Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Hangover

Last night I waaaaaay over did it. I was a really really really bad girl. After the depressing week I had, me and some of my girlfriends decided to just go out and really blow off some steam. We started off the evening innocently enough with our beers and wines; eventually shifted to cosmo's and flirtini's, and then ended the evening with shots of Jager.

Have you ever ended an evening with Jager? I think selling Jager after 11pm should be considered a form of assisted suicide and be outlawed in this state. Needless to say, I was a hurting puppy this morning.

And I had to work.

Ever have one of those hangovers where you wake up and the room is still spinning? Then you realize that you're actually still slightly drunk? It was like that. I staggered into the bathroom only to discover that those horrible dreams I had about throwing up in, out, around and all over the toilet were in fact not dreams.

I forced myself to take a shower, but even afterwards I still looked like Death warmed over. It was so bad that I actually put makeup on. I NEVER wear makeup to work. Then I just threw on sweats and a hoodie (fuck Audrey if she complains) and poured myself into the car.

The extra strong coffee at Burger King with greasy breakfast sandwich didn't help things either. By the time I got to work, I was ready to just curl up and die. That's when I got the message on the answering machine that Audrey wasn't coming in.

The good news was that she wouldn't see me in this state. The bad news was that I was on my own and couldn't pawn off the first customer on someone else while I slept this hangover off in the back.

Luckily, my first customer of the day was a Regular I really like. We'll call him Mark - A nice middle age guy who takes the occasional mutual and never asks for anything weird. I was like "Thank Gawd it's you. I don't think I could have handled a therapeutic this morning!"

Mark was being understanding so I told him "Look - do you mind if you just do me today? I just want to lie here and not move." Yes I actually said that. Looking back today, that was pretty shitty of me to do that to him. So I got undressed (with much effort) and crawled (with much more effort) onto the table and let Mark massage me.

I swear to Gawd that was the best massage ever. That man should be freakin' sainted for what he did. I just lied there on my stomach and Mark gave me an absolutely wonderful massage. Even did my feet. He only paid for a 30 minute session, but I totally ingored the clock since it was ME on the table (benefit of the job).

He asked if I wanted to flip over, but I was totally limp at that point and didn't want to move. So I told him to just keep going. He did my back a second time, but when he finished he asked what I wanted to do about the happy ending. Oh crap, I thought that would require movement on my part.

Or would it...?

"Mark - you did such a great job I really don't want to move. Can you think of something that doesn't require me to do anything?"

Let me just stop right here and say that I am normally not such a bad masseuse and this story does not reflect my professional work ethics. I was in such a bad way, and I DID manage to drag my hungover ass to work. So at least give me credit for that.

Mark is not an adventurous guy, so he didn't know what to do. I told him he could do an ass release if he wanted. THAT wouldn't require me to even use my hands! Unfortunately, he's not exactly a very physical kind of guy so the idea of dry humping me on the table didn't appeal to him.

I thought of a compromise and told him to grab a bottle of oil and come over to the front of the table. He took a bottle from the warmer and stood in front of me. I was still on my stomach and my head was turned to the side with both arms up over my head. I opened my left hand and told him to oil it up real good. He squeezed some warm oil over my open palm. I squished it around in my fist a few times then I placed my hand at the edge of the table.

"Give me your dick" I ordered. Mark looked confused, but he stepped up to the table and put his slightly limp penis in my left hand. I closed my hand gently on him and then worked the oil onto the shaft. When he started to get hard, I just wrapped my fingers around his prick and said "Fuck my hand."

He seemed happy enough to obey, so he started to go at it right there. Luckily the height of the table was more or less good for him to stand and just move back and forth - pumping my fist with his cock. My head was turned to the side so I had a nice ring side seat to the action.

Now I've said it before and I'll say it again - I enjoy watching a cock shooting cum. It's just proof of a job well done. Well, Mark was no exception. So when he came, I just made sure I aimed him just right so he shot his load right in front of my nose, and on to my left shoulder. It puddled nicely on the table.

