Thursday, June 24, 2010

Freak of the Week - Erection Man

OK... all this talk about old dudes is getting me hot. Just kidding! But it did remind me of a guy who qualified for FOTW status. This was like 2 or 3 months ago, but I'm still laughing about it today. Mind you - I wasn't laughing when it happened.

I have this Regular that we'll call "Rod" (get it?). Rod's not a frequent regular, but he drops in every couple of months. He's about 50 and seems to be more or less a normal kind of guy. His sessions are typical (30 minute G-string), and he's never asked for any extras (breast release, doubles, etc). Just a regular kinda customer that you don't mind seeing.

Well he came in a couple months ago and I'll never forget - he was grinning from ear to ear. "Hey CJ, I got a surprise for you today."

"Is it pizza? I haven't had lunch yet."

"No... You'll see!"

Well I get Rod in the room, and he practically tears his clothes off. Before I can even ask him if he wants the usual, he proudly announces "Ta da! Well, what do you think?"

Standing before me is a naked 50 year old man. So between the beer belly, the balding head, and the excess body hair, I'm not sure where to start. However, being a master of polite conversation (a necessary skill in this business) I come up with "Wow - you lost weight!"

This caught him a little off guard. Probably because it wasn't what he expected, but a compliment just the same. "Uhhh... Yeah. But no," he says while pointing between his legs, "I mean this!"

Look, I see hard-ons all day long. It's part of my job description, so seeing a guy with one doesn't even register with me anymore. "Hey that's great... so you're ready to go then? On the table Rod, let's go."

Since I'm just not getting it, he starts to point frantically at his dick. "CJ..." he lowers his voice to a whisper "... it's Viagra."

"OH. Okaaaaaaay." This really did surprise me since I don't remember Rod having any problems before. But now I don't know what to do with it. I mean I KNOW what to do with it, but I usually save that for the end. I really don't have any use for it right now. But I guess it's the thought that counts, right?

Now if there's one thing I've learned about customer service over the years, it's that guys love to have their stuff admired. So I have a whole laundry list of generic compliments that I use to brighten up a guys day:

It's so big!
I'll need both hands for this one
Wow you're hard
You have a great looking dick
It feels so good in my hands
I'm gonna have to charge you extra

... and for guys with small dicks...
It's perfect for anal

So for all you guys out there who've heard these lines before - I'm sorry.

Anyway, I told Rod that the Viagra is obviously working (what else could I say?) and to get his raging manliness on the table. And that's when the problems started. Turns out his erection made it uncomfortable for him to lie on his stomach.

Oh he thought it was kinda funny at first, but after a few minutes he started squirming. He tried raising his hips a little, but then that became uncomfortable too. So eventually I wrapped up the back and legs quickly just to get him flipped over.

And there it was in all it's glory - Rods rod standing at full attention. Since I had time to kill before the happy ending, I paid extra attention to his chest and legs. I think even Rod started to see that his pharmaceutical enhancement was overkill. Well what did he expect? Viagra's made for fucking - not a 2 minute hand release.

Finally we came to the moment of truth - the moment that Rod had been preparing for all day. The moment someone would finally get to his artificially induced hard-on and give it a test spin. Well I have to admit that it was pretty damn hard. Could I tell it wasn't natural? Not really. The only odd thing was that it had lost some sensitivity - but that was probably because it had been rubbing against the massage table earlier.

I started to work him, and Rod admitted that it felt a little funny and asked for me to go easy. I used a lot of lube and kept the pressure low. He lasted a full 5 minutes before he finally came. If there's 1 thing Viagra doesn't do, it's make your load bigger because he only dribbled a little bit.

Looking back I suspect that Rod had already taken his woody for a test spin before he came to session. That would explain why he was hard the entire time, was overly sensitive, and shot a small load. Hopefully he'll leave the pills at home next time - you won't need them with CJ on the job.



Anonymous said...

50? Isn't that robbing the cradle for you?

And needing Viagra at 50? WTF?

Anonymous said...

So CJ all your clients seem to be old men or fat men, sometimes both. I'm just wondering, do you ever get any good looking clients that you are attracted to?

Anonymous said...

Another day of CJ giving HJ's to old men with viagra induced erections.

Newsflash: you are both freaks!!!

BlueLantern said...

I'm a little confused. By his obvious enthusiasm, he wanted to show off his "new" toy. Couldn't you have changed your script to take care of his rod first, then follow up with the massage? I figure he'd just be that bit more relaxed and satisfied because of your willingness to accommodate him, but then hindsight and all that.

Little Red said...

Hey CJ, have you ever gotten a guy who remained really hard after the happy ending (like it wouldn't go down)? Or do they get dressed too fast for you to know?

Anonymous said...

uhh 50 is definitely not too young for Viagra

Anonymous said...

Awww, what a sweet story. You should tell this one to your bf when he finds out you've been an "erotic masseuse" behind his back for the duration of your relationship. I'm sure it'll take the sting out and he'll see you for the sweet girl you REALLY are.

Kelly said...

What a beautiful, heartwarming story. That Rod is quite the character. He should do his comedy routine at birthday parties or something. What a hit that fat old guy with a boner would be.

Damn, I can't even imagine going to a parlor and doing that. Hah ha. Funny post.

Anonymous said...

CJ, are you dating Brick Henry now?

I hope your still alive and not dismembered in a meat locker on a remote farm in SE PA.

Anonymous said...

does Viagra make your penis larger?

cj said...

NO - I do not have an old man fetish. But I can't help it if a lot of my more interesting customers are older men.

I'd say the average age is about 40. Very few in the their 20's. The bulk in their 30's and 40's.

2nd Anon,
We get good looking guys in here from time to time. But that's different from guys I'm attracted to. On that rare occasion I find myself attracted to a customer, I usually just clam up and act totally not like myself. I get nervous like a schoolgirl!

3rd Anon,
I do this for a living and that makes me a freak? Dude - you are reading the wrong blog.

We call that a "double." I guess he should have asked for the hand release up front just so he could enjoy it. Next time I'll remind him! LOL

Little Red,
Since I usually clean them up immediately after the hand release, I notice if they're still hard. It's rare, and that's why I'm not sure how many viagra enhanced customers I get!

Next to last Anon,
I'm still here - but I've been ignoring the comments for waaaay to long. But I promise to be better from now on.

Last Anon,
No - just gives you a woody.


Anonymous said...

Notice she couldn't defend lying to her bf about being a whore.

Anonymous said...

@Little Red: late post but I figure I might as well address-a small percentage of guys can in fact stay hard after they orgasm. I am one of them-and no I don't use viagara (I'm in my late 20's). Often after sex if a girl doesn't want to continue going at it anymore it will usually take a few minutes for it to go down afterward. I feel lucky that I'm actually one of a select group of guys that can stay hard even after many orgasms-definitely had a girl or 2 who admitted defeat and that they had enough lol :)-all you fit in shape women who think you can handle me give me a holler-(male-8 inches-disease and drug free-6ft2-200 lbs-5 percent body fat) LMAO! :P