Monday, July 21, 2008


It took me about 2 years of giving hand releases before I even touched a customers balls. Heck – back then I didn’t even like touching the ones on my boyfriend. Looking back I can’t figure out why, but I imagine I thought they were just gross.

Now this was back in the days when I was still the One-Handed-Tug Queen. Then one day I was complaining to one of the girls about how I was getting tired of guys that really had to be worked hard. She asked me some questions and finally suggested I must be doing it wrong!

Wrong? What could I possibly be screwing up with the most simple and basic form of masculine stimulation?

1 – Grab
2 – Up
3 – Down
4 – Repeat 2-3 as necessary

She said, “No no no…you gotta stroke their balls.”

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! Some guys ask me to do that, and I think that’s just gross.” I protested. Really – there’s not much about balls to be attracted to. They look funny and sometimes smell (Come on guys – you wipe AWAY from the balls, not towards. Get a clue).

“Yeah it’s gross. You don’t have to do it with every guy, but the next time you have a problem customer, just reach over with your free hand and start stroking his balls. He’ll cum in 2 seconds.”

WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME THIS SOONER? Hell – even McDonalds has training videos.

I have to tell you, from that point on my job got waaaaaaaaaay easier. And it saved my arm from tennis elbow! Not only did it help with the problem guys, but I quickly discovered that if I used it with ALL my customers, I could cut my happy ending time in half! Suddenly balls became a girls best friend. From that day forward, I started going straight for them when it was time.

Ironically, it backfired on me. I backed off on the ball stroking thing after a while because it was working TOO well. Some guys complained that I was cutting their time by making them cum too quickly. Well excuse me! Then I also realized that by shortening the happy ending, I had to make it up with massage time. So after much trial and error I eventually settled on a happy medium.

1) Grab
2) Up
3) Down
4) Repeat as necessary, else…
5) Grab balls
6) Repeat 2-3 as neccesary

Now guys felt like they were getting their money’s worth in the happy ending, and I was saving my elbow for my future career as a tennis star.

Balls were perhaps my biggest breakthrough in my hand release technique. As time went by I picked up other “aces” I could play such as dirty talk, the booby bounce, and my favorite – the ass grab. When a guy needs that extra bit of uuuumph to finish, asking him to grab my ass is pretty much a sure thing.

There ought to be some sort of training materials for this stuff. Perhaps an “Erotic Massage for Dummies” book. Maybe I’ll start working on that this weekend. Yeah right.



Anonymous said...

even McD has training!

mnwhr said...

I never imagined guys would feel they didn't get their moneys worth when they got the happy ending. I think i'm too naive.

Anonymous said...

I think an "erotic massage for dummies" book would be a huge seller...

Em jay peeee said...

Will that be a picture book?

C'mon CJ - give us something besides your profile shot.

Anonymous said...

I think pictures would put it at the top of the best sellers list.

Henrietta Hussy said...

I am always scared to touch a guys balls because I dont know how they are going to react.

you should write a coffee table book and call it hand jobs for dummies or something clever like that.

cj said...


Pretty much all guys love it and will never object. Just start off gentle and go from there.

Now I think you guys are onto something - "The Idiots Guide to Happy Endings" or "Handjobs for Dummies." Forward by Ron Jeremy!