Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Pimp-n-Ho Economic Indicator

I told you guys I had a funny story about pimps and drug dealers. Well, it occurred to me the other day when I was talking about how they make lousy clients. And they're lousy for a couple of reasons (other than the fact that they draw too much attention to a business). We get our share of P's and D's (Pimp's and Dealer's) in here because face it - who else has more disposable income? And that's why I think they make a great economic indicator.

I've talked about the Erotic Massage Indicator, and the Handyman Indicator - we're the first one's to know when things go bad because we rely so heavily on disposable income. But when times are bad, you can always count on the P's and D's because they always seem to have money, and in some cases even MORE money. So now I would like to introduce CJ's "Pimp-n-Ho Indicator."

Take for example a cousin of mine. "Benjy" runs his own custom car stereo place. I'm talking the top-of-the-line stuff, not your $200 Sony radio with cassette player. He specializes in the extreme, 27 speaker, 50 gigawatt, 12 LCD screen, mobile disco on wheels. His work has been featured in car magazines and TV shows. And it's NOT cheap. He once offered to pimp my ride, but when he mentioned price my left hand cramped up at the equivalent number of handjobs I'd need to cover it. That's the level we're talking here.

Anyway, not too long ago he was doing a great business. But back then it was professional athletes, young dot-com millionaires, or guys doing well in real estate. He tells me now that he barely scrapes together enough money for rent by relying on business from P's and D's. They're mostly guys from the city looking towards the burbs for either a bargain, or just something different.

I'm not fond of their business either because one way or another, they're always trying to recruit you. And they're very pushy because that's just the way they do business. So I just assumed that Benjy hates them for the same reasons. Turns out that's not the case. Benjy just hates them because they're cheap, greedy, self-centered assholes. Let me explain...

When you're working with high-end stuff, whether it's stereo equipment, custom cars, fancy speedboats, etc., your business relies on reputation and word-of-mouth. I guess rich guys don't exactly reach for the yellow pages when they want to pimp out the Bentley. Instead, they see something they like at trade shows, magazines, or their rich neighbors driveway, and then just ask where they got it.

Apparently in the social sphere of Pimps and Dealers, this is considered a serious breach of etiquette. Benjy said that the problem is that whenever he finishes a job for P's and D's, he knows that all that work is a dead end and will not generate any additional sales or increase his reputation. The P's and D's will take all the credit for themselves, and will not divulge who did the work for them - no matter how many shows they do or photo spreads they get. They basically consider people like Benjy as "their little secret."

Some of you are probably thinking so what? - they paid for a product, so they can do whatever they want with it. But as Benjy pointed out to me (after I said just that) he can't exactly advertise high-end services like his in the newspaper. Instead, he has to rely on the occasional plug like "as featured in Extreme Noise Magazine" or "winner of the 2009 Ghettoblaster award."

So now my cousin is just hoping things will pick up soon so he can be more selective with his customers. I know what he means. I feel the same way about customers who smell bad.



Advizor54 said...

It would be interesting to do a study of the various professions that visit your establishment and see how much the economy swings your business. Obviously it is a disposable income niche in the market, but as times get tough, which of your clients, by profession, hang on the longest.

I like your name for it though, I'm sure CNN would just mess it up.

BTW - my word verification is "woodish" which describes me every time I read your blog.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog, Wish you would write a book. I would love to come work with you, or somewhere like... Big props for the service you provide and for your interesting blog and most of all for not forgetting us readers, u r awesome! You are my #1.

My blog is: ( It is diffrent, everyones got their own thing)

Suzie snow

Sern Sake said...

Hey CJ, I know you don't really care for them Asian Massage joints and I understand and agree with you. However, I was all horned up and needed to shoot some ropes in a big way. The ONLY massage joint in my town is an AMP. So, I go in and get what I need to get, she does quite a job of making me blast, I was literally shaking. She got me off so freaking good. Anyway, I tip her pretty well. And as I am walking out, her pimp daddy comes up to her and slaps her down to the floor! He's yelling, she's screaming and then he rips the tip out of her hand and spits on her! Fucked up stuff - I'm watching from the doorway, he don't know I'm there, or he don't care. I left, ran to my car and called the 5-0. Didn't know what else to do.

Reflex said...

Sern - I would have kicked his fucking ass. You do not strike a woman around me. Thats seriously messed up.

Anonymous said...

These aren't women, they're just illegally imported toys. If you just report them they send them back postage due and send new ones.

Anonymous said...

The thing to do is get out an equalizer and give pimp daddy the beating of his life. Afterward you haul him out and throw him into the nearest dumpster. Believe me, this is the only way to communicate effectively with these low life scum buckets.

Tejas said...

No point in wrestling with pigs. You both get covered in shit and the pig likes it. He'll slap the wrong girl one day and wake up with his balls on the front desk. Happy employees are the lifeblood of any business.

Anonymous said...

We're supposed to be bothered that pimps and dealers don't give business referrals? The fact that you hold them to any esteem when they are willing to injure, kill, or rape for money says a lot... I'm not sure what it says but it says a lot.


Anonymous said...

Wait... your hand cramped up because you were thinking how many hand jobs you'd have to give your cousin to cover the payment?

Did I read that right?

Anonymous said...

a real story please.........

Anonymous said...

Hey just wanted to say I got my first goose... Your right, the one I was going to that never offered any add-ons probably wasn't the real deal. Problem: it was relatively broad day light, I have an identifiable licence plate... and I parked for a while. oh well.. nothing illegal really. I have to say, the breathing in my ear was kind of cheap. like, if you are going to act turned on, go to acting school or don't do it. plus is it normal for the massage to go into, um, the "dark side" of my moon? Thought that was a bit interesting... I guess I smelled good all over. Thanks for your blog and for giving me the confidence to reach my dreams.


cj said...

Interesting question. Most loyal? Retirees with their constant stream of income. Least constant? Probably salesmen of any kind who work off commissions.

Another reason to avoid AMPs!!!! The girls are lucky if they ever see any of the money you tip them.

No, I don't expect anyone to be bothered by it. It's just funny, that's all. Kinda like wondering if a serial killer tips well in a restaurant.

Hell no! My hand cramped at the thought of how many HJs total I would have to give at work to pay for something like that.


Glad you finally got your cherry broken. As for the "dark side" = some girls will do that if it helps to speed up the happy ending.


Anonymous said...

A real traditional pimp doesn't spend money on sex workers. He has a relationship personal and business with his women/hoes and it is a major violation for him to be a "trick" or "john" or client and spend or trick the money his hoes give him on another sex worker. No real pimp would ever want to be labeled a trick. His hoes would leave him if they found out he tricked. Hoes pay pimps not tricks and they give 100% of the money to him no splits and he has to take care of them like a family which can be more money than a split sometimes.

A guy who owns a service, spa, incall and splits the money with sex workers is a service/agency owner or incall/spa/brothel owner and is not a true pimp so he might do anything. Dealers out of all the hustlers are the biggest tricks/clients.