Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Confessions of the World's Luckiest Prostitute

OK guys, you've found me out. In light of recent comments I've decided that I can't lie to you anymore, and I've decided to come clean.

I am in fact the worlds luckiest prostitute.

So now that I have nothing to hide anymore, I've decided to share with you guys the Gawds honest truth about what REALLY goes on around here. Here goes...

This morning I came to work about an hour late. There were already a couple of guys waiting outside, but I decided to sit down to an hour of TV just so I could relax and enjoy my coffee in peace. After an hour of news, sports, and weather, I opened up the front door and let in the guy with the most expensive car. The others I told to come back when they could afford something manufactured during a year that begins with a "2."

"Richard" owns his own bank, and stops by once a month to dump what he calls "tarp" money on me (I don't know - it looks like normal money to me). He asks for a mutual massage, but I tell him I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so would he mind just massaging me? He ends up doing a very nice job, and I make him spend extra time on my feet. When he's finished and ready for his happy ending, I tell him that I just did my nails and would he mind taking care of himself?

I left the room so he could finish his own happy ending without me distracting him, pausing just long enough to grab the pile of bills he left for me. As I'm counting my money, I thank Gawd for giving me a vagina and a sense of entitlement.

Richard only killed 15 minutes of my day, so I settle in for some SERIOUS TV watching. As Oprah comes on, I turn the phone off and lock the front door. As I'm closing the front shades, I tell the 3 guys standing outside to go jerk off in their cars and just leave the money under the door.

3 hours later and I'm ready for lunch! Sitting down really makes you hungry. So as I'm walking out the front door, I bump into "Fred" - a rather nice mortgage broker who used to fly in by helicopter before the economy tanked. Now he takes the limo like everyone else.

Fred asks if we can do a quick session, but I really can't give a proper handjob without lobster in my stomach. He looks really disappointed and is about to leave when I ask him if he has masturbated lately.

He looked confused and then admitted to whacking it about twice a week since our last session. I then convinced him that since I have a vagina, he's technically been taking work away from me each time he jerks off. And since that's money that should have gone to me, he therefore owes me a cut of each of those whack jobs. At first, he has trouble seeing the logic in this, but since I have enormous breasts he eventually agrees to pay me ten bucks for each time he jacked off since his last visit.

I happily thank him as he empties his wallet, then I give him a hug - as a token of my affection. Hey, I can't let him go home empty handed now could I? That's called good customer service. But now he has no money for another session, so I tell him to come back after he finds an ATM.

With that extra wad of cash, I decided to go for a nice sit down lunch downtown - where I can watch all the poor working stiffs going back and forth between their "jobs." As I'm downing my 3rd glass of port, I almost feel sorry for men and their penises - having to make up for their lack of a vagina with 4 years of college. Suckers.

I thank Jesus for not giving me a penis nor any discernable math skills. I'm so lucky that it's a woman's world and we get to make up all the rules, else I might actually have to work for a living. I think of how lucky my sister crack-whores are... men can't even drive past them on the street without offering them money! Now that's what I call respect. And here I am having to drive to work everyday...

After my 2 hour lunch, I start to miss the comfort of a warm television, so I head back to work. There are 4 guys standing out front when I arrive, but they can wait because now it's time to catch up on my Stories! I find the spot on the couch that has my ass imprint and settle in for 4 hour of soap operas. The phone rings more times than I care to remember. I consider changing the answering machine message to tell guys to just mail the money in, but realize I have to move to do it.

My mind starts to wander after 4 hours of TV, which is the price you pay for being so intellectual. I remember that the rent is due next week, so I better end the day with another customer. I praise Jesus for all my lady parts which entitle me to free money and television. Then I praise Baby Jesus for making men work so hard to give us money and television.

I make my way to the front door and see 6 men standing in line to get in. I open the door and greet their eager faces. I'm feeling generous so I yell "Ok, who here has more than 6 years of college?" Five dejected faces look down. "You there, the skinny one - you win the lottery. Let's go. The rest of you Johnny Punchclocks - go back to school."

My last customer of the day is "Andy." He's a doctor. With 8 years of school, he's either really envious of my vagina, or he's making up for a very small penis. But I figure that since he went to school for sooooooo long in order to afford my attention, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

We get into session and... it's the latter. Sorry Albert. I explain to him my pricing and options. Since he's on a budget, he opts for the disinterested handjob while I daydream about Oprah. There's a slight chill in the room, so I tell him if it's all the same I'm just going to leave all my clothes on. He begins to protest that he paid for a nude massage, but I inform him he should have thought about that before the room got chilly.

Halfway through the massage I take a phone call from my boyfriend. "Oh nothing dear... I'm just in the middle of tapping the ATM for spending money." After a half hour of other romantic exchanges, I turn my attention back to Albert who's fallen asleep.

"Wake up Al. You're done."

He looks confused. "What happened?" he manages.

"I sucked your dick and swallowed your manly load. You're a stud. Now get up and get outta here."

