Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Babies and Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases

I have to tell you the funniest story. Yesterday I visited a friend of mine in the hospital who just had a baby. He was a little small, but still all right. My friend (we’ll call her Theresa) got knocked up by this asshole guy she’s been seeing for almost a year now.

What makes him an asshole did you ask? Well let me explain – I call him an asshole since he messed around with another woman while with Theresa (8 months ago to be exact). Ya see where this is going?

Anyway, he knocked up this other woman (let’s just call her the Slut), but she wasn’t due for another month. Well, I guess she got wind of when Theresa was due, because she was in the hospital at the EXACT SAME TIME. Turns out that when she learned Theresa had gone into labor, she started punching herself in the stomach and doing whatever else needed to go into premature labor.

The Slut ended up on the same floor, but luckily on the other end of the hall from us. The father actually wore TWO wrist bands indicating he was a double daddy! And he had noooooooo trouble walking back and forth between the 2 rooms all night. In fact, you could say he was damn proud of himself.

I found out that the doctors and nurses on the floor had a pool going as to who was going to deliver first – mamma A or mamma B. Turns out that Theresa delivered first by 1 whole hour. I know that none of this has anything to do with erotic massage, but I just had to share this story. But don’t worry, I’ll talk about work soon enough.

For those of you who are really upset that I’ve gone off topic, let’s just pretend that while I was in the hospital I gave a handjob to an intern in exchange for a box of alcohol wipes. There – is that
better?

CJ

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

ROFL. Great Post, no worries about going off topic! Wow..

Catherine said...

Another great blog! Congratulations to you mate on her baby and commiserations about it's father.

Anonymous said...

It's your blog and you can go off topic anytime you want to.

AJ

P.S. - I hope you didn't mean to call one of these 2 babies a STD with the title of your post. I would find that a little offensive.

Mrs. Hall said...

What makes a blog better is the personal details.

After all, there are only so many stories on can tell about one's work.

I enjoy your blog and have blogrolled you!!!

:)

Mrs. Hall

justaguy said...

i have just recently started reading your blog. i am hooked! i want your job ;)

Jack said...

It didn't strike me as offensive, but I probably wouldn't be reading a blog on handjobs if I were prone to taking offense. It seems nicer than the way I usually respond when someone shows me her new baby: "Wow, that's one funny looking baby. Do you have any idea who the father might be?"

J.

melanie said...

i thought that the title was really clever and will totally be appropriating it! crazy fucking story though!

Anonymous said...

I thought the story was funny too. But to call a baby, who can't defend itself, a sexually transmitted disease is just plain mean and tasteless. I have no problem with calling the father an asshole or the mother a slut. This ia a baby we're talking about, who did nothing wrong. Let's not start calling it names because of what it's parents did.

AJ

Anonymous said...

A box of alcohol wipes? Come on, if you're gonna give a handjob in a hospital, at least get a half bottle of Vicodin for your troubles! :)

cj said...

Hey guys,

Let me be the first to say that I love babies. No one loves babies more than me. It was just a bad joke.

CJ

Harv said...

lol dont worry CJ at least i agree, babies are the worst STD of them all haha.

Keep up the blog im loving it :D