Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Freak of the Week - The Whiner

I know I've been slacking on my Freaks of the Week, but I got carried away with talking about my pathetic love life. I've been too distracted to even notice my latest winner, so here we go with the new Freak of the Week!

Cletus is a real local redneck. I'm talking the pickup truck, bib overalls, truckers hat, chewing tobacco - I mean everything. He's been showing up on a regular basis since December, so I guess he's one of the lucky guys around here to still have a job.

He bounced around between all the girls here, but asked for me for his last 2 Sessions. I should be happy to have a new Regular in this economy, but this guy makes me want to jump off a cliff. His problem is that he's totally pissed off about everything. From the minute he walks through the door to the minute we show him out, he just bitches and moans about:

Every little ache & pain
The government
The weather
His job
His last job and one before that
The ex wife
The ex mother law
His childhood
The cancellation of Knight Rider
and basically everything else that's happened to him since birth.

He walked in yesterday and I swear a vein in my forehead popped out. "Gawd it's nasty out there."

"Whadya mean? It's 50 degrees and sunny out."

"Fuckin' ice is melting and mud all over the roads. And three assholes almost hit me on the way over here. I swear... I remember..."

This is my third time with Cletus, so I cut him off. "You want a session? Audrey and I are here." I threw out Audrey's name in the hopes that maybe I can throw a little pain her way. Audrey shoots me a dirty look from across the room where she's standing. No go. He wants me.

He always books a 45 minute session, which is funny because we've all noticed that he's done in 20. I suggested he save some money and pay for just 30 minutes instead. I do this partly to save him money, partly to limit my time with him, but mostly to piss off Audrey. I get the daggers from her again.

"What the fuck? You tryin' to rip me off or something..."

I give him the stop sign with my hand and say "No I'm not... It's just that...never mind. Go in that room over there and get comfortable. I'll be there in a minute." Audrey laughs when the door closes behind him and then tells me that's what I deserve for suggesting he take a cheaper option. Bitch.

If I kept a bottle of rum in the office I'd do a shot right about now. But I don't, so I take a deep breath and go in the room. Just as I had suspected, he's sitting on the table naked from the waist down. It's his thing - he refuses to take off his T-shirt during Session because he's "shy." His dick may be hanging out, but he's "shy" about his shirt. Go figure.

"It's fuckin' cold in here. What - you don't pay your fuckin' bills around here? And why is it so dark... I'm paying to see you naked and you keep the lights off and..."

Ya see why I would have gladly pawned him off on Audrey? This shit goes on for the ENTIRE session. I swear, by the end of it I just wanna hang myself. Luckily I have a cold, so my hearing is off just enough that I can kinda tune him out.

He asks for an extra soft massage (which I give THROUGH his T-shirt), with me naked. But he wants me to start in bra and panties, and then lose them during the massage. And I almost forgot - he does the session lying on his back. I'm only allowed to touch his legs and chest. He totally freaks if I touch his back.

"I ran into Fred the other day." I have no idea who Fred is, nor do I care. "That fucker's been outta work for 3 months now. Good for you I says. I always hated that fuck. Did you know he used to call me 'Ugly Duckiling' in high school?"

This I do know. Why? Because he only mentions it every 5 minutes. So instead of answering, I take my bra off instead. Cletus is not an ugly man. He's in his mid 30's, tall and lanky in that country music star kinda way. He's not my type, but if he combed his hair and traded in the overalls for some jeans, my girlfriends would be all over him. Oh - and he'd also have to keep his mouth shut. LOL

"Bailout my ass. Give me a billion dollars instead. I could fuckin' use that kinda money. They''re all fuckin' crooks if ya ask me..." I've discovered that he doesn't really want or need me to respond to him. I start working on his pecs through the T-shirt. 15 minutes have past, but it feels like 2 weeks. The Catholic school girl in me begins to wonder if pergatory is like this.

At a certain point I decide that he's gotten his money's worth for the massage (and I can't take any more of his whining). The G-string comes off.