Mark almost fell over. He said he can't remember the last time he came while standing up. I'm glad I was there to help expand his horizons!

After he left, I collapsed in front of the TV in back and slept for about an hour. I was woken up by the phone, but at least I felt slightly better. Luckily I didn't have another customer till later in the day - when I had sobered up a bit.

So there you have it - confessions of the worlds laziest masseuse. Please don't judge me!



Wack said...

Wow CJ,
I hope that you at least didnt charge him full price. You could make it another option. "Massuse Massage + Assisted Hand Release - $100"

Call it the "Lazy Day Special"


Teri said...

That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I have totally been there - kudos to you for not only showing up to work but also putting on make-up! And I for one hope you charged full price. After all, where else is this middle-aged guy guy going to be able to touch a hot, naked chick?

Wack said...

@Teri -
Since you put it that way....


Anonymous said...

Could you find a way to jam more cliches and tired phrases into your posts? Thanks.

almendranz said...

oh man i'll never forget one morning after my birthday when i had to open up the gym i was working at. had been enjoying some weed and doing irish car bombs the night before and forgot to change my clothes. ended up working the front desk basically still drunk and smelling faintly like vomit. the boss came by and gave me a hug cuz it was my birthday. i'm sure she knew but was forgiving enough to let it go.

i'm sure your regular got his money's worth massaging you. I get a lot of therapeutic pleasure out of massaging others, and plus, the dude got to cum. nothing to complain about there!!

Anonymous said...

what is an ass release?

Anonymous said...

hypothetical situation: what if a friend of your's boyfriend/husband comes in to the parlour? would you jerk him off?
hypothetical situation #2: if you bring a guy home and you're too tired to bang do you use your work skills to settle him down?

Anonymous said...

Hi CJ....
Great story! I would love to massage your aches away. Are you planning to be at work on Friday?


Anonymous said...

I'll bet you lost a regular with that stunt.

Jean Teasdale said...

Remember: Beer before liquor, never been sicker....

Continuous But Plural said...

It's probably difficult for you to ever call out with how few people are working there.

Hey, you've never mentioned that new girl from summertime since first posting about her. Is she still with you 3 original ladies?

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes, I'm reading out of sequence and this is another VERY unprofessional session! "Don't judge"? You gots to be kiddin', right? Andy got you while on the phone with your sister for a whole session, Ed got you hung over, and now this? I'll just lay there like a corpse and you can just fuck my ass? Wow.

I like the usual rationalization, too (from you and your fawning readers): the customer got off, he probably enjoys giving massages anyway, he got to look at a hot, naked chick, etc.
It's like a restaurant owner saying that the cook was too fucked-up to come to work, so why don't patrons just come to the kitchen and grab something from the fridge instead (hey, that's food all the same!). Ridiculous.

Look, I'm unloading on you because:

1. Unlike the fascinated newbies reading you, who only dream of getting extras and get off on descriptions of drunk handjobs and necrophiliac sessions, I'm a hobbyist who's seen many providers of various persuasions, and know better than to think that what you did is OK. I would've laughed it off, personally, but YOU should really get off your high horse because:

2. You have repeatedly put down and criticized other sex workers, when you haven't called for their boycott, harrassment or even reports to the cops.
Your "sisters" are supposedly all filthy, drugged-up, rip-off skanks and slaves that people should shun to "buy American", at a professional, almost-legit (lol) parlor.

Well, what kind of service did all those guys (regulars!) get from that perfect pro? What kind of discount did they get? Just a reality check.
So nothing against you and masseuses like you, but I'll stick to those hard working and business-like Koreans, if you don't mind, and would appreciate if the unfair and uncalled-for AMP-bashing would stop.
Now the Chinese are notorious for phone use in jack shacks, but they're a lot cheaper than you, and don't blog to talk shit about other providers.