Albert dresses and I walk him to the door. "Did I enjoy it?" he asks.

"Oh Albert - you loved it. Thrashed around and everything." I give him a big hug. I figure it's the least I could do for paying my rent for 2 months. "Keep studying!" I call out to him as he makes his way to the parking lot.

My day is now over. I figure I can squeeze in a couple more hours of TV watching before I head home to watch more TV.

And that my friends is my REAL typical day. I'm sorry that I lied to you guys for 2 years now, but I didn't think anyone would care to hear about how truly lucky I am to have a vagina.



HighOnPoker said...

Very funny post. Don't let the haters and naysayers get to you. SirFWalGMan is right. You are not fully a blogger until the haters come out of the woodword and attack you with baseless bullshit.

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant, and you rule.

DrChako said...

As the 3rd and final member of Team Waffles (High on Poker and SirFWalGMan are the other two) I felt it necessary to add my comment.

Amidst the funny writing in this post, I can also hear a little frustration creeping in. I hope it was your way of blowing off steam before you get back to the good stuff. It would be a terrible shame if a couple morons with too much time on their hands caused you to stop posting.


SWfan1963 said...

I hope your jab back at those haters felt good for you - they certainly deserved it, the fucking bastards. It was certainly very funny. We love you CJ - keep up the good work and the excellent blogging!

jael said...

what everyone else has said. They're sad, sad men - haters and fools. You're awesome. And obviously smart and hard working. Love you mucho! :)

RIV said...

I FINALLY get around to reading your blog and this is the first thing that jumps out. LOL.

"Women are the weaker sex."

Yeah, whatever.

Funny stuff!

Anonymous said...

CJ, ignore the assholes, especially Travis, he probably has a small penis. lol That's why he's so bitter.

Anonymous said...

Too funny!

Anonymous said...

Based on this post, I probably owe you some money. Is there an address that I can send it to? Just kidding - great post.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

there were a lot of hostile comments on the last thread, but,

you make $80/Hr doing a job that allows you flexible hours and
no real requirement for a degree.

You are very hot, and you have big boobs. That's lucky. Lots of women are kind of dowdy, and with horse faces. They can't do this.

Most people work 20 years to get up to that kind of income, so, yeah,
it seems like luck. In reality, it's a tough job handling strange guys penises. Lets be real if the
job was that easy, all women would do this. Heck most wives don't like handling their husbands genitals.

now that said, CJ, you can't be doing this in 10 years. You need to be grinding away getting some skills and prepping for your next career.

Little Red said...

At first my heart sank, because for a split second I thought you were serious about being a prostitute, lol. Then I read what you wrote, lol. Nice job girl!

Boo-Yah said...


1. Nice bit of prose. It was a good example of the acerbic wit that characterizes your best posts.

2. That said, it's a shame you posted it. It shows that the hate got to you, and I'm betting that will be like blood in the water for some of these guys. My gut says you should have just ignored it and acted like it didn't bother you. We'll see.

3. In response to the ridiculous assertion of some that a vagina somehow makes life easy, you've now twice hinted at the notion that a penis does the same. Obviously, many in our society feel that way, but it sounds like just as much pitiful excuse making as the original absurdity.

Lana said...

It is easy to anonymously post judging comments based on one's own preconceived notions. So what? It's your blog, and I bet it feels like your baby. DO what you like with it and people will comment, one way or the other. Doesn't matter.

I liked what I have read so far, going back a ways into the archives. I am not a fan of this particular post in the long term, but it clearly vented some steam for you. But hey, that is just my opinion. And only my opinion. It has as much weight as you decide it does.

Anonymous said...

CJ, You are the Best! Too funny!!
Happy Holidays!!!

Anonymous said...

Awesome. And my check is in the mail, gf was finishing her degree for the past nine months in another state, so I owe you a ton of money. Hope you can take installments...

Anonymous said...

Finally!!! It's about freaking time!

The most honest post you've ever written/typed!

Anonymous said...

This morning I came to work about an hour late. There were already a couple of guys waiting outside, but I decided to sit down to an hour of TV just so I could relax and enjoy my coffee in peace. After an hour of news, sports, and weather, I opened up the front door and let in the guy with the most expensive car.

Nothing could be more spot on.

Little Red said...

Hey CJ, maybe someone has said this before, but I'll say it now...have you ever thought about being a writer? You totally have a knack for it. I honestly think you could do it, even if it was just for a magazine. Or as of this post, I don't doubt you could do some fun fiction...just a thought :)

Mike... said...

"You should have thought about that before the room got chilly"...

I love that line!

Riggstad said...

Brilliant! And the Doc forgot about the original and 1st member of team Riggs! (Waffles is just a follower!)

Have a great Holiday CJ!

Joker_SATX said...

Oooooh, I love this place. Not only is there good reading but a cup of Sarcasm served daily!

Merry Christmas CJ!

Holly said...

