Thursday, December 2, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Hustler

I had an interesting mix of customers over the past week. Some newbies, some Regulars I haven't seen in a while, and even some local grannies in for their yearly therapeutic. We get this weird bump in Little-Old-Lady traffic about this time of year as they dust off the gift certificates their sons bought them LAST Christmas and forgot to use.

It's the perfect gift when you think about it. A guy can come in, pick up a gift for his mom, get his own holly jollies, and cross 2 things off his Xmas list. Then when his wife asks him later if he took care of his mother, he can look her square in the eye and say quite honestly "Oh yeah, I took care of her."

But that's not the most interesting thing to happen around here this week. The other day I had a customer come in carrying a large shopping bag full of boxes. I asked him what the deal was, and he said he was there to barter. He opens up the bag and pulls out boxes of cool stuff including:

Cell phone accessories

Apparently this guy runs kiosks at several malls and he was doing a supply run. He explained that they specialize in high profit/high turnover stuff just for the holidays. And let me tell ya - even I was thinking "I could use 2 of those, and 3 of those..." Sure, the stuff is mostly crap made in China, but there isn't anyone on my list who couldn't use a snuggy or a remote control car.

So I asked him what he had in mind, and he asked "so whadya do around here?" And I have to admit that I was sooooo blinded by all the shiny goodies that I broke erotic massage protocol and discussed options and extras at the front desk! Let me tell ya, if this guy had been an undercover cop then lock me up because I pretty much gave up the entire store.

"I'll take my top off for one of those monster trucks and 3 snuggies."

"Are you kidding me? I can't keep these trucks in stock. They're like gold. How about you also waive the door fee and I'll make it 4 snuggies instead?"

"I can't waive the fee - my boss would fire me! But let's say I did.... that's gotta be worth what, 2 robot dinosaurs?"

"2 dinosaurs? You're killing me! OK, for that I want the door fee waived, full body massage, you totally naked, and a blowjob."

"Nice try baby, but I don't think you have enough snuggies and dinosaurs in that truck to get a blowjob. However, I might give you a breast release if you throw in the monster truck, the dinosaurs AND one of those helicopters..."

He gave me a confused look and that's when I knew I had him. I explained to him in VIVID detail what a breast release consisted of. And to seal the deal, I made sure to stand up and slowly unzip my hoodie. The visuals worked, and he finally just said in a defeated tone "follow me." We went to his truck and inside was a motherlode of gifts for Christmas. We settled on our final exchange of goods for services. Basically, it turned out to be enough stuff to cross off a significant portion of this years gift list. Heck - he even helped me carry it to my truck!

I can't wait to see my nephew's expression when he opens up that giant remote controlled helicopter on Christmas. I only hope my sister doesn't ask "So how much did THAT cost?"

2 ounces of baby oil and 5 minutes of my time?



Advizor54 said...

This is the funniest one yet. I love this guy, and you for bartering so well.


Ming said...

So those conversations really happened? That is so comedy TV material.

I also wonder what the deal about door fee ended up with. Did you pay his door fee out of your pocket?

Thanks for the entertaining reads, CJ.

Anonymous said...

Love it. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Great post, CJ. Your writing is excellent.
This is such an entertaining blog.
Happy Holidays to you and your forearms, Sweetie.

Anonymous said...

Did he get cum on your face?

Anti Gravity Game Network said...

Wow, just wow. I suddenly want to be a message therapist, thats hilarious. :P

the regular said...

Hey CJ.
That has to be the best post ever. And I have read your blog in it's entirety.
Maybe you should become a writer.

cj said...

That's more or less how it went down. What I found so surprising about it was just how candid I got and specific he got. And I NEVER discuss options at the front desk. I was just too caught up in the Christmas spirit I guess...

Funny you should ask that. In this guy's truck, he had a small flat screen TV which he was gonna use to show product demos in one of his booths. I told him I'd be willing to barter for that.

Well, that TV was basically HIS blowjob - in that he wasn't going to give it up either. I would have definitely offered a facial for that, but the negotiations never quite got that far.


Anonymous said...

That's what I call taking it out in trade!

Nikolai said...

Wow, you really took that guy--nice job!

cj said...

Almost forgot...

Yes, I did cover the guys door fee. Even though Maude wasn't there, I still booked him as a regular customer and paid the fee in cash. That's because there was a chance that Maude might have shown up while I was in session and noticed I hadn't booked anyone. Also, Maude and Audrey have other ways of keeping track of how many customers we have during the day.


Henpecked said...

Do you know my wife? She trades sex for stuff I buy too.

ray said...

I love the way you write. It's super easy to picture. I see you writing a book (subject up for debate) in the near future.

Anonymous said...


I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago and I want you to know that I absolutely love it! While certainly not a frequent visitor of businesses such as yours, I admit to having enjoyed the occasional HE. However, reading about your line of work isn't what keeps me reading your's YOUR WRITING! I'm sure you must have had a teacher or two who told you that you were a talented writer, but if you didn't, then I'll tell you: You're a talented writer! Keep up the great work, and remember this: You've got a lot of fans who would stand in line to buy your first book!
Best to you-

Nio said...

Ok that was awesome and hilarious to read. Thanks for that!

Anonymous said...

Very funny, but you're really goingto give kids gifts you bought basically tittyfucking a stranger and letting him cum on your face for?


Look, im basically and usually on your side but if youre not being a bit hyperbolic about this, you might want to have a serious think about from another perspective...coz yeah, it's kinda weird

Anonymous said...

Great post CJ! I'll go one better on the book idea -- you should turn this blog into a TV series. It would be hilarious!

Saw this tee shirt and thought of you:

Continuous But Plural said...

Oh my god, that is really really awesome! And strange. And convenient for you.

cj said...

Lowest common denominator - right? LOL

Ray and Anon,
Thanks for the encouragement. I really should compile all this crap in an easier to read format.

You misread - we didn't do a facial. The negotiations never got that far.

But I don't get why you have a problem with the barter system. Basically we just eliminated the middle man - cash. Unless there's some misunderstanding on where all my income comes from; it's pretty much entirely handjob-based. I also buy my groceries with money from handjobs - does that weird you out too?

A TV show would be funny, except that you couldn't show any of the actual wacky stuff. It would just be a big tease!


Nikolai said...

This makes me wonder--are there any places where women can get happy endings from other women out there? I would have to assume so (the wifey wants to try this).

Anonymous said...

Hiya CJ!

Long time lurker, read all of your posts, lol, and thought that I'd have to share this with you:

Would make a wonderful Christmas gift, no?

Anyways, I'll probably never resurface after this, lol. Very enjoyable blog, thanks for sharing your thoughts these three years, and I hope you continue!


Anonymous said...

Definitely no TV show.

"(Bleep) My Dad Says" goes to show that funny internet things cannot be censored too much without them being ruined.

Anonymous said...

CJ and Anon:
If it was a cable show, maybe Showtime or Sundance, you could show things and it would be frikkin' HILARIOUS.

Tom Moran said...

And you wonder why I love you so much. ;)

christy said...

This is a prety excellent freak of the week. LOVE this blog.

Thu said...

I'm sure Showtime could find a time slot between Weeds and US of Tera for Happyendingz! and they could show EVERYTHING!!!