You can pretty easily find keywords in the ad that suggest the happy ending: sensual massage, relaxing, body rub, draping optional, cute therapist. If your unsure, call and ask about the massage style, what she looks like, if draping is optional, does she include abs and glutes. These are safe but specific indicators that open the door for hints without getting anyone in trouble. Just have clear expectations of what you want and what you might get. Most outcall girls prefer to go right to the HJ and be out the door in 10 minutes. With some effort you can find a full 60 munutes of indulgence. Good luck my friends.

Joker_SATX said...

First off, on the political bent, I am so happy to see the true nature of these politicians that were making themselves out to be trustworthy enough to be President...i.e. Al Gore, John Edwards, etc. Real nice....

Good post CJ. I used to travel quite a bit, and I am somewhat upset that I did not have this advice earlier. I really could have used it. But that's the past....

Did you ever consider writing a published book about this? I bet you would make a mint.

Anonymous said...

hey there CJ. love the blog.

just curious, when did you last partake in any kind of sexual activity outside of work?

does your job make it weird or ruin it for you?

Dave said...

Have you watched The Client List yet? What did you think?

Based on reading this blog I saw at least a half dozen things that were unbelievable, and I bet you saw way more than that.

cj said...

The adult forums are the most accurate way to find a parlor, but I was trying to describe the easiest way for newbies without having to join anything.

I've heard stories about Salt Lake City. A customer told me that they had the best escorts services because they were chock full of young women who wanted to rebel against everything.

Erotic massage is 1 step below escorts. It's for when you truly want the relaxing experience of a full body massage followed by a hand release. If all you want is to get laid, then by all means call an escort agency. The problems start when guys confuse the 2 services.

Good point - make sure you're getting the full massage because a lot of the independent girls just want to get you our of their house as soon as possible by going straight to the happy ending.

If you must know, I got laid last weekend. And work has virtually no impact on my sex life since I'm not full service. Unless of course I'm giving a handjob, in which case my technique is absolutely perfect.

I started to answer you, but then it got so out of control that I just turned it into todays post. Thanks for the inspiration!


wait2cme said...

never did the out call massage thing. but i have been to the parlors often through the years. best places were the off the beaten path places. on the phone i would ask do the girls accept tips? and the ladies say yes or no not that type of place. if i was at a new place and was not sure when she came in the room i would ask if it was OK if i took my underwear off and she would say sure go ahead, or no you should keep them on. for 500 bucks Al assumed she was f/s i bet she led him to believe he was getting something.i had that happen a few times. most of the review boards i have used seem to be self posting so i don't bother with them.

Anonymous said...

This blog is awesome, I just wanted you to know, CJ, you were the final pushing point that got me to man up and call this lady that does incalls around my area. $75 an hour even, not a bad deal. I thought I was really SOL when she showed up, however, as she had a table, used all the therapeutic words you warned about, left the room for me to disrobe, had me fill out an almost medical record form. I figured I was screwed, or well not screwed (zing!). Turns out she does run a legit business with therapeutic only bedridden folks, because after about 50 minutes of what was a pretty good massage she asks, "would you like me to massage anywhere else?" My jaw froze, my eyes got wide, pupils dilated and I didn't know what to say, "I, uh...*cough*, um, yes" Turns out she's totally completely full service, for no extra tip (which i still gave her double her asking fee, so she's always happy to have me call back). It was great, I thanked her, and now I would like to thank you, CJ, for etiquette tips and giving me the courage to just do it. =)

Anonymous said...

Koreans will massage AND screw the hell out of you. Chinese and Hispanics working in KMPs will do the same, of course. And some are LMTs if it matters to you (no added cost!), BTW.
Just sayin'.

To the previous anon, you actually got an "outcall" massage + HJ (handjob) or HE (happy ending) or HR (hand release) - all the same thing. Full service (FS) is sex, man. And yes, it's available (just not from CJ).
At $75 that was a smoking deal, BTW. And even $150 wasn't bad, especially for outcall. Score!

To the first anon, cigar insertion is $80 extra ($75 if cuban) in PA (wink).

Unknown said...

I realize I'm writing way after the fact, but I wanted to say how much I learned from reading your blog. I am a mobile massage therapist in Albuquerque, and I'm getting the impression that I may be sending mixed messages when people call about my services. Although I have no problem with people who want a hj or extra services, or the people who provide those services, I just don't do it. But if someone asks me about draping, I tell them draping is optional, because I don't care one way or the other. I guess I need to let them also know that just because I can see it doesn't mean I'm gonna touch it. After 8 years as a mobile massage therapist, even I don't know all the code, and occasionally find myself with a client with expectations that I'm not going to meet. I appreciate the education today, and hope I will be able to better communicate with potential clients in the future.

outcall massage said...

We open massage shop in London before few months. Its good for now.

How your business go ther?

Anonymous said...

You're giving us LMTs a bad name and reputation. Just because some people want to have happy endings doesn't mean you have to say yes. As future therapist myself I want to make it clear to those that read this crap that not all massage therapists use their healing skills for prostitution.
We learn how to heal the human body with our hands and instead some decide to give the rest of us a bad name.
So thanks.

Joe said...

To the last anon--

Everybody has their own reasons for the decisions they make and the paths they take. It seems that CJ started off in the same position that you are now and, when economic reality hit, she was introduced to the happy ending massage as viable option for making a living. Straight massage was not an economically viable option for her. Perhaps for you, it will be. It has not been a decision without cost for her, however. But everybody has to live their own life as they best can manage. And what works for one may not work for another. Just some thoughts to throw out there.

Chan said...

I know I'm years past the original posting but how can I identify ones that will provide full service for women. It doesn't matter if the therapist is male or female, I just want to experience. I've tried flirting and I've had a few come close to touching. A light brush on the bush....never the breast :( I liked to be happy. And I'm trying to get liscensed and hope to get full service clients male and female in addition to the basic services so thanks for the tips on how I can advertise without just coming out and seeming vulgar.