Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Client List

Did any of you guys catch the "Client List" with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime? It was another poor attempt by Hollywood to show what a massage parlor is "truly" like on the inside. Makes me gag. Once again another example of someone screwing things up by not consulting an erotic masseuse.

I think most things in life would go easier if you consulted with an erotic masseuse first, don't you? (I'm STILL looking at you Al)

Anyway, I forced myself to sit through some of it in the name of professional development. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but then again I realized that the point of the movie was to make things sexy and scandalous so people would watch. If you want realism, check out those HBO specials on the Bunny Ranch. Now those are some real whores.

So what was technically wrong with it you ask? Well for starters, all the workers were drop dead gorgeous. But they had to be - they were all Hollywood actresses and not teenage runaways, drug addicts, strippers, or morally challenged massage therapists. A real massage parlor worker has more of the "girl next door" look. And a full service bordello (like in the movie) is more like the kinda girls you see in Walmart at 2:30 in the morning.

Another thing that bugged me was all the women walking around in lingerie at work. There is no quicker way to get busted by the cops than by having your staff walking around half naked. At a real massage parlor, the staff lays low and dresses conservatively so anyone walking in off the street would never suspect anything. But once in the room, you can break out all the lingerie, stiletto heels, and rubber masks to your hearts content.

And finally, I LOVED the fact that this place catered to the rich and powerful. Boy, I wonder if they're still hiring! The fact of the matter is that you don't really get to choose your customers - especially in this economy. A Busboy's money is just as good as a Lawyers. Do you really think there's a woman at the front desk asking for customers resumes?

I mean, we've had our share of local politicians, cops, lawyers, doctors, business owners, etc. But politicians tend to be REALLY discrete when they stop by. They do the whole dark glasses, fake name routine. You know who brags the most about who they are? - local TV/radio/sports guys. They're just famous enough to want you to kiss their ass, and not famous enough to worry about the scandal of being caught in a massage parlor.

Now if Steven Spielberg is out there reading this crap - give me a call and I'll give you the REAL inside story of a massage parlor. But then again, could you really show a handjob in a movie?



Just Visiting said...

Of course, we don't watch homely people on TV. And Lifetime is about fairy tales - and I have yet to see a princess at a real jack shack. Some hotties, yes, but nobody that was going to end up marrying a wealthy prince she met on a cum-stained massage table.

CJ: How 'bout some stories about the old days? I remember a post about Cindy blowing a customer, and you said you've watched her before. Turn us on! Tell us about it!


Lilith said...

I'm so glad you talked about this! I was waiting to see your reaction.

In other flaws, I also caught that they brought the first time clients into a special room, with a 2 way mirror (ewwwww) but she she just whipped off his boxers and went to work... No safety 'script' for the newbies. Also they kept a condoms and vigira on stock in mass quantities.

Although to disgree with what you said, the girls did wear sexy outfits in the back hall way it was a locked passageway, and outside in the lobby they wore standard salon uniforms.

I also hate how the description of the it was something about a womens struggle to give up her client's names or stay wit her children, and in actuality that was about a 15 sec scene.

Although my 'favorite' part was the end. The angry mob of wives storming to her house... and then demanding sex tips... I'm suuuuuurrrree that would be the majority's reaction in that situation.

Al Sensu said...

I couldn't help myself, I watched the whole thing. There were two wonderfully written scenes, one with her and her daughter and the other with her husband. The rest was trash. And it was upsetting to see Cybill Shepherd playing her mom. I still think of her jumping into a swimming pool nekkid in The Last Picture Show. The thing I don't get is that there are a lot of talented writers out there, and it really doesn't cost more to use a well-written script. And I agree, seriously, they should have used a consultant who knew something about the biz. Considering the cost of production, it wouldn't have killed the budget. So cheesy!

Buddy and Snowball said...

Best line of the week: "morally challenged massage therapists"

Anonymous said...

Just recently discovered this blog and really enjoy reading it.

Reading this, I feel like I’m reading a chick’s diary that will someday be turned into a book. It will then become popular among young girls who want to learn how men think and how they should respond; and then, this book will turn into a movie, like Sex in the City type thing where men are dragged to watch it with their gf/wife, but still somehow themselves like it because it helps them understand how women think. Totally cool. Can’t wait!

Hell, it would make some good reality TV show. (I hope I get a 5% cut for any or all ideas I’ve mentioned here.)

Now to find CJ's clone here in MI...

Anonymous said...

The best part of the movie was seeing JLH in different lingerie costumes, one after the other. Face it, she'd do VERY well in "the business" with her assets.

The rest of it was garbage.

geivets said...

JLH is smokin. THE only reason to watch. CJ, in a comparison, who has the bigger tits? Jeeze, imagine a mutual with both CJ and JLH. Ok, gotta go, something just came up...

BlueLantern said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BlueLantern said...

I'm glad you were able to catch the movie and give your thoughts. Your point about the rich and powerful clients was really good. I wrote up my reactions about the movie here:


Anonymous said...

could you really show a handjob in a movie?

Surprisingly, you can. Here is "Penny" from Lost in some show that was on HBO or Showtime.


Just Visiting said...

For the record, the Sonya Walger handjob scene was simulated - using a prosthetic, I suppose. Among other things, real sex was (and is) a violation of union rules.

That said, I was shocked at what cable TV gets away with nowadays.

Anonymous said...

Why would you waste money at a HJ parlor when a K AMP offers so much more for about the same price?

Just Visiting said...

Oooh - don't say AMP around CJ... she's gonna release the kraken on your butt!


Want2TryButScared said...

CJ, you didnt answer my Q - What happens to the customer when there is a crackdown on the business or an AMP etc when a session is going on?

cj said...

Yeah - I might break out some stories from the "good ole days" since it's been pretty dull around here lately.

What possible reason would the girls have to wear lingerie in the "private" area? They're not servicing customers back there. In the real world, the girls would be in sweats and hoodies back there. I know I do!

WOW - they really showed that on cable tv??? If that's the case, then Hollywood - Here I cum!

Next Anon,
That's not always true. Asian places will try to squeeze as much money out of you as any other place. It's all about the going rate. Also, a massage parlor is supposed to be about a relaxing massage followed by a hand release. If you want full service, then go to a brothel.

According to what I know, and the recent police reports from the local crackdown, anyone caught in the building is getting busted with a "public lewdness" or "indecency" charge. They can't actually get you for solicitation since they have no proof. All they have are 2 naked people in a room.

To get busted for solicitation, they either have to catch you in the act, or in a sting. But don't get me wrong - I'm sure it's not fun for those guys! The cops usually make it a point to humiliate you as much as possible before letting them go.


Anonymous said...

It was inspired by this:
“She Had Brains, a Body, and the Ability To Make Men Love Her”

Anonymous said...

So how much of The Client's List was actually true? I can tell you as a screen writer who also does erotic rubdowns for a living that there were parts of the movie that were not true, but dramatized to look true like in the end of the movie when the women went to ask JLH what she did to make their husbands so happy and she showed them. I doubt it if that really happened. You can find the real story about The Client's List on the web and what character JLH was playing. Otherwise I thought the movie was interesting. I just wish the cops stayed away and the women could have their fun, but them it wouldn't have been a movie.