Thursday, August 28, 2008

Freak of the Week - The Dead Guy

I had this 1 customer today who’ll probably never come back. But it’s not my fault this time – I swear. I think he’s gone out of shear embarrassment. Let me explain…

I got this really old guy today, looked like he was in his 70’s. I usually don’t mind the older guys since they tend to be really sweet and chatty. What I can’t stand are the proverbial “Dirty Old Men.” Let me tell ya – there’s nothing cute about an old wrinkly guy calling you a “whore” and trying to pinch and grab your ass all session. Don’t even let me get started!

Luckily this guy was one of the nice ones. Now it was during the hand release that he leans his head way back and opens his mouth wide as he’s moaning. Just at that exact moment, he shoots a single load of jizz that flies straight up – and then down into his open mouth. Suddenly he stops enjoying his orgasm and starts gagging! I let go of his penis and helped him sit up. He kept coughing and wheezing for like 5 minutes! I didn’t know what to do so I just sort of patted him on the back. I don’t think the Heimlich maneuver applies to semen.

Anyways, after what seemed like forever he eventually settled down and started breathing regularly. I asked him what his obituary should say if he dies choking on semen in a massage parlor. He laughed and said at least it was his own semen and not someone else’s.

Now I told you that story to tell you this one. This guy is not this weeks “Freak of the Week.” But he reminded me of one of my first customers from the good old days. Before you read on, just remember that I was young and naïve back in those days. Not the hard, callous bitch you know me as now!

This story occurred during my first year in the Business. Gus (as we’ll call him) was one of my first old guys, so I still didn’t know what to expect. Anyways, we had a relatively normal session, but when Gus was right in the middle of his happy ending, he starts choking. And I mean a real bad choke – like a seizure. His body went totally stiff and then he stops breathing. His face turned beet red and his eyes squeezed shut. Then after about 10 seconds frozen like this, he totally collapsed on my table!

So there I was – a very young high school graduate, standing there naked in a dark room in front of an old, lifeless body. I poked him a few times, “Hey Gus, you all right?” Nothing. I shook him good, “Hello! Wake up!” Still nothing. Picked up his arm and it fell like a brick.

Shit! He’s dead!!!! Fuck!!! Shit!!! Holy shit!!!! Fuck fuck fuck!!!

To say I panicked is an understatement. They never covered dead people in massage school! So I did what any trained and licensed professional would do. I decided to dispose of the evidence. I cleaned him up as best I could with a towel. Then I started putting his clothes back on. Have you ever tried dressing someone who was passed out? It’s like that, only 10 times worse since you have to deal with the fact that you’re touching a dead guy.

I threw my own clothes back on, then I opened the door and yelled for my coworker – Summer. She was a seasoned veteran and one of the first friends I made in this business, so I knew I could trust her to know what to do. Summer came running over and took 1 look at Gus.

“Why is he wearing his clothes?”

“Uh… Because he’s dead?”



So after we both had a good scream, I consulted with my colleague over what we should do with our former customer. As an expert in her chosen profession, Summer knew exactly what to do in this situation.

We have to get him in the dumpster.”

I concurred and added that the Business would be closing early that night. So here we were – two 110 pound girls trying to figure out how to get this poorly dressed 200 pound dead guy off the table and moved 200 feet across a crowded parking lot and into the dumpster. She wanted nothing to do with touching a dead guy, so we decided to first wrap him in the table sheet. That way we don’t have to touch or even look at him.

We cocoon poor Gus in the white sheet he passed away on. To get him down, we each took an end of the sheet and started pulling with all our might to edge him off the table. Summer was stronger than me, so she managed to lower him off the table head first. I had trouble with my end so his legs were kinda still hanging off the table edge while his head was on the floor. This was the position in which Gus decided to wake up.

He gave a very load croaking sound, like he was snoring and choking at the same time. Needless to say, both Summer and I jumped out of our skins. Summer dropped his head on the ground and I let go of his feet. Gus kinda collapsed in a heap on the floor. He opened his eyes and looked at us, then down at his rumpled clothes and the bed sheet wrapped around him.

“What the hell…?” He looked at Summer, “Who are you? And why am I on the floor? And what’s this sheet?”

Gus had narcolepsy. Turns out this isn’t the first time he’s passed out and woken up in a weird way. So Summer and I told him the whole Gawd’s honest truth about how we decided (for his own personal safety) to dress him and lower him from the table to better accommodate someone in his delicate condition. Luckily for us, he seemed to buy that story, and we all ended up having a good laugh about it later – especially Summer since she promised Gus I’d give him a free session.



TomboCheck said...

OMFG, hilarious!!! At least he didn't wake up in the dumpster outside your building. He might have become suspicious about you guys if that had happened. :)

Father Bob said...

you're a heartless c... er, bitch!

Anonymous said...

Pesonally, I'd have checked his respiration and pulse before "declaring him dead", but that's just me.

They say you know who your true friends are when you need help disposing of a dead body.

Thanks, I needed a good laugh today.


Harv said...

lol great story, i think you have now become my no1 most entertaining blog ;)

AR said...

dude, that was the funniest post by far. had me rollin!!

good shit CJ!!

Anonymous said...

That was, by far, the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

Thanks CJ!


malette said...

Hell, I'm impressed with the old guy who could hit ANY part of his body with the money shot other than a dribble down your knuckles.

You know, a guy with narcolepsy has a responsibility to tell someone he might pass out and not to worry. That was not cool on HIS part.

