Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Grandma Test or How To Spot A Massage Parlor

The other day one of you guys asked if I've ever heard of a "four hands" massage and whether that's legit or not.

Think about it - 2 girls rubbing you down and you're wondering if it's legit? Questions like this made me think it's a good time to refresh your memories on the finer points of finding a massage parlor.

But first in answer to your question, yes - we call that a "double" here at The Business. When 2 girls are working you at the same time, one usually massages the legs while the other does the upper body. This way we don't keep bumping into each other while working.

When it comes to the happy ending, usually 1 girl takes over while the other girl teases the guy. I know most guys have this fantasy about 4 hands working their cock at the same time. BUT - the reality is that most guys don't have enough cock to make it happen. And there are the problems of getting the timing perfect during the jerking motion. If the 2 of you are not synchronized just right, it's basically torture for the guy (picture 4 hands colliding all over your dick - not a pretty picture).

One girl handles the dick while the other girl teases the guy to speed things up. If teasing's my job, I'll usually rub his chest or thighs, or maybe rake my fingernails over them. If the customer asks, I'll stand by his head and rub The Girls in has face, or let him fondle them. Either way, the 2-girl happy ending is usually pretty quick.

Now back to the problem of identifying a massage parlor. Let's use the 4-hand massage as an example, shall we?

The Grandma Test
Therapeutic massage is essentially about pain relief and/or relaxation. Most legit massage providers go out of their way to stress this. So When a place advertises in such a way to imply a sensual or erotic experience, it's probably a massage parlor. Advertising 2 girls rubbing you down is obviously meant to titilate (pun fully intended). Legit places will actually go out of their way to let you know they are NOT a massage parlor too. So in a way, they're making the search easier for you!

Here's another way to think about it - would the advertisement appeal to your grandmother? We'll call it the "Grandma Test." Words and phrases that may interest your grandma include:


Essential Oils and Moisturizers
Hot Stones/Mud/Seaweed/etc.
References to male staff

On the flip side, here are some words and phrases that might not interest grandma, but may be of interest to her horny grandson...


24 Hour
Secure Parking
"European" or "Asian" staff
Health Spa
References to ALL female staff

"Accupressure" is the biggest crock-o-shit of all. It basically means pressure accurately applied to your dick. Any place that advertises an all European or Asian staff is definitely a massage parlor where the "European" and "Asian" merely refers to which mafia runs it.

Now "spa" can go either way. But when coupled with the word "health," it usually means parlor. And finally - any place that makes it a point of referring to their all female staff is probably a massage parlor. Look for things like "... let our girls take care of you..." etc. Like I said before, if it sounds sexy - it's probably not legit.

Here's another example... Recently a reader sent me a link to a massage provider and asked if it was legit. he was confused because it looked like they were trying too hard to claim they were. To me it was obvious in 2 seconds - they had men on their staff.

So that's your lesson for today. Any questions about specific locations, feel free to send me the link. Happy hunting!



Anonymous said...

How about this one?

Anonymous said...

so men on the staff means its legit? so there's no almost no fucking massage parlors in Milwaukee?

Just Visiting said...

A mostly-amateur opinion on the craigslist posting: picture of a pretty girl, ad says sensual massage, attractive woman, soft touch available, optional draping, private location, cash only... email is "tantalizing touch."

This seems like a pretty good bet. No grandma of mine would be calling her :)

I also think a refusal to accept blocked calls suggests a worry about cops calling.

My two cents :)

Anonymous said...

Interesting. You got me thinking about why massage parlors are female-only. As with any other type of sex work (sorry for using use that blanket term, not meant to be negative), surely there's gay clientele and a desire for male staff as well? Just wondering.

Great blog, by the way.

- e xox said...

That's interesting, not at all what we've learnt.

Females and males often prefer to be seen by a female massage therapist.

Health spa over here is a bit of a moot term but it's not really used for rub n tugs.

Accupressure is quite a well known modality here similar to accupuncture or shiatsu.

We also try not to use the words stress relief as for men jerking off can be a form of stress relief

Interesting to get your perspective though

Continuous But Plural said...

That first anon post with the craigslist link is a great example of what to look for when seeking an erotic massage! I mean, there a pic of that girl fully clothed, but leaning over for no reason. She's just pornin' around.

MikefromPA said...

Full Service...so, OK, not all parlors/girls offer Full Service, but if you luck out and find one that does, what do you think a fair rate for all services should be? I have been to an Asian place, I paid $70 to the old lady when I was in the room, then the younger girl comes in and takes me to the table shower and scrubs me down...back in the room I lay $100 on the table and don't say anything and she massages me for a good 20-30 minutes and then blow job to slip on the condom and then fucks my brains out...now I was very nervous about being busted and with the help of what you have written will never go Asian again, but for $170 got a pretty nice lay...

So, if I get lucky and find a full service American Girl, what do you think fair compensation would be?

Anonymous said...

I go to a girl that charges $300 for straight sex. Anything else cost extra.

Anonymous said...

There's a really interesting place down the street. They have several sandwich board signs that say "Acupuncture--Insurance Accepted" So far it sounds like a legit Eastern medicine thing. But in the window is this neon sign that says "Relaxing Massage" with a palm tree like a mini version of something you'd expect to see in Vegas. Not Grandma friendly. Would an Asian Massage Parlor actually go so far as to use a legit Acupuncturist as a front?

cheshire said...

So where do gay guys go for their happy ending? ie the male staff.

Anonymous said...

cheshire said...
So where do gay guys go for their happy ending? ie the male staff.

Sauna or steamroom at their local gym.

Anonymous said...

I'm mostly with "e xox" in that the post made me go, "huh?" Here's why:

1. Male staff: most Thai AMPs offer "m4m" massage (men for men). The guys are gay and attract a gay clientele (lots of married Chinese guys in the closet, according to a Thai masseuse I befriended). But there is NO action there, as Thai places are legit (the occasional HJ CAN happen, but is a rarity) and NOT run by the mob, stop it already.
I think than when a gay guy goes to a massage joint... it's for a massage.

2. The terms "therapy", "stress-refief" and "aromatherapy" are OVERWHELMINGLY used by HJ factories and FS houses in California. I went to a nasty Korean whorehouse (probably mob-run, that one) a couple of times that was named "Pain Therapy". The pain of too much pressure in my balls that they relieved would not be something that grandma would relate to, I'm afraid.

3. Four hands: Thai places offer that and it is NOT sexual with them. These MPs are so money-hungry (they're cheap!) that they just do anything for money, including advertise in sex rags or on escort sites (which infuriates mongers), but again, no extras.
I did get my worst HJ in a Thai place ONCE, as few mongers report the possibility too, but it was like pulling teeth from a provider who knew me very well and admitted that she had never given one.
So please don't go there for sex, they do that at home only, not in the US, and CJ quit lumping all AMPs together.
When I see the Thai, it's for therapy. For real.

4.Swedish: um, EVERYBODY does swedish (ask a Korean or Thai, no problem) as it's probably the most popular. I loves me swedish followed by a good HJ... So you made me laugh again.