Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Freak of the Week - The Chicken Fucker

I hate living out in the country. Wait - let me rephrase that... sometimes I hate living out in the country. I guess we're more of a suburb, but with all the mushroom farms and whatnot around here we may as well be in Alabama.

Our clientele is about half blue collar, half white collar. But every now and then you get the down-on-the-farm guys. Not that there's anything wrong with them... it's just that occasionally you get a guy who considers our little town as "The Big City."

Take Cletus for example. Nice guy who came in last Thursday. He was a newbie to The Business, but he obviously knew his way around a massage parlor. Funny guy too, kept telling jokes - I like that. It's nice when the newbies put me at ease, and Cletus was just one of those likeable kinda guys.

He took a 30 minute topless session which went just fine. Nothing out of the usual, except that he kept talking and making wise-cracks during the session. Even during his hand release, he made a joke about "choking the chicken." A country guy to the bone (pun intended).

Well as he was getting dressed and I was cleaning up inside the room, Cletus asked "Hey... do you know how to fuck a chicken?"

I had never heard that particular joke before, so I was game. "Uh no..." I was already smiling since I knew his zingers were pretty good. "Tell me - how do you fuck a chicken?"

So he told me.

For the next 10 incredibly uncomfortable yet fascinating minutes, Cletus explained to me in excruciating detail how you literally fuck a chicken.

Apparently you just don't grab it and stick your dick in (not that I had really given any thought before to the mechanics of chicken fucking). There's this whole thing you have to do with tying the legs in just the right way so you can fasten the chicken around your waist. That way it keeps it's legs apart so you can fuck it easier. And the frantic flapping motion of the wings means that the chicken does most of the work for you.

If you think what I just wrote is disturbing, try standing in front of a guy who's telling you this in a serious tone of voice. Imagine the Hannibal Lecter of chickens. He weirded me out to the point that I had to weird out you guys just to get some of the weirdness off of me. Brrrrrrrrr.

Now go back to whatever it was that you were doing and pretend like you never read this - The Silence of the Chickens.



Mike said...

I'm never eating at KFC again.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! Love the blog, CJ. Been following it for a while. Keep it up!!! Do you suppose Ernie Anastos knows this guy? ''Keep on fucking that chicken!''

HighOnPoker said...

I feel dirty just reading that.

DrChako said...

I believe this is a variant of the old "how to fuck a donkey" joke (first, you lead them to the edge of a cliff). It only works if you tell it with a straight face. Of course I wasn't there, but I'm guessing he got you pretty good.


Carolyn said...

wow ..

Anonymous said...

You got played. Don't be so gullible.

Anonymous said...

This man you speak of Clarice... what does he do?
He fucks chickens.
No thats incidental... what needs does he serve by fucking the chick..

Ya know... there just may be another sequel?

Anonymous said...

Yea..I think you got played..Btw, how often do first timers get the hand release? From what I heard they only got it after the second or third visit

Anonymous said...

What do you mean "she go played"? Are you saying you know a completely different way to fuck a chicken?? lol

Mike said...

I say the chicken got played.

Anonymous said...

I could of lived without this FOTW.

Anonymous said...

Never fucked a chicken. But I have gotten intimate with some chicken mcnuggets and homey mustard.

Anonymous said...

Freak of the year!

Anonymous said...

My stomach feels weird after reading this. I never felt bad for you before until now.

Have you thought about AC repair or some other trade?

That's just wrong. Poor chickens!

cj said...

Anon and Dr. Chako,
It never occurred to me that he was bullshitting. I mean, he told that whole story with a complete straight face.

Of course THAT could have been the joke on me. Just messing my mind then walking away. Holy shit - that was fucked up just thinking about it. Brrrrrrrr.

Other Anon,
I'd say most of the newbies get offered the happy ending. The trick is to not give out bad vibes at the beginning. BUT, if I don't offer clothing options at the beginning of the massage, then you're SOL.

In those cases when the guy asks for the happy ending after the massage is over, I tell him next time or not at all (if I don't trust him).

Next Anon,

Last Anons,
Funny you should mention that... I did get a weird sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about 30 seconds into his story when I realized there was NO punchline.


Continuous But Plural said...

In Soviet Russia chicken fucks you.

GC85™ said...

Oh God. I ate KFC less than half an hour ago. Please excuse me while i vomit.

(running footsteps)

(horrible vomiting sounds)

(more horrible vomiting sounds)

(even more horrible vomiting sounds)

(whine of an electric toothbrush)

(flushing toilet)

(retching as vomit is being cleaned up)

(more whining of electric toothbrush for good measure)

(running footsteps)

There all done.

As always CJ you've provided me with yet another amusing post to read.

Anonymous said...

I think he's a chicken-fucker. That's how a lot of criminals get caught: if it's really fucked up they usually have to "share".