Two great stories. Thanks!

cj said...

Dude, you'd be surprised of what old guys are packing and what they're capable of.


Unbroken said...

As terrible as this must have been, hearing you tell the story simply makes me laugh. You have no idea how many times something happens in my life, and I say to myself, “Someday you’re going to laugh about this.” I hope you can laugh now!

Reflex said...

cj - Been enjoying reading your blog, it actually clears up what the heck is going on with the massage parlor down the street, I noticed they were open past midnight and was thinking 'wtf?'. So, thanks for clearing that up.

Wanted to make a couple observations if thats alright, but before I do please keep in mind I'm not a moralizer about this, while I'd never pay for sexual services myself(seriously, they are pretty easy to get for free IMO) I am a libertarian in my beliefs and as such don't really have a problem with people selling such services, whether it be porn or erotic massages(I'm conflicted on prostitution, namely because its so often to feed addictions rather than a chosen career and I hate self-destruction). I have no moral issue with what you do, and am thankful that you demystified it.

That said, from a business point of view, you have made several observations about the industry that you really need to take to heart. You have noted that the economy is in the tank right now. You have noticed that commodities(such as gas prices) are rising. And you have noticed that other parlors are having no choice but to go 'full service'. These are important observations in light of the fact that people keep encouraging you to start your own massage business.

The problems as I see it are:

1) The economy is likely years away from a serious recovery, and even then as you've noticed its cyclical, you'd have a boom, but inevitably it would be followed by a bust. Like any other service industry, most fail in the first five years, and that may not be enough time to get you to the next boom, assuming that you could survive that long.

2) Rising commodity pricing will most likely reduce one of the primary sources off customers, namely travelors(truckers/traveling salesmen/insurance salesmen/etc). Even if the economy recovers, there is a new trend to start shipping by train rather than truck, to get locally produced foods(avoiding the shipping costs), etc etc. This is a fairly profound shift. I don't know just how travelor dependent you really are, but this is something to bear in mind, the days of very cheap travel are coming to an end.

3) If you open a salon you will be competing not only with your former employer as a 'non full service' parlor, but also with the fact that she secretly gives full service, both for the available talent(massage therapists) and for the same customers, which you have already acknowledged are dwindling in favor of full service salons. You'd be splitting the market for whats already a declining business, and your likely to simply push Audrey into more and more full service. Its likely that she's getting desperate, and as such her morals are slipping, I'm not trying to defend her, but at the end of the day she has to pay the rent for the office space.

I think its highly likely that you'd soon be forced into a full service situation. If you opened a business you'd be locked into a lease, if you couldn't pay the bills you'd still owe on that lease. You could end up with ruined credit, and a damaged set of standards due to what you had to do to pay those bills as long as possible. You already said your contemplating following your friend's lead and allowing your customers to go further. If your considering that now, when your obligations are negligible(ie: you could still at this point go get a typical job), imagine how much more diffficult it will become to maintain your standards when the option of simply switching careers(even if its less money) goes out the window due to business/financial obligations.

Your best object lesson about all this is Audrey herself. Your seeing her as a master manipulator and liar, but what I'm seeing is an increasingly desperate small business owner seeing all she built up slowly dying. Once again, I'm not defending how she's chosen to deal with it, she'd be far better off simply coming clean with you and Trina(the long time trusted employees) so that perhaps you can come up with a plan together. The business is worth saving in the sense that your previous employers do not sound very fun to have worked for comparatively, but instead she is being underhanded about the situation.

Honestly, after reading this blog I am most dismayed that you semi-frequently put down your intelligence. Your writing conveys anything but, and in reality the real oppurtunity you may have here is as a writer or commentator, your observations about people, life and your work are put forward very effectively and entertainingly.

I hope that is helpful, and I hope you don't feel I'm secretly sneaking in some moral statement here, I'm really not.

cj said...

Dear Reflex,

Wow – a lot of interesting points you bring up. You’re right that the Business has its ups and downs (and we are DEFINITELY in a down right now). But things are picking up, so hopefully you’ll see me bitching less about the money. We lost a lot of truckers and summer travelers, but we’re starting to see them come back now.

The chances of me stealing Trina and starting a new Business are kinda slim. I mean, it makes for a nice daydream when I’ve had a bad day, but I know the reality of starting fresh is pretty tough. Not that it may never happen – I have the scratch to start up if I wanted, but why waste my money when I’m still making a living with Audrey?

Now your last point about having an honest talk with Audrey – yeah, like that’ll happen in a million years! I am the most non-confrontational person when it comes to things like that, so I probably won’t bring it up unless she does first. In the meanwhile, be prepared to continue hearing me rant and rave about how much I hate work and my boss.

Besides, complaining about life is so much easier than doing something about it! LOL

Now what’s more likely to happen is that I’ll eventually dust off my old textbooks and get my lazy ass back to school. The problem here is that when work is slow, I have the time to study, but not the money for tuition. Then when I have the money for tuition, I’m too busy working to study! Ack!!!!


Henrietta Hussy said...

holy shit!

why wouldnt you call an ambulance!

that sounds like something out of a movie!

Anonymous said...

lmao that's quite possibly the funniest thing i've read - ever. oh my

Anonymous said...

Both stories are hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

As for the school thing, maybe it would be a good idea to set aside a school fund. If you eventually make up your mind to go to school, you'd be able to do it without working any more than necessary. If you don't go to school, you can put it to some other productive use.