Thursday, April 1, 2010

Confessions of an Erotic Fag Hag

I got a lot of interesting responses from you guys about identifying massage parlors. That Craigslist ad is a perfect example of what I was talking about. It was one of those that does a good job of saying it without saying it. Know what I mean?

What really clues you in are the photos. Posting a Glamour Shot is one thing, but bending over and showing cleavage? That's not for Grandma's benefit.

Now the big red flag for me was the phrase "draping optional." I've heard of this technique used by independent erotic masseuses. Basically it's her code word for happy ending. If you ask for "draping" (a towel wrapped around your waist) you're looking for a therapeutic massage only. If you decline the drape (letting it all hang out) then she opens the door to a world of sensual delights...

A legit masseuse would never offer you a draping option. Believe me - she doesn't need to see your junk to do her job. In fact, the various techniques to keep you covered are part of our training. There are even some massage styles that have the body being completely covered except for the specific region that's being massaged.

But what I really wanted to talk about today is our gay customers. We're in a small town out in the suburbs so there's no visible "gay community" to speak of. You really have to be in Philly before you'll see anyone who's out of the closet.

In other words, everyone is pretty closeted out here. There are parlors that cater to gay men, but you have to be in the city to find one. So out here in the boondocks, what are you gonna do if you're a gay man and you really really really want a professional handjob? You go to the nearest source of professional handjob givers - the local massage parlor!

Think of it this way... If you're a guy and you really needed a sports massage, you'd probably turn to a masseur because he's an expert at what he does and men tend to be better at sports massage because of the techniques it requires.

Same thing applies to handjobs. Each of us girls here at The Business have our own little group of gay Regulars. None of mine have ever made "Freak of the Week" because they never ask for anything weird. Remember my FOTW - Tony and Tina? Even that guy was straight - he just enjoyed wearing women's clothing.

Some of my gay customers take a fully clothed option with happy ending because they have no interest in the view. But believe it or not, most take either a topless or G-string. Most common answer? They love the look of the female body. They never touch me, but they do enjoy looking. Go figure.

I like the gay customers because they're always respectful, tip well, and usually great conversation. I would even go so far as to say the most business like. They never have issues about what we will or won't do. They never try to haggle over price. And the nicest thing of all is they never grab your ass or pester you for full service.

Customer wants a 30 minute topless session, doesn't pinch me, and compliments my hair? - gay guy.

Customer wants a 30 minute nude session while wearing an adult diaper and calling me "mommy," THEN tries to shortchange me? - straight guy.

You can call me a Fag Hag any day.



Anonymous said...

Hey, new reader here. Very interesting peak into the biz. Question about one of your previous posts - you said that the red flag for LE was declining the happy ending. Does someone declining that always make you suspicious? The reason I ask is that I had my first erotic massage the other day, nice time, I guess you would call it mutual massage, but I did turn down the big finish. Would that have made you suspicious? Just curious.

Little Red said...

Nice post CJ. I was wondering if gay guys even got sensual massages.

Anonymous said...

I have come to the conclusion this blog is a creative writing project of an old white man...

Anonymous said...

April fools?

Anonymous said...

C.J. has a nice rack for an old white dude.

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! All I have to say to this is ,"it figures"

GC85™ said...

WOOHOO!! Just finished reading every blog post now completly caught up.
Thank you CJ I'm gonna be hanging around to here more of you're brilliant stories.

cj said...


I guess it depends on the circumstances, but yes - it would make me nervous if a guy declined the happy ending.

Other Anon,

I like my gay customers because they're nice to me, therefore I must be an old white guy?

Dude, are you serious? I mean, really?

Next Anon,

I actually thought about pulling an April fools prank on you guys, but then thought better of it. Oh well, there's always next year...

Last Anon,



Anonymous said...

Wow. I wonder how many times I've passed for a fag or a cop, then.
Not that I've exactly "turned down" extras, but many times, if confused about the provider being legit or not, I'd just enjoy the massage and ignore flirtation or innuendos.

If the door stays open and the masseuse asks what "my pleasure" will be, I'll assume that she doesn't know what she's saying.
I had a Thai girl open the curtain to chat with her co-worker in the next stall once, letting me see the customer (a no-no), then ask me "where would you like me to massage you the most". I told her about my lower back pain... No way I was coaxing a HJ out of her in that setup.

What providers often fail to see is that some customers are NOT turned on by risk of an arrest. Some are, but many lose "interest" when hearing loud male voices in the reception area, from example. Call them "limp dicks" if you must...

And some of us don't get off on "corrupting" an honest and legit provider either. Again, some perverse mongers do, but personally I prefer aggressive masseuses who leave no doubt. I got my first HJ from a Chinese girl who asked if she could pull my shorts off with a big grin. I was shocked and delighted by what followed, but wouldn't have assumed anything. I surprised her next by asking if I could touch her, to which she gladly agreed, saying that gropers are told to fuck off, but nice and polite customers were welcome to lay hands on her.

I know I'm not typical, and yes, I've scored MANY times in spite of being respectful. But I've also passed in a few ambiguous situations. There's always another joint next door, ya know?