"... and who did he think he was talking to...Hey! Well it's about fuckin' time you got naked..." Now his Little Cletus rises to the occasion. "... Uh...Do you mind if I ... uh... you know?"

I give a big dramatic sigh. "Well OK - go ahead" I say as if I'm doing him a huge favor. This is his cue to climb off the table. I turn around and lean back against the table to steady myself while Cletus kneels in front of me. I spread my legs slightly so he can get a good grip on the left one. Then without oil or anything, he starts humping my leg.

"Unnnnhhh... Mmmmmm... Unnnnhh... That fucker still pisses me off when he... Unnnnhhh... asks for money...Mmmmmmm..."

"Don't talk Cletus" I command him. This is really the only moment when I can get him to shut up. After about a minute or so, he gives out a little groan and shoots his cum on my leg. He sits on the floor to catch his breath while I compliment him on the size of his load (guys love that). "Wow - that's like a weeks worth! It feels so warm on my skin." I let him marvel at it for a few seconds before I grab a towel and clean myself up.

After he's caught his breath, he stands up. "Last time I was here, I was so miserable I wanted to hang myself in this room."

"Glad you didn't. Now dress up and I'll see you outside." I make a quick dash out the door - clothes in hand. I'd rather be naked in the hallway than have to listen to more of him.

Eventually he comes back to the front desk - only slightly less miserable than when he walked in. "Don't you hate it when..."

We've all learned how to handle a customer who doesn't want to leave. "I've got an appointment in 2 minutes. It was nice seeing you!" And with that I whisk him out the front door. In all, I made $100 for the nude, plus another $60 for the leg release. Not bad for 20 minutes of massage, but not worth it for the 20 minutes of psycho-therapy.

Next time he makes an appointment I'm taking a xanax ahead of time so he can say whatever he wants - I just won't care. Either that or I'm getting earplugs.



RIV said...

love your writing.
My heart goes out to you, everytime i deal with someone like that, *I* want to shoot myself.

I love your FOTWs, keep them coming!

Sorry about the pun, it wasn't intentional.

Aelric said...


But hey, sounds like he really could be an ideal regular... just do like you've speculated - buy an effective pair of ear plugs, and then heck:

- he doesn't take all of your time (you get him out early),
- he selects decent options (good cash flow),
- and sounds like he's self entertaining if you don't have to respond at all, so you don't have to think up inane chit-chat (just go ummm every so often)...

win-win all the way around (assuming you have them ear plugs and don't have to listen to his drivel)


Anonymous said...

Oh Jesus C.J., I'm so sorry. That sounds horrendous.

Tom Moran said...

I aspire to be a Freak of the Week for you, baby. )

Double Trouble said...

Its pretty entertaining to read about these freaks, but holy geez what weirdos. That has to take its toll on your sanity I'm sure.

How many customers come in that are actually attractive to you? Not that Cletus or dirty truckers couldn't get you all giggity-giggity, but I feel its safe to assume the majority of customers fit a similar mold, and those aren't what bring you the most enjoyment.

You should write a post about the hottest guy you had come in for services by the prominent and illustrious CJ. Whadaya say?

Kenny S. said...

Sorta gives new meaning to the phrase "doggie style," no?

cloudy said...

so if they are humping your leg and then they shoot.......and your gstring is off isn't it a bit risky they might shoot their load in a risky place?

cj said...

He sounds good on paper, but remember that for 20 minutes HE WON'T shut up. 5 minutes most people can deal with. 10 minutes usually invites a punch in the face. So by 20, he has pretty much succeeded in making me feel as miserable as him. Try it some time with the biggest asshole you know, then you'll see what I'm talking about.

Feel free to share any wacky stories you may have right here! Let's see if you can be FOTW material.

That's a cool idea. I think I'll write something about that next. But I have to warn you - it's probably not as interesting as you think.

I hear ya and I'm usually pretty careful around the shooters. I've had it in my eye, my hair, and occasionally around my G-string. Luckily Cletus only aims at my knee.