You are lucky, you know... lucky to be as clever and resilient as you are.

As the other commenters have said, an asshole cluster-attack is a rite of blog passage, and kudos on telling the assholes how ridiculous they are. I laughed.

Teri said...

HAAAA! Excellent, CJ! Laughing my ass off at work is a perfect way to start the day.

I don't know where the idea comes from that jacking off a 300-pound trucker is luck. You have to earn every penny of that, and there's no way that should be cheap! Blerg! You're a better woman than I, CJ, bringing release to the fat, smelly and psychotic.

And if you're only making $80/hour for all that, you should raise your rates!

Anonymous said...

CJ, you should ignore the haters. Spend more time with the people who love you and care about you instead. There's no need to respond to the haters.

em jay peeeee said...

Developing a nicely sized contingent of haters on your blog means that you've arrived! Now your blog is legit...

Normal people tend to avoid things that they dislike or disagree with. Internet weirdos seek these things out and waste valuable time and energy interacting with them. Don't let them get to you.

Anonymous said...

The commenters are easy....one of your few posts I found uninteresting and kind of dopey. Satire is not your strong suit.

Anonymous said...

Ignore the haters and tell us a christmas story

Anonymous said...

She's one lucky whore!

Just Visiting said...

YOU'RE A WHORE said...
Fuck this bitch. I've alerted police to the website.

THAT would make an intersting call:

"Hello, Police Department? I want to report a fucking whore!

"...What? Oh, I think she works in PA. Yeah, the state... Hey, don't get pissy with me!

"What do you mean 'how do I know'? I read her website!

"...Why was I checking out a rub-n-tug site?...."

Just Visiting said...

Merry Christmas, CJ :)

It's unfortunate how anxious some are to so-harshly judge your choices. I can't help but wonder, though, what searches led them to your blog.

I'm guessing the language they use here isn't used when they go to church. I'm also guessing that their mothers don't know about, nor would they approve of, their web-surfing habits.

The point is, some people aren't worth listening to.

Happy Holidays, all :)

Holly said...

I like how "YOU'RE A WHORE" was looking up sex-worker blogs on Christmas just to tell them off for being sex-worker blogs. Clearly someone of great worth and moral clarity.

(Actually I think it's all the same dude. I have no idea what's up his ass that makes him keep coming back like that.)

Rex Venom said...

We all have our gifts!
Rock on!

Anonymous said...

Remember a while back when you asked us all for suggestions about what we wanted you to discuss? How high up the list did "flame war with one or two disgruntled readers" go?

cj said...

I'm sure a few of you out there want me to say something on all the naysayers commenting over the last couple of weeks.

Well, I could do the obvious thing and make some small penis jokes, but like I've said before - I like to take these opportunities to correct any ignorant comments and educate you guys.

I've seen this kind of customer before (the woman-haters) and I won't have anything to do with them. I think I did a Freak of the Week a while ago about one that sees Trina. Well, I have no patience for anyone like that because sometimes the money just isn't worth it.

I hate to say it, but I really feel sorry for these guys becuase they are damaged goods. Some woman in their life, a spouse or their mom, did them wrong and now they take it out on all women. All I can say is, go seek some therapy because I'm not your mom.

Occasionally, guys get that way because they're deep in the closet and take out all their frustrations on women because they secretly wish they were one. Let me tell ya - you haven't had a weird day at work until you've thrown out an effiminate man who's been screaming at you in a high-pitched voice that he's "a man" and you're "just a girl."

That kind of shit doesn't happen at Walmart. Well, maybe it does but under other circumstances.
In any case, it's not like I haven't seen this before and won't see it again.


RIV said...

You're a cunt, Dude.
You need to get out more.

Anonymous said...

OK...I must admit....f888ing ters were rolling down my face as I read..'go jerk off in your cars and slide the money under the door'....thats just funny...damn

Anonymous said...

CJ, this blog entry is the real you and it shows the hate/dislike you have towards men which is common among older sex workers after a long career in the business.

Yea, you're right, a vagina makes your life easy, but what women fail to understand is that it only makes life easy for the first 30 years of your life (and possibly longer if you planed your life well, or married the right man), because after that, your looks fade and you will not be able to command the same attention as you once did even though you have a vagina. Older women simply can't compete with a young woman who has no sexual history/no kids which is what guys are looking for when they want to settle down.

At the same time, guys in their 30's will just be hitting their stride with the added benefit of more status and respect as they get older.

Another thing about this post is that it pretty much represents the general attitude of American women where as you all overvalue yourselves and become cocky because so many manginas throw money and themselves at you.

If anything CJ, you should be grateful that you can make such a good living without even having actual sex because if you lived in Bangkok Thailand, or prostitution was legal state wide in this country, you would be lucky to get 20 dollars for your most expensive "relief package" that you offer.

zeot said...

Amazing Post... You truly do Rule.

In Toronto theres a radio station called the Edge.

In this situation they would give you a 3 clap.

"Clap, clap, clap"